Monday, December 1, 2014

The December Effect

Here we are. We've officially entered December. There's no getting out of it. 

I feel like we are trying. Brian hung the wreath he bought this year on the door. He buys one every year and it usually sits in the garage. Mason has his little tree, the advent calendar and I bought the elf today. It feels equal to the first man stepping on the moon. A giant step for us, a baby step in the grand scheme of things. 

I really do miss Christmas. We haven't had a real one since 2009 and even then I was so fixated on wanting children that I wasn't taking it in. I want a Merry Christmas almost as much as I want Addison even though neither are possible. 

Today was Addison's due date back in 2010. If she had been born on the 1st, just maybe...

It's hard not to go there. 

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This morning started off early. Mason woke us up. We could hear him yelling for "mommy" always mommy. I secretly love it, even early in the morning. I'm his mommy, he wants me, it means something even still. I walked into his room to see that he had used his potty chair for both #1 and #2 he was so proud of himself. Beaming up at me asking me to "check it out". It does make me proud, HE makes me proud. 

I told him daddy and I were still sleeping. He climbed into bed with us and kissed Brian. He went into the sweetest little version of himself saying things like "love you daddy, love you mommy" "you're my family" placing his hands on our cheeks and passing out more kisses. He's come so far. I never thought he would pass out affection so freely. He really has the sweetest moments. I soaked in the moment. Didn't want to rush it. I wished Addi was there, but that didn't stop me from relishing in what we do have.

There was no more sleeping to be had so we went into the playroom where Mason found the advent calendar. He was so excited and loved that there was a present in the door. A little matchbo.x truck. He wanted to open all of the doors. This whole one a day thing will be a challenge. 

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I had a counseling appointment this morning. I don't know if I have talked about that here before. I started this summer. I don't know that it is really helping, but it isn't hurting. I cried through most of it. It was cathartic or whatever. 

I talked about how surprised I was to be where I am. I don't know what 4 years of grieving is supposed to look like, but this isn't what I thought it would be. To still feel so broken and so sad. I'm glad no one told me in the beginning. I think. 

I'm also surprised that I miss my almost FOUR year old so much more than the baby I thought I would always want. Not that I wouldn't want to start back at square one, but my ache is for four, not for a newborn. 

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The rest of the day was kind of a loss. I spent the day spending money. Grief spending. It's going to be a Merry Christmas for Mason, don't you worry. 

No one gave me any weird looks or asked any questions, but I always feel like people can see a blinking light over me when I've been crying. I remember feeling like that in December 2010. 

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Construction is really underway in our house. Brian is being extra careful to clean up and still make it livable. It's very VERY appreciated. 

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I've had our Christmas cards since 11/12 and I've made very little progress. I was hoping to have them mailed by today so it would take the stress off, but with my grandma's stroke that did not happen. I thought I would work on them now, but blogging was calling to me. I feel like it's important to blog around these dates. Each year always feels so heavy, it's "nice" to look back and see what was really happening. I never remember what happens in December. I have to write it down.

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December. It surprises me every year. Even with all the anticipation. It's a little confusing to my brain that it's December and then there is not much time to prepare until the 5th is here. I think that's still better than to be closer to Christmas. I don't know. It's all hard.

December makes me feel like no other month. It sucks all of my energy, it takes over my thoughts and even my breath. It changes me in ways I don't like and yet...it's hers.

It will always be hers, all of it. It's the month I became a mom, it's the month I got to hold my baby girl and breathe her in. It's the month that held all of our dreams. Of course it is the month that took them all away, it's the month that took her and so many of my friend's children away. So many emotions. 

The December effect gets me every year. 

Addison, Addison, Addison. I miss you, I love you forever and ever and ever.