Sunday, November 30, 2014

Early morning ramblings

October started my grief spiral. This is earlier from the other years from what I remember. It started with entertaining the notion of another baby. That notion was quickly shot down as I am no where close to ready. There was lots of crying and heavy grief days. The kind that include couch time after work and my husband bringing home take-out. Probably a good week of that before I felt like I could do more than just go to work and care for Mason. The kind of days that remind me too much of what the early days felt like and how when grief comes calling, there isn't much to do other than answer, deal, wait for the heavy to pass and just know that it won't last forever. I think that's something I've really learned about myself and grief. When it happens I need to embrace it, feel it. It does eventually turn into something I can function with even if I know that it's never truly over. It always comes back, just not as often in the ugly form. I would say the really ugly stuff happens about 4 times a year. There are plenty of sad days in between, but the big hard to deal with days are about that often almost 4 years out.

November seemed lighter until my grandma on my mom's side had a stroke. It quickly became something bigger than I initially thought. They think it happened on 11/13, but she didn't go to the hospital until 11/16. From that day on I have been spending most  all of my free time with her. On one hand it's been a distraction, something to really focus on and feel a purpose for. On the other it has really taken away my ability to pre-grieve Addi's birthday and has given me no time to prepare. My tears have all been for grandma or at least I think they have been. 

She had some really bad days where she didn't know who I was, but I would say that the last 4 visits she knows me right away. We were able to bring her home for Thanksgiving and I was thankful for not having another empty seat. When I took her back to the rehabilitation center that night she cried. It's so heartbreaking. Last night I got there just after my grandpa had left and she was sitting in her wheelchair up by the front desk. This is where they keep the patients when they don't want to sleep and they need to keep an extra eye on them. She was so agitated and upset. She had been crying and started again the moment she saw me. She was telling me a story about how the nurses were being so mean. I called my grandpa and he confirmed nothing bad had happened, he just hadn't eaten dinner and at 9pm he decided to go home. I know I can't be there always, but seeing her like that makes me want to stay overnight. 

I've been going to visit 2-3 times a day, usually before work, lunch and then after Mason goes to bed and staying until 10 or so. I know that's a lot, but it feels necessary and I know I will never regret it. Not to mention she would have done it for me. If ever there was a grandma you wish to have, she is that grandma. I couldn't even count how many times I've spent the night over there, how she always had our favorite foods and treats, hours spent rubbing my back and sitting with me, watching endless talent shows (both at school and the ones on a stool in her living room), she  was our after school care, she cut vacations short so she could get back home to see her grandkids etc. Best.grandma.ever. I'm not even close to getting her paid back for everything she is/was to me. 

She is supposed to come home on 12/5 because of course. I'm glad for it, but also worried. She will need 24 hour care and that probably won't ever change. It's just a lot to digest. 

We were hoping to get away for Addison's 4th birthday, but I just didn't want to be too far away, just in case. Addison died December 5, 2010, my grandpa on my dad"s side died December 1, 2012 after his stroke and it was just too much of a worry to be gone this time. 

Planning for Addison's birthday has felt extra rushed this year. I only really started taking action yesterday. I ordered an ice cream cake from D.Q for the family to have the night of her birthday, a balloon bouquet from the party store and a flower cake from the florist for her headstone. All Fr.ozen themed as I believe we would have joined the masses and been just another family to jump on the Fr.ozen theme. Oh, how I wish. As much as I never wanted to have a baby born in December, I find myself so missing the challenge of juggling birthday parties and expenses with Christmas. 

Brian and I are both off this week. I am mostly hoping to have some family time and celebrate our girl. I need this week to be for her. So little time gets to be only for her. 


  1. Abiding with you, and remembering Addi this week and always.

  2. This months sucks. I hate it. I just feel so crappy today with that feeling like I could vomit any minute... you know the anticipatory, grief-ridden, sick one? It is right there.

    You're incredible with your grandmother. I am amazed at all you devote to your grandma, but when you write about the person she is and who she was for you, I am not surprised. You are incredibly loyal and she is as well. I just imagine she'd have been the best great grandmother for Addi, ever. I never had grandparents like that, but Elliot's grandparents (now in my life for 9 years) have been that way to me. We are nervous that his grandfather will be gone very soon... he is in his 90s and was at Thanksgiving, but is in severe pain... it breaks my heart.

    Gah. Rambling here, but you know... I'm a mess.

  3. I'm sorry that other things have made Addi's time feel rushed. Hoping for gentle days xox Remembering and loving on Addison this week and always xo