It's the 5th again, my dread for this day of the month feels differently than it used to. I don't feel the same way I did before, but I still feel VERY aware about each 5th day of the month.
This one feels bigger though, probably because it is. This 5th marks 3.5 years since the day I first saw Addison's sweet face and held her perfect little self in my arms. It's strange to be this far out and still so close to it all.
After 3.5 years I still find ways to say her name almost daily and to talk about her as often as I can. I still let myself think about who she would be, what she would be doing and how different our lives could be.
I still follow blogs and read regularly. I don't go searching for them like I used to and I don't often have time to comment, but I still need them. It's easier to keep up because very few continue to write after their rainbow baby comes (me included). I have stopped following a couple blogs. Some that seem "too" okay with this reality. There are not many, but it bothers me to read things like "I'm still sad, but I wouldn't have (insert rainbow baby name here) if my first baby had lived". That is just so unacceptable to me. It's dismissive of your other child's life and it leads society to believe that awful statement of "everything happens for a reason" that much more. It's true that I might not have Mason if Addison had lived, but I wouldn't have known to miss him and really I would probably be pregnant or thinking about a second if she had lived and now that baby won't be apart of our lives either. Everything is just different and justifying it for yourself and others is just not something I care to read about.
The fact of the matter is that I CAN imagine my life without Mason and while I don't want to think of that, it's just part of how your mind works after your baby dies. I don't want to imagine my life without Addi either, but here I am living it.
This last month I did something big. I parted with a few of the very special, very researched, very loved items that were bought especially for Addison. I could never get rid of her clothes, but her car seats, stroller and swing are now gone. The car seats, stroller and swing were used for Mason, but the car seats will expire before we ever have another baby IF we ever have another baby and the stroller matched them so it made sense to sell them together. The swing took up a lot of room and wasn't working 100% of the time so it didn't make sense to keep it. The swing was easier to sell than the car seats/stroller mix. It was a pattern I fell in love with and and was so excited about. The stroller was actually delivered to my parent's house on 12/10/10. I know this because it was backordered and I sent many emails trying to get it before Addi was born. I was sitting in my parent's living room when I saw the FedE truck pull up. I remember it well because it was just after Addison's funeral and we had a house full of people who had come over after the service. I knew it was her stroller the second I saw the truck. It was a moment I will never forget and still makes my stomach turn.
I needed to sell the items to strangers so I would never see them again. Both the people I sold to were giant bellied pregnant ladies. I didn't ask the gender of their babies and they didn't offer up that information. Thankfully.
I'm glad it's over, it sucked to do, but it only made sense. The last thing I want to sell is her crib bedding set. I never really loved it and would not use it for another baby. I'm still not looking forward to selling it, but it just doesn't make sense to keep it...even to me. I put on the ad "Brand new, never been used crib bedding. We were expecting a girl and brought home a boy". That sucked to type. It's true, but it does leave out some key parts.
It feels a little like progress to make some of these steps and yet it's nothing like that. It's just rolling with the tides and making decisions based on where we are and what's going on.
Three and a half, I wonder if there will ever be a time that the years that separate us don't feel so far and so close all at the same time.
I still miss, I still love and I still ache for her. That will never change.