Sunday, June 29, 2014

Turning 30

Me and Mason at the beach not sure the age difference, I might be 3 here. 

turned 30 this month and I can honestly say it didn't bother me one bit. If anything it felt right to finally be in my 30's. Grief wise, it feels a little lighter to be out of my twenties (the decade in which we lost Addison). Like maybe 30's won't bring the same kind of pain that my twenties did. Please oh please! Not to mention I feel like grief has aged me so much that 30's feels slightly more legit. Hello gray hairs, I see you. 

For Brian's 30th we went to Las Vegas. I was pregnant with Addison and life seemed to be pretty perfect. We had everything to look forward to. Fast forward four years (3.5 from grief) and things look differently. Although, I will admit there are still many things to look forward to. It's just a much different life I had pictured four years ago. 

We talked about going to Vegas again, but I wanted to bring Mason and I don't care what people tell you, the strip isn't exactly family friendly. What I really wanted to do was something the whole family could be apart of. Growing up we did a lot of camping and beach trips as a family with my grandparents. Those are some of my best and happiest memories. I wanted that for Mason, for my family and for me. 

My grandparents had a motorhome and we would tent camp with them. We looked into renting an RV, but for the price, it made sense to rent a house instead. Mason is a great sleeper, but only in ideal conditions. I wouldn't trust him in a tent just yet. Brian rented a great beach house in Lincoln City, Oregon and we started planning our trip. 

The house was even nicer than the pictures showed and the little neighborhood was just as cute as can be and screamed beach. Shells lined the driveway, cruiser bikes in the garage, adirondack chairs on the porch and the ocean just minutes away with sand for days. 

I was smiling so big that first day that my family kept asking me why. I was just SO happy. I can't even describe how much I needed this trip. 

Our group included my mom, dad, Brian, Mason, my brother, my sister and each of their significant others (Lyndsey and Kyle). 

I was worried we might get bored of 5 days at the ocean, but now I wish we could have stayed 10! 

Spending time at the beach was definitely my favorite. Flying kites, running in the water and building sandcastles. Watching Mason grin from ear to ear every moment of every day. He LOVED having all of his people in one place. 
Top left my grandma and I, top right my mom and M. Bottom left my grandparents and I, bottom left M with Brian and my dad and the SAME rainbow kite :)

We found some little shops and one was a Christmas store. I actually wanted to go inside. I really loved looking in there and it made me miss Christmas. I might need to start celebrating Christmas in June. I bought an advent calendar. It's something I hope to have forever, something Mason will hopefully have fond memories of and something to remember our trip by. I'm seriously thinking of buying all my Christmas stuff and making all my plans now so that when Christmas comes it is already done. It may be the only way we ever really do anything in December. Not kidding. 

The day of my birthday was so relaxed and wonderful. More beach time and of course an ice cream cake! It was my plan to write all names in the sand for all of the babies that I love, but the sun set so quickly I only had enough time for Addison and a few special birthdays coming up. 

Each birthday has been so hard since Addison died and while I still missed her as much as always, this was the most wonderful birthday. I guess it surprised me a little that is was so wonderful. I really didn't think I would have that again. It was so nostalgic, I couldn't help but post some of my favorite beach pictures from my childhood next to Mason.

Going back home to reality was hard, but I am so thankful to go home with such fun memories. We even got to recreate the picture from when I was 3 with my parents, grandparents and uncle. Our new picture unfortunately does not include my sister as she had another stop to make on the way home, but we did include a pink parasol in front of my mom to represent Addison. 

Cheers to the dirty thirty!

Thursday, June 5, 2014


It's the 5th again, my dread for this day of the month feels differently than it used to. I don't feel the same way I did before, but I still feel VERY aware about each 5th day of the month. 

This one feels bigger though, probably because it is. This 5th marks 3.5 years since the day I first saw Addison's sweet face and held her perfect little self in my arms. It's strange to be this far out and still so close to it all. 

After 3.5 years I still find ways to say her name almost daily and to talk about her as often as I can. I still let myself think about who she would be, what she would be doing and how different our lives could be. 

I still follow blogs and read regularly. I don't go searching for them like I used to and I don't often have time to comment, but I still need them. It's easier to keep up because very few continue to write after their rainbow baby comes (me included). I have stopped following a couple blogs. Some that seem "too" okay with this reality. There are not many, but it bothers me to read things like "I'm still sad, but I wouldn't have (insert rainbow baby name here) if my first baby had lived". That is just so unacceptable to me. It's dismissive of your other child's life and it leads society to believe that awful statement of "everything happens for a reason" that much more. It's true that I might not have Mason if Addison had lived, but I wouldn't have known to miss him and really I would probably be pregnant or thinking about a second if she had lived and now that baby won't be apart of our lives either. Everything is just different and justifying it for yourself and others is just not something I care to read about. 

The fact of the matter is that I CAN imagine my life without Mason and while I don't want to think of that, it's just part of how your mind works after your baby dies. I don't want to imagine my life without Addi either, but here I am living it. 

This last month I did something big. I parted with a few of the very special, very researched, very loved items that were bought especially for Addison. I could never get rid of her clothes, but her car seats, stroller and swing are now gone. The car seats, stroller and swing were used for Mason, but the car seats will expire before we ever have another baby IF we ever have another baby and the stroller matched them so it made sense to sell them together. The swing took up a lot of room and wasn't working 100% of the time so it didn't make sense to keep it. The swing was easier to sell than the car seats/stroller mix. It was a pattern I fell in love with and and was so excited about. The stroller was actually delivered to my parent's house on 12/10/10. I know this because it was backordered and I sent many emails trying to get it before Addi was born. I was sitting in my parent's living room when I saw the FedE truck pull up. I remember it well because it was just after Addison's funeral and we had a house full of people who had come over after the service. I knew it was her stroller the second I saw the truck. It was a moment I will never forget and still makes my stomach turn. 

I needed to sell the items to strangers so I would never see them again. Both the people I sold to were giant bellied pregnant ladies. I didn't ask the gender of their babies and they didn't offer up that information. Thankfully. 

I'm glad it's over, it sucked to do, but it only made sense. The last thing I want to sell is her crib bedding set. I never really loved it and would not use it for another baby. I'm still not looking forward to selling it, but it just doesn't make sense to keep it...even to me. I put on the ad "Brand new, never been used crib bedding. We were expecting a girl and brought home a boy". That sucked to type. It's true, but it does leave out some key parts. 

It feels a little like progress to make some of these steps and yet it's nothing like that. It's just rolling with the tides and making decisions based on where we are and what's going on. 

Three and a half, I wonder if there will ever be a time that the years that separate us don't feel so far and so close all at the same time. 

I still miss, I still love and I still ache for her. That will never change.