Monday, May 12, 2014

Did you have a good Mother's Day?

Did you have a good Mother's Day? It's the question everyone seems to be asking at work today. I'm thankful that I work with such great people, it means I can be honest and say no. 

It seems unfair to say no. I have this amazing son, my mom and BOTH of my grandmas who are local and we all got to eat at the same table for dinner. Not to mention a super awesome mother-in-law in North Carolina, but the thing I don't have took over for the things I do have and I was s-a-d. 

I think Mother's Day is quite possibly the worst "holiday" of all time.

Moms who lost children=sad
Women who desperately want to be moms and can't=sad
Children (of any age) who have lost their mom=sad.  

No good. No good at all, says the lady who like to make a spectacle over all the other stupid hallmar.k holidays. I think I like to celebrate everything else so big because there is so much that I can't do (Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.) I make up for it where I can. 

The moms and grandmothers in my life didn't even get a card. I just couldn't do it. Buying a card meant acknowledging the day was coming so it didn't happen. No cute project from Mason off Pinteres.t, I just didn't have the energy.

The day itself went a little something like this:
Brian woke up with Mason and took him out for pancakes (per my request to be alone). The plan was to sleep in, but Brian sent Mason in with my card and I was awake after that.

The boys left and I took a hot shower BY MYSELF. It was glorious. No two year old pushing me out of the water claiming it's his turn after I get two seconds of water time. He's selfish like that. Then I was able to blow-dry my hair and get dressed like an adult. I did go without make-up, I knew it wouldn't be long before the tears would come. 

The tears came after receiving this picture from my mom. With the caption "Baking cookies with Addi". 

They were the good kind of tears of course. I'm so thankful to have such a great mom who loves her granddaughter so much.   

I drove to the cemetery through blurry eyes and did my best to spruce up the joint. I was glad I went. They had just mowed, they always leave it a mess and move all the special things. Some wooden flowers I left last time had been broken...they are so careless. There were several cars at the cemetery at 9:30am, I'm guessing children visiting their mamas. I was the only one in the baby section at that time. 

More tears and then I headed to the S.bucks with the drive-thru. I decided to buy the coffee for the person behind me. Maybe they were having a rough day too, maybe they weren't, but either way I hope it brightened their day. 

Next was the mall, but I forgot they didn't open that early. Luckily the red circle store never lets me down. I stood in front of the greeting card section for a good ten minutes. The cards mocked me so I left. I bought things like shampoo, conditioner, diaper geni.e refills and some construction trucks for Mason...I know, I'm glamorous. 

A new shoe store opened next door and I figured it was a good place to continue my retail therapy. I was determined to buy some new sandals with the money Brian had given me for a M-Day gift for myself. He knows me so well.  I realized that I can't shop without my sister. All I kept thinking was WWAT (what would Alisa think). I bought some anyways and luckily she approved. :)

I eventually made it back to the mall, I bought some eyeshadow and some Frang.o mints and called it a day. Did you know Frang.o makes a cookie? I ate them like a loser in my car. 

Brian had suggested a manicure/pedicure, but I kept picturing mother/daughter duos in the nail salon and it was enough to make me sick. So I kept going. 

I have been meaning to buy the new cool book on the block for Mason "Goodnight, Goodnight," so my next stop was B&N. My green tea from earlier was long gone so I decided to allow myself one more. I bought 4 books, guilt books. Here Mason, sorry mommy sucks today. Here are some books. We good?! xoxo

I couldn't think of any thing else to do on the Westside so I thought I would head back. It was sunny and warm so I thought a car wash would be good. When I got off the freeway there were guys holding out signs from JL for an oil change and I remembered that I was 3K plus over when I *should* have had it changed. I am normally a dealership only kind of girl, but it was time and I had time so there you go. I did get the car washed and called it a day.

Dinner was at my parent's house. I got there early hoping to write a blog post in the sun, but the wind was a little too much. The family showed up (mom, dad, sister, brother, both grandma's, my only remaining grandpa, two uncles and Brian with Mason). I was so thankful that I didn't have to cook or host. 

I feel like having so much means I shouldn't be allowed to feel so sad, but I was. I missed Addison so much. I miss her so much. The missing is apart of everyday, but Mother's Day is so in your face. This was my 4th Mother's Day without her and I don't see this day getting any easier. 

Next year, spa day? Any other BLM's game? Let's get out of town and be sad together. 


  1. I'm glad you are writing. I hate that mothers/father's day is so hard! I wish we could shop together. Hugs!

  2. I'm excited to see the joy Mason brings you when he reads "Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site."

    But back to the topic at hand. I'm sorry you were sad, but I'm not really... It's just that I'm sorry you have a reason to be sad. I went to the beach and should have had a lovely day, but one of my children is dead so how nice can the day be, ya know?

    I love how much your family loves your little girl. Like, I'm super jealous of it actually. They are wonderful.

    Spa day - I'm down. Serious - our next get together should be Mother's Day! I think you're oh to something

  3. Your mom's photo and caption made me cry, too. It just sucks so much, Keleen. It's ridiculously and impossibly unfair and I hate it. I don't think you need to feel guilty about your grief. It doesn't matter how lucky you are, you'll never have Addison here with you, and nothing can fix that--not even the freaking adorable Mason. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate him. It just means Addi can't be replaced.

  4. What a sweet post and I am so sorry that Mother's Day was so hard for you. I agree with Brooke, no need to feel guilty for your grief and sadness on this day. It is good to remember those whose are loss and to grieve for them, no matter what. I spent all of Mother's Day thinking of our daughter, L, and wishing things were different. Hang in there.

  5. I think having a place at a cemetary would make me angry. I would probably judge the other moms and their lack of interest to be there for their babies. I sort of did the same when my kids were in the NICU and the parents weren't there like ALL DAY LONG. Because I was. But I guess I was not fair to assume there were not other things going on...

    That picture your mom took... I would've SOBBED.

    I totally left my house and told Elliot I would be gone three hours and went to Target for retail therapy because Mother's Day makes me feel like a phony.

    For reals on that spa day.

    I really need to buy B that book. But of course it should be worn and tattered by now from big brother.

    Mother's Day is an asshole.

  6. I read this shortly after you posted, and I'm just now getting around to commenting on lots of blogs from my laptop. I got a new phone (for mother's day) and commenting from it is a little frustrating. my comments all get eaten!

    Mother's Day was SUPER hard. It was the "first" mother's day for my sister with her new daughter (she's not including last year while she was pregnant with her) and it was the first all three of my mother's children were with her in a while on that day. and to top it off "all" of her grandbabies were there. And by "all" I mean both living. My Theo and my sister's daughter. Not all. Seemingly though. But it was hard for me. Such a lovely time for my mother and sister. And she gave my mother a book that she made with shutterfly called "Mother's and daughters become closest when daughters become mothers". Sweet play on words, but not really fitting in my case as when I became a mother it really ripped my life apart and no one in my family got it.

    That picture from your mother is absolutely heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once. God. I wish I had the same feelings towards Alexander in my family.