Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Spa Day

Spa day is actually a really REALLY nice way of saying I had my yearly OB appointment. It sort of felt like a day away since I got to go all by myself and put on a robe aka gown. I have also referred to it as a "mile maintenance" like you get for your car. Since I'm 29, maybe it was my 29,000 mile maintenance. My sister calls it her "love" appointment. What do you call it?

Going to the OB or even just the office is a mixed bag of emotions for me. I've spent SO much time there. It's very familiar. It holds some of my happiest moments and some very very sad ones. I heard both of my babies heartbeats there for the first time, I found out my dream of having a girl would be a reality there, I met the doctor that would walk through hell with us and a team of medical staff I owe the little sanity I have to. It's like home there and yet, it gives me anxiety. Going there means there WILL be other pregnant ladies and those things are still hard for me. It means embracing all those feelings and walking down a very sad memory lane. 

January has been a good month. No tears and feeling very light hearted, but my drive to the OB made me feel a bit sick. Seeing my "peeps" felt great and talking with them was even better, but also hard. 

My OB had a heart to heart with me and I was not expecting it...I mean I was, but I also was not. He asked some hard questions. Hard questions for me, ones I usually shy away from answering. His first question was if Brian and I had started to think about growing our family. I immediately burst into tears. Brian and I discussed that we would wait until Mason was two (3 more months) to have that conversation, but of course it's something that is on my mind every single day. 

I'm so torn because I don't feel done, but I also don't feel anywhere near ready to walk down this road again. 

He asked if I needed a living sibling for M. The answer is yes.

He asked if adoption was an option (he has an adopted child so it's not like a "why don't you JUST adopt" question) he knows how big and scary adoption is in itself. My answer was no. The funny thing is that in high school I talked seriously about my desire to adopt one day. I even knew which country I wanted to adopt from. After everything we have been through, knowing a little about adoption and its uncertainties, I can say that does not seem like a road I am willing to go down. 

We talked for a long time, much longer than I expected and I cried the whole time. We talked about my fear of pregnancy, my fear that Mason may or may not get a living sibling, my fears about never having a living daughter, my jealousy and anger over other people getting to have their "whole families", daughters, fearless pregnancies etc. 

We talked about what a hard infant Mason was and how that was not a happy time for me. He even said that I needed to do this again to have a pleasant newborn experience because I deserve it, but we all know that deserving things doesn't mean shit. Plus at the end of the day, I feel like Mason being alive is all I was really allowed to wish for. 

I could tell he wanted to promise me that another pregnancy would end in a happy healthy baby and mama. I could tell that he wanted to "fix" me and make me better, I could tell that each tear of mine was killing him, but nothing he could say fixes this. Nothing brings Addison back and anything else will never be enough. 

We talked about Addison and said her name. She is a person to us both and that is validating. It's not enough, but it was nice. 

I think he was surprised to see how much I am still grieving. He gets it, but he doesn't. He tries, but all his children are all alive and he still believes things happen for a reason. I explained that there are no reasons good enough and nothing will ever be worth the price of Addison's life. He gets it, but he doesn't. 

An emotional visit to say the least. Good, but also very sad (the actual appointment part is less than fun, but over quickly). 

I stayed for a while and had my blood drawn. Got my birth control prescription refilled, we joked to keep the BC coming by the truckload. 

I pulled my shit together, fixed my face and headed out. I left feeling like I wouldn't be back until next year's appointment...I suppose that means baby plans do not feel like they will take place in 2014. Brian has given me a cutoff "baby making" date of June 2015. For his own reasons (which are important to him) he doesn't want to have children after he is 35...no pressure. 

I hate that this is such an emotional decision, I hate that another pregnancy would only mean fear, I hate that another pregnancy would make me take so many steps back with all the steps forward I have taken in happiness. I hate that without another pregnancy a living sibling won't be possible. Most of all I hate that another pregnancy won't bring my Addison back. Hate it. 


6 comments:

  1. Ok first, I don't have a name for my yearly OB visits but love that you do and think "spa day" is perfect. How fitting that you did get a manicure recently too!

    I come from a different but similar place in regards to the fears of another pregnancy after the first one after loss. First, I was "lucky" in that Finn was a boy. It took the pressure off the last pregnancy. I can't imagine how hard that is and empathize with how much that would impact your decision. I do still, and always will, have some gender hang ups, but that's because our family never will be as it should. I'm thrilled to get the chance to raise a daughter, but my boy who already should have a brother to play with now (most likely) never will.

    My first pregnancy after Finn obviously didn't go as planned. Ended at 10 weeks.just a quick reminder to me (as if I needed it) that things don't go as planned even when you've paid your dues. So there's that shifty reality - we aren't immune to loss (more loss).

    Yes, there were all the normal post loss emotions that accompanied my pregnancy with Mary, but there were other good emotions too. Hope. Love. Excitement. We got lucky that it ended well. And I do have to say, for whatever itself worth, Mary's arrival has felt like one of the greatest gift I'll ever be able to give Finn. It made the fear and the stress worth it. Obviously I can only say that because it did end happily. It's not what it should be. I still miss Cale with every ounce of my being. I want two boys and one girl. But for us, it was one of the very best, and most brave things we've done and I'm so glad we did.

    Love to you whatever you decide and whenever you decide it. May it bring you peace.

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  2. I love that you were at least able to talk to the doctor about it all. I also know I want another child but am so not ready yet. The idea is so scary still it gives me a belly ache. And I love everything Caroline said. xoxo

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  3. Caroline said so much of it perfectly.

    I, also, do not have a name for my yearly appointment. That said I if I had your OB I think I would! He sounds incredible! So compassionate and kind hearted. No, he does not understand all of it but he tries. And I appreciate the effort. I would much rather see the effort of trying to do the right thing than assuming they are and saying everything wrong.

    If that makes sense.

    Having another is an impossible question. An impossible question with no right answer. Know that you have my unconditional support no matter what you choose.

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  4. Good grief. Those OB visits really do bring out the apprehension in us all. Thank GOD I'm not pregnant anymore and never intend to be again. I know I have so much to be thankful for in getting to raise a boy since we lost Andrew and I always longed to raise a boy. And of course having Claire means I got the total package, right? BLAH. Yeah, it's wonderful knowing I get to raise two beautiful children, but the gender thing actually never affected me.

    But you wanted that girl. You wanted Addison. Even if another girl was in store to be a living sibling for Mason, she still wouldn't be your Addison. That's more than apparent in so many ways.

    I hate that these visits are emotional triggers and will always be for many of us. I couldn't be more thrilled to say goodbye to my OB (though amazing) until a year from now-- well, a year from 4 weeks from now when I have my checkup.

    GAH. I really just wish Addison was here. Just IMAGINE the kind of people we would be if our lives didn't end up like this?

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  5. My hubby and I just recently had this discussion. In fact, I had my "spa day" yesterday and had my IUD removed. In my heart I know I'm not done but I'm scared too. We had so many complications with Josh, I'm not sure I'm ready to go through it again. But, age is against us. I wish you peace as you begin the journey again. Its a hard decision to make, especially knowing that they don't always end happy. As we all know too well...

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  6. I've wanted to comment as soon as I read this. But I also wanted to be at my lap top so I didn't get peeved off while trying to type on the ipad.

    I'm a year behind you. And I feel like our emotions in the first year (due to the sheer exhaustion of a difficult infant - screamers aren't fun. Shitty sleepers aren't fun) are similar. And where you are right now, I'll probably be there too. I'm not ready right now. And I don't feel like I will be, ever. Who knows if better sleep, and a more willing toddler (ha!!) will change my mind on the family growing subject. But right now, I cant imagine having another Theo type baby to deal with ON TOP of already having a toddler at home. But I want more. I want my kids to have siblings they can play with and love on. And fight with too. That's what I had growing up... but I just cant believe going through that initial newborn/infant stage again. And Theo is 9 months old, and is only turning a corner with day time naps. Still sleeps like shit at night.

    I hear what your OB said about giving yourself another chance to have that experience you always wanted. I think that to myself too. Almost like I NEED to try again and have another so I can get that fucking fairytale new baby experience. Even before Theo started turning into a wacko (0-2 month stage), I didn't enjoy him like most "new mothers" do. I was too worried about him dying. All the time. Especially in his sleep. And at 8-12 weeks old he was sleeping 4-5 hours some nights, and I wasn't because of my worry! Crazy blm shit lingering stealing my sleep and my sanity. So I want to have another baby - for countless reasons, but - hugely to heal my heart in the things I crave as a "new mom".

    But it's not guaranteed. And that scares the shit out of me. But I guess that's where I need to "have faith" in things working out. And I know I've rolled my eyes at outside people telling me to have faith in that things will be ok (when I was pregnant with Theo), but as a BLM, my faith isn't blind. It's well versed in all the things that DONT work out.

    And in that weird way that having faith can exist... I hope you have it too. I hope all these emotions find a place to land, and you guys get to a place where you know what's "right".

    And all the hoping I can do wont bring back what it is we really want. The firsts. The ones that got away.

    I too wish Addison was here. And I hate that no matter how many times you go at this pregnancy thing again, it wont bring her back. Hate hate hate that.

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