Monday, January 6, 2014

Blue Christmas

I was trying to remember last Christmas. What we did and how I felt. I can't. I mean there are pieces and parts, but for the most part I remember it being the beginning of Mason's new and improved attitude. I think I was still in denial that the screaming/crying/grumpy stage (and by stage, I mean his whole life) could really be over and I was bracing for whatever new stage of terrible we were in store for. Luckily there was no new terrible in store for 2013, but I didn't know that then and was too deflated to hope.

I know I was sad, I know I missed Addison, I know I wasn't loving life, but the details are hairy.

This Christmas was hard and felt harder or at least more tear filled than last year. I don't remember crying so much last year. Maybe I did, but I think I was too exhausted to cry. This year, I had a happy boy and sleep. This year there was joy, but December feels separate from the rest of the year. Almost as if it spins on its own axis. 

November was the start of the decline of my emotions. The anticipation/sadness/grief etc. took over. Then we went to North Carolina and had the most wonderful time with Brian's parents and Addison felt included and loved and my heart felt as full as a heart only working at 70% (purely my own calculations). Total side note, but that's how I feel about my heart. I usually only love about 70% of what my old heart was capable. 70% is the new 100% as far as I go. So if you get 70% that's everything I got! You're welcome.

North Carolina gave us sunshine and love and validated our girl. We came home refreshed and ready to take on the rest of December. Unfortunately, that didn't last long and coming home to "real life" hit hard.

We did the bare minimum and that worked for the most part. No tree at our house, but Mason had the whole experience when we helped get my parent's tree and he had one at daycare. I was very happy not to have stockings or lights or anything else in our house until about a week before Christmas. The more pictures I would see on FB, IG etc. the more I felt sad and guilty that we didn't have those things.

It's been four Christmas' of no Christmas at my house and I really hate that. FOUR. I hate it for me , I hate it for Brian, but I really hate it for Mason and Addison too. I don't ever want Mason to think that it is Addison's fault that Christmas is hard, but Christmas is hard and it's a hard thing to balance.

I've started making lists of all the things I want to do with Mason next year. I'm tired of "skipping" Christmas, but I also know that when grief comes calling there isn't much else you can do, but to answer.

My plan is just to have a plan for next year and if I only cross off half my list that will still be progress, I know I can't have too high of expectations, but something MUST change.

I actually had a moment on Christmas Eve morning where I thought it was going to be a good Christmas. I was even feeling some holiday spirit. That afternoon my damn dog got up on the counter and ate the apple pie my sister and I worked so hard on the night before and I lost it. Not just about the pie, but how nothing seems to go smoothly or easy and it's all such a mess (literally and figuratively). I cried in the kitchen as I told Brian what happened. I cried more because I was angry at crying about pie. Of course it wasn't just about the pie. That opened the floodgates and I cried until our guests showed up. We had a nice dinner and then I cried Christmas morning.

It was a perfectly lovely day, but still so hard without Addison. I just wish so much were different.

Hoping for a better Christmas 2014. I don't expect to miss Addison any less, but I do want to have a Merry Christmas again. Here's hoping. 


  1. I love him. I know Christmas is hard. I know what it's like to want to take down that damn tree on Christmas eve because it's all hopeful and shit when I am clearly not. bah.

    Hoping 2014 brings great things for us all. <3

  2. I think your plan to have a plan is a good one. It's a start. Christmas can always be hard and that's ok, but in time you'll figure out how to make it work best for your family.

    Goodness is that boy cute. Wish his cute sister was in all of these pictures too. xo

  3. Sorry Christmas was so hard. I wasn't as sad this year but I definitely didn't feel it like I used to. I suppose as time goes on (and I can't believe it's been 4 Christmas' either) it will get easier. Or maybe we will just get better at missing them.

  4. Last Christmas for you sounds like this Christmas for me. I was exhausted. Am exhausted. But I had a feeling this year that things are necessarily going to be THAT much better next year. Sure, Theodore might be sleeping better (oh god hopefully) but there will always be someone missing.

    My birthday and christmas are all wrapped into one. And my fathers birthday is dec 22 and he pasted away in 2010. Things haven't felt the same since he died. Especially on the birthday front for me. (I'm dec 20). But now that Alexander is always missing too... I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back into the groove of the holiday season. I did used to love it though.

    Your son could possibly be one of the cutest boys I've ever seen!

  5. Aren't necessarily going to be THAT much better*

  6. Blah. Each year I am anxious for it all to end. This year was no different. I'm still staring at my across-the-street neighbors' wreath hanging from their door. PLEASE take it down. Thanks.