Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The night before

'Twas the night before the 5th, when all thro' the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Or something like that. Everyone is asleep, but I just couldn't sleep without posting something.

Our flight to NC was much better than I expected. Mason gets a solid B for his behavior during almost 7 hours of flight time, a 4am wake up with NO nap and a layover/plane change. His B is awarded on the curve. I'm comparing him only to his two previous flights, Chicago being a total nightmare (well worth it though)! He was busy and needed CONSTANT entertainment and redirection, but there were no meltdowns and no aisle running! I want to write a post all about that, but tonight is not the night.

Arriving in NC provided a giant weight off my shoulders. We made it here with Mason and Brian in decent moods and with Addison safely packed in my carry on (what a terrible truth). Never mind that on both flights they tried to take my carry on saying there was no room. Luckily for them, Brian handled things and I didn't have to cut a bitch hurt someone. He did have to tell a nasty flight attendant that she couldn't take it because "our daughter was in there" she backed down REAL quick, but sometimes you just have to be real. Maybe she won't be so nasty to the next flyer!

The second we landed in New Bern aka small airport on a small plane and all old people "blue hairs" started telling us what a good boy we had and how they were so impressed. As the mom who has held her kid for 5 hours of screaming and been THAT person, it was a welcome relief to hear such things. It felt like a victory. Don't think I'm cocky about flying, I'm still terrified about the flight home. Lord knows this boy is capable of making me pay!

The airport is the cutest I have ever seen with rocking chairs of all sizes and a giant eyesore inflatable  snow globe (which Mason loved btw). Brian's parents were waiting just around the corner for us and it's been sweet ever since.

Of course there is the looming third birthday, of course we are feeling sad, but it's not the heaviness I felt at home. Things that I believe contributed:
-a really lovely surprise card and gift from my coworkers and two cards in the mail from friends.
-getting here. I hate travel prep and I was SO stressed about flying with Mason.
-being here. I feel close to Addison here and all the fun memories we had from last time came flooding back.
-watching Brian's parents with Mason. Let's just say that the love is mutual and it fills my heart.
- talking to Brian's parents about Addison. I can't believe I am so lucky to have to sets of understanding parents, the knowledge of how that is not common in our group is not lost on me.
-knowing I have people at home who will be visiting Addison's spot in my absence.
-having a plan of how we will celebrate, remember and honor Addison tomorrow on her day.
-receiving texts, emails, IG messages, Facebook messages and one VERY special call from a friend who must have known that would fill my heart (you know who you are)!
-my tribe in general, you know who you are. The emails and love for each other is re-dick-U-lus.

I guess I just feel an overwhelming sense of people "getting it" and loving our girl with us. That's really all any baby loss mama really wants. It's what I needed and I feel a sense of calm I wasn't expecting. I know that could all change by tomorrow, but that's how I feel right now in this moment. I'm even "looking forward" to releasing some of Addison's ashes in a special location that I'm not sure I can talk about which may or may not be legal.

Even though I am feeling decent about "the plan" it's still NOT okay that this is how we are celebrating Addison's 3rd birthday. It's NOT okay that she isn't here. It's NOT okay that my baby died. None of it will ever be okay, but this is what I have, this is it and I'm taking it and feeling grateful for what I do have.

I suppose my fear now is the day after. When the phone calls, emails, texts stop. When' she becomes yesterday's news. That's when I expect the grief to resurface. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm already dreading that part. Flying home, getting back to life...none of that sounds fun.

My energy level is what it is now because I'm only doing what feels right. I'm not answering email or thinking about anything or anyone else other than Addison and the December babies I mentioned in my last post. It's working and I'm not going to mess with it. Everything else can wait. Even keeping up with IG feels a bit overwhelming at times, but I'm doing my best to keep up.

I'm hopeful for a good day tomorrow for my girl. I would give anything to have her, anything, but since life doesn't work like that, I will do what I can to honor her.

It's almost the 5th, it's coming no matter what. I might be ready for it this year (as ready as I can be)

I love you Addison Eloise forever and always.


  1. "our daughter was in there" <- I love your hubby. Because not only is it true, but that harsh truth shut that flight attendant right up. xox

    Thinking of your girl today, of course. love you momma

  2. I also love the honesty of Brian. What a man. And really, I WILL CUT YOU if you touch Addison.

    I'm with you and read every word late last night... anxious to hear about all the plans you had for Addi's third birthday.