Thursday, December 5, 2013

On her third birthday

The 5th has come and gone another year. As Brian said "another birthday down, just a million more to go". Of course not an actual million, but it does feel like that.

Today was actually a good day. I still think going home will be hard, we feel somewhat protected over here. It was 77 degrees today, back home in WA there are record lows and snow.

Today may have been December 5th, but it sure didn't feel like it.

I felt the love with every text, every email, every IG post, every everything. The picture posts especially for Addison were the the very best. I really FELT it. I feel like Addison was remembered today and that people were actually getting what a profound loss her life was. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to hold onto that thought.

The day went something like this. Awake at 9am. I mean that in itself is amazing. Mason has been sleeping like a rockstar here and I needed it after staying up until 2:30am the night before.  Brian's parents made us breakfast (actually they have been feeding us this whole time, which is a giant gift to not cook or clean)! We had a lazy morning (Brian,  Mason and I) and then headed out for a round of golf. They live on a beautiful golf course that's a bit brown right now, but trust me, it's lovely. We were all pretty excited to "golf" with Mason and take him for a ride on the carts.

It was hot and sunny, but the grounds were soaked after a big rain the day before. Just as expected, Mason LOVED the carts and didn't mind attacking hitting the ball with his own club.

I didn't golf because hello, Mason isn't going to just sit there patiently so it was not as relaxing as the last time we all golfed together and by golf I mean they golfed and I drove the cart and ate crackers for my morning sickness. There were lots of memories flooding back about being here last time with Addi.

As much as it was a pain to wrangle Mason, it was a job I was thankful for. The only thing worse than wrangling a baby is not having one to wrangle. I pulled a total mom move and changed a poopy diaper on the golf cart, still not as hard as changing it in the airplane with no changing table. I digress. We quit with three holes to go because it was nap time. Totally worth it though.

After Mason's nap, two friends came over to honor Addi. These two friends are people we met last time we were here and each has suffered a significant loss. As I looked around the room I realized all six of us adults were wearing our Addi bracelets. Talk about special.

The pond outside their home is special, it's where they want to go when they are gone and where several friends already reside. It's happy, calm and lovely. One of the friends said a prayer and we released some of Addison's ashes. It was special, beautiful and felt right. I know her grandparents will take good care of her and she will continue to watch over them.

We had a toast to Addi afterwards, an excellent dinner and yummy dessert.

We ended the day with watching the Soun.d Of. Music live. I think she would have liked that.

I feel peaceful tonight. Not whole, but peaceful. I missed my family today and going to Addison's spot, but all in all this was the right decision for us.

I'll end with something I have said a million times before, but will always be true. I miss her, I love her, I wish she were here.

I love you to the moon and back again. I can't believe we are back in NC and you are not here to run around with us. That was not the plan. This new plan is too hard and I don't like it much at all. You are my girl, my perfect girl. I would have given you everything. I'm doing my best on the days I am able. I hope I make you proud. I hope you can feel my love today and everyday. I'm sending you my love just as friends and family sent me and you their love all over the US (and Canada)! I felt their love. Can you feel mine?!? I hope you can feel my arms wrap around you with my face buried in your neck like I do with your brother. I want to imagine you squealing with delight as he does yelling "more, more"!  I don't know how long we will have to wait to do this for real, but I promise you, it's coming. If I have anything to say about it, it's coming. I love you, I love you, I love you. Happy 3rd birthday baby.
This was us in 2010, pregnant with Addi. True happiness. 

*I've spent an hour trying to figure out how to add my pictures from today, but blogger hates me and I need sleep. I'll try again later. 


  1. I miss Addi with you. I really do. Knowing that you and I were in our own hospital beds with tears streaming because that was the day we were to birth our first babies to bring home and love forever... it's not a cool thing but it's really nice to know I was in such great company.

    So happy your family is so supportive and that Addison is loved the world over.

    p.s. The two bathrooms in the back of the airplane are not created equal. One usually has a changing table (which is quite large but still not easy) and the other does not. Choose wisely. ;)

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    That third birthday sounds like a wonderful tribute to your daughter.

  3. Happy birthday to Addi. Much love.

  4. Tears here for you and for Addi. I'm so sorry she's not here. I'm glad you had a peaceful weekend and made it through another birthday surrounded by love.

  5. So sweet and brought me to tears...she is so incredibly loved and I hate that she isn't here. Another year gone just seems so unreal. Hugs to you my friend!!