Sunday, December 1, 2013

Another December

First post in six months...must be December again.

It's been hard. Really hard. The grief started strong last week and has not let go. It's the anticipation, it's the reality, it's the fact that she would be 3 years old.

Three is a walking/talking/opinionated/funny/fun/trying/yelling/crying/singing/loving time. I want three so much it hurts.

I am a procrastinator by nature. Tests, packing, projects etc. you name it, I can procrastinate it. Knowing December is the hardest month of my life means being on top of my game the best I know how. It means family Christmas pictures, Christmas cards, Santa pictures all of that must happen in November. I can't participate in the normal things people do in December. Now that I know that, I have to plan ahead and follow through.

It's all hard to do without her, but I need to do it for Mason. I NEED to. He deserves the memories and so we will continue things, no matter how hard.

Mason has his Santa picture outfit, his Christmas picture outfit, his Christmas day outfit, his getting the tree outfit and a couple other things for misc. parties, he even has a snazzy suit for church and incase there is a funeral this year...yes, I plan for that (last year's suit was used three times :( ). What we don't have is a Christmas dress. No dress, no tights (with ruffles), no patent leather shoes, no gloves, no headband, no bows and no peacoat. I suppose I am used to not getting to buy those things, but the same hurt remains.

We are headed out to North Carolina for Addison's birthday. It's becoming a tradition of sorts to "get outta town" for the week surrounding her day (last year was CA). It sucks to be home and to go through all the motions just as it went down three years ago, it sucks to be gone so that we are away from my family and Addison's headstone on her day. It all just sucks. There is no winning and whatever we do, it won't be planning a 3rd birthday party for our daughter. With that said, I am really excited to spend time in NC with Brian's parents. They are very supportive parents and grandparents. Most of my anxiety for this trip is traveling with a 20 month old. The extra stress around this time of year is crippling. I have never taken any medication, but it makes me think some kind of anxiety medicine for next year should be something I look in to.

The last time we were in NC, we were pregnant with Addison and we got to announce in person to Brian's parents. That trip was something dreams are made of. It was just a week of visiting, but there was some kind of magic present. It was one of the best trips I have ever been on, great company and just pure joy. I was so sick with morning all day sickness, but I got to take a nap every day and just enjoy Brian's parents and their friends. It was the one and only time we would ever take Addison with us (alive). It was the happiest time. Thinking about how happy we were the last time we were there makes me sad and thankful. We will never be THAT happy again, but they say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved and I believe that.

Today, Brian and I made Addison's birthday cake. We made it out of flowers and will bring it to her headstone tomorrow. Family here have promised to visit her spot on the 5th and we will do something special in NC.

I can't believe another December is here. I miss her so much. My heart is so broken for my girl and as if December isn't hard enough, there are seven SEVEN other babies who have families missing them this month:

4th twins William and Ethan
5th Addison
5th Andrew
6th Eliza
15th Anna
19th Logan
20th Elizabeth

No wonder my heart is so heavy. 

I'll leave you with pictures of Addison's flower cake.



Little brother "blowing out the candles".


  1. The cake came out so lovely. Wish your girl was here to enjoy it. Forever sorry that she isn't. I hope your traveling goes well and that the time with family is peaceful and therapeutic. Will be missing Addi the 5th, this month, and always.

  2. Heavy hearts this month for sure. I'm weighted with grief for Addi and Andrew and all the other December babies.

    Damn I wish you were posting pictures of her in a ridiculously ruffly Christmas dress.

  3. December again. It always hits me like a ton of bricks. Like I should be doing something... yet I'm crippled. I hate it so much.

    I think Addison's cake is gorgeous. I don't know where you got that idea, but I absolutely love it. Sure wish she was planning and telling you which sugary cake she wanted from the bakery this year. And wearing all those ruffled dresses and cute socks with lace.

    I just hate it. Totally sad now for you missing Addison, missing Andrew and of course all our friends missing their beloved babies. I just can't believe December. How could it be SO cruel that year?

  4. I hate that such a magical month will forever be changed and that I am not staring at your beautiful 3 year old in her new Christmas dress.

    The last week of November really kicked my ass and the "anticipation" is killing me as well (I still have 17 days to go :/). Thankfully our living child (ren) can take a little of the sting away in certain moments, but can be salt in the wound at other times.

    I can't believe 7 in this BLM network share our agony and grief daily...will be thinking of everyone as the days continue to tick on by.

    Enjoy your family and getting away...many tears will be shed with you and her cake is beautiful. Remembering Addi on the 5th and everyday!!

  5. Addi's cake is lovely! I'll never stop wishing your girl was with you...and the thought of what should be continues to take my breath away.

    I am with you on the need to be as normal as possible for our rainbows. They do deserve a joyous holiday season...that dark cloud of grief that casts a shadow over what should be fun and magical really sucks.

    Thinking of your sweet Addi along with all of our December babies we miss so much! Xoxo

  6. Love this whole post, except, obviously, the subject matter. That cake is beautiful and I'm sure Addison will adore it.

    December is such a horrible month now and I hate it so much. It used to be my favourite and now it stings with the anticipation we all felt about this month. </3