It's been hard. Really hard. The grief started strong last week and has not let go. It's the anticipation, it's the reality, it's the fact that she would be 3 years old.
Three is a walking/talking/opinionated/funny/fun/trying/yelling/crying/singing/loving time. I want three so much it hurts.
I am a procrastinator by nature. Tests, packing, projects etc. you name it, I can procrastinate it. Knowing December is the hardest month of my life means being on top of my game the best I know how. It means
It's all hard to do without her, but I need to do it for Mason. I NEED to. He deserves the memories and so we will continue things, no matter how hard.
Mason has his Santa picture outfit, his Christmas picture outfit, his Christmas day outfit, his getting the tree outfit and a couple other things for misc. parties, he even has a snazzy suit for church and incase there is a funeral this year...yes, I plan for that (last year's suit was used three times :( ). What we don't have is a Christmas dress. No dress, no tights (with ruffles), no patent leather shoes, no gloves, no headband, no bows and no peacoat. I suppose I am used to not getting to buy those things, but the same hurt remains.
We are headed out to North Carolina for Addison's birthday. It's becoming a tradition of sorts to "get outta town" for the week surrounding her day (last year was CA). It sucks to be home and to go through all the motions just as it went down three years ago, it sucks to be gone so that we are away from my family and Addison's headstone on her day. It all just sucks. There is no winning and whatever we do, it won't be planning a 3rd birthday party for our daughter. With that said, I am really excited to spend time in NC with Brian's parents. They are very supportive parents and grandparents. Most of my anxiety for this trip is traveling with a 20 month old. The extra stress around this time of year is crippling. I have never taken any medication, but it makes me think some kind of anxiety medicine for next year should be something I look in to.
The last time we were in NC, we were pregnant with Addison and we got to announce in person to Brian's parents. That trip was something dreams are made of. It was just a week of visiting, but there was some kind of magic present. It was one of the best trips I have ever been on, great company and just pure joy. I was so sick with
Today, Brian and I made Addison's birthday cake. We made it out of flowers and will bring it to her headstone tomorrow. Family here have promised to visit her spot on the 5th and we will do something special in NC.
I can't believe another December is here. I miss her so much. My heart is so broken for my girl and as if December isn't hard enough, there are seven SEVEN other babies who have families missing them this month:
4th twins William and Ethan
No wonder my heart is so heavy.
I'll leave you with pictures of Addison's flower cake.
|Little brother "blowing out the candles".|