Wednesday, June 12, 2013

BLM/Rainbow Baby Weekend 2013

I'm staying home from work today with a sick little boy. Not sick sick, just a runny nose and a cough. He's mostly just whiny and wants his mama, which I am happy to oblige. The reason he is sick probably has something to do with the 13 other babies he spent the weekend swapping spit with, or the 13 extra mama's holding him or the two plane rides to and from Chicago or a combination of it all, but you know what?!? It doesn't matter because in a few days he will be good as new and the memories we made over the weekend will stay with me the rest of my life.

Brooke and Brandy did a better job breaking down the weekend, but I just had to write SOMETHING of my own.

On Friday, Mason and I flew to Chicago to meet up with 13 other baby loss mom's and their 13 rainbow babies. All of which I met because of this blog. I started this blog for me, for Addison, to write my thoughts down and what I got was so much more. I found other mothers going through what I was in relatively the same time frame and they became my people.

There is no other group/people in the world I would have braved a 4 and 4.5 hour flights to Chicago with a 13 month old by myself, but for this group I was pretty much willing to move Heaven and Earth to make this meeting happen.

Walking into Brandy's house for the first time with so many moms and babies already there was completely overwhelming, but in the best way possible. Hugging all these women who I have "known" for years, but was never able to wrap my arms around. Smooching babies who I loved even before they were born, babies who I waited for anxiously through nerve-wracking pregnancies and cried when they were born, babies who have siblings in heaven that I truly believe are Addi's bff's. And just like that after all this time such a big group of us were under one roof.

It was really something to look around the room and see that 90% of the moms were holding someone else's baby. It's like these babies KNEW how much we loved them and were happy to be held by all of us. It was easy to get something to eat or go to the bathroom because the room was full of women who loved my son as much as I loved their kids. You could see all the mothering going on between moms and all the babies, it was really something.

The conversation flowed easily and there was no explanation needed when switching from talking about our living children to the ones we didn't get to keep. There was laughing, crying, laughing and crying at the same time, chit chat, deep conversations and really just a beautiful understanding by everyone.

At one point we all shared photo albums of our babies. Most of us do not share our baby's photos online so getting to see pictures of these babies I have loved for so long was like seeing that missing piece. It was so easy to see them in their siblings and really just made me love them all the more.

I missed out on a new mommy group of friends when Addison was born, but these women are my mommy group. I guess that's one part I didn't miss out on after all.

I came home feeling better than I have since losing Addi. My heart will never be whole again, but after this weekend it felt closer to whole than I ever thought was possible. I smiled bigger and felt a peace I forgot existed. Like Brandy said, I'm only sad it's over.

Now that I have met so many in person, once will never be enough and I am already saving for next year's get together. Nicole, Darcey and of course Becky, 2014 better include you all.

Thank you to everyone who came, and for sharing your children with me, thank you for letting me share both of mine with you. I wouldn't trade this weekend for anything except Addison. You all mean so much to me. Is it 2014 yet?!?

I missed Addison so much this weekend, but in a way it's like she was there, it was like they were all there. What a gift.

14 BLM+14 Rainbow babies. Forever missing Elizabeth, Bear, Cale, Hayes, Jack, Camille, Aiden, Julius, twins William and Ethan, Addison, Andrew, Ava, Eliza and Anna.

Sonja's sweet mom made these adorable hats for our rainbow babies in honor her granddaughter Elizabeth. Each hat representing a very loved and missed big sister or brother/s.

My very own Rainbow baby.


  1. Great job--you made me cry too! ;)

  2. Tears here. You're right--I did feel like our babies were there. Such a nice way to keep them with us. I love to think of Eliza and Addi being together somewhere with all the other babies. BFFs for sure.

  3. I love that you listed our babies names! Thank you!! I felt our babies there too. Already saving for 2014!

  4. Benjamin's back to well again? Had a runny nose/wakeups that first night and that was it. Maybe he was just sad you all left. :)

    I'm glad you braved the horrendous flight and mayhem. I needed to meet my friend who was in the hospital along with me. A person I connected with from the very beginning. In so many ways, loving on Mason felt like I was loving on Addison. I so totally understand that beautiful connection.

    I also thought it was incredible seeing how easy and normal it was to see other moms holding babies that were not their own! (not that B gave any of you a choice, HA!). It was a beautiful sight. I've never felt more comfortable and 80% of you were "strangers" before this meeting. Hardly strangers though, considering you all knew my deepest emotions, but you understand.

    I loved that you wrote out their names. <3 And so many others we love and miss.

  5. Love this. So glad you guys did this!

  6. Sounds like a wonderful weekend.

  7. So well written, and deff made me cry a few tears. Such a monumental event, and I really got chills when reading you walking into Brandy's home.. I can only imagine what that was like. <3

  8. I loved walking in and seeing your little guy sitting at the table with the other babes eating. I went over to him to kiss him and love on him not long before I got to hug you and it just was so wonderful. Wishing WA was closer.

  9. So glad you had a fun and therapeutic weekend and loved all the pics. I WILL be at the next, and thank you for thinking of Logan and I, it really means a lot. xoxo

  10. Sounds like you guys had a great time! Love all those rainbows!

  11. Chills. I got chills reading this. Meeting you at the airport. Open arms and love... My goodness I knew it was going to be amazing from the get go. Your radiant smoke and the one on your boy's face! Just wow. Brandy's house was overflowing with love!! I miss you and now once will never be enough!

  12. It was such a wonderful weekend! I'm so glad to have hugged you and excited that we got the two Mason's together for a picture finally!!!

  13. Also I'm with you that the weekend totally deserves a post so even though I haven't blogged in FO-EVA, I did a post about the weekend too :)

    Love ya girl!

  14. I'm so late to the party on even reading this! Ugh, I'm a bad blogger all the way around!

    Thank you so much for thinking of me and my girl. It means so Mich that you remembered her.

    I very much hope to be at the next gathering. But we're going to have to meet anyway!!!