Since Addison's second birthday I have made a conscious decision to stop posting on the 5th of each month. I still have lots to say, but it's nothing that I haven't said before in post after post. I find myself thinking about it, but reminding myself that I have other outlets now.
Today Addison would be two and half years old. 2.5! How do I even wrap my brain around all that we have missed and who our little lady would be. Her likes and dislikes, her temper and her love, her favorite foods, colors, toys, books, people...all of it left only to wonder about.
I find myself continuing to daydream about that life that should have been. I don't know that I will ever stop.
Little girls continue to hurt my heart. I generally look away at the first sight of a tiny human in pink, I go into the children's stores ONLY on the boy side of things and a girl baby shower still seems like something I will never be able to attend. I have one and only one 2.5 year old girl in my life that we spend time with and I still believe it's because she would have been Addi's BFF. I thought over time I would be able to open my heart to other little girls, but that has not been the case. I am very selective with the friends I follow on Instagram and which FB people can show their posts on my feed. It is what it is.
At work I had someone ask me if Mason was 2.5. I just said no, he was 13 months. The coworker seemed surprised to be so far off. I decided not to tell him that he wasn't completely wrong and that 2.5 was right, it was just the wrong child. I always answer the "is this your first" question with no, but in this case he wasn't specifically asking so I didn't have to lie. I have made SEVERAL people uncomfortable with always counting Addi, but that is what is right for me. I feel too horrible not counting her and I still feel that people need to hear that baby loss happens. I have to say more times than not, I am surprised to hear that they themselves have a connection to the baby loss community in some way. Those moments make me the most happy and proud of my decision to always say it.
The 5th day of the month is not as hard as it was in those early days, but it STILL takes my breath away and I am always anticipating it's arrival. It's funny because Mason's "day of the month" doesn't have a profound effect on me. Probably because we are so busy, but it just doesn't feel like an important part of him like the 5th feels for Addi. In fact on the 22nd when Mason turned 13 months I didn't even remember he turned 13 months until going to bed. That date means more for another baby than for him. He gets it all you see and doesn't need that date to be special.
This month will be full of Addison things and that makes my heart feel a bit lighter and happier. There are plans to meet up with several BLM's and their rainbow babies that I have met through this wonderful space. It feels like getting together with the playgroup of mom's that I missed out on with Addi. They are part of my connection to her, my support and my friends. I keep telling people that I am about to get together with some of the best friends I've never met. Something I am SO looking forward to. Then there is the TEARS Rock and Walk. Something we do every year for Addi and hope to raise money for other families to help with funeral expenses. If you would like to donate in Addison's name please click here: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/keleen-crawford/rockwalk
You can watch our story here:
Hoping this month is going to be as amazing as I think it will be!
We miss you so very very much. You are apart of everything we do. I am so excited to share you with some of the best friends I've never met in person. You are with me always. Two and a half. Wow. Our life with you would have been nothing short of magical. I just know it. I love you so much.
PS Occasionally when your brother wakes up in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder, I have convinced myself you are in there pinching him...it always make me laugh as I go in to comfort him....awe siblings, but I also believe you are behind many of his giggles. Keep it up sweet girl (the giggles that is, less pinching). xoxox