Even though it's been months since I have written in this space, I found it necessary to make the effort today. Today is Mother's Day. The fourth MD (2 months pregnant) since I found out I was going to be a mother. The third (5 months post loss) since my daughter was born and gave me the title of mom. The second (with a 1 month old baby at home) since my son was born and finally this year in which I racked up just over 12 months of diaper changing, interrupted sleep, feedings and all that other stuff our society deems as parenting.
It's hard to say the exact second I became a mom. It may be different for everyone, in fact it must be. We all know that just because you can birth a baby does NOT mean you are a mom, but when is it? Please keep in mind that my timeline is not the only timeline. I know it's a personal feeling for each of us.
I think for me that line is a little blurred. It wasn't exactly when I saw those two pink lines. I think it just progressed as my pregnancy did. I was ready to be a mom, but it was odd to me when others referred to me as "mama" after all, I was not THEIR mama. I know when we found out Addison was a girl that something changed for me, seeing her on the ultrasound and knowing she was our baby...my baby. Feelings only got stronger as we allowed ourselves to dream of the life we would have with our precious baby girl. The two days that ring the loudest in my head seem to be when we found out she had no heartbeat and the day she was born. The day Addison was born seems like the obvious answer, but that day we found out she was gone gave me the most intense range of feelings.
I remember being in such shock, such disbelief, such sadness and yet my love for her felt stronger than anything I had ever experienced before. I was her mother and she was my baby. I am her mother and she is my baby.
It's been almost 2.5 years since she was born. I spent 16 months without a baby to hold, to mother to parent. Except for that I DID mother her and I DID parent her. It may have been in an unconventional way, but it WAS mothering and it WAS parenting. I did everything I could to keep her memory alive, to get her headstone, visiting that headstone and decorating it. Writing to her, about her, for her. Connecting with other BLM's, educating the public on baby loss. And most of all LOVING her.
There may not have been diapers, but there were many sleepless nights. Many nights I was kept up from crying, never mind the crying was coming from me.
After 16 months, Mason was born and the outside world seemed to recognize me as a mom, or at least that's how I felt. It was obvious when I went out in public that he belonged to me. There was a baby in my arms, in the car seat in my car and in the nursery in my home.
Last year Mason was not even a month old when Mother's Day arrived and I hadn't been doing all those conventional "motherly" things for that long. This year I feel like outsiders are starting to take me seriously as a legit mom.
I can tell you that for me this was my third Mother's Day. Addison made me a mother and everyday I miss her and love her. Now that Mason is here everyday I love him. Mason allows me the chance to do the conventional motherly duties, but Addison started it all.
Mother's Day is still a sad day for me. I will never feel complete without both of my children in my arms. Never ever.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers. Sending extra love to children missing their mothers and mothers missing their children. Parenting a child in heaven is truly the most difficult job in the world. xxxooo