Monday, November 5, 2012

Twenty-Three Months

I'm going to give this a shot on my phone because getting time on the laptop is nearly impossible. You will most likely find error after error as this phone seems to change my words and I'm too lazy to proof read before posting.

It's been 23 months. Oh my God we are almost to her birthday AGAIN. I can't handle it. Like really I can't even wrap my brain around it. I have no plans other than we may try to get away. I have a feeling my lack of planning is really going to slap me in the face once her day is here. Shit. I just have zero motivation to do anything more than MUST be done each day.

My big news is that I started a new job. I've actually been back to work 2 months as of today....yeah I started on the freaking 5th two months ago. It was supposed to be a two month temp., but they liked me enough that I get to stay. This is awesome for several reasons. One because I freaking hate my last job (where I was for 10 years) I didn't always hate it, but things changed and it was a source of sadness for the last several years. I didn't feel I could leave for a variety of reasons and really I was just hoping things would improve. I really don't want to say too much more about that, but I will say how sweet it is to work with people who are caring and welcoming. It's such a wonderful thing to enjoy where you work and not want to cry the second Sunday night rolls in because you know what's waiting for you...enough said. This new job is also 80% which means I get two half days with Mason and then I work 3 full days. It's enough to make me miss him, but also enough special time together. More on going back to work and Mason update in another post. Work has been such a source of joy and something that is helping me get some happy back.

October was awful for a lot of people who I care about. My grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer (she's never smoked a day in her life), my grandpa (on the other side) had a stroke, a friend lost her baby, a friend took his life and I even think I am missing one other thing. With everything that happened it took me days to cry. Each day I would get more bad news and think OF COURSE that happened. I even had to call our nanny to check on Mason extra because I was just sure something would happen to him (he is great by the way). It was just a month of sad and probably the hardest month outside of Addison.

I really have no idea what the plan is for her birthday. I've ordered a Christmas tree in the sand from Carly Marie to add to our Christmas card in hopes that will make it easier to actually send a Christmas card out for the first time since Addi died. We'll see. I'll give it my best effort.

On a positive note, Mason has been so lovely this month. He smiles more than he cries. Part of me is holding my breath waiting for that screamer to come back, but I really am enjoying this new boy. We even went to Costco tonight and made it through our trip with no screams...I almost felt normal although I did feel anxious as we entered the store...this little sucker has burned me too many times!

Alright it's getting late and 5am comes WAY too early.

Dear Addi,
That day is almost here. That day you were born. That day that should make you two years old. Some days I can imagine, but most days I can't. I still miss you, I still miss that life we thought was ours. I can't believe how strong the ache is even this far down the line.

No matter how we decide to spend your birthday it will never be the way it should. I freaking hate that. I hope I make you proud, I hope you smile at how often I speak your name, I hope you feel my love reaching to you every moment of every day. You are my beloved daughter there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. It's not okay that you died, it's not okay thr you're not in my arms, it's not okay that I'm living so far away from you, but none of that's your fault it just hurts so badly.

Twenty-three months...how did that happen? How could I have survived this long without you? I don't think I'll ever understand why or how a mother's heart keeps beating when her child's does not. It's just so wrong. I love you sweet girl. I'm holding you close even though we are so far away.

Love,
Mommy