Saturday, February 25, 2012

He has a what???

Normally I am prepared for the worst or at least I am 99% of the time...I feel like I have learned to expect it and then just be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen. I am usually a nervous wreck before a doctor appointment, but the last few have gone so well and I feel Mason moving so often now that waiting to hear the heartbeat doesn't give me too much anxiety. I can even have my blood pressure taken at the beginning of the appointment (which we couldn't do before because it would be way too high).

I usually have an entire list of questions saved in my phone to go over with the doctor. This time I only had a few things on my mind so I didn't bother to write them down.

We had to wait for an extra half hour to see our doctor, but that was fine because he is worth it. My main question was just wanting to know about the results from the ultrasound. I wasn't really worried because our reason for having it was because Mason was measuring 6 weeks ahead and the ultrasound showed him only measuring 1 week ahead. I should have known there would be more.

As soon as Dr. B walked in I asked about the ultrasound and he got a weird look. I believe the only thing I said was "oh shit".  He was tripping over his words, which was making me so paranoid. He was trying to explain that what they found could be nothing or it could be something, but it would be hard to explain, but he would do the best he could...I'm thinking just say it already!!!!

While they were checking his kidneys they saw that there was mild splitting of the renal sinus fat bilaterally. This measured 5.5mm on one side.

If you are anything like me you are thinking "say what"????

Dr. B explained that this isn't something they see often and there is not a lot of concrete information as to why this happens (awesome). He said it "could" just be that they happened to catch it in ultrasound before it was finished growing or that it could work itself out or that it won't be a problem at all. He said 9 out of 10 times it is nothing. I was like whoa wait stop right there, I hate statistics and 9/10 doesn't make me feel even the smallest bit better. He kind of laughed (in an appropriate way) and was like fair enough, no statistics for you guys!

I wanted to know worst case scenario what we were looking at. He was beating around the bush, but in a way that made me feel like we really shouldn't go there yet. The plan we have for now is this, do a repeat ultrasound in a few weeks and see if there are any changes. If things are not how they should be then we go see a specialist. Ugh. I am taking comfort in the fact that his kidneys and bladder seem to be functioning normally as of now.  Dr. B. joked that he knew I was waiting for something to legitimately worry about. It did make me laugh because it's true, I am always expecting something to go wrong. Damn.

Brian was pretty quiet during all of this, but he did make the comment that he knew I would be "googling the shit" out of this. Yep, I am/will continue to do just that.

In other news Mason's estimated fetal weight is between the 75th and 90th percentile. No tiny baby here!

It was hard to remember the rest of my questions after that, but I was worried about whooping cough as it has been on the news lately. I asked if I should get a vaccine while pregnant. he wanted to talk with the center for disease control before giving me an answer, but said that Brian could get one now to be proactive...that woke Brian up ha ha.

I also asked about cord positioning as the ultrasound tech. wouldn't talk to me about it. She is normally very forthcoming so saying nothing about it made me worry. Dr. B. went and checked his computer and I was hoping he would tell me it looked good, but instead he was telling me that it changes so much and even if there was something, at this point delivering Mason early would put the him in danger for life long complications and he wasn't of the mind set that we take that risk for something that may or may not happen. This news certainly didn't make me feel better, but I also understand where he is coming from. I am also confident that he isn't going to take any chances with us or Mason so maybe it's okay that I don't know every little detail.

We went over how these next 8ish weeks will go. As we were getting ready to leave, Dr. B said that this was even harder than he expected it to be for us. He had told me in the very beginning that it was his goal to hear me say at one point during this pregnancy that I was enjoying it, he seemed to understand that the chances of that happening are slim to none now. He also made the comment that I was going to cry like a baby when he puts Mason in my arms, now that is a pretty safe bet!

I had to go the bathroom after our appointment and as I walked into the bathroom, I caught a glance of my face in the mirror. It was all kinds of red and splotchy (cute I know). I have always worn my feelings on my face, I can't help it. I was wondering how long it had looked like that, but I am guessing from the moment I uttered "oh shit" would be pretty accurate.

When I came out Brian was in the hall talking with our doctor and the ultrasound tech. She was making sure that she would be the one to get to do our ultrasound. She was telling the doctor that she feels protective over us and that we are "hers" to which our doctor commented back that we were "his". Nice to be fought over in this environment, more people in our corner the better! I also realized that our 20 minute appointment took an hour and a half...how did that happen?

So anyways that's the update...not one I was hoping for, but it could be worse. I am always grateful when I leave with no "new" worries and I wish this could have been one of those times!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

30 Weeks

How Far Along: 30 weeks (our baby is as big as a Cucumber). 30 weeks was a mini "goal" I had in my head. Even though staying pregnant doesn't seem to be my particular problem, it just seemed like a huge accomplishment so I am thankful to be here!
Maternity Clothes: Still nothing new...my motivation is lacking on all levels.
Movement: Seems to be back on schedule. This is great, but also sets me up to freak out again when it changes.
Gender: A brother for Addison, Mason Alexander.
Symptoms: Runny nose, my hips pop when I get out of bed, light sciatica and heart burn are kicking in again, thicker hair (or at least less is falling out in the shower). More day time bathroom breaks. Pregnancy brain has been really kicking in...I keep forgetting my phone and other random things. I also find that the bigger I get the more things I drop. It's not like I can't bend down to pick stuff up, it's just that I seem to be doing it all the time! This also happened with Addison. I wonder if there is a correlation bigger=clumsier...for me there seems to be!
Cravings: Nothing really...Brian came home with double stuffed Oreos "for me"...I think his pregnancy cravings are kicking in too :) I have noticed that I eat at least one banana every day. It's not that I crave them so much, but I really like banana for breakfast or even mid day snack.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still "looks down towards the ground".
Best Moment this week: Nice weekend with friends. Having Monday off sure made the week feel lighter. Mason had the hiccups twice this week and one of the times was in the evening. Brian said he never felt them with Addison...which I swear isn't true, but it's what he remembers. Anyways he got to feel them this time and he thought that was pretty cool. He didn't believe that I knew what they were...umm hello I have done this a few times and there is nothing to mistake about soft, rhythmic thumping in one location.
Freak-out of the week: Dare I say there wasn't one this week...I guess that's a good thing other than the fact that I haven't gotten anything accomplished.
What I miss: My motivation...can't seem to find it anywhere!
What I am looking forward to: Another weekend with friends.
Next Appointment: Friday, February 24th.
Something Else: We had a lot of fun catching up with several friends this weekend. Saturday when Brian was working my mom, sister and I went to go see "The Vow" it was just okay. We had more fun making a girl's day out of it and having lunch after. I think going to the movie theater is generally a disappointing experience. It always sounds good in theory, but the cost and the annoying people that are in the theater with you are not so fun. The lady sitting next to me had on some gross, strong perfume, gag! The movie was predictable and the ending was lame...I would wait to rent it.

Monday (my extra day off) started out by taking 3 out of the 4 members of our herd (it feels like a herd) to the vet. It was just annual check-ups/shots, but it felt like quite the undertaking. Did I mention I did this all by myself?!? Brian had to work and I wanted to get it done. It's easier to do them all at once and it would have been 4 out of 4 if Bella were on the same schedule as the others...I may make Brian take her when her time comes up in April! Anyways the two dogs and cat did great. There is always a small amount of fear for them when we go there so they are usually on their very best behavior. Both the vet and the assistant commented on how good they all were...apparently the fact that no one was scratched, bit or peed on makes for a good day in their line of work. I was glad to be an "easy" appointment. Plus apparently Marley is famous in this office because the fact that she "smiles" on demand is pretty funny to them. They had fun getting her to smile...I have seen it for almost 4 years now and we still laugh every.single.time. If I can figure out how to post a video I will post one of her smiling, it's ridiculous and hilarious. A picture doesn't do it justice because then it just looks like she is showing her teeth, seeing her do it in person is a party pleaser!

Last night my grandpa (not the one who was recently in the hospital) celebrated his 86th birthday. He AND his twin sister. Pretty impressive. Yes, Phillip and Phyllis made it another year! Gotta love the matchy matchy names! He is STILL convinced that I am carrying twins. He said his mother didn't know she was having twins and so it is possible I just don't know. I have showed him the ultrasound picture, but he still thinks twins (he thoughts twins the whole time with Addi too). This time I promised him that IF in fact there are twins in there I will carry on the Phillip/Phyllis combo...that's how certain I am that there is only ONE baby in there haha. He can never remember the name Mason so he calls this baby George....to be fair it's his go-to name when he is uncertain! He's 86, he can call him whatever he wants!

The whole fam went over to have root beer floats with Grandpa Phil last night. We used the juke box (like we do for every birthday) and sang Happy Birthday and happily ate our traditional root beer floats. I couldn't even begin to count how many times we have done this exact same thing for each persons birthday. I really hope we get to do this with Mason too. After the float, Mason was especially active. My belly was moving like a tidal wave and everyone was staring at it (who needs t.v. when you have this kind of entertainment)?!? It was neat for everyone to get to see him moving. Addi never moved so big that you could see from the outside for such long periods of time. If she moved big, it generally wasn't followed by another big movement. Not Mason, he moves and moves and moves! My dad wanted pictures of all the men together. So we had both grandpas, my brother, dad and Brian. For one picture they had me just put my belly in...pretty funny. It's not on my camera so unfortunately I can't include it on here.

All in all it was a pretty good week. I'm still impressed it's been 2 weeks of no tears...no promises for this week though! Thirty weeks....THIRTY! WOW! I really can't believe it. This morning I told Brian how impressed I was that I made it 30 weeks without having to be put in a white room with padded walls...he agreed...thanks babe! I guess there is still time. Ha!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Blue Storks?

The other day Brian asked me if there would be blue storks (or something) in our yard when we came home from the hospital with Mason. It really threw me off as it was a random comment and the fact that he is thinking THAT far ahead.

I just looked at him like he was freaking crazy. My initial response was NO! I don't want that crap in my yard. I just want to bring home this baby period!

He looked so sad. He reminded me (like I need reminding) that when we came home WITHOUT Addison that there were no fun "It's a GIRL" signs, no celebrating and it was just sad and awful...yeah that part is clear as a bell! We did however have one sign...I had asked that my family put a sign on our door that said something along the lines of "no visitors". I didn't want people stopping by (either because they didn't know and wanted to see our new baby or people that did know and wanted to check on us). I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted visitors only on my own terms, I needed to be in control of something.

I don't have any pictures of "the sign" (because who wants to remember that?!?), so I can't show you. Trust me when I say it was huge. It was so big that it was screwed into the side of my house, not just quietly taped to the door. Both Brian and I were a little shocked when we saw how massive it was, but were glad to have it because let's face it NO ONE was going to miss it! It did the trick, we didn't get a single unannounced visitor.

THIS time when we do get to bring our baby home (please oh please) I wanted to do it quietly as to not point out all the excitement that we missed out on last time, but let's be honest, I already KNOW what we missed out on and celebrating Mason isn't going to change that. So for Brian's sake I am willing to re-evaluate this. If having crap on the car that says "It's a BOY" and signs in our yard will make him happy then by all means let's celebrate. We freaking deserve it. I still don't know about the blue storks, but I better google them to see if I can find them. Auntie Alisa, mom and dad take note, there better be signs :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

29 Weeks

How Far Along: 29 weeks (our baby is as big as a Butternut Squash).
Maternity Clothes: Still nothing new
Movement: His schedule has changed, which I am really sad about. I was really used to the schedule we had going. I have learned to concentrate on his movement at whatever time of day it comes.
Gender: A brother for Addison, Mason Alexander.
Symptoms: Runny nose, headaches, heart burn, my hips pop when I get out of bed, thicker hair (or at least less is falling out in the shower and sensitive eyes. More day time bathroom breaks.
Cravings: Nothing...well maybe fruit, but it could just be that I love fruit and it is more in season now.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still "looks down towards the ground".
Best Moment this week: I don't know if there was one "best" moment. I suppose the best part of this week was that I didn't cry once...that's like a record after the last few weeks. I'm still stressed, still worried, still grieving, but this week things didn't feel quite as heavy as they have been.
Freak-out of the week: I got pretty worried when Mason's movements changed and I didn't feel him when I normally do. Then there have been financial freak-outs, but as much as those suck I am able to work through them a little better knowing in the end it's just money.
What I miss: Not worrying so much...about everything.
What I am looking forward to: We are having breakfast with some friends we haven't seen in a while this weekend and dinner with the two couples from the childbirth class we took with Addison, it's always good to see them! Also I have Monday off work, which is one of the very best gifts to me!
Next Appointment: Friday, February 24th.
Something Else: Last Thursday night we had one of our support group meetings (one where I normally don't feel it would be appropriate to talk about pregnancy), but this week only one other couple was there and they are our friends so we were able to talk about ALL of our grief and what is going on. It was so nice not to have to hide being pregnant. I felt really good when we left.

We had our ultrasound on the 10th and hearing everything looked good and that Mason isn't 6 weeks ahead was so nice. Any time I hear he is healthy and alive makes me feel lighter.

Spent the weekend with friends and got some things done around the house although not as much as I was hoping. I felt like I had some energy back (not a lot, but more than what I have had).

Valentine's Day was good. Brian sent me flowers to my office on Monday (I like getting flowers the Monday before any "event" so I have them all week long to enjoy). We didn't do anything fancy. I got up early to make him breakfast before work and lunch to take (I hate getting up early and I NEVER make him lunch so it was all about doing the small things that I know he appreciates). He came home that night with take-out...so he "cooked". I didn't care as long as I didn't have to think about it or cook! No big night out for us, but I hate crowds and feeling rushed so it was a great night "in" for us. Valentine's Day is also my parent's anniversary (31 years) so I always think of it as their day. Although word to the wise ladies, my mom says never get married on a holiday because you only get one bouquet of flowers ;) ha ha My dad has always made Valentine's day special for my siblings and me too. We always woke up to treats outside our doors and now we get flowers and candy at work even as grown-ups, it's one of my favorite things because it's something JUST my dad does. A girl can always count on her dad, luckily I can count on Brian now too :) And last, but not least I will throw in an honorable mention to our first dog Annie. She turned 9 on Valentine's Day. God, I love that pain in the ass dog. We had a little talk though...she is either to start calming down (I mean come on, 9 is an old lady in dog years IT'S TIME) or she has to promise not to live older than 12. Now you are probably thinking I am the worst person on the planet for saying that, but you don't live with her and don't understand what a HUGE pain in the ass she truly is. She is welcome to come stay with you for a weekend if you need help understanding!

Last night Brian and I babysat for our friends so they could have their Valentine's dinner. It went really good. I mean I expected it to, but since we have never been with her without her parents before I wasn't sure how she would feel about that. The little girl we watched is about 2 weeks younger than Addi would have been and is very special to us because she would have been Addi's BFF, for reals. So it was nice to hang out with her, just wish it could have been with Addi too. Would have been amazing to watch two little blondies run around the house playing. I would say my only worry came when she went down for bed. She started coughing a little and then bigger and every time I was SURE she was choking so I checked on her 80 gazillion times. I am seriously going to be the biggest nut job when/if Mason ever comes home. Sometimes babies cough...I know this in my head, but wow I just couldn't stop worrying!

We found out yesterday that our stop-loss for insurance is going up 2-3x what we thought it was going to be (JUST in time for Mason to be born). We already knew Mason was  going to cost more (hospital wise) than Addi, but we didn't know about this increase. Awesome. Don't get me wrong, he will be worth every penny, but it would be nice if we could catch a break...somewhere...anywhere???  Also the biggest week at Brian's store just happens to be the week we will probably induce. Brian MUST be at work this week, but he also MUST be at the hospital with me and he/we more than deserve the measly week he will get off to stay home with us, but you can't be at two places at once. Obviously if it comes down to it, he picks us, but it just sucks because this is such an important week for him to be at work and we need him to be there. Why THIS week? Again still waiting for that break. Also took my car in this morning for an oil change and it looks like I am due for some big mile-maintenance...the price I was quoted is double any service I have had in the past...great way to start out the day. I'm not going to lie....I seriously contemplated sitting in the corner and pouting! It's always something isn't it?!? I suppose money worries are easier than dead baby worries, but man they hit hard too!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Baby registry and movement worries

This weekend we did a "take two" of registering for Mason since the first time didn't go so well. I think it well for the most part. Every time I have ever registered for anything with Brian I ALWAYS give him the gun. It seems to keep him interested and for the most part he will not stray too far because he knows I will be calling for him to come scan whatever thing I find.

There were pregnant chicks EVERYWHERE in this store and it felt like I was being suffocated by them...hard to believe I AM one of them, but I still feel no connection.

We kept to ourselves and tried to spend as little time at the desk as possible. The girl helping us get started asked if this was our first. I didn't hesitate, I said no calm, cool, and matter of fact. She didn't ask more questions and I was glad. When we were finished with her she asked AGAIN if this was our first, I was irritated, but just answered the same way I did before. I didn't offer extra information which helped her not to ask more questions. I didn't want to be rude, but I wanted to give across the vibe that we are not new at this, we know what we are doing, now give us the gun and leave us alone!

I'm not sure how long we stayed, but it was long enough and we were both pretty tired from it. I'm glad to have it over with...well almost over with. With every registry wedding, Addison and I'm sure Mason, Brian always gets "scan happy" with the gun. I ALWAYS have to go back online and delete the really weird stuff he adds when he thinks I am not looking. I also saw him scan a couple outfits he liked multiple times in multiple sizes...we really don't need one outfit in EVERY size. It was actually kind of funny how into the clothes Brian was getting. I even made a comment about it because he never said anything about clothes with Addison. He said that he knew I had girl clothes covered and since I am not excited about boy clothes, he is getting us both on board!

It's true...I really don't give a crap about boy clothes. Of course I want my boy to be dressed nice, but when they have the boy clothes right next to the girl clothes I get lost in the ruffles and fluff. I did see Brian looking sadly at a pink outfit that said "I <3 Daddy" broke my heart. Anyways any of the clothes we registered for were picked out by Brian and some of them WILL be deleted...I can only write that because Brian doesn't read my blog anymore and I won't get caught...so don't tell him!

That night we got home and made dinner. After dinner we fell in to our routine of relaxing on the couch. This is always when Mason gets super active, but he didn't. I was started to worry and finally Brian noticed how distracted I was. He asked what was wrong and I said I wasn't feeling the normal movements I feel at this time of night. I could tell he was worried too, but tried to act like he wasn't. He poked at my belly and brought out his phone to play music. We got a couple really good strong kicks, which made Brian relax, but I was still worried. These were moves that we "forced" they weren't the normal ones that happen on his own.

That night I felt some moves just before falling asleep, but they still weren't the ones I am used to. We had a busy day that day and I was trying to rationalize in my head all the reasons his pattern was different. I didn't sleep very well and when I woke up I wasn't feeling my morning moves either! I poked, I prodded, I convinced myself we SHOULD have gone to the hospital last night. I got out of bed and grabbed the doppler. I have probably only used it a dozen times, but each time has saved us from an ER visit! I found his heartbeat right away, nice and strong. Then he started kicking at the doppler...little booger...NOW he starts kicking!

In my head I KNOW movements change, in my head I KNOW this is normal, but in my heart I am constantly convinced this baby WILL die too. We still have approximately 9.5 weeks left of this pregnancy and I really don't want to be the girl that comes into labor and delivery at every change, but at the same time if it keeps Mason alive I am more than happy to go in every day until then! I think this is going to be a LONG 9.5 weeks! Trying to keep my crazy to a minimum, but it may not be possible the closer we get! Thankfully I have had good movement since getting to work. I just hope the routine comes back!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Ultrasound update

Our ultrasound on Friday went well. We did not get to go over the results with our doctor, which always leaves room for worry, but what we did hear seemed be good news.

*The ultrasound measurements showed Mason only measuring ONE week ahead (so much better than 6).
*He weighs approximately 2 pounds 15 ounces
*He is more or less in the frank breech position. (Addison was ALWAYS head down) hoping he changes to head down on his own!
*The fluid level was "high" normal, which I was reminded is STILL normal so that was a relief.

There are several reasons that the measuring tape method could have been off by so much, but it was nice to hear that Mason wasn't the mammoth baby we were thinking he was.

Our ultrasound tech. is very aware of our story and spends extra time explaining what she is doing because she knows it helps. I was asking her a million questions and I could tell Brian felt bad for her. As soon as I asked about cord positioning I felt Brian tap me on the leg (like don't ask that kind of tap) he knows that no matter where the cord is they can't do anything and so we just shouldn't ask, but I need to know. She wouldn't talk to me about it, which of course makes me worry more than if we could just have a look. She did tell me that Mason wouldn't be moving so much if he had a cord wrap and boy was he moving.  Addison was always really easy at ultrasound appointments, but Mason was punching and kicking like crazy. He kept kicking at the wand.


We also got a VERY clear shot of his "boy" parts. I didn't really see them at our last ultrasound and just took her word that she saw he was a boy, this time there is no mistaking. It's not like I thought there was a chance she was wrong, but it was just a very clear IT'S A BOY.

My sister came with us and was excited to see Mason moving so much and really just SEE him. I think the ultrasound made Mason a little more real to her as well. As much as the tech. seems to understand she did make the comment to my sister about how watching Brian and I go through what we have must been hard. I could practically feel the hairs on her neck bristle when she answered back that we ALL lost Addison. It really pisses her off that people don't understand that our whole family misses and grieves Addison, not just Brian and I. Her fear for this pregnancy is practically as high as mine is and someday when she has her own baby she will be terrified and she won't get the "special" treatment...I hate that our experience taints every future pregnancy, but it is what it is.

Hopefully I will hear back from our doctor soon just to verify that ultrasound went as good as it seemed. I will also have a talk with him about cord positioning and see what he can tell me and what we can arrange for future ultrasounds.

As always just hearing our baby looked healthy and ALIVE was music to our ears. I definitely felt lighter the rest of the day...if only we could have ultrasounds all day every day!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

28 Weeks

How Far Along: 28 weeks (HELLO THIRD TRIMESTER...umm how did we get here already)!!!!! (our baby is as big as a head of Chinese Cabbage).
Maternity Clothes: I keep planning to buy more and then I just don't...so much effort seems to be involved!
Movement: Tuesday night Brian and I were sitting on the couch (well really he sits, I lean, lay, snuggle next to him/on him. Whichever position seems most comfortable. Anyways this particular night I was lying on my back with my head in Brian's lap and I grabbed Brian's hand to put on my belly since Mason was being active. Brian has been wanting to play music for Mason like we did with Addison and I have not really wanted to. He picked different music for Mason, which was easier for me. As he put his phone to my belly Mason really started to move. Brian was able to video with my phone as his phone played the music. While we saw Addison's movements from the outside, we never saw them as big as the movements Mason was making Tuesday night. We both just stared in awe as our little boy moved all over my belly. It was some instrumental guitar music (normally I can't stand this sort of thing, but since it wasn't Addison's music it seemed okay). We tried it again last night and didn't get as big of a response. Hopefully that won't be the last "jam" session. Brian REALLY wanted to post it on his facebook, but since it's MY belly on camera, I get the final say and that was not happening! Just because I don't have any stretch marks doesn't mean you get to see!
Sleep: One bathroom break per night. My hips and back have been hurting more, which makes it hard to get comfortable. Yesterday morning I woke up two hours before I needed to, but couldn't fall back asleep, but last night I fell asleep at 8:30...on the dog (yes on her) and I was snoring...or so Brian tells me! How's that for a pretty picture...thank God Brian loves me ;)
Gender: A brother for Addison, Mason Alexander.
Symptoms: Runny nose, headaches, leg cramps, heart burn, my hips pop when I get out of bed, sensitive eyes and SCIATICA. Oh my, this is new to me. I thought something has been wrong in my butt, back, legs, but then I got the "friendly email" from baby center about sciatica and ding ding ding, that's what this is! Mason must be on my sciatic nerve, so our little darling is LITERALLY a pain in my backside ha! I knew he was positioned differently then Addison, but now I would much prefer the more frequent bathroom breaks opposed to this. I had a chiropractor appointment last night and I am feeling better this morning, I love it when I get a good snap, crackle, pop! And sneezes are still just as dangerous!
Cravings: Nothing this week.
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still "looks down towards the ground".
Best Moment this week: Watching Mason move all over in my belly was pretty cool.
Freak-out of the week: No big freak-outs. Sunday nights are still pretty hard, anticipating a new work week. Monday I was in a funk, made it home just in time to have a private cry on the couch. Brian "cooked" that night aka brought home food ;)
What I miss: Wish my answer was different, but I am still missing the joy.
What I am looking forward to: We have our ultrasound on Friday and I always look forward to seeing Mason and hearing (please oh please) that everything is okay.
Next Appointment: Friday, February 10th. Ultrasound appointment to check size.
Something Else: So I had my gestational diabetes test last Friday and I assumed that because I was positive for it with Addison that I would have it again this time. I have been planning on the changes that need to made and also preparing to prick my palm 3x a day to check my blood sugars. It wasn't fun, but it was something I learned to deal with and figured it was only a matter of time before I was doing it again. Especially after hearing Mason was measuring 6 weeks bigger, to me I didn't even think the glucose test was necessary...seemed for sure to me. I was waiting for "the call" to say I needed to come in for the 3 hour test. My phone finally rang Tuesday with my doctor's office on the caller ID. I answered my phone and said something along the lines of you must be calling to tell me to come back for the 3 hour test. The nurse seemed confused. Apparently she was calling because my thyroid levels were off and they wanted to increase my thyroid meds. She looked up my glucose test and said that they like to see people under 130, I came in at 85....are you kidding me?!?! Do you have me confused with someone else???? Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED not to have gestational diabetes, but then WHY is Mason SO big? I guess I will just have to wait for Friday's ultrasound.

I turned to Dr. Google (because I can't help myself) and for the most part there are several reasons he could be big that are totally fine. The ONE bad reason I found (other than gestational diabetes) is that it is possible he isn't swallowing enough amniotic fluid. After that I decided to quit looking because I know I don't need extra reasons to panic. So please keep your fingers crossed he is just big and there is nothing wrong. I am fine with being "that girl" who is on the news for having a 14lb baby as long as he comes out healthy and ALIVE!  Also I think the whole world thinks I might just be off a month in my calculations, I suppose anything is possible, but trust me I was a Nazi about this ttc process. Everything is charted, documented and saved for future reference. Very very doubtful.

Tuesday night we had dinner with some friends and my favorite rent-a-kids. A will be 14 next month and O is 8. They each sat next to me and couldn't get enough "belly" time. They were fighting over who got to touch Mason last and who got more time yada yada. They were really hoping to feel a kick. Unfortunately Mason didn't "perform" until after we left, but it was sweet to see them SO interested. At one point they each had their head on one side of my belly...I am kicking myself for not getting a picture of this Mason lovin'!

Also on this same day one of my co-workers (I only have two) asked if we knew the gender of the baby yet....um yeah I have known for weeks....thanks for asking! Just goes to show you that I do not talk about my personal stuff hardly ever at the office.

I'm still feeling pretty low. Just really sad. I have been having good moments, but I just can't seem to make it to the other side of this funk...still working on it though.

Brian works in the flooring industry and really wants new carpet in the nursery and soon-to-be transformed play room. I am thinking just one room, but we will see. He found some really cute Winnie the Pooh carpet (not with big characters on it, just subtle impressions in it) he LOVES it, but since I am the practical one, I can only think of re-sale value. I know, I know I always ruin all his fun. Will keep you posted on this one.

I really can't believe we are in the third trimester...I woke up this morning feeling like I really need to get things in gear. 28 weeks TODAY and if we induce at 38 that is a measly 10 weeks left...10 weeks. I know in some way these 10 weeks will be the longest of my life and in others I know it won't be long enough to prepare mentally for what is about to happen. I feel like I have 30 weeks of missed excitement to make up for and I am still not there yet. Hoping this weekend I will be able to get a lot accomplished around the house...as long as my back cooperates!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Baby Shower stress

So I have this wonderful friend who wants to throw me a baby shower, the same wonderful friend who threw my first one for Addison (I actually had two, but she threw the first one). And I want her to, but I don't. I am so conflicted over the dang thing!
The main reasons I DON'T want to have one:
-Um hello this one is obvious...general worry/upset over this baby not coming home either and plus it doesn't seem like something I will feel as happy for as I did last time and I just don't really know how I will react to all of it.
-It's a lot of attention directed towards me and Mason and there is no escaping that. I barley do okay talking about this pregnancy one on one, but in a group seems really scary.
-I'll probably cry (you aren't supposed to cry sad tears at a freakin' baby shower).
-Most people don't think you should have a second shower, so how do I even know who to invite? I don't want to offend someone by not inviting them, but I also don't want to leave someone out (although non Addison supporters WILL be left out, I stand by the "love both of my children or non of them" statement.

Reasons I DO want to have one:
-I want to do any and everything that could help me get excited and help make this feel real.
-Specific friends and family have requested we do this, they need this too.
-I cherish every item we were given for Addison so even if Mason didn't come home, these things would still be so precious to me.
-Mason deserves his own stuff (he can't live in pink after all), his own party just for him and the memories/pictures I can someday (please oh please) share with him.

Well those are the main issues. In the end I just think it feels right to have one so I am doing it. The problem is that we have picked a date and it's next month! This means I need to get a list to my friend of the people I want her to invite. I also need to finish registering (which was kind of a disaster at our first attempt) and it means that he is coming sooner rather than later and I have to acknowledge that. The problem it that I am just not ready (ready for him to be here, just not ready to deal with everything). I will have to force myself and get ready, which could be good and could be bad, but either way it is happening...all of it, the baby shower, the baby etc.!

It would make things a lot easier if there were just some sign up sheet that people could sign if they wanted to come. This list is seriously stressing me out!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

14 Months (another 4th and 5th on the weekend)

It's the 5th again?!?! I still believe things feel different...less harsh than they did before we hit the one year mark, but last month when I saw February's 4th and 5th landed on another Saturday and Sunday, I was dreading what that would mean. Something about reliving the days ON the same week days it happened is something out of my control and just plain sucky.

I was finally feeling some relief by Friday, even had the energy to cook dinner, do dishes, laundry, just general house stuff I normally put off. Saturday I woke up feeling good, which was surprising and welcome. Took Annie to the self-wash to get a bath and ran some errands. By noon I was feeling tired and drained and sad DANG! I had more to do, but came home and fell asleep on the couch. I guess I needed it, but I am a terrible napper. It takes me forever to actually wake all the way up from a nap and usually leaves me feeling grumpy (not really the point of a nap so I rarely take them).

We had plans to go out with friends last night, but Brian was ready to call and cancel when he came home and saw me. I decided I still wanted to try, so we did. I am glad we did. It was nice to see everyone and it brought me out of the funk I was in. This group happens to be great "Addison" supporters so being around people I knew "get it" was also helpful. We didn't really talk much about her, but if I had wanted to I knew I could.

The other fun part is that one of the couples is also pregnant and just found out they are expecting a boy. I was sure they were having a girl, but now that we are both having boys, it makes things easier for me (like it's all about me...right lol). Anyways something about them sharing their news (via text first, not in person :)) made me more excited for OUR boy. We live close and are old family friends so these boys will be playing together (please oh please).

We got home late, which is hard on me, but was more good than bad for me! Now it's Sunday the 5th...again. It's also Superbowl Sunday. Brian's boss always has a big party. I couldn't go last year...not without Addi and I won't be going this year...not until I have a baby in my arms. Especially today being the 5th and looking SO pregnant, I can't deal with strangers excitement and what today is and I will not put myself in that position.

I hate making Brian go alone, but it is what is it and since he doesn't have the added stress of carrying this baby it is slightly easier for him. I know there will be other babies there and that will suck for him, but hopefully the beer and the game can be enough of a distraction. Beer...I hardly remember what that is like...I have spent so much of the last 3 years trying to get pregnant or actually being pregnant I feel like I have forgotten what it's like...hmmm I wonder if I will even like it when I can have it again lol.

Anyways I think I will spend the day doing things around the house. I still have a lot of work to do in the nursery and the guest room (as we are turning it into a play room). Maybe I will drop a load off at the goodwill while I am at it...how do we accrue so much crap?!?! Hopefully my crap can be some one's treasure! Nothing of Addi's though, all that stuff stays. I think I will also go wonder the craft store to see if there is anything I can take to Addi's spot...sucks that in order to buy my daughter something it has to be plastic or outdoor appropriate, but I hold tight to the little things I "can" do for her.

Dear Addi,
Another month, another Saturday and Sunday without you. It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining and I would have loved to have been able to bundle you up and go for a walk. After that we would have had a cute football outfit to take you to the Superbowl party in and show you off. I am sure you would be walking and saying words, phrases and just being adorable. I wish I was filling your diaper bag with a change of clothes, snacks and toys...anything you would need for a day away from home, but instead I will be staying home from the party. I know your dad will go and have fun, but I know there will be the moments when he catches glimpses of his friends with their kids and his heart will break all over again. It's what we do, this is our life without you.

While this day doesn't bring me to my knees as it once did, the ache I feel for you is still the very same. A life with a 14 month old girl sounds like the very best thing in all the world and something I would give anything for...anything.

I wonder what your vocabulary would be like, what your voice would sound like, how long your blond hair would be....would it still be blond? Would it be curly? You had little curls at birth and I will always wonder if it would have grown straight or stayed curly. Would your eyes still be blue? Would you be a daddy's girl or mine? Which dog would you have bonded with? What, when, where, how....millions of questions are left unanswered. You remain absolutely perfect in my memory. Life feels so empty without you. I love you sweet girl.
Love,
Mommy

Friday, February 3, 2012

27 Weeks 1 Day

How Far Along: 27 weeks 1 Day (our baby is as big as a head of Cauliflower).
Maternity Clothes: I should really go buy some more, I'm getting tired of what I have!
Movement: Still a good little mover!
Sleep: I keep saying sleep is interrupted by 1-2 bathroom breaks each night, but I couldn't tell you the last time it was more than one...guess I am afraid I will jinx myself. I swear I was getting up at least 3x this point with Addison, but Mason must be positioned just enough different that it isn't getting me up, whatever the reason I am appreciative of this one and only disturbance of sleep.
Gender: A brother for Addison, Mason Alexander.
Symptoms: Runny nose, headaches, leg cramps, heart burn, my hips pop when I get out of bed and lately when I sit after a little bit it feels like I don't have enough"cushion" back there...clearly that it not the issue, but it's still a weird feeling. Oh and just this week my eyes are feeling really strained and sensitive to bright light.
Cravings: I have been wanting strawberries, but they haven't been looking very good. This week they finally looked edible and they were! They were yummy!
Belly Button In or Out: Still in, still "looks down towards the ground".
Best Moment this week: Probably going to the PALS (pregnancy after loss support) meeting.
Freak-out of the week: I wouldn't say there was a specific instance, but there was more crying this week...again.
What I miss: I miss the joy that used to come with talking to strangers about my pregnancy. I was always happy to talk to anyone and everyone with Addison and now I cringe when someone brings it up.
What I am looking forward to: Not sure, but I am SO glad it's the weekend! No big plans, but just not having to go to work is a great feeling.
Next Appointment: Friday, February 10th. We are having an ultrasound.
Something Else: The PALS meeting was really nice to go to. We hated driving over an hour away on a work night, but sitting in a room of pregnant women who for the most part understand was a relief to me.
*My Grandpa (Bopa) was able to come HOME from the hospital! After almost a week, an internal bleed, 17 pints of new blood, ICU and lots of worry he seems to be doing great. I know he can't live forever, but if we could keep him long enough to meet Mason, that would be amazing.
*The funeral in the baby area was for a little girl. I could tell from the pink flowers and little doll. Breaks my heart. The spot they chose was NOT the one next to Addison so I still have that little bit of "deranged insurance" knowing that spot is open just in case, but please oh please don't let us need it.
*We finally got to our OB appointment (2 weeks behind schedule thanks to the snow). It was so nice to see my doctor. He always makes me feel at ease. He gave me some good options for how to proceed with the next little bit. We also talked about inducing early and he didn't flinch when I asked for 38 weeks. Of course this is all dependent on my cervix (and Mason of course), but it was nice that we seemed to be on the same page. Mason's heart was beating at a wonderful 130bpm and my blood pressure was right where it needed to be. The only thing off at today's appointment was that I am measuring at 33 weeks...that's SIX weeks bigger than I should be! Yikes! He ordered an ultrasound, but didn't seem too worried. I also had my gestational diabetes test today. Since Mason is so big, I am thinking there is a pretty good chance I will be positive for GD just like I was with Addi, ugh. I guess the nickname "Mac" is pretty fitting...like a MAC truck! Addison was 8 pounds so I don't expect Mason to be tiny, but I also don't want to be on the news for having a 14 pound baby or some crazy thing...although for alive and healthy I would take 14 pounds! haha
*I'm not sure if it's the meeting we went to, the sunny weather, our doctor's appointment, just time in general, but I think I might be feeling a little lighter. Like maybe this dark cloud is lifting a bit. I still don't feel the things I should be feeling, but my shoulders don't feel quite so heavy today, hopefully this new trend stays with me!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ramblings

Here are a couple things that have come up, I couldn't think of a good way to segue so here are my ramblings.

Last week I had someone ask me when I was due. I told her and she preceded to ask me all sorts of questions regarding this baby. She knows about Addison, but clearly doesn't get it. Her conversation had the tone behind it of "yeah something bad happened before, but it was a fluke and everything will be just fine now". She asked the question I hate the most "are you excited". I can't bring myself to lie and say yes, but when you don't say yes, you get this look of shock followed by so many questions. My answer is usually something like "I know I am supposed to be excited, but I am just too scared". She then followed up by asking me if I got pregnant again too soon. Wow lady, you have some balls to ask me that question like it is any of your damn business. That answer was easy for me. NO! We waited 9 months after Addison to conceive this baby and whether it had been 9 months or 9 years I never ever would have been ready for this. It is the second hardest thing I have ever done (next to losing Addison) and I expected it to be. Going into the ttc process knowing you could be setting yourself up to lose another child is NEVER something you could be ready for, but the chance for a living baby outweighs the very scary risk.

Our conversation really never got better. She asked if we were having a boy or a girl and when I said boy she went on to tell me how much she loves her son...and her daughter who is her first. Yeah lady I get it, you got to keep BOTH your daughter and your son. Thanks for that. She is the kind of person who talks 100 miles a minute and it's hard to get a word in. In her conversation she threw in the dreaded "everything happens for a reason" bullshit. I was ready to give her my answer for that, but she never shut up. By the time she had finished her thought, that comments was long passed. I felt like it would be awkward to go back to it so I let it go...big mistake! It ruined the rest of my day and I was seriously angry for the next 2 hours. God, I HATE that comment! If I had a dollar for everyone that has ever said "everything happens for a reason" I wouldn't have any dollars, but there would be a ton of people choking on their dollars that I shoved down their throat! Okay, I am done with that tangent. The lesson I learned from that is no matter how lost those comments get in a conversation I will ALWAYS go back and correct them because it isn't worth feeling the way I do without saying anything.

Next topic. Yesterday I went to the bank. As the teller is helping me with my transaction I am almost finished and thinking that if she was going to ask about my belly she would have done so in the beginning so I am almost home free. Just as I am leaving she asks me when my baby is due. SO CLOSE! I always fumble with my words as I am not really comfortable talking about Mason to strangers. I managed to get out May 3rd. That wasn't the end. She asked more questions and it went something like this:
Teller: Do you know what you are having?
Me: A boy (short sweet and to the point right)
Teller: Oh a little boy! Is he your first?
Me: No
Teller: Is your first a girl?
Me: Yes
Teller: Do you have a name for your son?
Me: Mason
Teller: and what's your daughter's name?
Me: Addison
Teller: one girl and one boy, you just have the perfect little family don't you?!?!
Me: Mmmm hmmm (give her a half smile and turn around and leave as quickly as possible).

All I kept thinking was jeez lady if you only knew along with keep walking and don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

I was glad that she asked about BOTH of my children. It was nice to say Addison's name along with Mason's. I suppose on paper I do have the "perfect family" one girl and one boy, that's like the American dream or some crap, but when you look closer and read the fine print, it's not so "perfect".

Next topic. This morning as I was driving to work, I passed the cemetery (as I do every morning). As I glance over I can see them setting up for a funeral. I am thinking please oh please don't be in the baby area. As I get closer I can see it IS in the baby area at this point I am swearing in my car. I am just so mad that another family is going through this. My heart broke in a million pieces for them because I know how very long this road is that they are on. My next thought was hoping they aren't taking the spot next to Addison...because what if WE need it. It's a terrible thought to have and yet I am so worried the spot next to her will be gone just in case. Knowing that it was empty felt like some sort of deranged insurance. I was fighting tears the whole way into work. Just so sad for that family and worried and that damn spot. Work can't get over fast enough. I will be headed there straight from work! We also have our first Pregnancy after loss meeting tonight and I am really hoping it will be helpful because I am feeling pretty helpless! Okay I think I got most the important things off my chest, hopefully today will go a little smoother.