Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Great Escape

I wrote before how we had panned to "run away" for Addison's second birthday. Not to run away from her, but in hopes that we would escape our daily lives and the routine that comes along with that. The routine that crumbled me last year. You see it's the routine that we live that made it so easy to re-live every.single.moment of that day that ended our happy little life. I didn't want Brian going to work like normal and for me to watch the clock watching each hour go by and remembering what I was doing in those moments two years ago. So we planned our great escape to California and I panicked about that too because that's what I do. No plan would have been right for me, but since I am a worrier I wasted no time worrying about this trip.

I worried about the flight, I worried about Mason on the flight, I worried about visiting Brian's family, I worried about packing, but mostly I worried about how I would deal with my emotions without the privacy of my own home.

Things for the most part went very well and our distraction trip was pretty successful. Visiting Brian's family was nice. His brother, sister-in-law and nephews were great to us and loved them some Mason. Then we went to my friend's house who are actually more like family and had a wonderful time with them. The sun wasn't what it normally is in CA, but the weather change definitely tricked my body into thinking it wasn't December.

I think the trip was good for us and helped to not be home going through all the motions. There were parts I wish could have been different, but that is with everything.

Brian's family was wonderful to us, but they do not talk about Addison like at all. That was really hard for me. The nephews (12 and 13) wear their Addi bracelets, but it was clear to me that they don't get it. They were confused by Mason's "Little Brother" bib. Yes, boys he is STILL a little brother. it's not their fault, I know that in their house Addison isn't important. I hate it, but it is what it is. They were all over Mason, which I am thankful that he is loved so much, but it still hurts that it's not Addi and Mason.

Going to my friend's house was completely different. They love both our children equally and it's so apparent. Christmas presents for both of them and lots of talking and sharing. We don't have to talk about Addi the whole time, but it just never feels like there is an elephant in the room. That's what I needed.

The 4th was hard for me. Waking up that morning my first thought was that at that very moment 2 years ago my baby was dead and I didn't know it yet. That was not a great way to start out the day. I managed to enjoy the day with my friends, but I couldn't quite shake the feelings of that day two years before.

We flew home on the 5th. Not the greatest idea, but I wanted to be home with my family to do a little celebrating of my girl. I had been fighting a cold the whole trip, but was in denial about it until that day. It was clear I was sick from the moment I woke up.

We were lucky to get an extra seat on the way home so we had the whole isle to ourselves. Mason did pretty well, but barely slept at all. I was thankful both flights were under 3 hours.

Once we landed we drove to the TEARS Angel of Hope to see Addi's name since it is right next to the airport. Then we drove home to unpack. That was the end for me. I thought I was good to go, but after I took my temperature and saw 100.1 I knew there would be no party.

It was really hard for me to agree to rescheduling. I felt so bad and guilty that I couldn't even do a half ass something! She gets nothing and here I was too sick for the bare minimum. It's three days later and I still haven't decorated her headstone or celebrated her the way she deserves. As soon as M wakes up from his nap we will go to the cemetery and take care of the decorations and hopefully tomorrow we can celebrate with the family.

Brian did run to the store to get cupcakes so we could at least do SOMETHING for our girl. The only thing that made me feel just a little okay was knowing if she had lived her party would have been on the weekend that sorta makes it okay, but not really.

I feel like spending her birthday in bed feeling terrible was a little fitting because it really sucks not to have her and sometimes I can't believe I don't spend ALL my time in bed with the covers over my head.

Part of me is glad I didn't spend the entire week crying my brains out and the other part of me is disappointed I didn't get more crying out. I know the tears are there, I just fooled them for a little while...that may really come back and bite me later. Grief sucks. I just miss my girl and there isn't anything that will ever change that.

Thank you to everyone who called, sent a text message, emailed and Instagramed us for Addison's birthday. I especially treasure the pictures, cards in the mailbox and the thoughtful messages. Nothing helps me deal with Addi's birthday like you guys do. Lots of love to all of you!
Happy 2nd Birthday Addison and Andrew <3

Mason says Mmmmmm frosting! Happy Birthday sissy!
The TEARS Angel of Hope Monument

My girl


  1. Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Angel Addison <3

  2. I'm glad your trip was good. It is hard to be in a place where you can't just have private time to grieve whenever you need it. I'm sorry you have been sick about couldn't celebrate Addison the way you planned. But of course no celebration without the beautiful two-year-old herself would be good enough. It is obvious how you celebrate her every day through your amazing love.

  3. " first thought was that at that very moment 2 years ago my baby was dead and I didn't know it yet". Keleen, I can't tell you how many times that runs across my mind. How terrible is it that for decades and decades that absolutely will be the first thing we will think when we wake up that morning. No one should ever ever ever wake up to that.

    Can't believe you got sick, but at least you were able to hibernate in your room. Definitely don't worry about party on the day because with my kids they float 7 days one way or another and it is nice to know that Addison's celebration can do the same thing.

    Happy 2nd birthday to your beautiful daughter!

  4. Darcey & Keleen. That specific line that Darcey began her comment with is EXACTLY how I went through the last week. How frustrated and angry I felt knowing that two years ago, I was living my perfect life having no idea my firstborn would be dead just days/hours/minutes/seconds later. It makes me sick to my stomach.

    When you said that you felt slightly okay because her party would've been on the weekend? OMG. We're living this weekend trying to be normal after a very rough week and that hit me hard. Like, holy crap. We're going to get a tree (as we refuse to do before Andrew & Addi's birthday because it belongs to them) tomorrow and yet, I should be picking up a birthday cake for a party full of little ones in my house. Yet, that's not happening.

    I think it's wonderful that you visited the memorial. It always makes me so sad to see their names... I know we all live this reality, but to see even more names of people I don't know that are living similar lives as we are? Gasp.

    Glad you were able to celebrate Addi a little bit, but I know this year was hard with your grandfather passing and being sick. I lit a candle for her and of course cannot forget the worst day of our lives.

    I miss them, too. So much. I even think this year was harder than last. Is that possible? There was SO much celebrating by our entire family last year and this year was much more subdued. I took care of B all day and I guess it just made me sad to know all the things B is doing, Andrew will never do.

    Hurts my heart.

  5. Man this new reality of ours sucks. I so wish Adi was here, I wish you didn't have to miss her and dread this week rather than celebrate her birthday with her. Missing your Adi with you xx Di