Sunday, December 2, 2012

He's gone

This morning when Mason woke up Brian pulled him in bed with us so I could nurse him. The three of us were snuggled together when my phone rang. The second I looked at it and saw my dad on the caller ID I knew it wasn't good news. All I remember asking was "how's grandpa" and my dad answering with "he's gone". He passed late last night, but it was December 1st.  Fucking December.

Let me rewind. In October my Grandpa had a stroke. He was in the hospital and rehab facility for almost a month. He was not able to speak easily and had to be fed with a tube. Just before Thanksgiving he passed his swallow test enough to eat some of the same blended food Mason could eat. I blended food in my magic bullet for Mason and then did the same for Grandpa. Although even Mason could eat more than Grandpa could.

Grandpa sat at the head of the table my little round bald man and at the other end of the table was my other little round bald man. We joked about our two cuties on each end of the table. As much as I hate the holidays now I really tried to soak in every second of Mason's first Thanksgiving along with knowing this was my very last Thanksgiving with all four of my grandparents. I'm so thankful to have had one holiday for Mason with all his great-grandparents. And even more glad I was able to soak it in.

On Thursday before we left Grandpa hadn't gotten out of bed all day. I climbed into bed with him and he held my hand and face. I told him how much I loved him and that we were leaving on our trip, but we would be home on Addison's birthday to have root beer floats. When I told him we were leaving he started to cry and was wiping away tears. He was able to tell me that he loved me too. I brought Mason in to kiss him and then came back one last time because I just had that feeling that I needed to. I had a few things I wanted to say and I knew I needed to say them.

We were practically nose to nose when I told him what a great grandpa he was and how proud I was of the man he was for our family. I told him how much I appreciated all his hard work and how he kept our family together. I told him how lucky I felt to have his example for my dad and my husband and that I knew Mason would be a good man from the lessons he passed down. I reminded him that I would be back on Wednesday and again made him promise to wait for me. And then I told him if he just couldn't wait for me that it would be okay as long as he went to be with Addison. I told him she would be so lucky to have him and that he'd better go find her and wait with her until I get there. I kissed his sweet wrinkly face and his gentle hands. He softly wiped his tears away I think he knew this was the last time he would see me. I think I knew too, but was just hoping I was wrong.

It just really figures that this would happen THIS week and that I would be gone. My family is so close and we are always together. The fact that I will literally never see my grandpa again (as he will be cremated before I get home) is very sad to me.

It's so different to lose a grandparent because all those cliche things are true like "he's at peace now" "he had a good life" etc. none of those things are true when you lose a baby and are only "comforting" with the loss of someone who lived such a good/full life.

I will miss him always, but I AM comforted by my memories and most of all I am comforted by the fact that my little girl has such a wonderful Grandpa to meet. It makes me cry happy tears to think of her sitting on his lap and softly touching his face. He was one of the few to hold her on earth and how sweet it would be to see the two of them snuggled up the way I know they must be. Our family tradition is to have root beer floats for birthdays and Grandpa Conway is the original ice cream scooper of the family. To think that he will be serving Addi her very first root beer float on her second birthday seems only fitting. I love you Grandpa, I love you Addi. Until we meet again, I send you all my love xxxooo.

14 comments:

  1. So sorry for this newest loss at an already emotional time, but yes, how fitting that your baby girl has her grandpa with her now to celebrate her birthday, I'm glad you said such sweet things to him before he passed. Lots of love to you all.

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  2. your post made me imagine my Alanna is with my dad, made me cry but it was a good cry. thank you for sharing this. advance bday to ur addison.

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  3. What an amazing way to love and honor your grandpa by being able to express to him your beautiful thoughts about his life and importance and legacy. I am glad he will get to have root beer floats with Addison. I am so sorry he is not here. I wish you peace until you get to join them in a long long time.

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  4. I'm so glad you were able to say those important things to your grandpa before he passed. While its sad he is gone, that you were able to share that beautiful moment with him and share with him what he meant to you is so lovely. Wishing you whatever you need to get through these difficult days. Xx Di

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  5. Big fat tears here. I'm so glad you were able to say your good-byes. I also find a lot of comfort in thinking of my grandparents being with my baby girl. I'm wishing you peace and comfort this (awful) December.

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  6. Gosh, December is a real jerkface.

    :/

    I'm so sorry. But, I am also so thankful you have such good memories with him. He is with Addison and that's the second best place to be.

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  7. I'm just bawling my eyes out over this. Fucking December is right. I am so glad you told him all of those wonderful things while he was still alive. And I'm glad he will be with Addi on her birthday. Sorry for you though, friend.

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  8. This summer at the lake your sister was sitting down on the grass and i asked her if she was going up for ice cream. She said no at first. I said that Uncle Phil was scoopin, and she said "That changes everything". And it did change everything. Every year it changed everything. The lake changed in so many ways after Grandpa Bud died and his fifth wheel wasn't hanging over the water when i drove over the bridge. I'm sure going to miss your Grandpa and the tradition. He had a life more fulfilling and full of love than most people could ever fathom. Sending love to all of you today and everyday.

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  9. Crazy amt of tears...so so sorry for your loss, but thankful that Addison has someone that will tell her just how loved and missed she is on earth. I am so so sorry Keleen. I hate December right with you!!! Sending love and peace to you and your entire family.

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  10. So so sorry for yet another loss. You are very lucky, though, to have loved and been loved by such a wonderful man.

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  11. I'm so sorry, what a beautiful relationship you and your grandpa have. I know the holidays will be extra tough this year. Thinking of you and your family!!

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  12. So incredibly sorry for another loss (and in December...unfair). I know he and Addi are enjoying each other!

    He sounds like an amazing man, who loved you with his whole heart. What a beautiful post.

    Thinking of you!!

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