Saturday, December 1, 2012

December 1st

Here we are in December, again. We knew it was coming and now here we are. In preparation for the second birthday that won't be we decided to get out of town. We each took the week off and knew staying at home with this much time together would not be good for either of us. In a moment of weakness I agreed to run away to CA. As soon as I agreed Brian bought tickets so there was no turning back (he knows me too well). My anxiety about leaving home, taking Mason on a plane and just the anticipation of Addi's second birthday was really getting to me. The tears started on Wednesday a week ahead of schedule. I couldn't concentrate at work Wednesday or Thursday.

We left for CA on Friday and I have to say so far so good. The plane ride was mostly easy. I spent a significant amount of time holding Mason back where the flight attendants work, but that really worked out well. The only casualty of the flight was Brian's pants. He held Mason for the landing and wouldn't you know that Mason would choose that moment to blow out his diaper! It was actually kind of perfect because I couldn't stop laughing about Brian's poop filled lap and it lightened my mood by 100%. Everyone was so nice about helping us. The changing area in the plane was actually better than I thought and Mason loved the mirror!  Brian on the other hand did not find it as win some you lose some!

So far things have been good. It's been nice visiting Brian's brother and his family. It feels different to be in CA with warmer weather (even though its been rainy) the weather seems to be tricking my mind just a bit into thinking it's not really December.

I'm not sure what the coming days will feel like, but I've decided I will feel what I need when I need.

I really can't believe my little girl should be turning two in just a few days. I really can't believe that the two years ago she was alive in me. I really can't believe we are here 2 years later without her. I really can't believe it.

When I stop and really think about it I just get so angry that this is really my life. I hate that she is not here. I hate seeing little girls...I hate that I hate seeing little girls.

It's hard to believe we have been hurting for so long. It's even more hard to believe that we are only two years down with a life time to go. Okay that's all I have for now. I wish I could articulate better, but writing here does not come as easily as it once did. December you bitch. Here we go, ready or not.


  1. Ok that " December you bitch" totally made me laugh in the midst of tears. ;) but seriously, I can't believe it's been two ears either. Seeing the pic of those kids playing with Mason has really gotten to me. It's hard to think they would be that big now. Our sweet babies. Miss them so much. Hoping your distraction trip work well for you. Will be thinking of you this week

  2. I also laughed at "December you bitch" :) Two years just seems like it's impossible. How are we still here functioning? Only two years down with a lifetime to go- this is definitely a life sentence.

    I wish your sweet girl was here. I wish all our little babes (who would be crazy/wild/fun toddlers now...tears) were here with us. I hope the trip is good for you....will definitely be thinking of you guys ♥

  3. I couldn't have said it better. You were spot on, especially with those last few paragraphs. I just can't believe it either. Two years, all we've missed, the grief, our lives being THIS, and all we will miss. Only two down. Seems so monumental and yet, so insignificant.

    This weekend has been very emotional for us, too.

  4. 2 years with a lifetime to go... This really sucks. I so wish Addi were here. I so wish we didn't know this crappy-ness, I so wish December was happy for you rather than this life sentence of missing, and anger, and wanting it to always be different. Remembering your sweet Addison. Xx Di

  5. December is SUCH a bitch. Remembering Addi and feeling all of it right along with you. So sorry we're grief-sisters, so glad we're in this together.

  6. Sending you so much love. I wrote Addi's birthday on our dry erase calender yesterday and got choked up, and then Mason was in my dream last night. You four are so on my mind...


  7. Sending you love momma. I know that doesn't help, but I'm sending it still.

    I hate that you hate seeing little girls and I hope that my IG pictures of Grace don't hurt your heart. I still find it hard to see 2 year old-ish boys, or listen to people complain their second child is also a boy (because they already have one living)... It seems we'll always long for the one who never quite made it and I hate that.

    Hope the weather is better and this time is gentle to you... The anticipation is worse, remember that. xox momma

  8. Been thinking about you and Addison a lot lately and I think it is a great idea that you guys decided to get out of town. I am also dreading the next couple of weeks and trying desperately to keep my mind busy.

    2 years...ugh! I see a little boy who was born in September 2010 3 times a week at Taylor's soccer practice/games and I find myself staring at him and taking in all he does...wishing desperately it was my toddler running around. I wish your little girl was here doing that exact same thing.

    So much love to you and your husband. Hoping the next couple of days are bearable as you celebrate her birthday. Thinking of you and Addi!!

  9. Remembering Addison, happy birthday little girl. xoxo