Here we are in December, again. We knew it was coming and now here we are. In preparation for the second birthday that won't be we decided to get out of town. We each took the week off and knew staying at home with this much time together would not be good for either of us. In a moment of weakness I agreed to run away to CA. As soon as I agreed Brian bought tickets so there was no turning back (he knows me too well). My anxiety about leaving home, taking Mason on a plane and just the anticipation of Addi's second birthday was really getting to me. The tears started on Wednesday a week ahead of schedule. I couldn't concentrate at work Wednesday or Thursday.
We left for CA on Friday and I have to say so far so good. The plane ride was mostly easy. I spent a significant amount of time holding Mason back where the flight attendants work, but that really worked out well. The only casualty of the flight was Brian's pants. He held Mason for the landing and wouldn't you know that Mason would choose that moment to blow out his diaper! It was actually kind of perfect because I couldn't stop laughing about Brian's poop filled lap and it lightened my mood by 100%. Everyone was so nice about helping us. The changing area in the plane was actually better than I thought and Mason loved the mirror! Brian on the other hand did not find it as amusing...you win some you lose some!
So far things have been good. It's been nice visiting Brian's brother and his family. It feels different to be in CA with warmer weather (even though its been rainy) the weather seems to be tricking my mind just a bit into thinking it's not really December.
I'm not sure what the coming days will feel like, but I've decided I will feel what I need when I need.
I really can't believe my little girl should be turning two in just a few days. I really can't believe that the two years ago she was alive in me. I really can't believe we are here 2 years later without her. I really can't believe it.
When I stop and really think about it I just get so angry that this is really my life. I hate that she is not here. I hate seeing little girls...I hate that I hate seeing little girls.
It's hard to believe we have been hurting for so long. It's even more hard to believe that we are only two years down with a life time to go. Okay that's all I have for now. I wish I could articulate better, but writing here does not come as easily as it once did. December you bitch. Here we go, ready or not.