Friday, October 5, 2012

Twenty-Two Months


 
Somehow another month has passed, another month away from her, another month without being able to blog...another month.

So much has happened this month. So much I want to share, but I'm still waiting for things to be a little more secure before sharing everything. That makes it sound as if I am pregnant AGAIN so I will squash that one down right now! No baby on board! It's almost a little odd to NOT be pregnant...after spending so much time knocked up, I hardly know what to do with vacant uterus lol.

It's fall again and boy does it feel like it. The weather is undoubtedly colder. There is a crispness in the air, color on the leaves and warm snugly sweaters are making their way out of boxes. Another one of my friends posted how the changing of the seasons is just another thing that won't let her forget that THAT day is coming. It's looming closer and closer. It's fitting really for the weather to turn cold and gray when I think of the sadness upon us, the sadness that took over our lives almost 2 years ago. And then at the same time when I am overwhelmed by the sadness I am also overcome with how perfect our lives felt 2 years ago.

We were expecting our first baby 2 years ago and everything seemed right with the world. I would give anything to feel those same blissful feelings again. I doubt I will ever feel those feelings again, but man were they incredible.

It was important for me to get the right fall decor for Addi's spot. I had to make to separate trips because the first trip didn't look "girly" enough with all that orange and pink and orange don't really work for me.  The butterflies, flowers and sparkly ribbon made me feel as if it finally looked good enough for her. I really love being able to decorate this place. I'm sure not many people see it, but it makes me feel going knowing if someone were to walk by they would see that someone cares enough to do this and this must be a very special baby...or at least that's what I tell myself.

Each month I still get a few text messages or FB posts of friends letting me know they are thinking about Addi on the 5th, but today I seemed to get more than usual. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends who hold my baby girl so close to their hearts. I was really quite surprised with all the messages today and so very humbled. Thank you my friends, I love you so SO much.

I have been wanting to sit and look through all the pictures we have of Addison for at least a week or two, but I kept putting it off so if I was going to have an emotional breakdown it would happen on the weekend. There doesn't seem to be time for a breakdown during the week. I was finally able to do that today. I just set the slide show and marveled at how we had this perfect little person in our lives. A visual reminder of how real she really was/is. I'm still blown away that this is really my life. I still can't wrap my head around it. I want THAT life so bad, I want HER so bad.

I think I am almost ready to get back to blogging...really spilling my guts like I did before. I have so much I want to say, but haven't felt like I could share "the whole truth and nothing, but the truth" so I have just stayed quite and it's not good for me. This rainbow baby business is not all it's cracked up to be, yes I am damn lucky, but I'm finding more and more that it's still okay to let myself feel the not-so-nice feelings. I'm not the mom who had her rainbow baby and then magically was all better. Not even a little, not even at all. I still need a little time on this, but there will be more.

Dear Addi,

Hello my baby girl. It's almost your birthday and I can feel it coming in every fiber of my being. It's not something I'm trying to hide from. I will face it head on, but it just hurts in ways that cannot be described. I want to get away this year. Not run away, just get away. I want to celebrate your birthday in someplace that you would love...maybe the ocean...maybe the mountains. I'm not sure yet, but I think it would be a great family tradition to celebrate your day with a little vacation every year. Something to look forward to and something that we do in honor of you. I won't lie though, it will be nice not to be home going through the motions while trying to muddle through. Last year it was way too hard being home on that Saturday...re-living those moments. Having your dad go to work as usual and leaving me home was just too much. Instead of the 4/5 being hard is was the day of the week that really hit me. This year I don't know what to expect, but I'm trying to expect the unexpected.

I'm trying not to be, but I am still so very angry that you are not here. Angry at myself and angry at the situation. It's so unfair and I hate it. My glass seems to be half empty most days and I know that's not a good thing.

You mean so much to me. More than anyone. Living without you is proving to be tougher than most can imagine. Goodnight sweetheart, mama loves you.

Love,
mom
My favorite fall of all...oh Addi I miss us.



5 comments:

  1. This was beautiful. I feel much the same- still terrible. Happier and thrilled Grace is here, but not at all fixed/healed/etc.

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  2. Beautiful picture. Back when life was simple and happy and pure.... Sigh.

    In some ways two years is/was/has been harder for me than one year post loss was. Maybe because I was so focused on a new pregnancy and clinging to hope and fear and once we got to bring that baby home there was just this room for some heavy and intense grief to trickle in.

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  3. Beautiful post and her special spot is amazing. Hope all is well with you and your family.

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  4. That little baby doll in the background... makes me so freaking sad.

    Not that I'm not (already) sad Addi is not here, but because that one little baby doll says it all. All those missed opportunities and chances to play. To be a child and to be loved on by her parents. It's freaking terrible.

    The spot looks beautiful. I still get texts on the 5th, too. Mostly from two people: a friend and my mom. I don't need them, but I sure do appreciate that our first baby is loved beyond measure. Makes my heart warm.

    I should probably email this, but I'll write because I'm already writing. I have to say... I had a scary moment yesterday. As you know, Andrew was born 12/5 at 9:04 p.m. Last night (5th), I picked B up to put him in his crib at exactly 9:04. I went back to my room after and was stunned at that, so much that I had to go back into his room and listen to his breathing, even though the AngelCare was on and working.

    Forever so sad. Loving you guys and sweet Addi.

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  5. It's nice to hear from you on here again. You've been on my mind a lot. Yes, fall does seem to usher in all those sad emotions. Not that they're not with us all the time, but just that it's almost like nature feels them too.

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