The big day is creeping up once again. It doesn't feel quite as scary as it did last year, which really makes me worry. Last year I was so worried about the actual day that it didn't seem as bad and this year I feel calm about it, which probably means the actual day will be a million times harder...we will see. Two. Wow. I really miss my little toddler. Really really miss her.
At least once a day something happens that makes me think of something I want to write about and now here I am and am drawing a total blank. Bleck.
This month one of my local BLM friends lost her husband in a freak accident. I have been in shock since I found out. We all know that just because one devastating loss happens it doesn't protect us from future losses, but this was a total gut punch. This woman gives more of herself to helping BLM's than anyone I know and losing your baby and your husband it just so so unfair. They have four living children 9 and under and those children NEEDED their dad so I will punch anyone who says he is in a better place. Ugh. Everything happens for a reason my ass. (side note to my fellow blm's does anyone know of another blm who lost her husband? I feel like I heard someone else write about this and I would love to give my friend an email address of someone else who understands. So please email me if you know of someone).
Life is just so unfair.
Twenty-one months is so hard to believe. My mind still goes there...tries to live there in that place where you are, but the reality is that I can never get to you. I hate it, I hate that this is still my reality and you are never coming back. It makes me so angry and frustrated that there is nothing I can do to change this. No matter how good life gets, I will always hate it because you are not in it the way you should be.
Your little brother is finally starting to feel a little better. We have him on two medications to help with his trachia malasia. I finally started to see a little change on Saturday when we added the second medication and each day seems like there is a bit less screaming than the last. After four months of the screaming and being afraid to go anywhere we tried taking him to the Farmer's Market. He started screaming in the middle of the market and no amount of walking, bouncing or patting would help. It's so frustrating to feel so helpless. Everyone stares and EVERYONE has a damn opinion about a screaming baby. I can't tell you the number of people who offered up advice like "oh you better feed him" or "maybe he needs a new diaper". I don't know why strangers feel the need to comment, but I could have punched every one of them. If they only knew I had done all those things, he just hurts and cries. Even though I know it's not me, it still feels like failing.
When we got home after the outing from hell I left M with your dad and went to sit with you. I needed some quiet time to just sit with you and miss you. So I sat and I cried next to your stone, I cried on your stone and if I could have I would have crawled under your stone. My visits are usually often and short just to check to make sure everything is looking nice for you. This visit was over an hour with lots of tears. Wishing things were different, replaying the last few days before you died over and over in my head and wanting a do-over on it all. I will always regret my decision to hold off on the induction. Always always.
Your stone was dirty so I brought out my diaper bag and cleaned it with a diaper wipe...not exactly what they were meant for, but oddly comforting to be able to use one FOR you.
This month also brought a visit from your Grandma and Grandpa from North Carolina. We always have such a wonderful time with them and of course they wanted to come visit you because they love you too! I'm so glad we have this place to bring our family and friends to, I know it's not for everyone,but it really helps me.
Another month gone by. You are on my mind every.single.day. I love you baby girl.
PS Here is your brother screaming...he has quite the set of lungs on him!