Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Twenty-One Months

The big day is creeping up once again. It doesn't feel quite as scary as it did last year, which really makes me worry. Last year I was so worried about the actual day that it didn't seem as bad and this year I feel calm about it, which probably means the actual day will be a million times harder...we will see. Two. Wow.  I really miss my little toddler. Really really miss her.

At least once a day something happens that makes me think of something I want to write about and now here I am and am drawing a total blank. Bleck.

This month one of my local BLM friends lost her husband in a freak accident. I have been in shock since I found out. We all know that just because one devastating loss happens it doesn't protect us from future losses, but this was a total gut punch. This woman gives more of herself to helping BLM's than anyone I know and losing your baby and your husband it just so so unfair. They have four living children 9 and under and those children NEEDED their dad so I will punch anyone who says he is in a better place. Ugh. Everything happens for a reason my ass. (side note to my fellow blm's does anyone know of another blm who lost her husband? I feel like I heard someone else write about this and I would love to give my friend an email address of someone else who understands. So please email me if you know of someone).

Life is just so unfair.

Dear Addi,

Twenty-one months is so hard to believe. My mind still goes there...tries to live there in that place where you are, but the reality is that I can never get to you. I hate it, I hate that this is still my reality and you are never coming back. It makes me so angry and frustrated that there is nothing I can do to change this. No matter how good life gets, I will always hate it because you are not in it the way you should be.

Your little brother is finally starting to feel a little better. We have him on two medications to help with his trachia malasia. I finally started to see a little change on Saturday when we added the second medication and each day seems like there is a bit less screaming than the last. After four months of the screaming and being afraid to go anywhere we tried taking him to the Farmer's Market. He started screaming in the middle of the market and no amount of walking, bouncing or patting would help. It's so frustrating to feel so helpless. Everyone stares and EVERYONE has a damn opinion about a screaming baby. I can't tell you the number of people who offered up advice like "oh you better feed him" or "maybe he needs a new diaper". I don't know why strangers feel the need to comment, but I could have punched every one of them. If they only knew I had done all those things, he just hurts and cries. Even though I know it's not me, it still feels like failing.

When we got home after the outing from hell I left M with your dad and went to sit with you. I needed some quiet time to just sit with you and miss you. So I sat and I cried next to your stone, I cried on your stone and if I could have I would have crawled under your stone. My visits are usually often and short just to check to make sure everything is looking nice for you. This visit was over an hour with lots of tears. Wishing things were different, replaying the last few days before you died over and over in my head and wanting a do-over on it all. I will always regret my decision to hold off on the induction. Always always.

Your stone was dirty so I brought out my diaper bag and cleaned it with a diaper wipe...not exactly what they were meant for, but oddly comforting to be able to use one FOR you.


This month also brought a visit from your Grandma and Grandpa from North Carolina. We always have such a wonderful time with them and of course they wanted to come visit you because they love you too! I'm so glad we have this place to bring our family and friends to, I know it's not for everyone,but it really helps me.

Another month gone by. You are on my mind every.single.day. I love you baby girl.

Love,
mom

PS Here is your brother screaming...he has quite the set of lungs on him!

10 comments:

  1. Aw, poor baby and poor you!

    Two years was harder than 1 year for me, when the actual day hit, it was brutal. I think this year could be the worst yet with pregnancy hormones thrown in and being kinda overwhelmed with so much new baby stuff to do.

    I'm so sorry for your BLM friend. That is so awful and heartbreaking.

    I have a friend who also lost her husband. Let me ask her if she minds me giving out her email first and I'll email you her address if it's okay with her.

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  2. ((Tears))..what would we do for a do over...ugh!!! ALways thinking of you and Addison on this day...21 months seriously??? it is crazy!!!

    My heart breaks for you and your little man. It must be so hard to know that he is in pain and you can't make it better. I will be hoping and praying that his meds continue to work and that you have some better days ahead.

    I am so sorry for you BLM friend. I can't imagine raising my 4 kids without my husband, every single one of them need and deserve their daddy. I guess I just don't understand how life can be so cruel. So many thoughts go out to them.

    Happy 21 months Addison!!!

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  3. I'm so so sorry to hear of your fiends loss. Do you have her address? I'd like to send a card. Life is so cruel.

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  4. I hope Mason's medicine helps. I'm sure it is sooo frustrating and heartbreaking to have him scream and not be able to soothe him. And people ALWAYS assume a fussy baby is hungry. Like seriously? You think that didn't already occur to me? Maybe my baby just doesn't like your face!

    Anyway.

    So sorry to hear of your friend's additional loss. Life is so unfair but it still takes my breath away to hear of something like that. Angie and I have the same friend who also lost her husband, so I will let her get in touch.

    Two years seems impossible, doesn't it? I think it's probably hard to compare this year with last year. I'm sure it will suck, though probably not quite the same way. Remembering your sweet Addi girl.

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  5. That is exactly how the first and second anniversaries went for me. Hope the day goes easier on you.

    Quite a heartbreaking letter to your girl. :(

    Love to y'all!

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  6. Love all four of you so much!!

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  7. :( I friggin' hate this. I hate so much that she's not here with you. I do LOVE that you got to "mother" her a little with the wipe, but I really wish it was a poopy diaper you were cleaning, you know?

    I'm so sorry for your friend. There are no words, just comforting thoughts from an internet stranger.

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  8. That sends shivers down my spine. None of us are safe from more loss.
    xo

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  9. I have no insight, no advice. But I wanted to send my love and support anyway. Thinking of you, friend.

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  10. Heartbroken for your friend, there are just no words. Please send along our love and prayers.

    Coming up on 2 years. It just freakin' sucks. I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes, you know? Thinking of you and Addi.

    Love you, friend!

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