Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Twenty-One Months

The big day is creeping up once again. It doesn't feel quite as scary as it did last year, which really makes me worry. Last year I was so worried about the actual day that it didn't seem as bad and this year I feel calm about it, which probably means the actual day will be a million times harder...we will see. Two. Wow.  I really miss my little toddler. Really really miss her.

At least once a day something happens that makes me think of something I want to write about and now here I am and am drawing a total blank. Bleck.

This month one of my local BLM friends lost her husband in a freak accident. I have been in shock since I found out. We all know that just because one devastating loss happens it doesn't protect us from future losses, but this was a total gut punch. This woman gives more of herself to helping BLM's than anyone I know and losing your baby and your husband it just so so unfair. They have four living children 9 and under and those children NEEDED their dad so I will punch anyone who says he is in a better place. Ugh. Everything happens for a reason my ass. (side note to my fellow blm's does anyone know of another blm who lost her husband? I feel like I heard someone else write about this and I would love to give my friend an email address of someone else who understands. So please email me if you know of someone).

Life is just so unfair.

Dear Addi,

Twenty-one months is so hard to believe. My mind still goes there...tries to live there in that place where you are, but the reality is that I can never get to you. I hate it, I hate that this is still my reality and you are never coming back. It makes me so angry and frustrated that there is nothing I can do to change this. No matter how good life gets, I will always hate it because you are not in it the way you should be.

Your little brother is finally starting to feel a little better. We have him on two medications to help with his trachia malasia. I finally started to see a little change on Saturday when we added the second medication and each day seems like there is a bit less screaming than the last. After four months of the screaming and being afraid to go anywhere we tried taking him to the Farmer's Market. He started screaming in the middle of the market and no amount of walking, bouncing or patting would help. It's so frustrating to feel so helpless. Everyone stares and EVERYONE has a damn opinion about a screaming baby. I can't tell you the number of people who offered up advice like "oh you better feed him" or "maybe he needs a new diaper". I don't know why strangers feel the need to comment, but I could have punched every one of them. If they only knew I had done all those things, he just hurts and cries. Even though I know it's not me, it still feels like failing.

When we got home after the outing from hell I left M with your dad and went to sit with you. I needed some quiet time to just sit with you and miss you. So I sat and I cried next to your stone, I cried on your stone and if I could have I would have crawled under your stone. My visits are usually often and short just to check to make sure everything is looking nice for you. This visit was over an hour with lots of tears. Wishing things were different, replaying the last few days before you died over and over in my head and wanting a do-over on it all. I will always regret my decision to hold off on the induction. Always always.

Your stone was dirty so I brought out my diaper bag and cleaned it with a diaper wipe...not exactly what they were meant for, but oddly comforting to be able to use one FOR you.

This month also brought a visit from your Grandma and Grandpa from North Carolina. We always have such a wonderful time with them and of course they wanted to come visit you because they love you too! I'm so glad we have this place to bring our family and friends to, I know it's not for everyone,but it really helps me.

Another month gone by. You are on my mind I love you baby girl.


PS Here is your brother screaming...he has quite the set of lungs on him!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

A birth announcement

I just can't seem to get myself to blog...I want to and I miss it, but it just doesn't feel natural like it used to. It's very hard to start when you feel SO far behind. Things with Mason are good, but they have also been very hard. He is anything but an easy baby. It's been hard to get even the smallest task completed, but today I finally ordered his birth announcements...yeah I's ridiculous. My dad said at this point I shouldn't bother with it as he is already 4 months old, but he deserves a special announcement too. My main struggle with them (other than time) is that I needed Addison to be incorporated, but I didn't want them to be ABOUT Addison and thinking about it was too overwhelming most of the time. This is what we came up with.

Photo Card
View the entire collection of cards.

If you can't read the announcement the bottom says "Thankful parents Brian and Keleen with big sister Addison forever in our hearts" It's the best we could decide on, but I still don't know it's exactly what I wanted...I could stare at it for another four months, but it would probably still be the same!

A friend of Brian's took these pictures and while initially I wanted BIRTH pictures in his announcement, I loved that the classic "baby toes and rings" had Addison's footprint too (by my request) and the picture of Mason's first "dip" in the lake (while it isn't your typical family picture) is just that because Addi is apart of that lake and our family. Since I HAD to use those two pictures, I decided to only use pictures from that shoot and no hospital pictures because it just seemed to flow better. I just ordered them so hopefully they look just as good or better in person. Here is your sneak peek!

I remember what a hard process this was for Addison and how I couldn't believe it took me three months to complete...little did I know it would take me even LONGER to get Mason's done. It's always going to suck that I really have to think of how I can include her instead of just adding her like a normal family who hasn't lost child.

Maybe someday I will be able to sit down and really write again because Lord knows, I have a lot to say!

A little Mason update for those of you that are wondering. At his 4 month appointment last week (yes, I said FOUR) his stats were:

Weight: 14 lbs 12 oz (45%)
Length: 25 3/4 inches (75%)
Head Circumference: (90%)
This month we get to add solids and so far he LOVES pears!

Oh and here he is at 4 months old...with his Addi bear of course.