Sunday, August 5, 2012

Twenty Months

Twenty Months.Whoa. That is scarily close to another birthday. Two is on the horizon. That makes me want to throw up quite frankly.

Not only does today mark twenty months since our beautiful baby girl was born, but it is also the first birthday of twins Aliya and Bennett. Two sweet babies who are deeply missed by their parents and so many more. If you can, stop by and show Amy and Paul some love by reminding them their babies are remembered. Brian and I met Amy and Paul shortly after the loss of their twins and have enjoyed their friendship and ability to share our babies with each other. Love you Amy (and Paul too)!

I have noticed a few changes in this month. One being that I skipped an entire day of reading blogs! It didn't even occur to me until I checked them the next day and realized there were more than normal. That has not happened since I found this little blogging community. Last month I was checking less often, but this month I actually missed an entire day. Mind boggling. I also stopped by the cemetery a little less. Although on one of my visits there was ANOTHER new baby since last month...STOP THE MADNESS! Ugh. I try not to run errands as M has an excellent set of lungs and loves to show them off in public. So I don't find myself driving many places other than my parent's house. Addi is still a constant on my mind, but those two things were surprising changes this month.

I have two friends having baby boys and one went into the hospital on the 5th last month and had her baby on the 6th and another friend who went into the hospital today and I am hoping waits to have her baby on the 6th as well. I know there are going to people who have their babies on the 5th of the month, but it feels as if it is a sacred day and should be reserved. I know it can't be helped, but I feel a little selfish in that way. Seriously though, what's up with two months in a row with this happening?!? I don't know anyone due next month, thank goodness!

We had the first family reunion (one more to come next week). It was so nice to have Mason, but still so hard not to have our big girl. When we showed up my dad was wearing his "Addison" shirt, which always makes me smile. It is his way of keeping her apart of the day and it means more than I can articulate. Also after the reunion was over my mom said how much she missed having Addi there. I know we all think it, but it is so nice to hear it out loud.

Yesterday I got one of the sweetest voice mails. It was from my brother "from another mother" Josh. He said that his Addison bracelet had fallen off and was hoping I had another one he could have because he never takes it off. The tone is his voice sounded seriously devastated that he had lost it. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he not only wears Addison's name proudly every day, but that it was THIS important to him. Makes me want to cry (good tears of course). We have several friends who wear their bracelets every day. I just want you guys to know that I ALWAYS notice. Even if I don't say anything, I see them and they make me smile. It means more to me than any gift you could ever give. Seriously. I also got several messages from people remembering that it's the 5th. Twenty months out and people still remember. Bless you my friends. I hope heaven holds a special spot for you. You certainly mean more to me than gold!

Dear Addison,

My heart aches for you constantly. Yesterday was especially hard. I was feeling completely overwhelmed with the day and missing you. It was one of those days I was constantly having to fight the tears off. I wound up making it through the day, but going to bed as quickly as possible so I could "beat" the tears. I woke up a little better and the day progressed much better than anticipated, but it was still a rough one. It's amazing how this time of the month really has a subconscious effect on my mind and body.

We spent the day at the lake, which always makes me feel better. Knowing that you are apart of the lake since spreading your ashes there is so comforting to me. When your brother went down for a nap as the sun was setting I went out with your dad to have a late night swim. Floating in the warm water and staring at the sky just makes me feel so close to you. Your dad asked me if I was having a "moment" yes, you could say I was. Isn't it beautiful?

I'll steal the picture your dad took with Photosynth on his phone :)

Your Grandma and Grandpa Crawford are coming to visit this week and I can't wait. They love you and because of that I can't wait to share your brother with them too. It will be bittersweet to watch them with your brother since we were never given the chance with you, but I know their love is big enough for both of you.

I have so many emotions that seem to be bottled up inside. Like tonight as I am writing my stomach feels sick and the tears seem close again. We missed every support group meeting this month and that may be part of it or it may just be time for a really good cry. I'm not sure. I know I had more that I wanted to say...all day I have been thinking about things I wanted to write about, but now of course I am drawing a blank. I am sure they will all come rushing back to me the moment I hit "publish". You know my heart and all the things I hold in there for you, I hope that is enough. Goodnight my girl, I love you so much it hurts. Like really.



  1. In June there were a couple people I know having babies and one had hers before and one the day after Cale's birthday. I just didnt want them to be the same day - I get it, it's not our day to claim but we have so little that is theirs so we want to claim it all. Just a couple weeks ago a Facebook friend had her baby and she weighed and measured the exact same as Cale and it just made me so sad. Those were my baby's measurements ... Only I didn't get to show pictures of him being weighed or being alive...

    I know two years approaching can be overwhelming - lots of love to your sweet family and beautiful girl as you creep up on that milestone.

  2. We're in the 20s now. It can't be real. 20 is close to 24 and that makes me so sad. :/

  3. Thinking of you and Addison always at the beginning of each month. I know I am really busy right now, but I actually had to count what month we are on now...don't know if that is good or bad, but either way my heart still aches every day just like yours.

    I am glad you had a wonderful time at the lake with your family...i know how bittersweet those gatherings can be. Lots of love to you and your family and especially your sweet Addison.

  4. Thank you, Keleen, for acknowledging us on your special place for Addi. We love you, too...and truly, without you and Brian to guide us from that very first week post-loss, I don't know how we would have survived the last year. <3

  5. I love the little things (that are so big) that your family does to keep Addi close.

  6. 15 months for us, and I hate to say that I didn't realize it until the day was engrossed with the new baby. Made me feel guilty of course, but just one of those things. The lake sounds wonderful and I'm glad you feel close to her there!

  7. Everything you've said is true for me too. Things get easier and the grief is less urgent, but it's still there. Sometimes it's even a relief when the tears come, because I don't ever want to not be sad about missing her, you know? Thinking of you and Addi.

  8. I agree with you and Brooke, the grief is still there, but easier to manage with daily life.

    I actually don't want anyone to have the same birthday as Caroline. Even older people who had it first. I actually get a little weird with items with the expiration date of Oct 19 or 20 as well...won't buy them. Can't do it. Strange, but true.

    It's precious that your dad wears an Addi shirt. I'm so thankful that your family loves her and misses her right along with you.

  9. 20 hard. And so unreal. Thinking about you and your sweet Addi ♥