This friendly little encounter made me really uncomfortable. It actually really surprised me at how uncomfortable. If I could have closed my eyes and pretended she wasn't there I think it would have made me feel better (although that would make me super crazy)! Thankfully she didn't ask if he was my first and I was able to answer all her questions, but I wasn't able to ask her about HER baby. I just didn't care...that sounds awful, but I really didn't. I could tell Brian felt bad for her as she was getting nothing from me so he was the polite one and started asking her questions about her baby. In my head I was thinking how stupid it was that I couldn't just get over myself and have a conversation with her, but I just couldn't. Thankfully after a few very uncomfortable minutes our little pager went off to be seated and I couldn't have jumped out of the seat any faster. Poor lady...she was probably very confused or just thought I was rude. I just don't feel like a normal mom and it is crazy to me that strangers can't sense that...I feel like it is so obvious about me, how broken and lost I am. Often times I feel like there is a giant flashing sign above my head, but there isn't and I can just blend in as if I am one of them. It's so odd to me.
I had another instance this week were I ran into an old friend...actually an old boyfriend. It was a rare occasion in which I didn't have M with me (he was having some grandma time), but I was able to show off his picture and gush about my baby boy. In my head I was screaming Addison's name, I wanted to gush about her too. It's probably been 10 years since I have seen this guy...it's amazing how much has changed. Life was so much simpler when we had dated. So much is good, but so much sad. It made me wonder what things he had gone through in his own life that you just don't talk about in a chance encounter. It was really nice to see him, but even nicer to leave hand in hand with my husband. I'm a lucky girl to have chosen such a wonderful partner.
Things have been going great with M. I am soaking up every minute even all the minutes filled with screaming and crying. I can't believe we are so close to 3 months. It really doesn't seem possible that we have been lucky enough to have him for this long. During the moments that his tummy isn't hurting him I always have my phone ready to take a picture of his wonderful smile. Here is a picture from this week (if you follow me on Instagram then you have already seen it), but it's one of my new favorites :)
Since I rarely get time on the laptop anything I can do on my phone is key. Since I am exclusively breastfeeding I have lots of time to be on my phone. My top favorites have become Instagram and Pinterest. It's a win win for everyone because Brian has gotten several new recipes for dinner and my friends have gotten to see more pictures of Mason. I still really struggle posting his picture on FB. I know people must think we are all happy and normal now and that really bothers me. I know it is my own issue, but I like that Instagram is a little more intimate and that the people I have on there know that we have more than one child and acknowledge it. The truth is that we are happy, but we are still sad too.
I have also noticed that pregnant women still bother me. You would think it would be no big deal now that we have M, but the truth is that I am still envious of how easy it seems to be for them and their (seemingly) blissful ignorance is still hard. I think another part has to do with the fact that I know so many BLM's who I wish could be pregnant too and it sucs that it is so easy for some and not for others. Also little girls are still incredibly painful. I have enough to say on that for it's very own post...another day I suppose.
I probably should have just bulleted this post because I have so many things just jumping around my brain. I'm too tired and lazy to go back over and start again so it's another jumbled post for you all. Sorry.
I'm reading all the blogs, but before I would check for new posts a million times a day and now I find I am checking less and less. Still reading everyday, but just not as "hungry" for them as I used to be. Maybe this is progress?!? I don't know. I do know that I have been trying to live in the land where babies live a little more than in the land where babies die. I know I will always have one foot in both worlds, but it's a struggle to find exactly where I fit.
Last thing. I have been referring to Mason a lot by just "M". It occurred to me that the reason I do that is because I get to say his name ALL the time. I don't think I would refer to Addison on a daily basis as "A" because I don't get to say her name nearly enough, but Mason I say multiple times a day, people say his name to me, his name is printed on the mail and on his prescriptions and well everything else you can think of. I can write M all the time over and over because at the end of the day it's probably the name I say more times than anyone else. Kind of interesting...or maybe not, it's just been on my mind.
Okay, that's all I have for now. I have a whole post about being in the hospital with M and coming home with him just waiting for me to hit publish, but for some reason I just keep thinking it's missing something. I'll try getting on that!