Saturday, July 21, 2012

X, Y & Z...a little bit of everything

Tonight I was mistaken for one of them you know the "normal mom out in public with her baby who other moms think they can just come up to and strike up a conversation with". There I was minding my own business waiting to be seated at the Olive Garden and the mom seated on the other side of the waiting area actually gets up out of her seat and comes over to talk to me...the nerve! Okay I know this is probably something I totally would have been into pre-Addison, but now I find it odd and uncomfortable that other moms gravitate to me just because I have a baby they can see. This lady meant well and just wanted to "bond" over the fact that we both had little boys. The only thing that really stung was that her older daughter came over with her to see Mason too...ugh. Of course she had an older girl.

This friendly little encounter made me really uncomfortable. It actually really surprised me at how uncomfortable. If I could have closed my eyes and pretended she wasn't there I think it would have made me feel better (although that would make me super crazy)! Thankfully she didn't ask if he was my first and I was able to answer all her questions, but I wasn't able to ask her about HER baby. I just didn't care...that sounds awful, but I really didn't. I could tell Brian felt bad for her as she was getting nothing from me so he was the polite one and started asking her questions about her baby. In my head I was thinking how stupid it was that I couldn't just get over myself and have a conversation with her, but I just couldn't. Thankfully after a few very uncomfortable minutes our little pager went off to be seated and I couldn't have jumped out of the seat any faster. Poor lady...she was probably very confused or just thought I was rude. I just don't feel like a normal mom and it is crazy to me that strangers can't sense that...I feel like it is so obvious about me, how broken and lost I am. Often times I feel like there is a giant flashing sign above my head, but there isn't and I can just blend in as if I am one of them. It's so odd to me.

I had another instance this week were I ran into an old friend...actually an old boyfriend. It was a rare occasion in which I didn't have M with me (he was having some grandma time), but I was able to show off his picture and gush about my baby boy. In my head I was screaming Addison's name, I wanted to gush about her too. It's probably been 10 years since I have seen this's amazing how much has changed. Life was so much simpler when we had dated. So much is good, but so much sad. It made me wonder what things he had gone through in his own life that you just don't talk about in a chance encounter. It was really nice to see him, but even nicer to leave hand in hand with my husband. I'm a lucky girl to have chosen such a wonderful partner.

Things have been going great with M. I am soaking up every minute even all the minutes filled with screaming and crying. I can't believe we are so close to 3 months. It really doesn't seem possible that we have been lucky enough to have him for this long. During the moments that his tummy isn't hurting him I always have my phone ready to take a picture of his wonderful smile. Here is a picture from this week (if you follow me on Instagram then you have already seen it), but it's one of my new favorites :)

Since I rarely get time on the laptop anything I can do on my phone is key. Since I am exclusively breastfeeding I have lots of time to be on my phone. My top favorites have become Instagram and Pinterest. It's a win win for everyone because Brian has gotten several new recipes for dinner and my friends have gotten to see more pictures of Mason. I still really struggle posting his picture on FB. I know people must think we are all happy and normal now and that really bothers me. I know it is my own issue, but I like that Instagram is a little more intimate and that the people I have on there know that we have more than one child and acknowledge it. The truth is that we are happy, but we are still sad too.

I have also noticed that pregnant women still bother me. You would think it would be no big deal now that we have M, but the truth is that I am still envious of how easy it seems to be for them and their (seemingly) blissful ignorance is still hard. I think another part has to do with the fact that I know so many BLM's who I wish could be pregnant too and it sucs that it is so easy for some and not for others. Also little girls are still incredibly painful. I have enough to say on that for it's very own post...another day I suppose.

I probably should have just bulleted this post because I have so many things just jumping around my brain. I'm too tired and lazy to go back over and start again so it's another jumbled post for you all. Sorry.

I'm reading all the blogs, but before I would check for new posts a million times a day and now I find I am checking less and less. Still reading everyday, but just not as "hungry" for them as I used to be. Maybe this is progress?!? I don't know. I do know that I have been trying to live in the land where babies live a little more than in the land where babies die. I know I will always have one foot in both worlds, but it's a struggle to find exactly where I fit.

Last thing. I have been referring to Mason a lot by just "M". It occurred to me that the reason I do that is because I get to say his name ALL the time. I don't think I would refer to Addison on a daily basis as "A" because I don't get to say her name nearly enough, but Mason I say multiple times a day, people say his name to me, his name is printed on the mail and on his prescriptions and well everything else you can think of. I can write M all the time over and over because at the end of the day it's probably the name I say more times than anyone else. Kind of interesting...or maybe not, it's just been on my mind.

Okay, that's all I have for now. I have a whole post about being in the hospital with M and coming home with him just waiting for me to hit publish, but for some reason I just keep thinking it's missing something. I'll try getting on that!


  1. What an awkward encounter! I have similar conversations. I never ask about other babies... Pretty much ever! Even with friends. Part of me is probably afraid of their perfect answers.

    I am also jealous of other pregnant women and their nonchalance and joy. I still have a hard time seeing boys or girls Andrew and Addi's would-be age. I was at a party last night and knew the girl was that age. Sure enough...the mom said "just over 1.5 years" and it made me so sad. The girl was talking. My heart ached as I sat there feeding B.

    And you're right. I call Benjamin "B", but could never refer to Andrew as "A". I don't get to say his name nearly enough, so I don't want to shorten it.

  2. I know what you mean about trying to live more in the world where babies live but always having a foot in both. It is weird to figure out where we fit in - and sometimes I don't want to fit in when I know I can't.

  3. He is so adorable and getting so big. I bet you just melt every time he smiles at you.
    Sorry about your dinner. I struggled with that at first as well, but I have noticed that like everything else as Layton gets older it seems to get a tiny bit easier
    I have older children so I know my situation is different than yours, but I constantly struggle with toddlers. I just stare and wonder what could have been...

  4. I feel torn between worlds, too. I scan blm posts now rather than sit and read through each detail... I find it can take me from a "good" mood to a dark place in a matter of seconds.... Sometimes (and I feel awful admitting this), I just can't "go there"... I'll try my best not to think about it.

    Little boys aren't that hard for me these days, and certainly not when they're in the arms of blms. I think it's because so many of my friends are having boys right now that I've been exposed to it so much, you know?

    Anyway, just want you to know you're not alone. :)

  5. People are so oblivious, but I think what you said about not knowing what your ex-boyfriend may have gone through in the last 10 years is spot on. My dear friend has a quote in her e-mail signature that says, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I've always liked that.

    What a perfect picture of Mason! I need to follow you on Instagram if I can just figure it out.

    Love you!

  6. I agree with everything that everyone else has said. It seems like we're all in the same place since our losses. Which makes sense considering we lost our babies all around the same time.

  7. Oh, and he's just so adorable! Love that little hat too!

  8. He is adorable! I miss those days when Luke would let us put whatever we wanted on his head and left it there! Now he gives us a disgusted look and rips it off in 0.25 seconds. So live up the hats while you can!

    I am like you. Going anywhere with Luke is like having a huge sign hanging over us "COME TALK TO ME RANDOM STRANGERS". I didn't like talking to random strangers even before we had kids, I like it even less now, especially when they try to put their grubby hands on my baby! The other day in Target I had just plopped Luke in the cart and some lady came up and started pulling on Luke's toes. (He had ripped his shoes off in the car and I had no plans to let him walk around Target so didn't bother to put them back on.) I know he's not a little baby anymore and I'm not worried about germs so much (considering my kid STILL tries to eat dog food as often as possible, my standards for germs have gotten relatively low the older Luke gets.) But ugh. I am so tired of random people coming up and talking to us. Unfortunately, that doesn't change as they get bigger. Use the infant seat for as long as you can, it helps hide them better!

  9. I know what you mean about other pregnant ladies and their blissful ignorance. ON the whole blending in thing - I worry about who might be looking at me now that I am pregnant again, and hurting, thinking the same things I am thinking - those who have lost babies, those who are struggling to conceive - people that don't know my story and that I can relate... I wonder that often, and if they can tell that I'm not that "normal" pregnant lady - can they tell?

    Your Mason is so sweet! Much love xx Di

  10. I've been in situations like that. Sometimes I forget the words "dead baby" aren't actually tattooed to my forehead and that I don't always scare people off! I feel pretty scary! It feels so strange to think I (we) can look so normal but feel so broken inside.

  11. So much of this is true for me. I feel like I go back and forth between normal and not-normal when it comes to other moms. But I've noticed that anytime I write Caroline's name, I feel this intense sadness that I don't get to write (or say as often) Eliza's name. I love her name so much. It makes me sad.