Thursday, July 5, 2012

Nineteen Months

Decorated for the 4th
It's been nineteen months. Nineteen whole long months since our lives changed forever. I had to think about it this month and then double check to see if that was really right. I'm not sure if I am having a hard time remembering the exact month age because it is getting so much bigger or because I just can't believe it's really been this long.

It's been a hard few days for me. I have been extra tired even though Mason let's me sleep for at least 5 hours a night. My body still thinks it needs more than 5 hours per night...imagine that! I have been feeling like a grief storm is coming, like at any moment something little will happen and I will burst into a million tears. Since the tears have not come yet the grief seems to fester leaving me to turn my grief into anger and making me snappy and short with the people I love. I think part of that is also attributed to the fact that I have never ending patience with Mason and ALL of his crying, but since I use up all that patience for M, there is none left for anyone else.

Last year the 4th of July was so sad and difficult because we didn't have our then 7 month old and we weren't pregnant and hope was feeling further and further away. That day was supposed to go a certain way and it didn' couldn't and we could only hope for 2012's 4th to be different and lucky for us it was, but it still fell short.

The fact that we even were able to have our sweet boy with us for this years 4th made it the best 4th yet, but I couldn't help the "should have beens". This year I was 'stuck' inside breastfeeding and when I wasn't doing that I was making sure M had all the rest of his needs meet. Yes, I have great family and lots of help, but I still make sure to be close too him just in case. As much as I am so thankful to have M to cater to, I was wishing I was splish splashing in the water, building sand castles and picking Grandma Karen's raspberries with my girl. I was just plain missing her and all that could have been.

There was a moment when the fireworks started and M was crying and we were walking and bouncing and patting his back (oh my) and I just took a moment to stand alone and hold him tight and be thankful for him and that he was at the lake house with me on his very first 4th of July, the same place where I spent my very first one and every single one since then. I thought about how special it was to share this spot and this day with him and how I hope there are many more to come. And then mixed with those same happy nostalgic thoughts I let myself be sad for the little girl who would never spend her first or any 4th of July with us. Because that's okay to be happy and sad all in the same moment.

Some pictures from the 4th.
First 4th outfit

Loving our boy and missing our girl

Sporting his big sister's bib

This picture has no real meaning, I just thought it was hilarious. 4th of July was also Addi's Great-Grandpa's 83rd birthday and I would like to caption this picture with "You think YOU are pretty gangsta?!?" In reality the sun was on that side and he was just keeping his ear covered, but still cracked me up!

Dear Addi,
I can't think of a way to start this letter off that is different than any other time I have written you. I love you and I miss you...are you tired of hearing that...I hope not because I cannot imagine a time where those words won't be the first things I think about when I think of you.

It's been so rough without you. Knowing things can never be the way I had imagined and that you will always be missing. I struggle to share your little brother with acquaintances and strangers as they just don't get how bittersweet our lives are. I ran into a friend from school the other day when I was with your dad and brother. I introduced them both to her and she probably assumed Mason was our first and only child. She didn't ask if he was and it would have been awkward of be to throw in an "oh by the way, I have a daughter too" so I just left it, but it made me feel so sad that I wasn't able to introduce you too.

This month also brought you a new neighbor at the cemetery. It makes me so incredibly sad each time I see a new baby added, but this one was even more difficult because it was added in the vacant spot next to yours. It is my hope that we never EVER need another plot for any of your siblings, but it felt a little like insurance to have it open and it gives me crazy anxiety now that it is filled. It also made me crazy that the people who placed the new casket made such a mess and left your stone COVERED in dirt. Lucky for me grandma found it first and cleaned up your spot. Lots of people look out for you little one.

Today we (and by we I mean your daddy) set up the pack and play grandma and papa bought for you so many many months ago. It matches your car seat and stroller and I'm pretty sure your brother is thrilled (or will be one day) that we didn't go with pink! It was bittersweet (there's that word again) to set it up knowing it wasn't for you, but so so nice to see your brother making good use of it. I have to say it must be the Cadillac of pack and plays...there doesn't seem to be anything it doesn't do! I think you would be happy knowing your brother is able to use all of his big sister's gear.

I don't know what this next month will bring, but one thing I will promise you is that I will still be missing you and loving you. Wish you were here.

The picture doesn't do it justice. Kudos Graco, awesome product!

Using the handy changing station

Little brother enjoying what was passed down from his big sister

It's not a pink bikini, but still a pretty cute swim suit!

Dad says the hat is dorky, mom says it's cute...what say you?


  1. I was thinking about you and Addy last night...another month, wow!!! Love the Mason pics, he is just too cute!!!

    Bittersweet is the word that rolls around my brain daily as well.

    Remembering Addison

  2. I had a grief storm last week. Maybe in anticipation? 19 months seems like so much. In terms of length since we held our beautiful firstborns and in terms of age-- as in the age our babies would be. It's unfathomable and not okay.

    I also wanted to say that B was a big time crier as well. Not collicky, but he does have quite the voice and used it well until we hit month 5, I'd say. I think that's finally when I was able to discern his needs quicker and eliminate the crying more, but also because he's just more aware and content being left alone . So I understand the ALL the crying situation you have going on!

    I absolutely know what you mean about being thankful for having babies now and being able to enjoy this year's festivities but feeling like the enjoyment should've been different. I almost resented that B was too young for Easter this year and could walk around collecting eggs. Because that's how our lives would've looked if Andrew were alive. Every holiday is sort of like that.

    Also so sad to hear the plot next to Addi's has been filled. :/ More unexpected grief for a family who doesn't deserve the sadness.

  3. I meant to type "month 4"... B's not quite 5 months yet. :)

  4. Yeah holidays are especially tricky - just never what they should be.

    Wishing you had both your kiddos with you always.

  5. First of all, I swear I typed up a comment the other night when I read this. It's not here, so apparently I did not. Boo.

    Second of all, I love his sweet little face. He just makes me smile. I'm thrilled that you were able to share the 4th and the specialness of the lake with him this year. I'm sorry that it will always feel a little "off" because you don't have your sweet girl with you.

  6. Love to you and Addi... always in my heart and thoughts to you all xoxo