Sunday, July 22, 2012

3 Months of how it's supposed to be

Today marks 3 whole months since our rainbow baby Mason was born. I.can't.believe.it. They say time flies when you are having fun and "they" are right. I can honestly say I have enjoyed every second of him. Even all the seconds filled with screaming, crying, projectile vomiting, and blow out diapers. I LOVE IT ALL. It's what we have worked so hard for and I knew exactly what I was signing up for. There is a lot you can expect, but you never know what you will get. There are several types of baby, M is in the mid to difficult category, but to me he is easy peazy because he is alive and healthy and that's all I freaking care about.

It was my intention to write a monthly update about M and then the unthinkable happened and our fellow BLM Becky lost her perfect, precious rainbow Evelynn. Her sweet girl was born on the SAME day as Mason and I just couldn't write about him each month knowing that my words could be hurtful. Now I would like to write each month and include Evelynn. After we lost Addi, it was (and still is) so nice when people would remember the day she was born each month. I would like to encourage you all to show Becky some love today by reminding her that you haven't forgotten her girl, that you're still here thinking about them and sending support. Send her an email, leave her a comment or even better make a donation here. How amazing would it be if each month the donation page got a surge visitors on Evelynn's day. Even if you have already donated, please consider donating again. If you are unfamiliar with Evelynn's story you can read about it here. No parent deserves to lose one child, but losing two plus your ability to carry more children...there are no words. We love you Becky, even if you aren't reading, we are here and we remember both of your sweet babies.

April 22, 2012, will always be a day I remember forever. A day that brought two perfect little rainbows into the world and how I wish they both could have stayed.

I am so incredibly grateful for M. He fills my life with joy and love. He has not healed my broken heart, but that was never his job. What he has done is give me new reasons to smile and fill my arms and my time. I'm busy, tired and smell like baby puke 95% of the time and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been reflecting on what the first 3 months after Addi was born and the last 3 months with Mason...such a difference. For one I don't dread the 22nd like I used to dread the 5th of each month. Actually it sneaks up on me and I only think about it because it marks another month older my son is. We went into the hospital on a Saturday and M was born on a Sunday just like his sister, but this time I don't have any feeling towards those two days. I remember how hard they were after Addi, it was months before a weekend didn't bring me to my knees. Especially when the 4th and 5th landed on the Sat/Sun combo. This 3 month mark lands on the same days as it did when he was born and it didn't occur to me until just now!

I wrote this post when we were 3 months out from Addi. It's difficult to go back and read it as I remember how hurt and broken I was when I wrote it. All the expectations I had for where things would be for a 3 month old. I will never know the answer to the questions for Addison, but for Mason I am lucky enough to know the answers. For anyone that is interested, here is what's up with Mason.

As of 7/22/12

He weighs: 13 pounds 2 ounces

His length: exactly 24 inches long

He wears: very little of his 0-3 month clothing. Most of it is pretty tight so just a few days ago I took almost all of it out of his drawers and replaced it with 3-6 month clothing. It was harder than I expected. I love that he is growing, but it's hard to see that time gone in a physical way. We have also moved him up to the size 2 diaper. He can still fit in a 1, but he is in that mid point where they both fit so we might as well go up the size.

He smiles: Just this week he has been smiling a little more as he is hurting a little less. It's so wonderful to see his personality shine through. I wouldn't say we have a full on laugh, but there is lots of "talking" aka cooing. I swear it sounds like he says "hi" or more like highhhhhh. He squeals in delight after he really gets going and of course we know he has great lungs because his screaming is top notch!

I wasn't going to write Mason a letter on this blog as it feels like one of the few things I get to do only for Addi. Instead I was going to keep M's letters in his journal, but I have failed miserably at that so here is an attempt at keeping things going here. I have to remind myself that it's okay to do some of the same things even if he already gets more than his fair share.

Dear Mason,
You are an amazing little boy and I love you so much. You make me smile in ways I thought I would never smile again. I love that you need me, but the truth is that I need you even more. The last 3 months with you have been what I have longed for. I love everything about you from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. I could kiss you all day long and sometimes do. I find myself just taking you in as much as possible. Just last night I was staring at the creases in your ankles and the hairs on your shoulders. I drink you in as much as possible.

You love to be held and lucky for you there is always someone who wants to hold you. Everyone can't get enough of you. Most families there would be at least one person who wouldn't want the screaming baby around, but your family wants you no matter what. Your Uncle Alex, your Auntie Alisa, Papa, Daddy, they all want you. Your Grandma steals you the most, she might even think you are better than a cruise and that is saying something! We also have tons of wonderful friends lining up to love on you, but at the end of the day it's your mama who wants to get her hands on you.

I love the way your face lights up when I kiss your perfect lips and how you relax in my arms. I still don't enjoy nursing, but I do enjoy the way it soothes you. I think you would nurse all day if I would let you. I think your two favorite things are the boob and your swing...with an honorable mention going to the ceiling fan.

I am constantly resting my hand on your chest just to feel it move up and down with each breath you take. I rarely listen to the radio in the car just so I can hear a breathe, a movement or any sound you might make. I hope someday you will cut me a break for holding you so close. I just need you to be okay. Forgive me for hovering, smothering and kissing you in public, just know that I'll try my best to give you space. Remember that I CAN imagine what it would be like to lose you and that's why I am so protective.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you, but most of all I just want you to be a good person who loves life. I can't wait for you to be old enough to understand that you have a big sister. I hate that she will never teach you how to tie your shoe or read to you, but I just know she is watching out for you in any way she can.

I love you my boy.

Love,
mom
3 months old today! (Last size one diaper)
Very interested in our feet this morning...much to mom's disappointment...just wanted one smile! 


Seriously, these things are awesome!

OMG you can put extra things on them...BETTER!!!!

The only shot I could get with him looking at me...why does he have such a guilty look on his face...wonder what's in his diaper...hmmm

7 comments:

  1. Becky's story breaks my heart. I only read her blog for the first time when she lost Evelynn.
    Mason is so adorable, and I'm so happy for you. Tried to find you on IG, you'll have to let me know your user name.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. He's so gorgeous! :)

    I could have written this exact same post. A lot of what you have written about Beck is exactly why I haven't had the heart to post my birth story... I've been working on it, but my goodness it's tricky to articulate.

    bah.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was so kind of you to mention Evelynn - what wonderful friends you all have been for her.

    I love what you said about M not fixing your broken heart but it never being his job to - so true.

    Happy three months sweet boy!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love what you said about Becky. It makes me treasure Caroline all the more, but I hate the thought that our joys can amplify for Becky all that she is missing.

    And as Caroline H. said, what you wrote about Mason not fixing your broken heart is so exactly perfect.

    I sometimes think about the fairness thing, too. I wish we could do more for Addi and Eliza. I try to keep in mind that what I do for Caro demonstrates how much I love both my girls.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have been working on K's 3 month post, and I said many of the same things you did. Funny/crazy/weird how we all think alike. Hopefully, I will post it tomorrow.

    Just 5 minutes ago (before I read this), I was rocking K to sleep with tears running down my face thinking of Becky and how unfair and awful this is for her. Nice of you to mention E.

    ReplyDelete
  6. He's an adorable little dude. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've had a hard time posting about all the news of Addalee's development and our family growing, too. Not just for Becky (though I think of her so often), but for anyone else who might have those raw feelings we all had. It's a strange and delicate balance. But I remember feeling uplifted by knowing that someone had walked the path that I was on, and had found at least some happiness again. So, I try to share some things, because it's real. I think you're doing a great thing by sharing about Evelynn too, that's very sweet of you.

    M. is just too stinking cute. Love his little cheeks.

    I also loved the not his job line...I've felt that way too.

    ReplyDelete