Thursday, June 14, 2012

Midnight ramblings

I'm up late because this is usually the time I am nursing M...he decided to take a late nap and is STILL asleep...I'm guessing this does not mean good things for my sleep. I should be sleeping while he is sleeping, but of course I am wide awake. I'm sure I will get sleepy just about the time he decides to wake up. I'm guessing tomorrow will be a rough one. Even with that I can't help but think about how that is such a wonderful "problem" to have. It's a beautiful thing to be kept awake from his cries and not my own. I will take this "problem" any day of the week.

For the most part M has been sleeping 5-7 hours IN A ROW each night. Of course there is always the off night where he sleeps like 2, but for the most part I have it pretty easy.

Breastfeeding remains my biggest challenge. I am loving every moment except for this one thing and it makes me so sad because I really expected to enjoy it. Sure it would be hard at first, but eventually it would stop hurting and be wonderful...well almost 8 weeks in I can say that I dread it. It is still so painful every time. I don't feel like it is beautiful or that it creates bonding time. It has gotten better as I don't curl my toes or grit my teeth quite as hard, but my breasts hurt all the time and even a hug from someone causes pain. I feel like a jerk for not loving it...I'm so lucky to have enough milk and to have a live baby to feed. I'm not giving up, I know it's best and will continue until my nipples fall off...oh God, please don't let them fall off! So that's my disappointment in my mommy duties, but I'm working on it and I can't complain about a thing because we all know the alternative is a gazillion times worse.

Another BLM told me it took her a couple months to feel like her son belonged to her like at anytime the "real mommy" would come and take him back and I feel like this as well. Mason doesn't feel like he belongs to me. I love him, I'm protective of him, but I constantly feel like he is not mine to keep. I feel like I have been given this amazing gift, this little boy who was entrusted to me, but will be taken back with no notice. I am waiting for this feeling to pass. I know there will always be fear in losing him because I don't have to imagine what it would be like, but I want to feel that he is mine to keep and it is so sad that I can't believe it yet. Maybe I don't feel like he is mine because he "belongs" to Addi. If not for her he would most likely not be here. I can live with the feeling that he belongs to her and she is trusting me to take care of him, but that hasn't sunk in either. In time.

As I was trying to fall asleep I couldn't help, but think about both my babies. My living, breathing son lying next to my side of the bed and then my sweet little girl whose urn is next to her daddy's side of the bed. All four of us together, but also so far apart. I was trying to imagine how things would be if Addi were here. What would she look like, what would her sleeping habits be, would she be gentle with her brother or rough, would she be a mommy's girl or a daddy's girl. Sometimes I can imagine what she would be like, but tonight I can't come up with anything. I'm struggling with the feeling that she was never really here, but I know better. Why can't I still make any sense out of this?!? What was the point of getting her just to have her taken away? I know I will forever wonder.

Tonight I am missing her. I miss her always, but I think this is what is actually keeping me up. So here I am in her space doing the one thing I know that helps me feel closer to her because I can't just go into her room and kiss her goodnight.

Down the hall I can hear her brother giggling in his makes me smile. I hope his sister is whispering in his ear. Isn't that a lovely thought?!?

Sorry this is such a ramble. I'm tired and missing Addi and that combination makes my head mush. I can hear M stirring, which makes sense since I am ready for bed, but it's okay. My life with him is SO worth it.


  1. I had MANY of these same feelings.

    First, Breastfeeding is tough. Don't be too hard on yourself. Are you religiously applying nipple cream? I'm sure you are, and there are these gel packs you can get and put in the fridge that help with the tenderness. I enjoyed breastfeeding, and was happy to provide milk to my little guy, but it didn't feel like this "magical" bonding experience like I envisioned. I ended up stopping close to 10 months as my milk was just depleting after making lots of efforts to get my supply up, and do wish I went longer, but I can honestly say that I don't feel that I bond any different with my son when I'm giving him a bottle.

    And it took several months to slowly become more and more comfortable and confident in the fact that Finn was my baby for the keeping. In addition to just being scared of everything we have been exposed to in the Baby Loss world (SIDs, etc), we have parented a dead child for so long that it is hard to figure out how to parent a living one. Maybe that sounds bad, but it just takes time. Just as it took time to figure out how to best love Addi, talk about her, and adjust to the fact that she wasn't here.

    Anyway, long rambling response, but just wanted to say you are doing great mama. . . hang in there.

    Oh, and post some more pics of that sweet boy when you come up for air :)

  2. I love the thought that Addi was whispering to Mason in his sleep, and I think it could be true! I'm sorry BFing is still so painful. Obviously I have nothing to offer there, other than making sure he isn't a little tongue-tied...I've heard that causes a screwy latch and can be really painful for mama until (easily) corrected.


  3. Love that you think it's Addi whispering- I think they same thing when Grace looks off in some random direction and coos or smiles. Love that thought. :)

    Are you sure you don't have a clogged duct or two? If it feels shabby like knives, it could be that ( I had one and it was sooo incredibly sore that I would bite my hand to get through those first few moments of latching). If not, the lanolin seems to help me when mine are sore? I don't mean to give advice, but I've been there and this is what has helped.

  4. I understand. I was up in the wee hours of the night reading because I couldn't sleep. Because I haven't really slept well at all (even if he does sleep 7 hours straight-- which has only happened once-- that's my struggle) since B was born. I fear so much and almost want him to cry after a few hours, just so I know he's alive. It's so hard.

    I'm sorry bf'ing is a struggle right now. We all have our own, I guess. I wouldn't say it's the most glorious bonding experience either, but I do enjoy it. It's my break time since he's calm and happy during feedings. And it finally stopped hurting for me around the 2 month mark.

    I've been thinking a lot about Andrew lately, too. So much. I just really would love to be that woman who had two babies and was holding them both in her arms.

  5. I'm missing my little boy as well lately. I just stare at his picture at the side of my bed and many times it feels like it never happened. It makes me so sad and that sadness reminds me that it did...

    Love the thought of Addi making him giggle. Whenever I see Layton staring off into a corner smiling I like to think the same thing...whatever it takes to get through this mess.

    BFing doesn't work for everyone so don't beat yourself up about it. I think it is amazing that you are suffering through it for him, but I am 80/20 bottle to breast and to be honest I feel just as close to him no matter how I feed him. He is at the point where feeding is play time now and it drives me crazy so I am using the bottle more. You are not a failure if the pain becomes too much for you. I also second what LJ said...clogged ducts can lead to Mastitis which I was hospitalized for with my last son and I wouldn't wish that on anyone!!! Hoping things start to get a little easier for you and so glad you posted. Thinking of you and Addi often.

  6. When Luke smiles in his sleep, I like to think that Olivia is playing with him in his dreams.

    8 weeks is still pretty early in terms of breastfeeding, I still had quite a bit of pain still at that point. But it might be worth seeing a lactation consultant to make sure his latch is okay if you haven't already seen one. I agree about the gel packs and nipple cream too. Hang in there, you are almost done with the hardest part. It is about the 3 month mark where we really had it all figured out and it stopped hurting. You are almost there!

  7. Sounds like you're doing a great job with BF. I wanted it to work so badly, because I felt that I totally failed with Hope, so BF just HAD to work. It was hard, so hard. I don't think it got easier for me until about 12 weeks. Like you, it just hurt and I dreaded it. Even hugs from people or drying myself after a shower. But it clicked eventually and Angus weaned at 15 months, without ever having a bottle. I was pig headed and stubborn but this was just one thing I had to do.
    Hang in there, and please sing out if you need any help. This all sounded so familiar.

  8. This is all so bittersweet. Hope to join you soon in the land of balancing how to mother a living child and a missing child at the same time...

    I'm glad little Mason is doing well <3

  9. I love what you say about his giggles and Addison whispering to him. I used to watch Toby's face as he slept and wonder if Emma was with him in his dreams.

    You are doing an amazing job feeding Mac - I truly hope it gets easier very, very soon.

  10. I love that Addi is whispering to Mason and he's giggling at her ♥ Such a beautiful thought. My little Mason will look up into space and start smiling and talking and I just know he's talking to Aiden. Makes me so happy ♥

    Breastfeeding is hard. You're doing a great job with your little man. I hope it gets better for you.

    And you're right- it's crazy to think that these sweet little babies belong to us. It's like you keep waiting for that thing that's going to take them away. I am always jumping up and putting my hand on Mason's chest when he sleeps to make sure he's still breathing. I figure it's gotten me through the last 6.5 months so I'll keep doing what ever I need to in order to feel some peace.

    Thinking of you and your sweet babes ♥

  11. Such a beautiful post... brought tears to my eyes to think of you 4 together - tears of joy and sadness for you. Breast feeding is hard... no-one ever prepares you for that... sure you're doing a great job :) Thinking of you and love to you and both your gorgeous kids xoxo