I'm up late because this is usually the time I am nursing M...he decided to take a late nap and is STILL asleep...I'm guessing this does not mean good things for my sleep. I should be sleeping while he is sleeping, but of course I am wide awake. I'm sure I will get sleepy just about the time he decides to wake up. I'm guessing tomorrow will be a rough one. Even with that I can't help but think about how that is such a wonderful "problem" to have. It's a beautiful thing to be kept awake from his cries and not my own. I will take this "problem" any day of the week.
For the most part M has been sleeping 5-7 hours IN A ROW each night. Of course there is always the off night where he sleeps like 2, but for the most part I have it pretty easy.
Breastfeeding remains my biggest challenge. I am loving every moment except for this one thing and it makes me so sad because I really expected to enjoy it. Sure it would be hard at first, but eventually it would stop hurting and be wonderful...well almost 8 weeks in I can say that I dread it. It is still so painful every time. I don't feel like it is beautiful or that it creates bonding time. It has gotten better as I don't curl my toes or grit my teeth quite as hard, but my breasts hurt all the time and even a hug from someone causes pain. I feel like a jerk for not loving it...I'm so lucky to have enough milk and to have a live baby to feed. I'm not giving up, I know it's best and will continue until my nipples fall off...oh God, please don't let them fall off! So that's my disappointment in my mommy duties, but I'm working on it and I can't complain about a thing because we all know the alternative is a gazillion times worse.
Another BLM told me it took her a couple months to feel like her son belonged to her like at anytime the "real mommy" would come and take him back and I feel like this as well. Mason doesn't feel like he belongs to me. I love him, I'm protective of him, but I constantly feel like he is not mine to keep. I feel like I have been given this amazing gift, this little boy who was entrusted to me, but will be taken back with no notice. I am waiting for this feeling to pass. I know there will always be fear in losing him because I don't have to imagine what it would be like, but I want to feel that he is mine to keep and it is so sad that I can't believe it yet. Maybe I don't feel like he is mine because he "belongs" to Addi. If not for her he would most likely not be here. I can live with the feeling that he belongs to her and she is trusting me to take care of him, but that hasn't sunk in either. In time.
As I was trying to fall asleep I couldn't help, but think about both my babies. My living, breathing son lying next to my side of the bed and then my sweet little girl whose urn is next to her daddy's side of the bed. All four of us together, but also so far apart. I was trying to imagine how things would be if Addi were here. What would she look like, what would her sleeping habits be, would she be gentle with her brother or rough, would she be a mommy's girl or a daddy's girl. Sometimes I can imagine what she would be like, but tonight I can't come up with anything. I'm struggling with the feeling that she was never really here, but I know better. Why can't I still make any sense out of this?!? What was the point of getting her just to have her taken away? I know I will forever wonder.
Tonight I am missing her. I miss her always, but I think this is what is actually keeping me up. So here I am in her space doing the one thing I know that helps me feel closer to her because I can't just go into her room and kiss her goodnight.
Down the hall I can hear her brother giggling in his sleep...it makes me smile. I hope his sister is whispering in his ear. Isn't that a lovely thought?!?
Sorry this is such a ramble. I'm tired and missing Addi and that combination makes my head mush. I can hear M stirring, which makes sense since I am ready for bed, but it's okay. My life with him is SO worth it.