Tuesday, June 5, 2012

18 Months

Eighteen months...a year and a half. Wow. This seems like a big one and maybe that's because it is. Oh the things I would do to have a life that involved my year and a half daughter.

It stings so much to go to the store where I see mothers and daughters. I cringe, I look away and my broken heart breaks just a little bit more. The only thing worse is seeing families with an older girl and then a little brother...I wish that was us.

I've been in a funk thinking about today's milestone. No tears, but they could come at any time. I have been trying to get to the laptop all day. Wanting so badly to get to Addi's space, to feel connected in the way that only this place allows. I can't believe I only wrote two measly posts last month...pathetic. I swore I wouldn't be the one to stop writing once a baby was born and now...ugh. This month will be different...I think...I hope. I was having trouble getting Mason to bed and all I could do was to stare at the clock watching it get closer and closer to midnight. I love that boy, but there was almost a feeling of resentment towards him knowing that I couldn't get to her space because I was too busy with him. I don't really resent him being here, I just wish I could balance it better. My time for her, my time for him, my time for them. When I finally got him down and it was before midnight it was like I took a breath and relaxed that I would make it in time...not that it really matters, but it does to me.

Dear Addison,
A year and a half. So much has changed in that time, but missing you and loving you has stayed the same. This month I haven't been able to write much, but I have been to your headstone 4-5 times a week with your brother...it is just to convenient of a location and making sure your spot looks nice feels like something I can actually do for you.

I get asked so often if your brother is my first and it punches me in the gut every time. I always say no, because you my girl will always be my first. This month your brother hit the 8 lb mark that you will forever be. Without even weighing him, I could tell. That morning I picked him up and I just knew that was how much you were. It was a crazy realization. That weight was so familiar and so wonderful in my arms. Now he outweighs you, which make me sad and grateful all at the same time. Each milestone of your that he passed was like that. Making it to 40 weeks and 5 days with him (even though he was an outside baby for part of that) made me so thankful. On that day I felt like something bad would happen and then when we made it to the next day I took a breath and then was sad that you never got that. It's all hard, mostly wonderful, but really hard.

This life your dad and I are living is so different than what we had imagined. Every day without you there is a clear hole. You are so missed, nothing about having your brother here is a replacement for you. You are both loved so so much.

I love you baby girl.
Love,
mommy

7 comments:

  1. You are no different than any mother of 2...learning how to balance both kids, but I hate that Addison isn't physically here for you to love and take care of. Many thoughts your way on her special day!!!

    Hugs!!!

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  2. I agree with Darcey - all mothers of 2 have to figure out this balance and it's tough and we have a lot of difficult guilt because our other baby's aren't here. We struggled with feelings of resentment early on, but it gets better - it gets so much better.

    18 months stings. I wish it was so different.

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  3. This totally made me cry. How are you so good at putting this all into words? I appreciate your bravery so much. Thinking of you all, and wanting to see you soon. Big hugs.

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  4. Year and a half. That seems like an eternity. And now we're 18+1 day. How is it possible. How is it freaking possible.

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  5. Hugs! I feel these same feelings and I understand where you're coming from. Watching Emily brings me so much joy but also reminds me of what I've missed with Addison.

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  6. 18 months does feel like a huge milestone - you are such a good momma to both your babies <3

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  7. 18 months was a big one for me too. Sending you so much love and strength.
    xo

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