Saturday, May 5, 2012

17 Months

It's been 17 months since our sweet girl was born. This is the first 5th since then that my arms have been full. It's a strange, wonderful, bittersweet feeling. My arms are full, but never full enough...always missing that little girl.

Being back in that hospital with our same nurses and our same doctor, this time for another child. A brother for our little girl. We promised them we would be back and here we were. Such a surreal time. We entered that hospital on a Saturday with Addi and she was born on a Sunday...the same as her brother, but this birth story had a different outcome, one with a heartbeat and a cry. Something I didn't believe would happen until it did and I am still in shock about it.

Now I sit here typing with my little man next to me in his sister's swing. Time seems to be flying by. I can't believe how long it's been since I have been able to blog or comment on the blogs I read. I am still reading, usually in the early morning hours that are spent awake nursing this little boy. These blogs keep me company in those times and remind me how lucky I am to be sleep deprived with sore nipples. It takes me right back to that time when we came home from the hospital without our baby and how I longed to be kept awake by her cries and demands to be fed.

Brian says he sees parts of old me coming back...I remind him that he is sleep deprived as well and probably imagining such things. Having Mason here doesn't make me feel fixed or healed. He does bring love and happiness. The part that fills my heart the most is seeing Brian and my family with Mason.  They love him for being Addison's little brother and they love him just for him. To see their excitement over sharing Mason news with their friends both fill and breaks my heart as that was stolen from them once before.

Each new thing with Mason is so bittersweet. I enjoy each moment, but also find so much heartache in it. Silly things like going to the pediatrician and filling out forms with HIS name, getting HIS birth certificate, HIS social security number, getting calls confirming HIS appointments...all things my Addi never got. Yesterday the pediatrician's office called and asked if they were speaking to Mason's took me a second before it registered that was me. I am his mom, but I am her mom too...but I know I will never get the call asking if I am Addi's mom. It's all such a jumble of emotions.

I'm getting off track, I just have so much too say and never any time to get to the computer. I may have given up my daily shower just for this time!

17 months and I am in love with a boy, but that love takes nothing away from my first love. I miss her just the same as I always have. I miss her for me, I miss her for all of us. I miss the big sister that should be here too. I miss her...

Dear Addi,
It's been 17 months and you finally have a sibling. I'm sure this is old news to you as you have been watching over us this entire time. I am so sad and jealous for you that you don't get to be here physically in this family who loves you so much. That we can't shower you with the same attention that we are able to do with your brother. I couldn't have a better little brother myself and when I look at Mason he looks just like your Uncle Alex, I have to believe you would have been over the moon with him as well. Little brothers are so special.

I'm sure if you were here we would be struggling with how to balance a 17 month old and a newborn, but that is a problem I would love to have. I am so thankful for every moment we have with your brother, I wish we could have had more time with you. Your time with us was so short, but just as precious...maybe even more so.

Coming home from the hospital with your little brother was a feeling I had waited a lifetime for. Something I will never take for granted. All I wanted to do was get him home, hoping that would make things feel more real, but there was one stop we had to make first. We had to stop and visit your spot. Not your normal "first visit" for a newborn, but normal for us is much different these days.

You are always on our minds. We are living life without you because we have to, but we are living. I love you baby girl.
Mason's first visit...this is a picture I would never post on Facebook...people just wouldn't understand.


  1. Good to get an update from you. We did our first cemetery visit last weekend once I could stand up straight (lol) from my c-section. It was something no one should ever have to do.

  2. LOVE the picture and the bear...i bawled my eyes out when I brought Layton to visit Logan. It was harder than I expected. I agree anniversaries are what they are...still filled with sadness, but it is nice to glance over at their younger siblings and know that we can share all the love we have for our angels with our living children.

    Thinking of you and Addi on this day.

  3. I posted a similar one on FB because I didn't really care what people thought about it.

    For me, the bittersweet gets better and easier too, with time. I mean, it's tough those first few weeks when you are sleep deprived and super duper hormonal (uh, there was an incident where Joe came back into our hospital room to find me holding Lucas and sobbing...). I have also found that definitely I am closer to the old me now than I ever have been. I think there is something very very healing about bringing home a healthy rainbow, but just like grieving takes so much time, the healing does too, and it may be awhile to even recognize it. But oh, those first couple months are pretty emotional and raw. Hang in there. Let me know if you need any tips for nursing or anything. What is your name on Facebook?

  4. What a beautiful, precious photo. Toby's first outing was to visit his sister too (like Molly, I had recover from my section first) and it was so very important.

    You express amazingly well the balancing act between love and grief and joy and healing and holding a sacred space.

  5. That last line made me so sad. Because we're still sort of known as freaks in the rest of the world. :/

    During the beginning weeks with B, I was surprised how things worked. Like, specific things that happened in the hospital I never experienced with Andrew (even the exit we took was different than the rest of the folks), receiving B's birth cert, SS card, and definitely receiving the calls for Benjamin and being called Benjamin's mom. No one ever called me Andrew's mom aloud that wasn't a friend or family. It all hit me-- wow. I really, really was cheated out of everything.

    Thankful to hear Mason is doing well.

  6. So good to hear from you, and glad Mason is doing well. I anticipate the first few weeks will be really challenging, as you grieve freshly for all the things you missed with Addi, even as you're so grateful to get to experience them with Mason. Thinking of you, and both your babies.

  7. I love the picture and I'm sure Addi does too, just like she loves her little brother. Can't wait to come see you all!

  8. I had lots of similar feelings and sentiments. It does get easier with time, but then sometimes it's hard to accept that - it's like you don't want it to get easier because it should always sting that your baby is gone.

    But I'm glad you have sprinkles of happiness - you absolutely deserve that.

  9. The picture made me tear up - it is just so bittersweet. Glad you and Mason are well, and everything you said makes so much sense. You are doing a great job being a mommy to both of them!

  10. Glad to hear your Mason is doing well.
    I've always said I don't think I'll fully grieve till I know what I've missed. All those things I never had or will ever get with Amelia, I know once I welcome this new one a sense of sadness will be present amongst the joy and happiness.
    Sending lots of love. Di xx

  11. Wonderful to hear that all is well with Mason... been thinking of you all xoxo

  12. So glad to hear that you guys are doing well. It is crazy when those "firsts" start to happen. I also remember being called Mason's mom for the first time when his doctor's office called to confirm an appointment. It took my breath away. No one except my BLM friends, a few close IRL friends, and family call me Aiden's mom. I hate that I don't hear that on the regular. I remember the first time I filled out papers with his name on it. After we lost Aiden one thought in my mind was that I would never get to write his name down on school registration papers, or swim lesson sign up forms. Broke my heart. Yesterday I signed Mason up for swim lessons and it stung quite a bit that I wasn't able to do that for Aiden. Everything I do now with Mason reminds me of what I missed with Aiden. I suspect this will be something that happens for the rest of my life.

    Thinking of you and your sweet babies. I love the picture of them together ♥

  13. Love you, little family...

  14. Beautiful photo. Thinking of you all. Xoxo

  15. That is such an amazing photo!!! I am so glad to hear that a little bit of the old you is coming back. Looking forward to more Mason pics and posts as well.

  16. Your words always really touch me. Thanks for posting. I need to get back in to blogging but school is eating up any time I would have had for blogging. Someday....I feel like there's so much to share. But reading your posts is sometimes like someone is saying it all for me. Cute little man there next to his big sis. And who cares what people think. I posted the pic of Emily next to Addi's grave and if it offended anyone then they can delete me. That's where we have to go to be with her and if we want a family picture then people have to accept that our family pics include a headstone. I always felt the same about hearing I'm "Emily's mom". Weird and hard to get use to. And there is an angry side when you don't get to hear "Addison's mom". I get angry when I feel like the world doesn't acknowledge her.
    Side note: Sorry about the sore nipples! I thought I was going to die and they say it gets better. It does, just takes a LONG time. Take care Addi and Mason's mommy!

  17. Love the picture! So happy that you're able to experience the late night feedings and all the amazing baby stuff. I'm sorry that you weren't able to have that with Addi. I have felt several of those bittersweet moments with Addalee while missing Caroline. Sometimes that balance is easier to manage than others, but we'll get there! Can't wait to hear more about Addi's little brother!

  18. "17 months and I am in love with a boy, but that love takes nothing away from my first love.". Yup, that pretty much covers it.

    Thinking of you momma. :)