Being back in that hospital with our same nurses and our same doctor, this time for another child. A brother for our little girl. We promised them we would be back and here we were. Such a surreal time. We entered that hospital on a Saturday with Addi and she was born on a Sunday...the same as her brother, but this birth story had a different outcome, one with a heartbeat and a cry. Something I didn't believe would happen until it did and I am still in shock about it.
Now I sit here typing with my little man next to me in his sister's swing. Time seems to be flying by. I can't believe how long it's been since I have been able to blog or comment on the blogs I read. I am still reading, usually in the early morning hours that are spent awake nursing this little boy. These blogs keep me company in those times and remind me how lucky I am to be sleep deprived with sore nipples. It takes me right back to that time when we came home from the hospital without our baby and how I longed to be kept awake by her cries and demands to be fed.
Brian says he sees parts of old me coming back...I remind him that he is sleep deprived as well and probably imagining such things. Having Mason here doesn't make me feel fixed or healed. He does bring love and happiness. The part that fills my heart the most is seeing Brian and my family with Mason. They love him for being Addison's little brother and they love him just for him. To see their excitement over sharing Mason news with their friends both fill and breaks my heart as that was stolen from them once before.
Each new thing with Mason is so bittersweet. I enjoy each moment, but also find so much heartache in it. Silly things like going to the pediatrician and filling out forms with HIS name, getting HIS birth certificate, HIS social security number, getting calls confirming HIS appointments...all things my Addi never got. Yesterday the pediatrician's office called and asked if they were speaking to Mason's mom...it took me a second before it registered that was me. I am his mom, but I am her mom too...but I know I will never get the call asking if I am Addi's mom. It's all such a jumble of emotions.
I'm getting off track, I just have so much too say and never any time to get to the computer. I may have given up my daily shower just for this time!
17 months and I am in love with a boy, but that love takes nothing away from my first love. I miss her just the same as I always have. I miss her for me, I miss her for all of us. I miss the big sister that should be here too. I miss her...
It's been 17 months and you finally have a sibling. I'm sure this is old news to you as you have been watching over us this entire time. I am so sad and jealous for you that you don't get to be here physically in this family who loves you so much. That we can't shower you with the same attention that we are able to do with your brother. I couldn't have a better little brother myself and when I look at Mason he looks just like your Uncle Alex, I have to believe you would have been over the moon with him as well. Little brothers are so special.
I'm sure if you were here we would be struggling with how to balance a 17 month old and a newborn, but that is a problem I would love to have. I am so thankful for every moment we have with your brother, I wish we could have had more time with you. Your time with us was so short, but just as precious...maybe even more so.
Coming home from the hospital with your little brother was a feeling I had waited a lifetime for. Something I will never take for granted. All I wanted to do was get him home, hoping that would make things feel more real, but there was one stop we had to make first. We had to stop and visit your spot. Not your normal "first visit" for a newborn, but normal for us is much different these days.
You are always on our minds. We are living life without you because we have to, but we are living. I love you baby girl.
|Mason's first visit...this is a picture I would never post on Facebook...people just wouldn't understand.|