Sunday, April 8, 2012

Another Easter

Another Easter...another Easter without a baby in our arms. Three years ago we announced that we were pregnant with a baby themed Easter basket. I was still so early in my pregnancy with Addison, but also very sure I would never celebrate another Easter without a child. Here we are 2 Easters since then and still no baby in our arms. Easter makes me think of Addison, but then again EVERYTHING makes me think of her.

This year instead of Easter dresses, baskets and pictures with a creepy bunny I decorated her headstone...Happy freaking Easter!

The day started off okay. Brian, my brother, sister and I went to church together. Our mom was there too, but she teaches Sunday School and never gets to sit with us. It's been a while since I have been back to this between pregnancies I think. It's not so much a problem with God as it is not having found the right fit in a new church. I love the people at this one, but there are other issues that make me hate it.

We went to first service in hopes of seeing our favorite people and because it's the old people service. There are very few young people that go to this service and usually no kids...usually. But because this is MY story there were kids at this service. Four to be exact...guess how many were little girls...ALL OF THEM!!! We just so happened to be sitting next to a family with not one, not two, but THREE blond little girls fml. Brian and my sister kept staring at them while I tried to ignore them as much as possible. Ugh.

After church we went to my parent's house and it was a beyond beautiful day. Our first 70 degree day in 7 months! I can't remember the last nice Easter we have had. And then I started to get really sad because this would have been the first Easter for Addison to egg hunt and it would have been perfect for her. She would have been able to run around the grass in her pretty dress without a coat and it would have been magical....would have been.

It was a nice day with my family, but it's just not the same when the youngest child at the house is 18. It just isn't. My parent's neighbor saw me outside and made the comment that "this time next year" we will have a little one running around....yeah I thought that before and we still have nothing. I'm just not able to be as sure as everyone else.

On the way home we stopped at Addi's spot and for the first time since her stone has been there I noticed someone moved all her decorations. I was beyond pissed. I quickly moved everything back, but was just seething that someone would dare to touch my little girl's things. I knew it would happen eventually, but I just didn't need that today. Brian jokingly asked if I wanted to put up surveillance to track down the assailant...I kinda do! ha!

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight so I climbed out of bed (after explaining to Brian that everything was fine) and decided to write. I do have to share that when we first got into bed Brian turned off the lights and then I heard something fall. He said a quiet "uh oh...I think that was Addison" I was like WHAT?!?! You see when we turned the nursery into Mason's room I took her bootie urn off the shelf and moved it to Brian's nightstand. It's not going to "live" there forever, but it's been a good spot (until now). Anyways he quickly turned on the light and picked it up. After finding out that it was okay I started laughing. I told him that if she were to fall of the bed/counter of course it would be while he was in charge. He didn't find it as funny, but hey sometimes this dark humor is all I have!
The basket we made to announce to our family we were pregnant in 2010. We bought both boy and girl things and I have now anticipated using both the boy things and the girl...hopefully we will actually get to use the boy things unlike the girl things that have been boxed up. We look so young and blissfully happy...oh yeah, that's because we were...once upon a time.


  1. So sorry that Easter is especially hard and filled with memories of Addison... thinking of you and hope next Easter is a little easier xoxo

  2. Easter was hard for me too. Ugh, when will this get easier??

  3. The Easter basket was such a great way to announce your pregnancy- so cute.

    I would have laughed at the bootie thing too, totally my sense of humor, however dark it may seem.

  4. I didn't know about your Addi connection with Easter. I'm sorry. :*( everything seems to have to be so hard, but these holidays hat end up being child-centric are the hardest. Sending you big hugs today, and hope we'll get to see you Thursday night. Xoxo!

  5. Yes, Easter egg hunts can suck it (this year at least). And yes, dark humor is horrible and hilarious at the same time.

  6. It's soothing somehow, to know that we are not the only ones affected by Easter. Blah! Here's to peaceful times for us all, moving forward.

  7. Last year, Easter hit me hard. I wasn't expecting it, but it was rough. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that again. This year was very different...but I still turn my eyes away from little girls who are about a year and a half old. Seems like there's always one around!

    I totally get your dark humor! It's funny that Brian doesn't have it like you do...neither does my hubby! Oh well! :)

  8. I was thinking the same about Easter this year - it might have been the first holiday that Elizabeth could actually understand/get into a little bit. My husband and I both had visions of her toddling around and putting things in her Easter basket. We ended up avoiding any place with little girls in Easter dresses. Blah :(

    Love the dark humor, though.