What a month this has been, emotions have been everywhere...although I suppose that is not new. I told your dad yesterday that I would be happy when the 4th and 5th were over for this month because they would be the last 4th and 5th I would have to be pregnant with your brother. I feared two things, losing your brother on those dates or going into labor on your dates. Either way now that there is less than an hour until the 6th I feel a little lighter.
Your room is no longer pink...and is no longer *your* room. It's so hard to know it's gone, but I think you would be happy with the way it looks for your brother. Even though you never came home to that room, it will always feel special to me for you.
This month I think I spent more time at your headstone, but really I don't keep track of how often I visit so maybe I am always there that often. Your spot is decorated for Easter and you even have a new solar flower from Josh and Therese, you are so loved my sweet girl. I have a hard time finding the balance between having enough things for you and also wanting it to look clean and not cluttered. Everything for you must be just so.
Yesterday I got some really good news and I feel lighter and better than I have since....well maybe since before we lost you. Even with it being the 4th and 5th I have found myself smiling bigger than I have in months. Several people have commented that I look like "old me". Old me is gone, but it does feel good to worry a little less! I still have your brother to worry about and that is more than enough.
I really can't believe that 16 months later we are finally to the month that we have been waiting for since we lost you. It's plan B for sure, but the only one we have to work with. As we labored in the hospital with you, we told the doctor and nurse we would be back and here we are almost ready to make good on that promise. It doesn't feel real and I still just want a do-over with you.
I know you will be with us as we go through this next chapter...as we go through every chapter, but it's just not enough, I want more, I want all of you.
It's extra hard for me when the 5th falls on a Thursday. I have come to think of Thursday as your brother's day and when I posted about 36 weeks for him today I knew I HAD to post for you tonight even though I have no time for the computer. It's almost midnight, but I will post for you. As I took my 36 week photo tonight all I could think about was what did I look like at this time with you. I found the picture so I could post them side by side.
I love you my girl, you are always on my mind. I miss you so.
|36 weeks with Addison|
|36 weeks with Mason...if I look extra tired here, it's because I am!|