This was my very first NST (non-stress test) I have had this pregnancy. I have been dreading it because the last NST I had made my whole world come crashing down.
My NST's are scheduled twice a week until Mason is born. One NST a week I have to go to on my own because Brian can't get the time off work. I haven't gone to a single appointment without him, let alone THE appointment I went to where they couldn't find Addison's heartbeat.
My first NST was on a "no Brian day" um seriously...what the hell was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't. I was really nervous when I got up this morning. Luckily Mason was squirming around in my belly so I knew at the very least he was alive.
Brian left for work and I left on my own to the appointment feeling...scared, anxious, lost etc. I checked in at the OB's office and also asked for a copy of my last ultrasound results. I waited for my name to be called and read over my results. They looked good as far as I could tell.
A nurse I have never seen before called me back to the NST room. Now the last NST I had where they couldn't find Addi's heartbeat was at the hospital so this wasn't THE room, but it was the room where I had the only NST where Addi was alive and well. I hadn't been in that room since my daughter was alive. It felt odd in there. The nurse was chatty and and I am sure a little confused why I looked like I was about to pass out.
When she asked how I was, I said I was nervous. I tried telling her that the last NST I had they couldn't find my daughter's heartbeat, but she went on and on about how that happens often and she would get me all hooked up...no lady I mean they NEVER found it! After a couple more attempts I finally had to spell it out, my daughter is DEAD, this baby is my son, my second pregnancy. Then she felt terrible...I didn't mean to make her feel bad, but she just wasn't getting it. As if no one warned her about me.
She found Mason's heartbeat right away and I have to say I was quite pleased with how well he cooperated the entire test. The nurse kept coming back to look at the print out and every time would say "look how pretty". Like she wanted me to know how well things were looking.
When she left me the first time, she asked me to drink the water I had brought with me. So I did. All of it! It was cold and I couldn't help, but notice how the cold felt as it went down my throat and then as a contrast how warm the tears felt that streamed down both sides of my face.
I was quiet about it, no ugly cry, but I cried through the entire test. I couldn't help, but think that the last time I was in THIS chair in THIS room staring at THESE tiles on the ceiling I was listening to my perfectly healthy ALIVE baby girl. If only I had known that her passing that test with flying colors would mean she would be gone 3 short days later. Those tiles really made the tears flow.
|my ceiling "view"|
These tests don't make me feel better. I still want to do them, but do I think they will keep Mason safe, oh hells no. Nothing will.
When the test was over the nurse commented on how great the results were, that they don't usually see such great cooperation. On one hand I was thankful not to have anything new to worry about, but on the other hand I know that doesn't guarantee me a take home baby.
My one shining moment came when I heard my doctor was back in the country today. Maybe I will sleep a little better knowing he is here if I need him.
33+ weeks pregnant and it is just getting harder. I seriously think I suffer from NST PTSD among other things!