Monday, March 12, 2012

Baby Steps

So this weekend I actually got a lot accomplished...not a lot by a normal person's standards, but a lot for a BLM's standards.
Saturday my sister came over and we worked a little in the nursery. Cleaning/organizing and we got all the clothes for Mason in a pile and washed everything...I still miss the pink lint ...the blue looked a lot like when I wash Brian and my clothes. I also folded them and separated by size. That night we went to the Goodwill to drop off a load of stuff and also went out and bought some baby boy wrapping paper to line the inside of the dresser drawers.

Sunday I spent a little more time in there and and lined the drawers with the new blue paper and put the clothes away. I decided to leave the pink under the blue and not take it out completely...feels a little better that way.

That was the extent of the work I could handle. I thought I might actually try and shop a little for Mason. I was going to go by myself, but my mom happened to be available to go with me, which was way better.

We went to 4 different places and found a few cute things for just Mason. It felt weird to shop for him...I can't really explain it. My mom bought everything we picked, which was SO nice!  It was wonderful and sad for me to see her in the grandma role that has been stolen from her.

We both had a hard time steering away from the pink side of the aisles...especially with Easter season upon us...holy Easter dresses, bonnets and gloves oh my! I wish I didn't love those things SO much.

I wish I could have been more excited about what we were doing, but the tears felt too close for comfort. The thought of shopping for toddler sundresses and sandals was all too "in my face".

We decided to meet up with Brian and my dad since they had been chopping wood ALL day for our fireplace. We went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. It was a nice end to the day.

My friend who is planning the baby shower sent me a text freaking out because we were originally planning it for THIS Sunday and now we waited too long to send out invites. My mom and I were checking the calendar and there really isn't a great time between now and our due date...I don't really want to have it once Mason is here because well...that's a lot of germs in one room! Plus I want to be able to buy what we need before he gets here and I need to know ahead of time what it is that we need.

We decided to send out emails and just see if by chance anyone would be available Sunday to do this. I wound up getting a lot more yes answers than I expected. Holy procrastination batman! I actually think this might be the best case scenario...I won't have too much time to stress about it and it will be smaller because not everyone will be able to come. It just might work! I really just want cake and friends so this is perfect.

Once Brian and I got home we were ready for bed! He was exhausted from the physical aspect and I was drained from the emotional aspect. Not 2 minutes after climbing into bed I could hear Brian's breathing switch to that "sleep" breathing and that's when the tears started to flow. I tried to cry as quietly as possible, but after almost an hour I need to get more tissues and not hold it in so much. I quietly got up to move to the couch, but it woke Brian up (he always freaks out when I get up) I think because I switched rooms that night with Addison, he is always worried when I leave. I told him I was having a "sad" night and needed some time, which he seemed to understand.

When I got out to the couch (I still can't sleep in our perfectly wonderful and comfortable guest room since that's the last place Addison was alive) I grabbed the box of tissues and let it fly. I just kept thinking about how much I miss Addison and the life we should be living. I kept thinking how ironic it was that it was MY crying that was keeping me up and not hers. After a really good cry I slept on and off until 2AM and then moved back to the bedroom.

I really could have used a personal day, but I can't waste my leave time. I made it to work and pushed through the day. We had our follow up ultrasound this afternoon and it went well. We still have to wait for the radiologist to go over our scans, but our tech. was very pleased with what she saw. Her excitement over the scan made me feel good. Our doctor appointment is Friday so hopefully we will get to talk about it then.

I actually feel like I took a few "baby" steps in the right direction this weekend even with the massive crying episode.


  1. Wow... Good news on the baby shower! I think that will be best case scenario like u said. And wow at the Mason gear!! I guess since my stuff is in place and has been for 21 months it doesn't seem like we have as much stuff but I guess we do. I certainly have not been able to go out and shop for him, which has seemed strange but I've gotten some stuff online. It just doesn't make it seem as real that way for some reason. Glad your mom went with you. My parents have not gotten excited this time--I think they are scared. I love your parents and sister and how they support you!!! And great news about the ultrasound! I know you must feel relief! I had a crying spell today that seemed to come out of nowhere... Sometimes we just need to get it out. Six ish weeks to go... We can do it!

  2. Thoughts of our little ones' lives that could have been can be so overwhelming sometimes... my heart is with you and so sorry that you've had a tough few days. You haven't just taken small steps... organizing your nursery is huge. That must have been so emotional... then to go shopping... and organise a baby shower... all of this is huge. Be gentle on yourself. Great that your US went well... love to you and bub xoxo

  3. Good for you! I'm glad you were able to take some baby steps. I hope your shower goes well on Sunday. These are sweet memories you are creating for little Mason - you won't regret it.

  4. I think you can use the BLM thing as an excuse for the late invites ;) ("wanted to wait and make sure everything was still going smoothly, etc.) Are they going to be monitoring you with NST's soon? (I think they usually start at 32 weeks though I started them at 28 which was a disaster since Luke failed them every time.) It has never even occurred to me to line the drawers! Oh well. I hope your shower turns out perfectly.

  5. Wow, that is so much big stuff in one weekend! I'm amazed by the things you are able to do with this pregnancy (classes, baby shower). Really glad the US looks like good news.

  6. You had a VERY productive weekend :) That is interesting that your husband gets anxious when you wake up in the middle of the night. Mine feels better when I am waking up all the time and uncomfortable, because I slept really well the 2 nights before we found out Kayla's heart had stopped. I think it's sweet when they are so aware of something little like that. Can't wait to see pictures from your shower!

  7. Wow, girlfriend, you've been busy and have tackled some big stuff! Sending you much love always...

  8. Love that you are able to get Mason's stuff done and have so much support around you.

    Let the tears flow...I think we are forever destined to have these outbursts/meltdowns because the littlest thing will always remind us that someone very special is missing. I am surprised by the ache I still get in my heart for Logan and at the strangest times...what I would do to be able to have both of my boys here! You are getting so close!!!

  9. Wow! You've been SUPER productive! In my pregnancy with Addalee, I don't feel like I accomplished hardly anything! You're knocking it out...way to go.

    So glad the shower is going to work out in the least stressful way. I think you'll be happy that you did it.

    Sorry that you had a sad night, but I'm glad that you allowed yourself to cry.

    Can't wait to hear what the doctor says about Mason's most recent scan. So glad that the tech felt good about it.

  10. You are doing so well lady. I know it's all so terrifying, but you are doing so well and are being so brave. Pink lint is awfully sweet- I miss the baby-blue stuff myself. :(

    I think this baby shower is the best-case situation- enough time for people to be able to plan to celebrate you + Mason, but not enough time to be anxious and worry too much about the day approaching. :)

  11. Baby steps are great! You do what you can and take things one day at a time. It sounds like you are doing just fine. Will be thinking about you and the shower this weekend ((hugs)).

    Oh and I love that you left the pink paper under the new blue paper ♥ A little piece of both of your babies ♥