Monday, March 5, 2012

15 Months

Our 8 pound teddy bear
Fifteen months of missing her. Each month feels like such a big number and this month is no different. I can't say that today feels any heavier than any other day, but I did feel more aware that the 5th was coming this month. Like each time I looked at the calender I willed the world to skip over it...much like if it were a "Leap Year" kind of date...if we could only have the 4th and 5th come by 4 times a year or even once every 4 years...that seems a bit easier to handle. No such luck though because here we are again.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I heard on the news that a 15 month old girl had died. My first thought was not "oh those poor parents" or "I can't believe it" it was simply, oh what I would have done to have 15 months with my girl. Of course my heart is broken for her family, but I can't help, but be jealous of the 15 months they got that we didn't.

We have spent more time this month with babies around Addison's age and while I can enjoy them for the children they are, it is so hard not to picture the missing girl that belongs to me. I struggle with the fact that I feel like I belong so much more in their world than that of my friends with newborns. Here I missed out on everything and should be looking forward to the wonder that is a newborn and yet I find myself so sad to be in a place that feels like we should be past already. I should be missing those stages, not anticipating them.  I want to spend this summer swimming in the lake with my toddler, going to the park, going for walks and walking slow enough that our daughter can walk herself, but at the same time running from here to there to catch up to my curious child. Don't get me wrong, I am ever so grateful to have a second chance to have a child, it just doesn't feel like where I am supposed to be.

I have to say this 15th month was not as hard as some. Still no fun, but just slightly easier than the last. I know there is no rhyme or reason to them and just because this one was slightly better doesn't mean anything for the next. It is what it is (my stand by phrase).

Friday we got our Addi bear in the mail from Molly Bears (handmade bears stuffed with the exact weight of your child). It came while I was at work and Brian was home. He sent me a text with a picture of the box. I asked him to please open it and send me a picture as soon as possible. I have been feeling especially anxious to get it. I really wanted it here before Mason came...not really sure why, but it was something nagging at me. I had signed up for one in January 2011. Finally it was here! I was really worried about what it would look like...I am more into the simple looking teddy bear than the overly bedazzled looking ones. While I was just thankful to have it, it's hard not to want a certain thing especially when it is associated with your child.
Brian sent me a picture and while it was wearing clothes and had a rose ironed to the front, it looked almost as I had hoped. Brian text me that he couldn't believe how heavy it was and that he didn't remember Addi feeling so big. His text to me "it's kinda cool" aka he was surprised that it was nice to feel her weight again. I couldn't wait to get home to hold it too. Once I got home the first thing I did was take off the clothes (it's not about thinking it's a baby to me, just to feel the weight is all I wanted). Holding that bear in my arms was a strange/wonderful feeling. I am really glad to have it. I don't really know what I will do with it or where it will go, but having it feels nice.
At any rate, it was an extremely nice gift to come home to and I am so appreciative to Molly Bears for sending it. It's not just anywhere you can get an 8 pound bear!

Dear Addi,
I miss you so, so much. I continue to ache for the life that should have been ours. I continue to dream about the way things could have been. I can't help it, you are constantly on my mind. The closer we get to your brother the harder it is to believe and accept that this really is our life. Still so lost on how we got here. I am dealing with so many emotions. So thankful to get another chance at parenting a living child and in the same breath I can't believe he could possibly come home with us either...if you didn't, why will he be able to?!? None of it makes any sense.

Yesterday I stood in the middle of your room...your brother's room and it looks like a bomb went off in there. It used to be my favorite room of the house and now everything is so out of place. Still so many of your things, but also a mix of your brothers. None of it seems to really belong. I stood there for a good 20 minutes just trying to take everything in and decide where to start. Last weekend when your dad's friends spent the night I did something I never do...I closed your door. Not because I was worried about them feeling uncomfortable, but because I was embarrassed on how disorganized it had become. Your dad came home and noticed right away, I could tell he didn't like having your room shut. I really want all your things meticulously organized so they are easy to find and easy to get to, but that seems like more than I have to give at this point. If I can't do your things at 100%, I don't do them. Then there is the part of me that wants to get things ready for your brother, but I just can't. At this point of 31 weeks pregnant with you, that room was perfectly set up for you and it doesn't seem right that it has so far to go before being ready for Mason. I'm not going to force it, it will happen when it happens.

I'm still waiting to dream of you, to see you alive in some way. I have dreamed of your brother twice. I'm not sure why I can't see you. I'll keep waiting and hoping.

It's been so nice to have your headstone complete. I visit often and it is always decorated. This month you are all decked out for St. Patrick's Day and yes we are actually Irish...there is some in there somewhere! This month is one that makes me smile as it is the month we found out we were pregnant with you. I can't believe this will be our first "2 year" milestone. Seems like such a long/happy time ago. Love you baby girl.
Love,
mommy

4 comments:

  1. Omg I cannot wait for my Molly Bear to arrive!! So jealous! I'm still a couple hundred away. :( can't wait to see a pic of yours!

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  2. Aww, she's really cute! I know what you mean about having the bear be just so. The pink and purple bears that they do make me smile every time, but I was hoping I wouldn't get one of those. I was very pleased with my scruffy, plainly decorated bears. I caught Paul holding them tonight when I came in the room, the first time I've seen him hold them since the day they arrived. They do mean so very much. It would be important that I had a physical reminder of my babies before the arrival of a rainbow, just to validate that they existed, they had weight and a physical presence. Hopefully Mason will enjoy his sister bear and find comfort in her presence, too.

    xoxo!

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  3. Such a beautiful post... my heart is with you. You've been through so much... Addi will be with you forever and so lovely that you have a gorgeous bear to hold in her memory. I admire your strength and you're an amazing mum :) Love to you always xoxo

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  4. "Don't get me wrong, I am ever so grateful to have a second chance to have a child, it just doesn't feel like where I am supposed to be."

    Yes, yes, yes. That's exactly the way I felt this weekend. My husband and I were in the car, and talking about my pregnancy and happier days ahead, and I just started crying because we are SUPPOSED to have a 15-month-old girl in the backseat. We are SUPPOSED to be looking forward to a summer full of parks and swim lessons and sundresses. I'm thrilled with the hope that we'll be welcoming a newborn baby this summer, but I'm almost a year and a half behind where I am supposed to be. And I miss my girl so much every day.

    Glad you have that sweet bear as a memento of your Addi. I love that it's a tangible way to hold on to her, and something you can share with her little brother. Thinking of you.

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