Here are a couple things that have come up, I couldn't think of a good way to segue so here are my ramblings.
Last week I had someone ask me when I was due. I told her and she preceded to ask me all sorts of questions regarding this baby. She knows about Addison, but clearly doesn't get it. Her conversation had the tone behind it of "yeah something bad happened before, but it was a fluke and everything will be just fine now". She asked the question I hate the most "are you excited". I can't bring myself to lie and say yes, but when you don't say yes, you get this look of shock followed by so many questions. My answer is usually something like "I know I am supposed to be excited, but I am just too scared". She then followed up by asking me if I got pregnant again too soon. Wow lady, you have some balls to ask me that question like it is any of your damn business. That answer was easy for me. NO! We waited 9 months after Addison to conceive this baby and whether it had been 9 months or 9 years I never ever would have been ready for this. It is the second hardest thing I have ever done (next to losing Addison) and I expected it to be. Going into the ttc process knowing you could be setting yourself up to lose another child is NEVER something you could be ready for, but the chance for a living baby outweighs the very scary risk.
Our conversation really never got better. She asked if we were having a boy or a girl and when I said boy she went on to tell me how much she loves her son...and her daughter who is her first. Yeah lady I get it, you got to keep BOTH your daughter and your son. Thanks for that. She is the kind of person who talks 100 miles a minute and it's hard to get a word in. In her conversation she threw in the dreaded "everything happens for a reason" bullshit. I was ready to give her my answer for that, but she never shut up. By the time she had finished her thought, that comments was long passed. I felt like it would be awkward to go back to it so I let it go...big mistake! It ruined the rest of my day and I was seriously angry for the next 2 hours. God, I HATE that comment! If I had a dollar for everyone that has ever said "everything happens for a reason" I wouldn't have any dollars, but there would be a ton of people choking on their dollars that I shoved down their throat! Okay, I am done with that tangent. The lesson I learned from that is no matter how lost those comments get in a conversation I will ALWAYS go back and correct them because it isn't worth feeling the way I do without saying anything.
Next topic. Yesterday I went to the bank. As the teller is helping me with my transaction I am almost finished and thinking that if she was going to ask about my belly she would have done so in the beginning so I am almost home free. Just as I am leaving she asks me when my baby is due. SO CLOSE! I always fumble with my words as I am not really comfortable talking about Mason to strangers. I managed to get out May 3rd. That wasn't the end. She asked more questions and it went something like this:
Teller: Do you know what you are having?
Me: A boy (short sweet and to the point right)
Teller: Oh a little boy! Is he your first?
Teller: Is your first a girl?
Teller: Do you have a name for your son?
Teller: and what's your daughter's name?
Teller: one girl and one boy, you just have the perfect little family don't you?!?!
Me: Mmmm hmmm (give her a half smile and turn around and leave as quickly as possible).
All I kept thinking was jeez lady if you only knew along with keep walking and don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
I was glad that she asked about BOTH of my children. It was nice to say Addison's name along with Mason's. I suppose on paper I do have the "perfect family" one girl and one boy, that's like the American dream or some crap, but when you look closer and read the fine print, it's not so "perfect".
Next topic. This morning as I was driving to work, I passed the cemetery (as I do every morning). As I glance over I can see them setting up for a funeral. I am thinking please oh please don't be in the baby area. As I get closer I can see it IS in the baby area at this point I am swearing in my car. I am just so mad that another family is going through this. My heart broke in a million pieces for them because I know how very long this road is that they are on. My next thought was hoping they aren't taking the spot next to Addison...because what if WE need it. It's a terrible thought to have and yet I am so worried the spot next to her will be gone just in case. Knowing that it was empty felt like some sort of deranged insurance. I was fighting tears the whole way into work. Just so sad for that family and worried and that damn spot. Work can't get over fast enough. I will be headed there straight from work! We also have our first Pregnancy after loss meeting tonight and I am really hoping it will be helpful because I am feeling pretty helpless! Okay I think I got most the important things off my chest, hopefully today will go a little smoother.