Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ramblings

Here are a couple things that have come up, I couldn't think of a good way to segue so here are my ramblings.

Last week I had someone ask me when I was due. I told her and she preceded to ask me all sorts of questions regarding this baby. She knows about Addison, but clearly doesn't get it. Her conversation had the tone behind it of "yeah something bad happened before, but it was a fluke and everything will be just fine now". She asked the question I hate the most "are you excited". I can't bring myself to lie and say yes, but when you don't say yes, you get this look of shock followed by so many questions. My answer is usually something like "I know I am supposed to be excited, but I am just too scared". She then followed up by asking me if I got pregnant again too soon. Wow lady, you have some balls to ask me that question like it is any of your damn business. That answer was easy for me. NO! We waited 9 months after Addison to conceive this baby and whether it had been 9 months or 9 years I never ever would have been ready for this. It is the second hardest thing I have ever done (next to losing Addison) and I expected it to be. Going into the ttc process knowing you could be setting yourself up to lose another child is NEVER something you could be ready for, but the chance for a living baby outweighs the very scary risk.

Our conversation really never got better. She asked if we were having a boy or a girl and when I said boy she went on to tell me how much she loves her son...and her daughter who is her first. Yeah lady I get it, you got to keep BOTH your daughter and your son. Thanks for that. She is the kind of person who talks 100 miles a minute and it's hard to get a word in. In her conversation she threw in the dreaded "everything happens for a reason" bullshit. I was ready to give her my answer for that, but she never shut up. By the time she had finished her thought, that comments was long passed. I felt like it would be awkward to go back to it so I let it go...big mistake! It ruined the rest of my day and I was seriously angry for the next 2 hours. God, I HATE that comment! If I had a dollar for everyone that has ever said "everything happens for a reason" I wouldn't have any dollars, but there would be a ton of people choking on their dollars that I shoved down their throat! Okay, I am done with that tangent. The lesson I learned from that is no matter how lost those comments get in a conversation I will ALWAYS go back and correct them because it isn't worth feeling the way I do without saying anything.

Next topic. Yesterday I went to the bank. As the teller is helping me with my transaction I am almost finished and thinking that if she was going to ask about my belly she would have done so in the beginning so I am almost home free. Just as I am leaving she asks me when my baby is due. SO CLOSE! I always fumble with my words as I am not really comfortable talking about Mason to strangers. I managed to get out May 3rd. That wasn't the end. She asked more questions and it went something like this:
Teller: Do you know what you are having?
Me: A boy (short sweet and to the point right)
Teller: Oh a little boy! Is he your first?
Me: No
Teller: Is your first a girl?
Me: Yes
Teller: Do you have a name for your son?
Me: Mason
Teller: and what's your daughter's name?
Me: Addison
Teller: one girl and one boy, you just have the perfect little family don't you?!?!
Me: Mmmm hmmm (give her a half smile and turn around and leave as quickly as possible).

All I kept thinking was jeez lady if you only knew along with keep walking and don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

I was glad that she asked about BOTH of my children. It was nice to say Addison's name along with Mason's. I suppose on paper I do have the "perfect family" one girl and one boy, that's like the American dream or some crap, but when you look closer and read the fine print, it's not so "perfect".

Next topic. This morning as I was driving to work, I passed the cemetery (as I do every morning). As I glance over I can see them setting up for a funeral. I am thinking please oh please don't be in the baby area. As I get closer I can see it IS in the baby area at this point I am swearing in my car. I am just so mad that another family is going through this. My heart broke in a million pieces for them because I know how very long this road is that they are on. My next thought was hoping they aren't taking the spot next to Addison...because what if WE need it. It's a terrible thought to have and yet I am so worried the spot next to her will be gone just in case. Knowing that it was empty felt like some sort of deranged insurance. I was fighting tears the whole way into work. Just so sad for that family and worried and that damn spot. Work can't get over fast enough. I will be headed there straight from work! We also have our first Pregnancy after loss meeting tonight and I am really hoping it will be helpful because I am feeling pretty helpless! Okay I think I got most the important things off my chest, hopefully today will go a little smoother.

11 comments:

  1. I had that SAME conversation about a boy and a girl and how perfect it is when I was pregnant too!

    And volunteering with our support group has shown me, there are a ridiculous number of babies dying just in that hospital Every Week. It is awful. And I had that same thought at the cemetery too.

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  2. Sorry it was a rough day. I freaking hate "everything happens for a reason" just as much as you do. And I know what you mean about letting a comment go and then stewing over it for hours (days... weeks...). Sending you a hug.

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  3. Omg, I freaked out when the space below Hayes' at the cemetery got filled. (the two to each side were filled already when he was buried.) A woman that had two stillborn babies (her first and her fourth--can u imagine?!) reached out to me after he died to tell me about her experience. Her babies are both buried in the same cemetery as Hayes but they are not next to each other, there is one baby between them. I cannot imagine that either. There is another plot at our cemetery where there are three babies (from different years so they weren't triplets) that all share one massive marker that mentions each of them. Holy hell. Jut to ahead and bury me with them. I do not know how those mothers have managed.

    And as for the other stories, that is one benefit to bedrest... I don't have to see or deal with many idiots. Ugh!!! That first woman should be slapped. Hard.

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  4. Well I am hoping you won't need that spot next to Addison.

    I'm still struggling with how to answer the question about if this is my first. I need to come up with an answer so I'm not stumbling on my words every time.

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  5. I know the stewing feeling - too many times people say the wrong thing and it sends me into a spin for days! I'm taking your lead though, ALWAYS correct them. Sometimes though I don't realise how it's irked me until after the conversation has finished and then the words clank around in my brain, repeating themselves over and over.

    Thoughts to you, your Mason and your Addison. Di

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  6. "If I had a dollar for everyone that has ever said "everything happens for a reason" I wouldn't have any dollars, but there would be a ton of people choking on their dollars that I shoved down their throat!" - this is the first time I've laughed out loud today. Thanks :)

    You have inspired me to go write an email to a friend who said something weeks ago that I can't stop thinking on...

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  7. That is why I am so hesitant to tell ANYONE, because I don't want to deal with all of the 'well-intentioned' comments and expectations of being excited. I have told my parents, 2 friends and my zumba teacher only and while they are all supportive, they still are way too EXCITED for me. I'm scared to death, I can't be 100% excited. Hopeful, yes. Excited, no. I'll be excited if I have a living baby in my arms! Hang in there you are doing great :)

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  8. I also lol'd at the dollars stuffed down the mouths. :)

    Sorry today was a hard one, and the people you spoke to not all that supportive. I've received the same comment about our "perfect family" and it's crushing to realize my family can never be perfect...

    Nothing ever happens for a reason... this world wouldn't be the way it is... And our arms wouldn't be empty. BTW, Never, ever would the timing be "just right" to have ttc a brother or sister for Addison.. This is an incredibly difficult thing at the very best of times, you know?

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  9. Screw these people! Ahhhh! I think that the next time I tell Andrew's story, I'm just going to put my hand in front of their mouth (or pull a "Shhh" in front of mine) to tell them to just. STOP. Just stop. No more words. No more explanations you know nothing about, and no more, "everything happens for a reason." I swear... the day I bust out with asking them point blank if they think my full term son died for a reason and exactly what that reason could be...

    ...and then I'd like to tell them that perhaps their child will unexpectedly die and that if that happens, I'm sorry-- but it was probably a good reason.

    Some people suck at life. Suck.

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  10. Oh I feel your pain. I don't miss those days at all and dread them if I'm crazy enough/fortunate enough to go down that road again.

    I wish you could be in an idiot free bubble the remainder of your pregnancy. Well, I just wish there were fewer idiots out there.

    Hang in there mama.

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  11. I am so sorry you had to go through that...always seems to catch you when you least expect it. People just need to learn to keep quiet and mind their own business.

    Totally here ya on the baby cemetery plots being taken. I had the same thought several times when I would go to visit Logan and a new spot would be taken. It absolutely broke my heart that someone was just starting to go through what we did. What is even more unbelievable is in the 13 months that Logan has been buried there have been at least 9 babies laid to rest just in our little area...it breaks my heart!!!

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