Sunday, February 5, 2012

14 Months (another 4th and 5th on the weekend)

It's the 5th again?!?! I still believe things feel different...less harsh than they did before we hit the one year mark, but last month when I saw February's 4th and 5th landed on another Saturday and Sunday, I was dreading what that would mean. Something about reliving the days ON the same week days it happened is something out of my control and just plain sucky.

I was finally feeling some relief by Friday, even had the energy to cook dinner, do dishes, laundry, just general house stuff I normally put off. Saturday I woke up feeling good, which was surprising and welcome. Took Annie to the self-wash to get a bath and ran some errands. By noon I was feeling tired and drained and sad DANG! I had more to do, but came home and fell asleep on the couch. I guess I needed it, but I am a terrible napper. It takes me forever to actually wake all the way up from a nap and usually leaves me feeling grumpy (not really the point of a nap so I rarely take them).

We had plans to go out with friends last night, but Brian was ready to call and cancel when he came home and saw me. I decided I still wanted to try, so we did. I am glad we did. It was nice to see everyone and it brought me out of the funk I was in. This group happens to be great "Addison" supporters so being around people I knew "get it" was also helpful. We didn't really talk much about her, but if I had wanted to I knew I could.

The other fun part is that one of the couples is also pregnant and just found out they are expecting a boy. I was sure they were having a girl, but now that we are both having boys, it makes things easier for me (like it's all about me...right lol). Anyways something about them sharing their news (via text first, not in person :)) made me more excited for OUR boy. We live close and are old family friends so these boys will be playing together (please oh please).

We got home late, which is hard on me, but was more good than bad for me! Now it's Sunday the 5th...again. It's also Superbowl Sunday. Brian's boss always has a big party. I couldn't go last year...not without Addi and I won't be going this year...not until I have a baby in my arms. Especially today being the 5th and looking SO pregnant, I can't deal with strangers excitement and what today is and I will not put myself in that position.

I hate making Brian go alone, but it is what is it and since he doesn't have the added stress of carrying this baby it is slightly easier for him. I know there will be other babies there and that will suck for him, but hopefully the beer and the game can be enough of a distraction. Beer...I hardly remember what that is like...I have spent so much of the last 3 years trying to get pregnant or actually being pregnant I feel like I have forgotten what it's like...hmmm I wonder if I will even like it when I can have it again lol.

Anyways I think I will spend the day doing things around the house. I still have a lot of work to do in the nursery and the guest room (as we are turning it into a play room). Maybe I will drop a load off at the goodwill while I am at it...how do we accrue so much crap?!?! Hopefully my crap can be some one's treasure! Nothing of Addi's though, all that stuff stays. I think I will also go wonder the craft store to see if there is anything I can take to Addi's spot...sucks that in order to buy my daughter something it has to be plastic or outdoor appropriate, but I hold tight to the little things I "can" do for her.

Dear Addi,
Another month, another Saturday and Sunday without you. It's beautiful out today. The sun is shining and I would have loved to have been able to bundle you up and go for a walk. After that we would have had a cute football outfit to take you to the Superbowl party in and show you off. I am sure you would be walking and saying words, phrases and just being adorable. I wish I was filling your diaper bag with a change of clothes, snacks and toys...anything you would need for a day away from home, but instead I will be staying home from the party. I know your dad will go and have fun, but I know there will be the moments when he catches glimpses of his friends with their kids and his heart will break all over again. It's what we do, this is our life without you.

While this day doesn't bring me to my knees as it once did, the ache I feel for you is still the very same. A life with a 14 month old girl sounds like the very best thing in all the world and something I would give anything for...anything.

I wonder what your vocabulary would be like, what your voice would sound like, how long your blond hair would be....would it still be blond? Would it be curly? You had little curls at birth and I will always wonder if it would have grown straight or stayed curly. Would your eyes still be blue? Would you be a daddy's girl or mine? Which dog would you have bonded with? What, when, where, how....millions of questions are left unanswered. You remain absolutely perfect in my memory. Life feels so empty without you. I love you sweet girl.
Love,
Mommy

4 comments:

  1. Sigh...this is such a sucky day to be without our babies. Sending you my love and wishes for a peaceful day puttering at home.

    Hugs, sweetie!
    xoxo

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  2. Thinking of you and hoping next Super Bowl is different for you but I totally understand what you are saying. A million things unanswered. It sucks and I am sorry.

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  3. Lots of wondering about what would have been for us this weekend, too... <3

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  4. Last year, when the Super Bowl came around, we were still feeling pretty stinkin' sad. We actually would watch some of the game, and then turn it over to the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, I think! We just sat and watched those adorable puppies play, and I would laugh and cry.

    Who knew the Super Bowl was such an emotional day?! I hope next year's is the BEST ever for you!

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