Thursday, January 26, 2012

26 Weeks

How Far Along: 26 weeks (our baby is as big as a head of Lettuce).
Maternity Clothes: Yes, can't really hide this bump anymore.
Movement: Seems like his movements are on more of a pattern now, which I appreciate. He is usually always active after meals and if I am having a panic attack I can poke at him and not too long after he will poke back. I can't start my day (get out of bed) until I feel him and I can't go to sleep until I feel him. These early morning and late night times are becoming my favorite. It's like our special time together where I do nothing, but just lie there feeling all of his movements. As long as he moves on cue I am good, it's when it takes some prodding that I start to worry.
Sleep: is interrupted by 1-2 bathroom breaks each night mostly just one though. I feel like I am not needing to pee nearly as often at this point in my pregnancy as I did with Addison. I am getting more and more uncomfortable at night, I really need to make sure the pregnancy pillow is JUST right and I usually flip from side to side...I know left is supposed to be best, but who really knows. I am also getting some leg cramps in the middle of the night.
Gender: A brother for Addison, Mason Alexander.
Symptoms: Still have the runny nose, headaches that come on in the evenings, leg cramps and the dreaded heart burn has started. Really none of my symptoms are things to complain about, just telling you what they are. I can handle them, I have it so much easier (physically) than most.
Cravings: With all the snow my mom and dad were feeding us as we had no power and the food in our fridge was ruined. I think I crave anything I don't have to cook! The hot chocolate was especially yummy though.
Belly Button In or Out: in...it's starting to look "down" though...like if it was an eye, it looks down towards the ground. I didn't get an outie last time so I am not sure I will get one this time. So while it is still "tucked in" it is no  longer "even" across my belly.
Best Moment this week: Getting to stay inside and watch the snow. Even with all the crazy it caused, I still enjoyed it.
Freak-out of the week: Sunday night I had a meltdown. Just felt really sad, missing Addison, didn't want to go to work the next day, worrying about Mason, just plain old unhappy and no idea how to fix it. So I cried myself to sleep. Brian was really worried because there wasn't a "trigger" per say. I think he thinks I am getting worse, but um hello I am growing a tiny human IN my body so I already have pregnancy hormones + grief + normal every day worries...I am entitled to a few meltdowns! I also got the call that my grandpa (Bopa) was admitted to the hospital. He went from a normal room to the ICU. Not really sure how things are going to shake out. He is 82 and a frail 82 at that. It's just one more thing to add to the pile o' worry. Yesterday he was moved back to a normal room, but we were told he is not out of the woods yet. Also had yet ANOTHER cry myself to sleep night last night. Awesome.
What I miss: Still missing the joy...maybe starting to accept it will just be missing this time though.
What I am looking forward to: Maybe just February...being done with one more crappy month sounds good to me.
Next Appointment: I don't know...we made it to our appointment on Friday, January 20th thanks to my husband's great snow driving abilities! When we got there we were bummed to see they were closed...guess that's why no one was answering the phone. Apparently they had no power (which I don't understand since they are RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the hospital). Whatever. The note on the door said they would be calling all missed appointments on Monday...still haven't got a call. I know I just need to bite the bullet and call, but things have been so crazy going to the hospital every night to visit my Bopa. Plus Mason has been moving great and this appointment was not a "big" one so I haven't been as freakish about it.
Something Else: I think I have realized that I REALLY need to go to the pregnancy after loss group even though the drive is a lot longer. I just need a place where I can talk about ALL of this. Hoping it will help some. Having friends online has been great, but there is something about the face to face group that is REALLY helpful for me. At the regular group we went to last night the group was told there would be two pregnant chicks if they were comfortable letting us join since we can't hide our bellies too well. They were okay with us joining, but I still kept my coat in front just out of respect. We don't talk about pregnancy at all, which is hard to leave out.

For the most part Brian and I grieve together, but this is the third time we are seeming to take different paths. The last two times we made our way back to the same path and I am hoping this will be another one of those times. This journey is awful lonely when you feel like the only one in the middle of it. Probably why the crying has increased. I am just exhausted from crying. This emotional crap takes such a physical toll. The more tired I am, the more I cry. The more I cry, the more tired I am...vicious vicious cycle. Not to mention I have heard him say at least three times recently that he misses the old me. Um yeah I miss her too, but of all the people in the world hearing the person who I thought understood the best say this is hard.

My BLM friend reminded me that my pregnancy is not "normal" and that I am NOT NORMAL. I think it's important to be reminded of this. When I have "normal" expectations for myself I always fall flat. When I remember that things like "normal" aren't a part of my life anymore it makes it a little easier to comprehend.

Hard to believe I only have 14 weeks left and really it should be around 12 with an early induction (I just don't have a date yet). That really doesn't seem possible. I still don't feel like this is happening. I told Brian IF we do get to bring Mason home I will probably not know what to do. I mean I know how to take care of babies and all that jazz, but I feel like there will be a moment of OH SHIT! Most pregnant women get 40 weeks to prepare for the arrival of their baby. It's been 26 weeks already and I still don't believe it!

3 comments:

  1. Hugs, honey! You still have so much on your plate, and it's probably not going to get lighter. I like the "not normal" thing...so true...and so OK!!!

    I'm so sorry your darling grandpa is ailing. I lost mine in 2006, just two months after our wedding, and it was so hard. I know today, though, that he's up there fighting Paul's grandpa over who gets to hold our babies next. :)

    I'm so sorry we missed you last night. We both felt like crap and the last thing we wanted to do was spread our germs to you and A, our little baby cookers! (Did they "out" you two as the preggos at the meeting, or just vaguely say there would be two joining?)

    I understand the need to join another group, but I hope that won't mean you'll leave the other two. We'd miss you so much! And, once I am pregnant again - if/when it happens - there's no way I can make it to that other group, so I'll REALLY miss you! (I know, it's not all about me, just sayin'.)

    <3

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  2. You are doing great and WHEN you get to bring Mason home it will be second nature to you and no matter how many weeks you get I don't think you are ever truly prepare, I wasn't anyway.
    Unfortunately the tears will still remain, but I find the smiles and love I have for Layton is starting to push most of them aside. It is very refreshing, but kind of scary because things have changed once again, but this time definitely for the better. Keep cooking that little man...only 3 months to go...woohoo!!!!!

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  3. So sorry to hear about your grandfather. I know what that's like...and that on top of all the emotions you're feeling anyway. I can only imagine how exhausted you are!

    Your friend was correct, trying to judge yourself with the "normal" yardstick will never work out. After going through what you have, you're just not normal. None of us are! So, at least you've got (good) company!

    I remember feeling like I had no idea what to do with myself when Addalee was born. I had spent so much time being pregnant with Caroline, grieving Caroline, being pregnant with Addalee, and fighting to get her here, that I didn't know how to do anything else. It was a strange feeling to know that the fear of losing her before birth was over, I didn't have to be afraid of that anymore.

    I'm sorry that your grief has taken you down a different path than Brian. We ran into that a few times. It's always rough. It hurt my feelings, which is the worst. But apparently, as everyone always says, everybody grieves differently. When it seems to come from nowhere though, it's hard to deal with.

    Keep up the great work though...you're one strong mama!

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