Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012, the year of _________?

Well here we are, it's 2012 and we made it. Not really sure how, but we did. I think I will officially dub 2011 as the year of grief. That pretty much sums it up. Yes, there were other things that took place, but the grief was so overwhelmingly present that it just seems fitting.

I remember last year thinking 2010 was the worst year of my life because that is the year Addison died in, but after some thought I realized that 2010 was the year she LIVED in. Yes the year ended badly...okay badly doesn't begin to sum it up, but you know. I think for the most part I can look back on 2010 and smile because that is the only year of memories made with my girl growing and living in my belly and the year I got to hold her and kiss her.

Last year, I remember thinking good riddance 2010, I can't wait for 2011 and now I see it so differently. We were only a few weeks out from losing Addison last year and it was hard to comprehend what 2011 would bring.

Soon after 2011 started I was wishing it away. Wishing we could fast forward through what would be the hardest year of our lives...the year of "should have beens" the first year of our daughter. Now that we have completed 2011 I have to say it is a year I could have skipped. So much sad, so many tears and even anger.

I don't think I ever realized how long grief could stay with a person. I used to live with the mindset that we choose to be happy, but now I know that simply isn't possible every day for every situation. If I wake up crying, it's because it NEEDS to come out and I just have to let it. I have been a slave to grief this year, but without fully surrendering to it, I know I wouldn't be where I am at today. I cry when I need, I allow myself to feel what I need and I never make myself stay in a bad situation that I know I can't handle. I think for the most part I learned what my boundaries are this year, when to push them and when to let go.

2012...the year of hope?!? I sure hope so, but I can also see it as being the "year of worry". I know no matter, which title this year gets it will still be served with a side of grief. The missing and aching for my daughter is going no where, but I hope it can be the side dish and not the main entree for the second year in a row! Just please 2012, please don't mimic the end of 2010, I'm so tired of surviving what no one should have to survive.

This morning, the first day of the year did not start out so well. I got up to go the bathroom and thought my stomach felt different....squishier...lifeless. I got back into bed and and prayed this little boy would start moving for me. I had only slept for about 5 hours and was hoping I would fall back asleep, but the worry made my heart race faster and faster. It didn't take me long to get out of bed and find the doppler. I had a little trouble at first finding his heartbeat, but then he started kicking at the doppler. Aww thank you baby! Is it April yet?!? I am ready to fast forward a little more of my life just to get to him.

Brian is so optimistic about 2012...I think he is trying so hard for the both of us. I still feel about 50/50. On one hand I feel completely sure that THIS baby is coming home with us to stay, that there is no way we will lose a second child and on the other hand I am completely sure that something terrible will happen and we will be reliving the nightmare of losing a child again in 2012. What a weird place to be stuck in the middle of.

I think 2011 was also the year of the blog and the year of support.  Support I never knew I would need so much and yet it is the thing that carried us through. Our friends that have continued to check on us and remember Addison...I have to believe there is a special place in heaven for people like you. Thanks for not giving up on us, for continuing to call even when we didn't answer and sending emails/texts etc. You truly helped us survive this year of grief. And this blog, writing has been so therapeutic for me in ways I never imagined and then there are BLM's that I have "met" online, your blogs, your emails have been a constant in my life over the last year that are just priceless. I am so thankful for each one of you.

2012, I have a lot of hope for you, please don't let us down! What would you classify 2011 as? What do you hope 2012 is...the year of the rainbow baby, hope, etc.?


  1. My hubs is the same way as yours. When we rang in 2012 earlier today he told me he felt the that this year would be our best and that all was going to work out. I sure hope he is right! My 2011 is a year of grief and finding out who your real friends are. My hope is that 2012 is the year for our rainbow baby and a little more happiness. Hugs to you girlfriend and hang in there...April will be here before you know it!

  2. So eloquently written, friend.

    I like how you described the grief just right. These words are sometimes hard to explain to those who haven't lived the reality of this sadness. I sure hope we won't be having grief as our main course this year either... as we know it'll always be on the dinner table no matter what we're having.

    Thinking of you and hoping for solace and... well... hope. Hope for us all in the form of a living child to carry on the legacy our littles left behind.

  3. I hope all your dreams come true in 2012.

  4. 2011 was a complicated year for me with a lot of mixed emotions. It was a year of hope for me for sure and I hope that 2012 is for you. Sorry about the scare, but glad the little guy is doing just fine.

  5. I hear you on simply surrendering to the grief. I truly believe it's the healthiest way - even if the rest of the world calls it indulging or getting stuck. I truly believe there is no way except through.

    I truly hope that 2012 brings wonderful hope and joy into your life. For me, 2012 is the year of being kind to myself. I have spent the last three punishing my body for failing to keep my daughter alive. Now, I'm working on forgiving and learning all over again to nurture myself.

  6. I want to apologise for the number of times I used truly in the comment above! Must proof comments more closely :)