Thursday, January 5, 2012

13 months of 5's

Thirteen months. I have to say that today was SUCH a different day than most of the 5th day of the months! I didn't anticipate it like I usually do. I was looking at the calendar last night and saw today would be the 5th and it shocked me that I didn't already know that. It's not like we hit one year and now the rest of the fifths are easy peasy, but it did have a different vibe today.

Brian came home from work tonight and I was telling him how today felt different than most fifths and he was surprised that he didn't realize that today was the 5th until that moment. Addison's birthday was only one month ago and yet it feels like a lifetime ago...I think this is where the increased aging really comes into play...I still feel at least 10 years older than I am!

I have to say that I missed Addison no less today than I do, but that grief that normally comes along with it was not as heavy on my shoulders. I know this won't be the case every month, there will still be 4th and 5th days of the month that bring me to my knees, but today was not one of them. We have had so many hard "bring us to our knees" kind of days that this was a welcomed break from our new normal!

I stopped by her stone tonight to make sure everything was in it's place and picked up the leaves around her spot and her neighbors. It makes me feel good to know her spot is there for others to see and for me to visit. I think I have stopped by no less than three times per week since it was placed. I don't usually spend long there, but it's on my way home from work and the road goes straight through so I don't even have to to turn around once I get there. I took down her little Christmas tree last weekend and put up some winter type things without being cluttered...some of the stones get really cluttered and it makes me crazy. I try not to let the other stones bother me, but the fact that there are moldy pumpkins on other stones makes me want to throw them away! Sorry I am going off on a tangent now...letting it go.

I also think that part of the reason today was different is because I have been so worried about this pregnancy.  Even with living children you tend to have things come up that make you focus on one child over the other and I have definitely been focused on Addison's little brother. Always both of them, but the worry for this little boy has been a big focus.

It's really too bad we can't know ahead of time, which days will be the hardest and which won't hit us quite so hard.

Dear Addison,
Oh my sweet girl, it's been 13 months since you were born and we miss you as much today as we did this day so many months ago. I have to say that one thing that has changed for me is that I no longer feel like I could go back and change before it felt like "if I could go back to this time last year, I could change things so that you would be here" even though I knew that was never a possibility it's still how my mind worked. Now thinking back to one year ago I know you were already gone and there is nothing to be done. I hope that makes sense! You are still my greatest desire and I want you here more than words can say. I am getting ready to pack up your things and have daddy paint your room, this breaks my heart in all new ways, but it is for the very best reason possible. There isn't another person that could get me to change that room, except for your little brother. I love my little brother so much and I know you love yours too. Your room may change and become his, but you are still here, still very much apart of this family.

I didn't send out Christmas cards again this year...just couldn't without you. Next year I think I will be ready. You will be as included as your little brother that is for sure. We survived another 4th, 5th of December, Christmas and New Years without you...doesn't seem possible.

At 13 months I am sure you would be walking and talking even a few words. We miss what our lives would be like with you here and love you so SO much! Watch over your little brother with us, he needs his big sister. Love you baby girl.


  1. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I thought that the 28th has been x months...probably right after the 1 year mark. (And even now, I couldn't tell you how long it has been since she died without stopping to do some math...2 years and 3 months.) I don't think it's that you think less of your daughter, it's that you think less of the little things like that which don't really have that much to do with her at all if you really think about it. And also, your life gets full again with other things besides grief...pregnancy and having a healthy baby...and soon (before you know it even though I know it seems forever away right now!) you will be focused on breastfeeding and teething and what kind of diapers do we use and will I ever sleep again, etc. etc. etc. You will still think of Addison, often, but the things like how many months it has been...not so much. And that's okay. I do think that living in general gets a whole whole lot easier after that first year, rainbow babies and pregnancy aside, too.

  2. So much of what your write here resonates. But especially, the acceptance of not being able to go back and change things. The grief is sitting a little differently (for now). Joseph's birthday also seems like much longer than only just less than a month ago. He fitting in with his family in a different way.
    I so wish Addi was here to meet her little brother. I so wish that it was all so different. Your letter to her is just beautiful. Love, light and peace to you. xx

  3. I agree with everything you have said here...great post!!!!

  4. Thinking of you and just wanted to be sure you knew! Glad you are doing well.

  5. I'm so glad this month's anniversary seems to have been softer for all of us, 13 months for you and Brian and 5 months for Paul and me. What a relief, even though it doesn't hurt any less. I know I've appreciated a tiny break in my inside darkness, just for these few days.

    Hugs to you, Brian, Addi and the baby brother baking inside of you!

  6. I think somehow it gets a little easier with time. The milestones still hurt but you don't necessarily sit and wait for them as you did in the beginning. Although on any given (and random) day I can be found in a big ball of tears. Missing my boy.

    Thinking of you and little Addi <3 Happy 13 months Addi!