Monday, November 28, 2011

One week until Addi's first birthday

I can't believe it's almost here...December 5th, Addison's first birthday. A day that should be full of celebration, a day I should be saying that I can't believe my baby is one and instead I will be saying I can't believe we survived a whole year without her.

It's been a struggle deciding on exactly how this day will be spent. How do you "celebrate" a birthday of a baby who isn't here? How do we honor her in a way that is anything close to what she deserves?

I am still unsure exactly how her day will go, but if you would like to honor our little girl with us here are some ideas.

1. Light a candle for her
2. Write her name down (anywhere)
3. Donate to the TEARS foundation in her name
4. Donate to any charity in her name
5. Donate a toy to Toys for Tots or any place for a one year old girl
6. Release a balloon for her
7. Do something nice for someone

Now here's the kicker. Please tell us about what you did or take a picture, if you can and send it to us at lifeafteraddison@gmail.com One of the most painful parts of losing a baby is feeling like people forget. A simple email or text mean so much to us. Thanks for remembering our Addi with us. How is December 5th almost here, it's so hard to believe!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

What I'm thankful for this year...

This Thanksgiving was nothing like I had planned. Last year I was ready to pop and we were all hoping Addi would wait until after Thanksgiving to make her appearance so we wouldn't have to leave a house full of food to go to the hospital...looking back that would have been the best scenario possible. But alas, that was not the case and we spent the whole day eating and visiting.

2010 Happy parents-to-be not knowing what was in front of them. 

We have this tradition where after dinner we go around the table and say what we are thankful for. It's a fun tradition that usually brings no tears and is easy to do. We even video tape it so we can remember it from year to year. Last year I don't think anyone left Addi off their list. We were all so thankful for this little girl who would be joining our family at any moment.

This year I was dreading this very moment, the moment we were to proclaim what it was we were thankful for this year. While I DO have so much to be thankful for (an amazing husband,the most supportive family a girl could ask for, friends that have been with us through thick and thin etc.) when you go through such a loss as we did it's so hard to concentrate on the good when you know how much better life would be if that person were here. Yes, life can be good, but the daily sadness we carry missing Addison is so all consuming. Yes, this Thanksgiving was good, but how great it would have been with an almost one year old sharing her first Thanksgiving with her family.

So when it was my turn I did something I have never done before and I cried. I cried for the magnitude of the moment, I cried at the words coming out of my mouth and I cried for my missing daughter around our table. It's so hard to be thankful for a year filled with grief, but in the end I am still most thankful for Addison and the fact that I am her mom and she is ours whether she is here or not.

The funny thing is that I expected this Thanksgiving to be missing someone. My grandparents (both sets still alive still married to each other) are between the ages of 77-85 and 3 of which spent time in the hospital this year and last and I EXPECTED to have someone missing at the table this year. I made sure last year to look around and enjoy every single person, but the one person I expected to be here, the one in my belly never got her chance. So this year while I am so thankful that they are all here for another year I can't help, but feel it isn't the way it should be. It's not right Addi isn't here, but I know I am not alone in that thinking.

2010 Picture with all the grandparents and my Addi belly last year in case we didn't have everyone this year...turns out we didn't.

Next year I hope we still have everyone around our table + one little one, but I know better than to expect anything.
2011 This year's picture with the grandparents and my belly, please God let next year's picture include a living baby (please excuse Brian's creeper mustache he is participating in (M)ovember to promote prostate cancer awareness).
I had made a joke last year that I would have to wear my maternity pants for every year because they would be great "Thanksgiving pants" little did I know I would be wearing maternity pants again this year. Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful to have this little one growing in my belly, but the reason I am pregnant is just so wrong. I turned to my sister this year and asked her why I was ALWAYS pregnant at these things?!?!

Next Thanksgiving I just hope that I am not pregnant for all the right reasons. Being pregnant another Thanksgiving would mean another loss and I just can't handle that...I can't even handle the one!

So this year I am thankful for my family and how close we all are. I am even more thankful that they all love Addi the way I do and that with them I never have to fight for Addi to be talked about, she is talked about openly and lovingly and while I expect this of my family they have gone above and beyond and I am thankful for that.

This Thanksgiving also mark one more thing...it's the last "first" holiday without Addison. We have officially made it through a year of celebrations and holidays without our girl...how...I am still unsure. It certainly wasn't willingly. A year of grief a year of sad, but the worst part is that even though we managed to survive a year of holidays without her, it is only one down in a lifetime's worth. Ugh that's a lot to swallow, better stick with one year at a time.

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. My thoughts were with all of you who have lost someone you love (a child or whoever) missing someone around your table stings no matter what. Either way we all made it through the day.

Friday, November 25, 2011

17 Weeks 1 Day

How Far Along: 17 weeks 1 day (our baby is as big as a Turnip)
Maternity Clothes: My new maternity work pants arrived in the mail and that should keep me set for a while.
Movement: Still just little tiny stuff. Nothing that's on a schedule or big enough that it couldn't be confused with gas. :(
Sleep: is interrupted by 1-2 bathroom breaks each night. I had trouble sleeping because Brian was gone for 4 nights. I got the great advice to sleep on his side of the bed and that helped a little, but I was getting up around 4am and not able to got back to sleep.
Gender:  3 weeks away...that doesn't seem possible.
Symptoms: sore back, runny nose the usual.
Cravings: Turkey...lucky for me this was a good week to crave it!
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  When Brian got home safely and Thanksgiving with the family.
Freak-out of the week: It bothers me that we have had no REAL assurance that this baby is alive since the 7th and we have another week to go ugh.
What I miss: I used to be a very self-sufficient, no trouble on my own kind of girl, but Brian leaving for a little trip had me feeling very lost. I love that we are so much closer, but I hate that I am a needy/clingy wife!
What I am looking forward to:  This next week is going to be tough. Maybe I am just looking forward to making it through.
Next Appointment: Not until December 2nd...I wasn't able to muster up the courage to make another appointment before then. One week...means I am going to worry more and more the closer it gets.
Something Else: Last week I didn't want to talk about Brian being gone...no need to advertise online that I would be home alone (even though my small army of dogs are a great security system). It was the first time we had been apart since losing Addison. Brian's older brother lives in CA and his SIL offered to fly him down as a surprise for his brother. Brian had time to take off work that he would lose if it wasn't taken by the end of the year and I am saving all my time (the little time I get) to be off with this baby (hopefully).

I have to say I was nervous for a couple reasons with Brian leaving. One was because I was afraid if he used all of his time he wouldn't have any left if something bad happens before the first of the year...this was my real concern...what if this baby dies and I need him off and all his time is gone. Pre-planning at its finest, NOT!

The few times Brian has gone away without me used to feel like a little time off for me too, no cooking, just do whatever I want, no big deal. This time I was fighting tears as we said goodbye and worrying that if something happened to him I would be even more screwed up than I already am.

He was good to text and call often and thankfully he made it home safe and sound. We both missed each other so much it's pathetic. I know 4 days is nothing and my complaining is annoying to spouses kept away for much longer than that. I wish I didn't worry so much and I wish I wasn't so needy, but that is just another "fun" side effect from baby loss.

17 weeks...where has the time gone, it's starting to sound like a lot and yet I am STILL in disbelief that this could really be happening. The time goes so slowly and yet I am amazed that we are already at 17 weeks. It doesn't seem possible, but more than that a living baby to bring home and keep still seems like something that is too far from reach.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I made the call

It's just two weeks until Addison's birthday and I finally did it...I made the call. The call that finalized the draft for the headstone and it is officially in production. Ugh.

I had to call at work because the guy I was working with wasn't in until after work started and I was really hoping not to have to do it during work, but that's how it had to be. I think it actually worked out better because I couldn't allow myself to be emotional about it. I just did it like I was ordering office supplies. Done.

There are still more steps to take, but the biggest one has already been taken. This has been the longest, hardest most emotional project EVER.

It started out as "my" project, but in the end the whole family got involved in many evening "sit downs" to go over and over and over it. Brian really took the lead the last few weeks getting all the logistics ironed out and it really did help me stress a little less.

The man who we have been working with just so happened to have lost his firstborn granddaughter at a full term stillbirth...small sad world. Since he "gets it" he has been spending extra time with us because he knows how important it is that this be JUST right.

So after months of carrying around a paper version in my purse, creating a life size model, visiting "researching" cemeteries, asking for input, lots of tears and worry it is finally getting done!

I don't want to get too excited, but the time line I was given sounds like there is a possibility that Addi's stone could be placed on or before her birthday...oh my gosh! I can't tell you what that would mean.

So there we go, I made the call and I think I am happy about it or as happy as I can be. As my mom pointed out to me, we could spend the next 10 years working on her stone and it would never be perfect because there is nothing perfect about a headstone for your baby. I could make a new change every month, but I have to come to terms that is has already been a year (almost) and it's time. Having it will do more good than any change I could make. So now, we wait.

Friday, November 18, 2011

16 Weeks 1 Day

How Far Along: 16 weeks 1 day (our baby is as big as a Avocado)
Maternity Clothes: Yep. I also ordered some more work/maternity pants. Still waiting for them to arrive.
Movement: Two days ago I felt something slightly bigger than I had already felt, but then I really haven't felt much....makes me nervous.
Sleep: is interrupted by 1-2 bathroom breaks each night. I haven't been sleeping well due to non-baby related stress...I had forgotten what "regular" stress was like.
Gender:  Getting nervous about it. Obviously a live baby is key, but I can't help, but worry about it. We decided even if we could find out before the 20 week scan that we don't want to know until then. We don't want to know until after Addison's birthday. It's bad enough we have to find out in December so I don't want to know until after her day.
Symptoms: sore back, runny nose the usual.
Cravings: Thai food (no spice) I am wimpy when it comes to any kind of spices!
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  Last Friday I spent the day with my 8 year old "niece" she always puts me in a good mood. It had been a little while since we had last seen each other so she was extra clingy. Made me feel guilty that so much time had gone by without us seeing each other, but her wanting to sit on my lap or hold my hand all the time is never something I would say no too. Love her!
Freak-out of the week: I'm just worried in general. No doctor appointments so I have no idea how this baby is doing, but at the same time I am scared to make an appointment. It's all really scary and not fun at at all.
What I miss: The excitement I had the first time. I am at 16 weeks now and still hoping for some excitement to kick in, but I think I am still in denial I am even pregnant. I want to bond with this baby, but it hasn't happened yet, which makes me feel so guilty. I obviously love this baby, it's just so scary.
What I am looking forward to: I suppose maybe Thanksgiving, but then again I am not...maybe just some time off work.
Next Appointment: Not until December 2nd...I wasn't able to muster up the courage to make another appointment before then.
Something Else: I try not to talk about work, but things have been stressful there and that's all I will say. I almost forgot what it is like to have "normal everyday" type stress because I am so used to baby and baby related stress, but this kind while not in the same category can still be extremely shitty. I am thankful for the fact that today is Friday, but unfortunately I know Monday isn't far behind ugh.

I have several more things weighing on me. Addison's birthday, completing her headstone,worrying about this baby and then one more thing, which I will write about next week.

It's been such a crazy week. I am so behind on reading blogs, emails, I briefly checked FB this morning since I have been up since 4am (more on that later). I will try and catch up this weekend!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

15 Weeks

**I started this on Thursday and never got it posted, but here it is better late than never**

How Far Along: 15 weeks (our baby is as big as a Apple)
Maternity Clothes: Oh yes, I need some more warm sweaters since winter seems to be here already!
Movement: Possibly
Sleep: is interrupted by 1-2 bathroom breaks each night.
Gender:  I have no idea. I have had one dream of a girl and one of a boy...50/50
Symptoms: my back is giving me trouble again...thanks hormones! Also in my weekly update it says I may be experiencing "rhinitis of pregnancy" basically a runny/stuffy nose, which I have been for the last few weeks. I keep thinking I am getting a cold and then it is just my nose. Now that I read that I remember it from my first pregnancy too. So maybe I'm snotty on multiple levels :)
Cravings: Brian got Teriyaki the other day and all I want was the steamed veggies...they were delicious! Last night I wanted noodle-y cheesy goodness so I made lasagna., it did the trick.
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  This week was full of yuck, but I have to say that at the end of the day once we are both home from work our little evening ritual of dinner then watching our favorite tv shows cuddled up on the couch with the fire going is the perfect way to end any day. It's the little something I need to be able to get up and face the day again.
Freak-out of the week: Please refer to my last post. Ugh that took a full 24 hours to recover from and actually I am still not 100%. I couldn't function for the rest of that day because it was draining and scary and awful.
What I miss: When a simple doppler check was just that and the heartbeat was found with ease and even if it had taken a minute I wouldn't have known to be worried.
What I am looking forward to:  I don't know, I am afraid to look forward to anything!
Next Appointment: Not until December 2nd...I would like to go in one more time in the next week or two to try and HEAR the heartbeat, but my heart can't take another scare like last time.
Something Else: Still in physical therapy for my back, some days it feels okay and others not so much. I was such a relief (that's the understatement of the month) to see our littlest dancing around on the screen. I was really prepared for the worst and while I still am it was nice to know this baby is growing and well...alive!

I managed to burn myself (left hand) pretty good while draining the boiling water off my noodles yesterday. For some reason using the strainer didn't occur to me (pregnancy brain perhaps) I tried to balance the lid with my thumbs...of course that didn't work, the lid slipped and boiling water poured all over my hand. After 4 hours of icing it was still burning like crazy. Brian kept asking if I wanted him to go get some burn ointment and I kept saying no (didn't want anything topical seeping into my body). Finally at 10:45 when I couldn't sleep because of the pain I called my regular doctor (whoever was on call) I called this doctor specifically so I don't call my OB too often and get annoying :) They said topical was fine or some Tylenol...if I didn't take Tylenol for my back pain I sure as hell wasn't going to take it for this. Poor Brian got sent out at 11pm to get me some ointment...at least it wasn't pickles and ice cream, but I know he was tired and not amused by this errand. Such a good husband! He got back we slathered my hand and wrapped it up. I had to get the frozen veggies out of the freezer because my ice pack wasn't icy enough anymore. I slept with my hand wrapped clutching the bag and was actually able to fall asleep. So one late night run, a doctor call and a ruined bag of veggies later I think I will ALWAYS remember to use my strainer. If it's not one thing it's another!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Thoroughly Traumatized

I don't believe in keeping people in suspense after what we have been through so the end of this story is that the baby is STILL alive and its little heart was beating at 156bpm. So now that you know today's story has a "happy ending" let me tell you about this morning's events.

I had blogged before that we were hoping to go into the doctor's office on Friday to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. It wasn't a real appointment, but we were told that we could come in whenever we wanted to hear the baby so I called Thursday to set something up with the nurse. I was hoping not to have to take any more time off work so I asked for an appointment after I got off that day. Our nurse was concerned that on the "off chance" she couldn't find the heartbeat that there would be no one there to give us an ultrasound and she didn't want us to go an entire weekend not knowing if our baby was okay or not.

This made total sense to me and we decided Monday (today) before work would be the best. When I hung up with her I realized that Friday was the 4th and I was even more glad I didn't choose Friday...I can't hear that both of my children don't have heartbeats on the 4th day of the month.

I was worried all weekend and was also dealing with the 11 month mark with Addison. It wasn't a very fun weekend to say the least. Last night my stomach was in knots in anticipation of this morning's appointment. Brian and I had to driver separately since we were both headed straight to work after this (I hate not driving together, it is extra anxiety to me to make the trip alone). We got there at the same time and walked hand in hand up the stairs.

I checked us in and waited...and waited. After 15 minutes I asked the girl at the front desk if they had forgotten about us (the more I wait the more sick I feel). She said that our nurse had an appointment this morning and wasn't here yet, but they were working on finding a different nurse for us...a different nurse...that is not appealing, but at this point I was willing to take whatever we could get.

Finally we were called back and while the nurse was nice enough, she wasn't "our nurse" and she isn't invested in us like we know the other one is. She started with the goo and the doppler....heartbeat? It was me...always my heartbeat. At one point she said she heard the baby, but then she wasn't sure...wtf??!?! She kept going "well I think that was it" "I'm pretty sure that was the baby" none of those responses were okay with me. After a while she said that she was pretty sure we had heard the baby and asked if that was good for us...um hells no it isn't! She offered for another nurse to come in and give it a try, we said yes and she left and then I cried and cried.

Brian was great, always optimistic and trying to reassure me. The new nurse came in and Brian spoke up when I couldn't form words asking if we could just have an ultrasound already because a doppler wasn't going to be enough at this point. He reminded her that having multiple people come in my room to try and find our baby's heartbeat was not a good déjà vu. She agreed and said she would try and find an ultrasound for us.

When she came back she informed us that their one ultrasound tech was booked back to back today and only doctors can use the "rolling machine" and it was early enough that no doctors were in the office yet...are you freaking kidding me, wasn’t this the exact reason we made the appointment for this time?!?! She offered again to try to find the heartbeat with the doppler and I was able to nod that I wanted it. I tried to stop my crying and take deep breaths so she could really concentrate on finding the baby. I just kept repeating to myself over and over "this won't be as hard as losing Addison, nothing will ever be as hard as that" what a terrible thing to think and yet that is what was running through my mind.

From the beginning of this pregnancy I knew the awful truth that sometimes baby's just die and that this might not be our take home baby. Being prepared sucks, but I do feel more prepared this time around. The other thought in my head was why I didn't pack a bag for the hospital...I know that this is a possibility...how stupid of me not to have that prepared already. I was able to calm that worry because I knew that whatever I needed my sister would be able to put together for me. So then I was back to thinking about how we would tell people and what today would go like. I knew I was covered at work and I was trying to envision what would come next.

When this nurse couldn't find the heartbeat either she left to see what she could find. She came back and offered that we could go "across the street" to the other location for the ultrasound. As much as I wanted one, the thought of driving even across the street was too much. I asked if the tech there could squeeze us in, I reminded her that she knew us and offered to do that if we ever needed. She went to ask and said there was already an emergency ultrasound performed that morning, but that she could get us back there in 15 minutes if we wanted to wait, yes we definitely wanted to wait.

Those were some LONG 15 minutes! While we were waiting our nurse was finally here and came to check on us and give me a hug. I was still crying and I could see the "mom" side of her kicking in to try and comfort me. Brian and I just stayed close and he let me cry all over him. He told me that we would hear the heartbeat and someday we would look back on this and laugh...I just said and it's possible they won't find it. We mostly sat there in silence just holding each other.

Then it was time and we were taken back. God bless our tech that wastes no time getting me on the table with her little magic wand. It was almost instant once she had it on me she said she SAW the heartbeat. No small talk, to waiting, I like her style. I was SO relived...and surprised.

She said this baby was moving all over the place and that may be why they were having such a hard time. She had no explanation for sure why we couldn't find it, but offered to let us hear it. We both said yes so fast! We only heard one maybe two beats because even she couldn't get the baby to stay still. She said the baby was at 156bpm and measuring 14 weeks 3 days (1 day behind, but that is okay).

We were so relieved, even though Brian kept his cool I could tell he was relived too. Leaving the office knowing this baby is still alive was a very good feeling and yet I was so wiped from that visit (which lasted almost exactly 1 hour), but felt WAY longer. So much for our "quick" 15 minute appointment.

I still feel drained. I am so emotionally exhausted. What a way to start a Monday.

I can't believe that at this point we still haven't really HEARD the baby's heartbeat...maybe it really does hate me. Or maybe since my heartbeat rises at every appointment this baby gets all crazy every time too. Either way it's not good. If I could control my worry I promise I would.

I am ready for today to be over. I need to go home and go to sleep for the next 5 months...wake me up when there is a living baby to hold. Is that a possibility? Please?!? I am thoroughly traumatized!


Our little trouble maker (14w 4d).

Saturday, November 5, 2011

E-L-E-V-E-N Months

I thought ten sounded big last month, but eleven...I don't know if the shock of the months passing without Addison will ever stop.  Last night before we went to bed I turned to Brian and asked if he knew that it was the 4th? He didn't and I could tell he was surprised that he didn't (to his credit it was his day off and you don't really think about the date when you don't have to write it). We both lie there silently in the dark for a moment when Brian asked me what I was thinking (I still hate this question). I always return it back, he said he was reflecting on our time in the hospital and where we were 11 months ago.

It was just after 11pm and neither of us could remember exactly what was happening at that time on December 4th. We obviously know we were in the hospital, but was that the time my epidural was wearing off? Was that when I was starting to be in more physical pain? How long until the doctor told my family to go home because we were still a while away from delivery...I don't know. It's all so cloudy. Time has no real meaning to me in those days.

We eventually fell asleep, but that day was weighing heavily on our minds...no real difference I suppose...that day will forever weigh heavily on our minds.

Today I expected to be a bad one, but so far I feel okay. Each month is very different and for some reason today doesn't feel as heavy (not that it won't tomorrow or the next day or even the next 5 minutes, but as of right now I feel okay).

I miss my girl, my Addi and the things we should be doing, but today feels like one of those days where acceptance of our loss has taken over. I don't have to like it, but some days I do accept it (I said some not all).

Maybe because we spent last night going over her headstone as a family, maybe because her birthday is almost here, maybe it is just one of those days.

Today my plan is to figure out a few things we can suggest to friends and family to do to honor Addison's birthday. I have a few already on my list, but I want to research a couple options before I post them. I know not everyone will participate, but those who do will just be that much more special to us and those who don't are easily cut out won't.

Addi,
Another 5th is here without you, another month...how is that possible?!? If we could only go back to this time last year. Remembering last November and how happy I was to be pregnant with you, feeling so close to your arrival. I will never forget what a sweet gentle baby you were. Feeling your movements and rubbing your back (at least I am pretty sure it was your back), poking at your feet. I still can't get over how when we poked you, you never poked back. Such a good girl always so gentle to your mama. Our time together still is my "happy place" to go to. Remembering just how special it was and how happy you made me, how happy you made daddy and your family. Everyone reaching for my belly as I walked through the door just to get some time with you.

I haven't been able to read the journal I wrote you, but today I picked it up and relived some of our special time together. I even went through the computer to find how big we were at this time last year...I miss this so much.
36 weeks (11/2/10)


At this time last year, your room was complete, your clothes were washed and organized by size in your drawers (where they still are), your car seat was installed (I LOVED looking behind my seat and seeing it there), my hospital bag was packed, your diaper bag was packed, we had completed our child birth classes and the breastfeeding class. The only thing we were waiting on was the rocking chair to be delivered. We were ready in case you came early, we were ready, we still are ready, but you're still not home, at least not in the way we had planned.

This month we are trying to complete your headstone. I'm so sorry it isn't already done, but I just want it to be perfect for you. It's such an emotional project, but one I know I need. I need it for you, for our family to visit and for me.

Another month of missing you, another month of loving you. Those two things I promise will never change. We will always miss you, we will always love you. Crap, now I am crying and that whole acceptance thing for today is totally out the door...see I told you it could change in an instance. I love you my girl.
Love,
mommy

Thursday, November 3, 2011

It's coming...

Whether I want to admit it or not December IS coming. I've done my best to avoid it, but with or without my permission it is going to come.

November has an odd feel. My original due date was November 30, 2010, I was so hoping Addi wasn't going to come in November...why you might ask because I didn't like the color her birthstone would be...so stupid. It's not like I had any real control of making her come on her own, but I was hoping for a December baby.

A year ago this month I was big and pregnant, not so big that I was "over it" just the right amount. I was excited for Thanksgiving and EVERYONE was telling me she would come on Thanksgiving Day, which we know she didn't, but now how I wish she would have. Just in case she was born in November I forbid asked Brian not to participate in Movember (where you grow a mustache in the month of November to promote prostate cancer awareness). I am all about prostate cancer awareness as my grandpa and Brian's dad are prostate cancer survivors, but I didn't want to chance him having a creeper mustache in our daughter's first pictures (yeah I think about things like that). This year he is able to participate and it makes me a little sad just wishing it was last year.

The first birthday, I have spent each month fearing this and now we are so close. This last weekend I finally sat down and tried to put a few things together for her birthday with Brian. We ordered things like floating lanterns (sky and water ones), balloons, bracelets with her name and birthday on them and I looked at cakes. I know this won't be your typical first birthday party, but I know if we do nothing that would be worse for me.

I couldn't help myself...I had to look at REAL first birthday things and dream about the things I should be buying for my girl. Here are a few of my favorites.

Of course there was more, but I will spare you my shopping list of broken dreams.

I still don't know exactly how her day will go, but at least the daunting task of starting has been set in motion. We have two days, the day she died (the 4th and the day she was born the 5th). The 4th falls on a Sunday this year and the 5th on a Monday, Brian and I have both taken the 5th off work. I don't know how that day will go, but you can be sure I won't be at work to deal with it.

Perhaps the biggest or most important task to finish is her headstone. I know I have talked about it a million times before and yes, it STILL isn't finished. It hasn't been for lack on wanting...it's just that it terrifies me to complete it. My goal was to have it placed by her birthday and now I don't know it that will be possible. So now I have given myself a little "grace period" now the rule is that is MUST be ordered by her birthday (if it is finished and placed that would be best, but I refuse to add that to my stress level).

This one thing has weighed so heavily on my heart and mind, I swear some days it is ALL I think about. I have carried in my purse a replica of what I want it to look like for months. The paper is so worn and has been changed so many times. I just keep thinking the perfect thing is going to come to me and yet it never does...maybe there is no such thing as a perfect headstone. I just can't stand to give her anything less than perfect.

I suppose I am not normal when it comes to headstones. I am not about: Name, Date, Done. I want it to tell a story, her story however brief. I want people to see it to KNOW that this baby is loved and missed beyond measure. I want them to know she was perfect, I want them to know everything and yet a granite slab just can't portray everything I need.

We have changed the wording a million times and I just hope the last change is the right one. Brian and I were watching the news a few months ago and saw that they are starting to add QR codes to headstones. We decided that may be the closest thing we can get to what it is I am looking for. Brian made a small QR code that will link people to Addison's birth story web page. I may even update that particular link each year. Brian loves techy things so it makes sense that his little girl would have a techy headstone.

There is progress on her stone, but how I wish I was buying her the December birth stone and not a headstone for her first birthday. With her birthday coming and the task of completing her headstone my emotions are running high. Brian couldn't even talk to me about it the other day because I just couldn't do it without crying so instead I avoided him and conversation...this never works well. Maybe I will put what we have on here to get feedback from you guys...maybe I will make a new diagram first since the one in my purse is so beaten up.

Any ways we can pause November...December scares the crap out of me. I feel like the scrooge, bah humbug December.

14 Weeks

How Far Along: 14 weeks (our baby is as big as a Lemon)
Maternity Clothes: I tried to wear a normal pair of pants today...big big mistake...even the rubber band trick isn't helping...what was I thinking?!? I guess I need to buy one more pair of work maternity pants to make it through the work week.
Movement: Every once in a while I swear I feel something. That teeny tiny movement of air bubbles or like if you were to move your hand slowly under water.
Sleep: is interrupted by one bathroom break each night...the last two nights has been two bathroom breaks. (At the end of my pregnancy with Addi it was between 3-5).
Gender:  Too many thoughts on this. 
Symptoms: I would say morning sickness is gone, but if I wait too long to eat I don't feel so good. Now it is just a matter of getting comfortable although I know this is only the beginning.
Cravings: I was thinking there weren't any this week, but then I couldn't decided what I wanted for lunch today, I came back from the grocery store with bananas, apples and the little Satsuma oranges. So I guess fruit.
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  We had dinner and game night with friends it was long overdue and lots of fun. Last Friday we "got" to have an ultrasound so seeing the baby is always a good part of the week.
Freak-out of the week: When our doctor couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler...ugh that was awful.
What I miss: my maternity pants...is today over yet?
What I am looking forward to:  I am hoping to go into the doctor's office tomorrow to hear the heartbeat. We don't have an appointment, but they said we could stop by any time...hopefully they meant it.
Next Appointment: Not until December 2nd...there is no way I will make it that long in between hearing that this baby is okay. I need at least bi-weekly assurance so we will be stopping by for sure.
Something Else: My back is finally feeling okay. Maybe 90% better. I can dress myself completely and I was even able to do some housework and make dinner this week (Brian was very pleased). I went to physical therapy again today and I think I have some good exercises to do in hopes that this won't happen again.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Some people part II

After yesterday's blog post I did feel better that I had said my peace...even if it was just to you fine folk and not to the offender. There is something so freeing about this space and knowing that when I say something there are people who really understand where I am coming from and why things feel the way they do. Thank you for that.

While not completely letting it go I was able to go about my day knowing my feelings were shared and while this part of things can really suck, it unfortunately is part of it.

LJ commented that "if you aren't the one who suffered the loss, you aren't one to share the joy" you are very wise LJ! That is what it feels like to me and why I take it so personally. It's the people that understand what we really lost that can take part in our joy. The people who believe that it was sad we lost a baby and nothing more, can't understand that this isn't just a "fresh start" for us and that is so hurtful. Makes me wish they never got to hear of this pregnancy.

When Brian got home last night he had with him a hand written apology note from his co-worker...this actually made me mad. I think because I just wanted to be mad at her and write her off as someone I didn't have to deal with anymore, but this was a real heartfelt apology and it made ME feel like an ass after I read it. I swear there is nothing worse than to have someone make you feel bad just to be mad at them just to feel bad for being mad at them (did you follow that)?

I still don't believe she truly gets it, but I believe she understands as much as she can without being on the inside. Old me knows that it was an honest mistake, that she really was just excited for us, that she meant NO harm to any of us, but new me, well new me can't help, but take things personally and be hurt by all the things that she didn't think about.

My "Addison" button is the quickest way to send me over the edge. I have the least amount of patience for anything that diminishes her existence. I will always be a protective mama bear when it comes to her. I can't help, but be on guard 99% of the time when people bring her up (or when they don't bring her up). There is always that 1% where I am taken off guard and that's why I try so hard to always have my shield up.

So yes, some people suck and some people don't and then there are some people in the middle...they don't get it, but they sort of try aka well meaning morons and I suppose I could cut them a little slack...I said a little (it's not like I'm a Saint or something ;) )