Monday, October 31, 2011

Some people...

Warning...the following is a rant...it's one of those days.

There is always something isn't there....

Some people just know how to make an already tough situation a million times worse and the amazing part is that they do it without trying and without thinking how their actions directly affect us.

Brian told his co-workers about our pregnancy for several reasons, but one was because it's a fairly small office and he knew word would spread quickly. He told them, but he also made sure they knew our news was still a secret, but most importantly that is was OUR news and not theirs to share.

We really don't live in that small of a town, but when you have lived here your whole life it's amazing to find that those 6 degrees of separation are really true.

Yes, I openly blog about this second pregnancy, but you won't find it on Facebook and you won't find my family openly talking about it. They have been sworn to secrecy as I don't want everyone to know yet. My mom and sister work in the same agency and have so many people they want to tell, people that are invested and truly care about us, but they haven't because they know this news will spread like wild fire. I was really hoping we could keep this pregnancy under wraps until AFTER Addison's birthday. The last thing I need is to feel like no one cares about her birthday because since we are pregnant again we must be healed (please note sarcasm).

Anyways back to my issue. One of Brian's co-workers "let it slip" to her family member (who I don't know and has no business knowing my business). She just so happens to work in my mom and sister's building...small world. So she comes up to my mom and loudly congratulates her on the new baby coming. My mom without missing a beat says "our baby died" (okay here is my dark humor kicking in because that totally cracks me up...way to go mom THAT for sure will shut her up). The lady gets all apologetic and swears she heard the news from a reliable source. So my mom walks her out of the office away from everyone else and tells her that yes, I am pregnant, but we aren't telling people and would appreciate her keeping it to herself.

When my mom tells me this I immediately see red and call Brian to let him know he better have a talk with his co-worker. My mom and sister were upset for multiple reasons, but one being that the people they actually want to tell can't know yet and some random chick knows and is telling God knows who else.

When Brian asked his co-worker she was very apologetic and said it just came up. That the lady was saying how sad she was for us (even though I don't know her...thanks lady) and the co-worker's daughter was actually the one to say "oh, but they are pregnant again". Here is my second and even bigger issue. Since we are pregnant again that automatically “takes away the sad and we are healed again”...which "ironically" makes me more sad and more hurt than I was before as if I didn't have enough.

Ugh. She told Brian she hadn't told anyone else and then we hear of someone else she told that my dad knows...are you F-ing kidding me?!?! If it's not your news then shut your trap. Brian told me about this the morning and I have been seething my whole way into work. She told him that the people "were bleeding" for us and so she told them. Why so they would feel better? So they wouldn't be so sad? BECAUSE WE ARE STILL BLEEDING NEW PREGNANCY OR NO NEW PREGNANCY OUR DAUGHTER IS STILL DEAD.

It's not even really her, well it is, but it isn't. It's the mindset of the people who don't get it that believe that a new baby is the key to starting over, getting a "fresh start" and putting the past behind us. Well news flash hunny, I'm still as broken as I've ever been, I’m still mourning my daughter like you wouldn't believe and the chance at bringing home a baby (while wonderful) is also a painful reminder of the things we will NEVER EVER get to do with Addison.

So yes, I am expecting "another" baby, but this baby is not Addison and Addison is not this baby. The two are not interchangeable and I would like to know one parent who would be willing to swap out one child for another...anyone?!?! Yeah, I didn't think so.

Okay, I think I can breathe a little better now…thank you for listening. If I didn’t have this place I think I would live in a room with white padded walls.

Friday, October 28, 2011

This baby hates me...

So the GOOD news is that this baby is still alive and has a beating heart...as of this morning anyway (I only believe things are okay when I can actually see with my own eyes). Everything looked good and our doctor was happy.

We weren't supposed to have an ultrasound today and at 13 weeks I fully expected to be able to HEAR the heartbeat. Our doctor was so sure he would find it that the ultrasound machine was not waiting for us like it was last time. He searched and he searched and he searched...this was feeling familiar in a way that I never ever want to have. He said my heart was getting so loud it's all he could hear...you think?!? I guess my heart rate started out at 100 (I am always nervous there) then when he couldn't find the baby's heartbeat mine shot up to 110. Thankfully he decided it was time to get the ultrasound machine.

Brian said he could see the tears welling up in my eyes and I can tell you I was only thinking one thing "here we go again". I wasn't moving or talking. I was just trying to breathe, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

The ultrasound machine went on and I saw our baby doing what looked like the "Caterpillar" dance. So all that worry for nothing. Our doctor showed us that beautiful beating heart and I think all three of us took a collective sigh of relief. I didn't get a picture or actually find out how many BPM because it all happened so fast, but the end of the story is that the baby is alive and well. As a side note as soon as I knew the baby was okay, my heart rate came down to 80...funny how that works.

Our doctor tried again with the doppler after he knew exactly where the heart was and still couldn't find it. He said the baby must be in the perfect position that makes it so he can't find it...awesome baby...thank you for that...I feel the love. So hopefully this baby will make things easier on us in the future, but I have a feeling this kid isn't done raising hell. I guess since Addi's pregnancy was so "easy" and "perfect" and then we had the outcome that we did so if this one is the farthest thing from "easy" and "perfect" and we get a living baby to bring home in the end, I will be okay with it.

I still can't believe I have no gray hairs...I bet they will be coming sooner rather than later. Week 13 and I have yet to HEAR my baby's heartbeat. Thank goodness in this case seeing is believing!

This pregnancy after loss business is tough work. Ugh.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

13 Weeks

How Far Along: 13 weeks (our baby is as big as a Peach)
Maternity Clothes: Only maternity pants, but still normal tops. Mostly sweaters...it's cold out!Movement: It must be phantom movement because I catch myself going...wait...was....that?!?! And then I come back to reality and realize it is still too soon.
Sleep: Decent this last week other than back pain keeping me up after my 4 am bathroom break.
Gender:  Trying not to put much thought into it.
Symptoms: Morning sickness is almost gone. I still eat first thing, but the crackers aren't needed and as long as I don't wait too long in between meals I seem to be okay.
Cravings: Potatoes, baked, mashed, fried...you name it, I'll eat it.
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  Carving pumpkins with the fam. It was just a really nice day. Nothing really baby related...more Addi related with the Addi pumpkin.
Freak-out of the week: When my back went all crazy I started to convince myself it was back labor then when I used the heating pad and told the nurse about it she told me not to use it for more than 20 minutes at a time...which I already did. So then I was pretty convinced I had "cooked" the baby...ugh
What I miss: What don't I miss?
What I am looking forward to:  Hearing the heartbeat tomorrow...I hope...I am also equally terrified he won't find it...remember I heating pad cooked the baby!
Next Appointment: Friday, October 28, 2011.

Something Else: Since my back has been all jacked up it has pretty much been my focus...good I suppose. Another distraction. I went to physical therapy last night and this morning and am walking upright again...I look more like the guy on the right instead of the left...with some differences, but you get the picture.
I'm still in pain, but the whole walking normal thing has been very much appreciated. I still get the pain that shoots down my legs making them feel week, but I am hoping the chiropractor appointment tomorrow will help with that. One step at a time. I will tell you that it really makes me appreciate the little things like getting up from a chair, sitting, standing etc. Almost makes me want to go for a run when I am all better...I said almost ;)

I know I am forgetting something, but this is all I can come up with for now....possible pregnancy brain or....possibly it's just me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tuesday Ramblings

Today I am at home in my yoga pants and sweatshirt on the couch...sound lovely?!? It's not and here's why. As far as I know the baby is okay, but my lower back is not. I did nothing, lifted nothing, heard no pop and yet I am in the worst physical pain. It started on Friday where every once in a while it would tense up on me and the pain would shoot down my legs and make them feel weak. It wasn't too often and I pushed through the pain.

Saturday was the same, but slightly more frequent. I also went to my first baby shower post Addison and it was good. It was for a very close friend and she is having a boy so I knew there would be no fluffy pink anything and there wasn't...except for the jerks moms who brought their baby girls. I was hoping seeing some super cute boy things would help get me on the boy bandwagon...it didn't help. I still desperately hope for a sister for Addison. More on that later.

That night we had family pumpkin carving extravaganza. I made my homemade corn chowder that I only make 2-3 times a year and we all carved pumpkins together (my parents, siblings and our significant others). My dad carved his pumpkin to say "Addi" and I have to say that was my favorite one. It was a really nice night and something we will have to do again next year.



Sunday morning I woke up and knew my back was getting worse. By 9 am I was on the couch trying not to move. Brian left for a football party and I thought things would be fine. From 9:30 to 10:30 I tried to get off the couch (tried being the operative word). At 10:30 I finally made it to the floor. I was trying to get to the shower because I thought the water would help my muscles relax. I decided at that point to call my sister. I thought someone should be there if something happened while I was in the shower. I didn't want Brian to miss out on his party because my back was being dumb.

It took me 8 minutes to crawl (on my hands and knees) to the bathroom that is less than 20 feet away. To add to the visual I can tell you that I put my phone in my bra (couldn't carry it) and I was wearing my pj's and robe the dogs were following me and thoroughly confused as to what was happening and why I was on the floor.

Once I made it to the bathroom I couldn't sit upright enough to turn on the light and couldn't get undressed although I did manage to get my robe off. So I got into the tub still on my hands and knees with my clothes on. Alisa showed up about 2 minutes later and turned the light on for me. She also laughed when she saw me in the tub...I laughed too it was seriously ridiculous. There are only a handful of people you want to see you when you are at your worst, she is one of them. She somehow managed to help my to my bed where I stayed for the rest of the day. I was on the verge of tears from the pain. The last thing I wanted was to go to the ER, but it was something I was considering. My head takes me to places so much worse...I was thinking back labor and that things were going very wrong, but as far as I know it is just a back thing.

Monday was better, I could stand and walk (while holding onto things). I dressed myself from the waste up and my sweet husband had to do the rest (talk about feeling useless...it's not fun to be unable to dress yourself). I made it to work and they took one look at me and told me to leave. There is no hiding this kind of pain.

I got to the chiropractor and my back was SO bad he was afraid to work on me. He said it was impressive that I made it from my car to his office and there was a chance adjusting me would actually make things worse (he knows I am pregnant and he knows about Addison) he is taking no chances. He referred me to a physical therapist, but I couldn't get in until Wednesday. He also had me buy a pregnancy support band and it does help a little.

Today I put my pants on by myself, but I still had to have Brian put my socks and shoes on...baby steps. Even though I was moving slightly better today I am still in a lot of pain and can't do anything quickly or bend down...if it gets dropped, it is staying on the floor. I was sent home again and am icing my back as often as possible.

I used the heating pad in the beginning, but I of course worry that I am cooking the baby and I refuse to take any kind of medication so ice it is. I haven't gotten the doppler yet, but I wish I did. I would like some reassurance that this baby is okay. I have been in contact with my doctor's nurse and my next appointment is Friday so that will be good, I hope.

So there are my ramblings. Now maybe my head will clear up enough to write a better post later...maybe.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

12 Weeks

12 Weeks
How Far Along: 12 weeks (our baby is as big as a Plum)
Maternity Clothes: Yesterday I put up on button up blouse and it was feeling rather tight in the tummy region. Also about half way through the day my stomach was feeling crampy when I realized my pants may be too tight. I guess 12 weeks is when the maternity pants make their appearance. There is no going back from here! I still try and minimize any bump sightings as much as possible. Today I am nice and comfy in my full panel work pants :)
Movement: I think sometimes I make movement up in my head. I know the baby is moving, but I know I haven't actually felt it.
Sleep: I am sleeping through the night, but I wake up just exhausted. No matter what time I try and go to bed I usually can't fall asleep until 10 or later, but come morning time dragging myself out of bed is a job of it's own.
Gender:  Still feel like it's a boy, but I am still holding out some pink hope.
Symptoms: Morning sickness is easing up. I had my first leg cramp one night this week and just feeling extra tired.
Cravings: Grape flavored Popsicle...it's like I am a 5 year old.
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  Our ultrasound and seeing a baby that was not only alive, but looked like a baby and was dancing all over the place.
Freak-out of the week: Yesterday afternoon I was experiencing some pretty strong cramping that lasted for about 4 hours. I was constantly checking for spotting (there was none), but I was really starting to freak myself out. The old me knew it was just my uterus expanding, but the new me thought it was the start of a miscarriage...new me sucks. I called my doctor's nurse and got her voicemail. I called back again and talked to the on call nurse who confirmed it was just my uterus. Even though that's what I thought it was, once I heard HER say it to me I started to calm down and relax a little. The rest of the night was okay after that, but I did take it easy. Brian even made dinner aka ordered Chinese :)
What I miss: old me
What I am looking forward to:  Next week is our OB appointment. No ultrasound, but we will hopefully hear the heartbeat for the first time. We have seen it 3x, but still haven't HEARD it.
Next Appointment: Friday, October 28, 2011.

Something Else: I had this book I bought when I was pregnant with Addison. It was called "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" I read it each week to find out everything going on with our little girl. This time I haven't even gotten it out. I get the weekly email reminders of what is happening, but that's it. Before I got pregnant I bought "Pregnancy After a Loss" and I haven't read anymore since I actually got pregnant. I still feel like I am in denial about this whole thing...like I better not get excited, because once I do BAM no more baby. I know that isn't actually the case (well sort of), but dang.

It's odd to be wearing maternity pants today...like this is really happening. Even though making it through the first 12 weeks with Addi was no sweat I really didn't think we would with this one. I guess I was hoping if something was going to go wrong this time it would happen before now. I know no matter what a loss would be beyond difficult, but the closer we get the more I realize that if something goes wrong we could be burying another baby...it's hard to put into words all of the emotions going on.

I was asked if I am excited and honestly the answer is no. I am still way to scared for excitement. I did have one moment of excitement after seeing this baby moving on the ultrasound, but now I am back to being scared again.

Our doctor said we could come in any time we want just to hear the baby's heartbeat. Since our last appointment was a week ago tomorrow and our next one isn't for one more week it makes sense for us to go in tomorrow (right smack in the middle). I told Brian I couldn't decide if we should do it or not. I feel like the first time we HEAR it should be with our doctor and since this isn't a real appointment, it wouldn't be with him. I am really struggling with that. That probably makes no sense, but it's something I am struggling with. Brian has left the choice up to me so we will see how tomorrow goes and if I cave or not.

Monday, October 17, 2011

FRAGILE HANDLE WITH CARE

That's how I feel today...fragile and needing to be handled with care. I am on the brink of tears and I have no reason other than my baby died and I am still sad about it. I wonder how many times I will say "I just miss her" in my life...it's already been so many and yet I know that sentence will be uttered a gazillion more times throughout my lifetime.

Some days I am prepared to be asked questions, I am prepared to talk about my girl in whatever situation comes up. I find that IF I can help it, it is best to share her with other WITHOUT crying. If I am able not to cry, it makes it less scary for people to ask and maybe just maybe they will ask again. Because I need them to ask again so I try my best to put on a brave face and let them know it is okay to talk about her.

I know that tears are not a bad thing, I know that they are just a release of something that is already there. I know that they are important, but not everyone knows that. Our society is so scared of "upsetting" us or "making us cry" when really I wish they knew that they weren't upsetting me or making me cry, just allowing me to release that emotion because it is already right there at the surface waiting to explode.

Today is one of those days, where it just needs to explode. Where I hope no client/stranger etc. asks me any questions regarding my children, necklace etc. Because I can't do it today. Maybe after I hit publish on this post I won't feel like this anymore...something about throwing all my feelings up in this space is one of the greatest releases I have found...just maybe my day will be easier after this post and that is my true hope.

I hate feeling like this and yet I am so in love with my daughter that if this is the ONLY way I get to love her, I will embrace it. Even after 10+ months of grieving I still would not erase her from my story.

Before work I ran to the grocery store to grab a few things, I NEVER go to Fred Meyer, but of course today I did. I parked next to the exit where you have to walk by the baby clothes....clearly I wasn't thinking. The onesie they have on the aisle as you walk by says "SISTER" and is bright pink...it would have been perfect for Addi. I think that was where today started to go downhill.

As I was desperately trying to hold it together at work I get this text from my sister "I had a dream last night that we were all at the lake and Addi was like 2 1/2 and playing in the water with you, Brian was throwing the Frisbee with Alex. I walked out of the house, Addi saw me and was so excited that she ran out of the water and gave me the biggest hug. She was so beautiful and I woke up so happy. And now I have been crying all day".

Of course that text was all I needed to have all my tears released. I hate that I am a blubbery mess, but I am still so glad she shared that with me...and a little jealous too. I wish that could have been my dream. A two and a half year old Addi, I can't even imagine.

It's days like today I wish I didn't have to work, that I had the luxury of going home, putting on my yoga pants and curling up on the couch in front of the fire and crying until the tears dried up. Instead I will put on my big girl pants, force a fake smile and make it through the day because well...that's what I do. It's not strength or grace or any of that nice sounding shit, it's just plain survival.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Yesterday's appointment and October 15th

First let me just say how great yesterday's appointment went! I was nervous as usual, but the 64 ounces of water I drank just before the scan was hurting so bad I was focused on how badly I wanted to empty my bladder! Brian and I waited to be called back and couldn't help, but notice the other happy pregnant couples. We speculated about what their stories were and I couldn't help, but remember how different this office seemed the first time around.

We went back to the ultrasound room and the tech. was kind enough to let me empty my bladder, God bless her! She started the scan and before she said there WAS still a heartbeat we saw our baby moving! This time our little blob was more than a blob and actually resembled a baby! At one point the baby put it's hand up and she said it was waving at us. She even got a picture for us. We were so surprised at all the movement, it looked like baby jazzercise in there! Kind of amazing all that is happening and I can't feel it yet.

Something changed for me after this appointment. I still feel like I am keeping an arms length distance, but seeing a baby that looks like a baby was something.

The heart was beating at 179 glorious beats per minute and our once "behind" little one is now caught up and measuring 1 day ahead! This is WAY too soon to be able to tell the sex, but just for fun she told us that she can sometimes see something tiny indicating a penis...nothing tiny found, but I am not counting my chickens, but oh how I would love to give Addi a little sister.

I had researched what could be seen at this appointment and had a million questions for her. I know she can't answer everything, but there were certain things I wanted her to check. At this point everything is checking our just as it should.

The tech. was so great she seems invested in this pregnancy too and was obviously touched by our story...personally it feels wonderful to have so many people in our corner.

Here is a picture of our "more than a blob" baby!
11 weeks 1 day "waving"

So for yesterday I was breathing easy, but today I am back to being worried again. It is what it is. I am thankful for yesterday and the chance to see our LIVING baby.

October 15th national pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I normally post nothing on my Facebook regarding baby loss because generally I don't think people can handle it...or worse that they don't care and are over what happened. I decided I don't care either way...well I do, but if they don't like it and delete me then we are both better off.

I posted some facts and links and I think it is good. How else are people supposed to know what this is like if someone like me doesn't tell them. So I think next year I will do the same.

I didn't go to the candle lighting ceremony today because it was just far enough away that I didn't want to drive by myself (Brian works on Saturdays) I know I could have found multiple family members who would have gone with me, but sometimes I only want Brian or no one at all.

I will be lighting a candle from 7-8pm in my front window for Addison and all other babies gone too soon.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

11 weeks and lots of crying

What a week this has been. As far as I know the baby end of things is okay, but really what the hell do I know. We will find out how things are tomorrow, which has a lot to do with my stress level because the closer we get to a ultrasound appointment the higher my blood pressure gets! Some get to be excited to see their baby, while I remain terrified that this could be the day I find out another baby has died inside of me. 

Just when I thought something non-baby related, but good could happen to us, we get just close enough to taste it and then have it be a no-go. I am beyond disappointed. I wish I could talk more about it, but I can't, not on here. Let's just say we had a shot at things being easier, but of course just like the rest of our lives we will take the harder path. I am so sick of getting so close to what we want just to have things not work out in the end.

Last night I was a mess. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in a funk. I was in a rush to get out the door and forgot my Addi necklace. This is only the second time I have ever forgotten it and it sent me into overload. I also went through a yellow light while I was thinking about this and saw a cops lights come on. I didn't get pulled over, but you know the feeling when you think you will be? Well let's just say my heart can't take much more!

I made it to work and my co-workers seemed to be in an extra good mood, they came in smiling and laughing and then saw in my face that this was not a good day. They asked what was wrong and I immediately started crying (why do people ask what's wrong when it's obvious you are upset). They were telling me how I need to find joy in this pregnancy and that this stress isn't good for the baby...gee I wish I had thought of that. For the record hearing that I need to stress less because it is bad for the baby only makes me stress more.

Finally I was left alone to pull myself together and finish out the day. I have only ever cried at work 4 times in the last 9 months so really I am still pretty proud of myself for keeping my shit together. My car, house, bedroom etc., well those places are a different story.

Because there wasn't enough going on this week my poor grandpa who is 82 was admitted to the hospital with stomach pain. He is my mom's dad and in frail health. I call him Bopa (sounds like papa, but with a B, I also spelled it like this when I started to write and the spelling stuck even though my sister swears it should be Boppa...whatever, I made up this name for him it as a baby and it stuck...my made up name, my made up spelling). He wound up needing surgery because at 82 another surgery sounds like a great idea...not. Thankfully it went great and he may get to come home today.

Well as if him being in the hospital wasn't stressful enough when I went to visit him I saw a family coming out of there with a new bundle of joy...the pink variety...ugh. Oh yeah this is the same hospital Addi was born at and DID NOT COME HOME FROM. I tried to shrug it off, but then comes the grandma of the pink bundle AND I know her FML. She stops me and starts going on about how I just missed her daughter. I managed to say how great for her, but that was all. I think she could tell I was uncomfortable. I didn't ask name, weight, etc. and thankfully she didn't offer it up. I really didn't want to know.

I also went to the chiropractor twice this week, which is a ton for me. I haven't been since before I got pregnant and that was just to make sure I was all aligned before ttc. Twice in one week is unheard of. I had a spot so painful it was making it hard to breathe. Apparently I have been carrying around some stress...you don't say?!? Luckily my chiropractor is magic and I already (physically) feel much better.

I have to say the further we get in this pregnancy the scarier things get. I stand by the statement that I don't feel ready to be pregnant, but I feel as ready today as I will ever feel. There will never be a point where this becomes "easy" or "old normal".

I still try not to think much about this baby (as far as long term) I am living in the present and in the past (damn I miss my girl), but not in the future. The future and me have no relationship what so ever. I just can't allow myself to hope too big, I just can't.

A client asked me today if I had any kids (in reference to Halloween) his English isn't good and I didn't want to go through the whole thing so I just answered with "non that will be participating in Halloween" I should have said "non that will be dressing up", but whatever comes out at the moment is what I have to stick with. He looked at me strange (probably thought I don't celebrate it), but I quickly started asking about his kids/plans and he didn't put another thought into my answer.

If only I could have told him all about how this would be my daughter's first Halloween, but it's not.

Since this month is Pregnancy/Infant Loss awareness I started posting a some facts/links on my Facebook (which I NEVER do). I keep my sad baby loss world here because I know FB is for happy people who generally don't want to hear about it, but this week I am informing them and if they want to delete me then I hope they do because I obviously don't need them if they feel that way.

Tonight we have a support group meeting and it couldn't come at a better time...I need it!

11 Weeks
How Far Along: 11 weeks (our baby is as big as a lime)
Maternity Clothes: I pulled them out of the room I never go into. Now they are sitting in a pile on my floor waiting to be gone through and re-washed. I make no promises to when this happens.
Movement: yeah right
Sleep: Slept through the night this week...that's a big deal although poor Brian was awake from 2:45 am on this morning so maybe he has taken over that symptom for me.
Gender:  9 more weeks till we can find out
Symptoms: Morning sickness is actually worse in the morning...what a concept. I have to start out my day by eating right away and then crackers till lunch. I really feel lucky that i am not as sick as I could be.
Cravings: Sent Brian out on a craving inspired grocery trip. All bad for me things. Peach pineapple salsa, Pillsbury crescent rolls and chocolate milk...I swear I eat my fruit and veggies too :)
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  We celebrated my mom's parent's 54th wedding anniversary and my dad's parents' 60th wedding anniversary. That's pretty amazing.
Freak-out of the week: Last night I really freaked out over everything baby and non-baby related. Cried myself to sleep, which hasn't happened in a while. Tomorrow is our next ultrasounds and I always freak before them. I forgot my Addi necklace this morning so I started out the day in tear...awesome.
What I miss: The days when I used to not be a crier.
What I am looking forward to:  Next week...I always seem to want to fast forward to any time table possible!
Next Appointment: tomorrow, October 14, 2011.

Something Else: I wasn't going to go to the pumpkin patch this year, but my brother and his girlfriend Lyndsey (who I adore) convinced us to double with them. It was sad to be there knowing last year I had a nice round Addi belly, but we picked out pumpkins for each of us, one for me, Brian, Addi and the one is my belly.

Sorry this is such a downer post today, I will leave you with a few pictures from our trip to the pumpkin patch. I strategically stayed out of any pictures :)
Alex & Lyndsey, I love these two so much!

My pumpkin carrier <3

Our family of 4 in pumpkins, there will always be a pumpkin for Addi.
****PS If you are not a BLM and want to comment on here, comments are always welcome, please feel free to leave a note or email me. And if you are a BLM and follow this blog and comment there have been a few I have tried to go to and can't find a blog for so if you follow me and want me to follow you please leave your link for me to follow :)****

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Fear in the eyes of a 13 year old boy

Friday Brian and I did something I have been fearing. Let me rewind a little. I have two people in my life who mean the world to me. Two children who I have known all their lives and love as if they were my own. I have spent much of my life babysitting and loving these two. I call them my rent-a-children because I would do anything for them and have them so often.

A is 13. He was a difficult child, but has turned out to be pretty amazing. He has taught me patience in ways I didn't know were possible. As he has grown I expected he would "grow out" of loving me maybe even be embarrassed by me, but that isn't the case at all. He is smart, funny and still gets excited to see me every time I come over.

He was so excited for Addison. SO SO excited, but not as excited as his little sister...or so I thought. L is 8 and everything girl. From the moment I knew her mom was pregnant with her I knew she was a girl and I knew I was in love with her. She makes me smile no matter what. She is just the sweetest, kindest, girliest girl and I can't get enough of her.

The two of them gave me the best practice for the job I always wanted...the mom job. They were ready for Addi and getting to help out with her. L had never gotten to hold a baby before and the two of them fought about who would hold Addi first.

When we lost Addi I knew we had to tell them, luckily their mom told them so we didn't have to. I will never forget being at Addison's service and looking over to see the two of them bawling uncontrollably. it broke me in a whole new way. To know I was (in a way) responsible for their sadness...I still haven't gotten over the fact that this situation was the hardest thing these two have ever been through.

I have been dreading telling them we are pregnant again because well I can't stand the thought of something else bad happening and being responsible for more of their pain, but at the same time I hate that strangers know and yet these two important people are left out of the loop.

We told them Friday and they were both so excited...and then A's look of immediate excitement went from ecstatic to terrified. I saw his eyes change from sparkly to terror in less than 30 seconds because...he gets it. He gets that this isn't guaranteed. He is worried for him and he is worried for us and I am responsible for that. He is 13 and he gets it...I hate that he gets it.

So as if I didn't already have a million reasons for needing this baby to live, I am adding 2 more to the list. Come on little one, please don't die, we all need you.

This picture was taken several years ago, but it's my favorite of the 3 of us :)

Friday, October 7, 2011

10 Weeks

*Sorry I didn't get this posted yesterday, there has been a lot goin on.

How Far Along: 10 weeks (our baby is as big as a kumquat)
Maternity Clothes: I will probably go find them soon. I am using the ol' rubber band trick with my jeans, but the rest of my clothes seem to fit just fine.
Movement: Nope
Sleep: For the most part I have been sleeping well all though last night I was up from 2am-4am for no reason :(
Gender: 10 more weeks till we can find out
Symptoms: Morning sickness from the moment I wake up until 1-2pm then it lets up a bit. A few days ago it seemed to be letting up, but the last 2 days have been back strong...today is partly because I didn't get enough sleep. The less sleep I get the more sick I feel.
Cravings: Last night I wanted some peach pineapple salsa, but the effort it would have taken to change out of my yoga pants and go to the store wasn't worth it. My sweet husband offered to go, but I didn't want to make him do that...not yet anyways.
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  Friday we weren't able to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, but our doctor had the ultrasound machine waiting for us just in case and we were able to see the baby and the heartbeat, which was wonderful. Our doctor is just so wonderful at calming me.
Freak-out of the week: I got freaked when our doctor wasn't able to find the heartbeat with the doppler, but he was so quick about getting the ultrasound that my freak-out was limited. I still have non-baby related stress going on so that is helping me stay distracted.
What I miss: What don't I miss?!?!
What I am looking forward to:  This week being over and next weeks ultrasound appointment.
Next Appointment: Friday, October 14, 2011.

Something Else: This started last week, but on the morning of a "new week" Brian and I have been high-fiving each other...Just one more wait to celebrate I suppose!

I also got my little email telling me what is happening with the baby and my body blah blah blah. The email talked about our little fetus...and that really struck me. It really upsets me that Addison and this baby at this stage are considered the same in medical terms. Don't get me wrong, I think this baby should be considered a fetus, but it just really hurts that Addison wasn't considered a baby. She could have lived outside me on her own and yet I only have a "Fetal Death Certificate" for her. I know this topic could be debated for ever and I am not trying to offend anyone, but I can't help, but be hurt with the comparrison. I suppose I just wish there were more terms to be used and that all stages could be defined differently. Ugh.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

10 Months...double digits

Each month is so hard to know that we are just that much farther away from our little girl. This month has a new feeling...because now we are in double digits. Ten, 10, all my fingers on both hands, any way I say it is a lot and it sucks.

So much is different and yet so much is the same. Our lives still go on like they did before Addison was born and it still bothers us that our lives still have that flexibility. We want to be tied down and busy and tired from our little 10 month old girl.

I wonder what sounds she would be making...possibly mama or dada....maybe an early walker? Even if she was doing everything slow we wouldn't care...just to have her here to see the changes in her face and personality.

10...how is it even possible?

Dear Addi,

Another month is here without you. This month starts the cold weather and I wish we could have you bundled up in a pink puffy coat and hat, one hand in daddy's and one hand in mine helping you to go for a walk and check out all the changing colors.

The end of this month is Halloween. I really don't know how that will go. I find myself desperately wanting to take part in the fun, but also not wanting it at all. How can I go to a Halloween party when all I want is to dress you up and show you off to friends and family. We never got a chance to pick out a costume, but I have always loved the lady bug costumes (I know they are super popular, but you would have rocked the crap out of it).

So here we are. October is here, the weather is changing, the pumpkins are out and I am pregnant again, but you are not here.  I hate these milestones without you, I hate everything without you. I love you sweet girl and as I've said a million times before, I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Monday, October 3, 2011

Addison's Mom

Saturday I was running errands and trying to be the wife who actually gets some things accomplished. I managed to clean the house (okay some of it) take Annie to the dog wash place (I did the washing it's just easier not to have to bend over my tub for an hour) and go to Costco.

After I gave Annie her bath and she was smelling all great I walked her over to the pet store next door. I decided to buy her a bone for being such a good girl and hoping it would keep her busy while I shopped at Costco.

Why is it the people who work in pet stores ALWAYS refer to you as your pet's mom? That drives me freakin' nuts. I hated it before Addison and now it really pisses me off. I used to shrug it off, but now I make a point to say I am not her mom, she's just a dog. Don't get me wrong, I love this damn dog, but lets be clear if I lost her it would be nothing compared to what I have been through. To those of you that like being referred to as your pet's parent, that's fine for you it's just not my thing. I just only want to be referred to as Addison's mom and no one else...well eventually this baby, but I can't quite wrap my head around that either.

Okay, so after my pet store experience I went to Costco. I went about my shopping and tried to ignore the sweet little dresses, tutu's, footy pajamas (I LOVE those) etc. I even managed to walk by the Christmas decorations without getting too angry. I made it to check out. The lines were SO long...reminding me why I NEVER go to Costco on a Saturday. I had lots of time to look around while I waited for my turn to check out and then I saw it...

Right next to me in the line to my left was a mom with her kids. Her back was to me and her sweatshirt read across the back in big bold black letters   ADDISON'S MOM   *insert gut punch here*. It just took my breath away. I couldn't stop staring and it really hit me. I wanted to tell her that should be my sweatshirt. I wanted to tell her I had an Addison too, I wanted my Addison to be with me, but none of that could happen.

I know we picked a popular name, but damn did I have to be right there at that time in that line and did she have to have THAT sweatshirt on? I mean come on universe?!?! I hate that I will never be referred to as Addison's mom. As mom's we lose our identity with our kid's friends and their parents often times only referred to as so in so's mom...how I wish that was my fate.

Other kids/parents will hopefully know me as someone else's mom, but it stings that it won't be as Addison's. I wish I could wear the sweatshirt that advertises my daughter's team, but the only shirt I own with Addison's name on it advertises a group that helps families with funeral expenses. Ugh.

Why is it that society is more okay with associating me as my pet's mom than to my dead baby...now that's messed up.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Doppler appointment take one

9/29/11- 9 weeks 1 day
Yesterday's appointment went well. Brian wound up having to work (normally he has Fridays off and that's why I make ALL my appointments on Fridays). I panicked when I heard he had to work, but he promised no matter what he would make it there.

I got there first and the nurse brought me back. She said they had no problem waiting for Brian before they started. She took my blood pressure and I told her again that it was probably best to take it after the appointment. I was right, it was super high again. She said she would put it in  my chart that from now on they take it after the appointment is over. By the time I had been weighed Brian was there. Thank goodness, but I knew he would be.

Our doctor is so great and didn't make us wait at all. He started out asking what questions I had (I had a million) he patiently answered all of them.  My biggest concern was the doppler. I told him that I had read that 9 weeks was too early to find the heartbeat with the doppler and that it might be better to not look for it today and wait for a little longer. He said that I WOULD NOT be leaving without knowing this baby was alive...it's possible I love him as much as Brian haha. He said the rolling ultrasound machine was waiting in the hallway just in case!

He started with the doppler and was talking with Brian the whole time he was searching (well I guess he was talking to both of us, but I was quietly trying to listen and those two wouldn't shut up). I know he was doing it to distract me, but you can't distract a mom listening to make sure her baby is alive. For a second I thought I heard it, but then he said that my my heartbeat...that felt familiar :( He acted like it was no big deal and wheeled in the ultrasound machine. He found the baby AND the heartbeat right away *insert sigh of relief*. I didn't cry this time...I don't know why, I think I just had too many thoughts going in my head. I was really REALLY relieved.  The heartbeat was 160bpm.

Our doctor went on to say that he had no reason to believe anything would go wrong for us. He said all this extra testing, monitoring, extra time etc. was just to calm my fears. I appreciate that he thinks things will "work out" for us this time, but I am well aware all this extra stuff is being done for my own sanity. I accept that. I need it and I will take it. I know that even with all these extras we could still have something go wrong, but any little anything is important at this point. I am glad he is so optimistic, but lets be honest, there was no reason to think things wouldn't "work out" with Addison.  I've said it before and I will say it again, I may be crazy this time around, but I have earned it and I own my crazy. I am glad our doctor will indulge me either way!

I was a little bummed that we didn't get to hear the heartbeat again, but seeing is believing and I have no complaints. We got our little picture and were sent on our way. For that moment I felt relief that things were okay. I wish I could walk around with a monitor on me 24/7! Our next appointment is in 2 weeks so now we wait and I continue wishing and hoping and worrying...and grieving. God, I miss my little girl.

We also had the "financial" appointment afterwards and it's always fun to have a "baby payment" NOT. Don't get me wrong, it's totally worth it, but dang even with insurance we now have another "car type" payment each month not including the hospital bill that will come later...didn't we already do this...oh yeah we did and we still had no baby to take home :( This baby business is no joke! Shouldn't we get a discount or something ;) I'm just sayin'!

So as of yesterday I still had a living baby with a heartbeat in my belly. Any day I can know that is a good day. I woke up nice and nauseous this morning so please oh please little one hang in there for us!