Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sore baby muscle

This weekend Brian and I got to be a part of a beautiful wedding for two very dear friends. Brian and my brother were groomsmen and it was a special day for all of us. This particular couple happened to have their first dance at our wedding and the bride even caught my bouquet almost exactly 3 years ago.

At the rehearsal the bride's mother came up to me and said something I will never forget. She said don't you just love weddings. It reminds you of your own and how much you thought you loved your husband on that day and now after some time how much you REALLY love each other and how you would pick him all over again. Weddings have changed for me like that too. I thought I loved Brian on our wedding day, but yesterday seeing him stand up there with the bride and groom I was so proud to say he was mine. I am so in love with that man who is my daughter's father.

My wish for the bride and the groom is that they can grow in their love as we have and that their lives contain more joy than sorrow. When sorrow comes may they hold on like hell to one another because together they will make it.

During the rehearsal I held a baby (boy) who was born less than two months before Addison. There was lots to be done and it was a small way I could help. I feel like I get extra looks when I am around babies (people wondering what I will do, cry, run away with the baby, etc.). People kept asking if I was ok holding him and I kept saying I was because I was...I would have given him back if I couldn't handle it. I held him yesterday at the wedding too.

This morning I woke and my "baby muscle" is sore. You know how after you hold a baby on one side for a long time that muscle in your arm actually gets sore. I had forgotten about how that happens. If Addi were here it would have been used to the weight of a baby. My arms usually feel empty and ache for Addi, but today they physically ache. It's not something I am crying about it just makes me miss Addi in a different way. This baby boy LOVED my Addi necklace and every time he reached for it I thought about how they should be playing together, but instead of being able to entertain each other I was entertaining him.

Something else happened at the rehearsal. For the first time I had someone ask me "is that a footprint on your necklace"? I answered yes. I was surprised this woman noticed because we were sitting across the aisle from each other plus no one has ever said anything about it to me that didn't know. As I was smiling to myself she did something that really shocked me...she then asked "did you lose a baby" I was like "uh umm uh yes, I did". Turns out she is a NICU nurse and had helped by putting bereavement packages together.

I hate that my truth is that I did lose a baby, but somehow it was extremely comforting to me that a stranger knew just by my necklace.

Friday, July 29, 2011

GLOW Questions

I see a few have posted their answers from GLOW at the kitchen table and I thought I would post my answers before I read too many. I loved the "Right Where I am" project, but didn't participate. I think it is great when we all take the time to stop and think where we are and where we have come.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)?  Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow? 

It's been 7 months, 3 weeks and 3 days, but really I count the time in months (month/month and a half type status). In the beginning I was counting days, then it changed to weeks and now months. I believe this is the same way I would have counted Addison's age had she lived. Some days I can't believe how much time has passed and others it seems like that day I heard those awful words "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat" seems like a million years ago or at least 10.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief?  How much time do you think that will take?  How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss?  How much time do you think you need now?

Like when do I think I will be healed?!? How about today? Today would really work well for me (please note sarcasm). I wish I saw an end to my grief to be the normal happy-go-lucky person that believes good things come to those who wait, but now I know that this loss I feel does not hold a time line it is timeless and I will grieve for my daughter FOREVER because there will never be a day that she shouldn't be here in my life. She was supposed to bury me. So I will miss my almost 8 month old, my future 8 year old, 18 year old etc. I try not to wallow in my sadness every second of every day, but I will need certain moments, sometimes hours and sometimes days to grieve with the hard ugly cry kind of grieving whenever it comes up. I have submitted to grief in the sense that when it comes calling, I will answer because answering at the first knock is far easier than answering after ignoring it.

3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital?  How long did it take to get there?


If there is a song on the radio that makes me sad I make myself listen even from the beginning. If I have a sad feeling coming on I let myself be sad in that moment as not to prolong it throughout the day. If I turned the channel it would just make me think about it for the rest of the day. I would much rather listen to it then, deal with it and go about my day then to dwell on any given situation messing up my whole day. I did notice Facebook was making me sad this week so I just stopped checking it. No need to force myself to be sad if I know a way to avoid it. I don't know when I will be able to go to a baby shower. I think I would actually be ok, but I think it would make others uncomfortable about showing their excitement in front of me and I would feel more guilt about sucking the air out of the room for my friend then to cry in the corner. I could handle the crying, but could they?

4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased?  Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like?  Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you now feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?  

I view it as the most precious and important time of my life that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. The 40 weeks I had with Addi in my belly was simply magical. I enjoyed every second of my pregnancy and every movement and hiccup was simply delicious. I love that belly she gave me. Our time together was everything I dreamt it would be and more. The day she was born was separate from the day I was told she died and separate from the day we had to leave her so it was a day that I will count as the best day of my life, while it was bittersweet it was the day that I got to meet my daughter, look into her face kiss her all over and tell her how much I loved her. Our time with her was too short, but that time with her is what I cling to on my hardest day. How all the pain was/is worth it for that beautifully perfect little girl.

5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life.  Where are you on this timeline, and you do you find that to be true?

I suppose I can see that. I think grief was such a foreign concept to me prior to Addison. I had never even lost a grandparent only great-grandparents who we knew were not long for the world. There are some days I accept that this life of grief is mine and others I still try and fight it. I suppose in 5 years I will have a larger acceptance of grief's presence. It won't make me like it any better it just is what it is.

6. There's a familiar saying, "Time Heals all wounds."  Do you think this is true?  Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay:  "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?

Both. Today does not feel as heavy or as painful as those first days without Addison, but then all of the sudden I will get hit with a moment and be right back to where I was in that time. Time can be your friend and your enemy. Not every day feels as soul crushing as the first, but when one comes after a period of good days it knocks me down even harder because I was not as prepared as for it as I was in the beginning.

7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)?  How about your relationship with the past?

I had my whole life planned out (it was going according to schedule I might add) now I don't plan anything farther than 1 month out. The rest of the calendar is off limits because a month is the most time I can handle at this moment. I hope for a bright future, but I just can't see it like I used to. It is hard to picture my tomorrow without Addison let alone my next few months/years. As far as the past goes I wish I would have married Brian sooner...why were we engaged for two years, why did we wait so long to start a family. I feel very left behind and yet I wouldn't change a thing because I would never erase Addison from my story...I just wish it had a different ending.

8. How long did it take to answer these questions?

Not really sure, I am trying to get some work done in-between answers...maybe an hour.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Dear (.)

Dear (.),

I just wanted you to know that arriving late is not appreciated. I had taken the pregnancy test days ago and had accepted the negative result, but you arriving late gave me false hope. The rules are you may come early, right on time or preferably not at all. You and I have a love/hate relationship. Your existence reminds me that things are working as they should and a baby could be a possibility, but when we are working so hard for a baby and then you show up, it is beyond disappointing. It is cruel and unusual punishment and I beg of you to knock it off. So next month I hope I won't see you at all, but if you come remember two things, you are to be early or on time. In the word's of Uncle Jesse "kapeesh"?

Not Impressed,
me

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Playing the waiting game

Playing the waiting game sucks...and it's never been something I have been good at. I know what I want and I want what I want. We waited the recommended time given from our doctor and now I am ready to be pregnant...um like yesterday actually.

I took a pregnancy test on Sunday that gave me a BFN (big fat negative). So now I sit and wait for the rest of the confirmation to stop by. I am already mapping out the calendar for what next month will look like. I suppose there is some hope that the test was wrong, but I'm not counting on it.

I know it's the question everyone wants to know so I try and start out all my conversations with "no, I am NOT pregnant". Just to get it out of the way, seems easiest. It's not a secret, everyone knows we are working on it and everyone is so invested in us having a live baby I feel obligated to be upfront and honest. Obligated in a good way. I only share all my info because it is right for me. I am well aware that is not the case for everyone.

When my friend Kim called yesterday I started out the conversation with "no, I am not pregnant". She laughed. She said she wasn't going to ask, but she was wondering. We joked about who gets to be the first to know and how we should tell people. Is there a list of people who get to be in the bathroom when I take the test? Will we video tape the testing and then post it on the blog? Gross. I can't help, but laugh at these crazy visuals we were joking about. Just to clarify, there will be none of that.

I really hate waiting, but when I break down the month into weeks it really doesn't seem that long until we can try try again. It is crazy to me that I have spent a combined 14 months out of my life trying to conceive a baby and only had one positive pregnancy test. It is truly amazing to me that so many women trying NOT to get pregnant get pregnant all the time. How does that work?

I'm trying not to wish my life away, but I just want to fast forward to the day that we have a live, screaming, crying baby. This in between time is for the dogs.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Practically perfect

I keep starting posts and then not finishing them...we will see if this one gets posted.

This weekend was perfect well practically perfect since nothing is ever going to be perfect again. That may be my new life goal to strive for practically perfect...Mary Poppins really had something there! After a few weeks of 60ish degree weather we got to 80 yesterday! This has been the coldest summer I can remember here in WA.

On Saturday I was supposed to go to a birthday party, but it was several hours away and...here's something weird about me...I don't drive by myself to anywhere more than an hour away from home. I know it's weird. I hate driving and I would never do it if I didn't have to. I get nervous when I don't know where I am and I think that makes a bad driver so I just don't do it. Brian drives when we are together and I usually have family or friends that I can ride with if it's far away. This weekend I didn't have anyone to take me so I didn't go. I'm bummed that I missed it, but the stress I would have felt trying to get there would have been too much for me so I stayed home. There you have it, something weird about me. Go ahead and laugh that I am a wussy driver, but at least I know my limits.

I spent both days at the lake getting some R&R. Yesterday my rent-a-kids came over (their mom lets me borrow them whenever I want, thankfully). They are 8 and 13, but I have watched them since they were born. We took them on the jet ski, on the boat and inner tubing. They were just grinning ear to ear all day long and it gave me so much joy to watch them. The 8 year old was a machine on the tube, she is much more brave than I am. She kept yelling "I love this, I live for this" it was too cute.

I did notice something different than other summers…I worried...a lot. When Brian and my sister would take the kids out on the jet ski I worried, when they fell off the tube I worried, when they were out in the sun for too long...I worried. I really hate to worry, but I just can't help it. I know Brian and my sister are not only careful with them, but seasoned drivers WITH their boater's licenses, but I still would watch and worry when they were out of sight. When I drove I would constantly be watching out for any moron drivers that would get too close. When they fell off the tube I worried other boaters wouldn't see them before we could get back to them and I was putting sunscreen on them every other minute.

While I know we are seasoned lake people I still couldn't help, but worry. I am all too aware that the 1% of the time that things can go wrong that we are not exempt from it. The good news is that everyone had fun and no one got hurt...there was some sun burn though even with all my efforts...can't win 'em all and it wasn't for lack of trying.

I understand that worrying doesn't solve anything, but it does help me feel more prepared in the event something does go wrong. I HATE when people tell me not to worry because if I could just stop, don't you think I would?!? It's not fun for me either.

Other than the worry and of course not having Addison with us this was the perfect weekend, well practically. There was laughing, smiling and fun and it was wonderful.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sharing pictures

I had a BLM friend send me pictures of her son, Andrew. I was so surprised as she doesn't have pictures of him on her blog and I never expected to see her sweet Andrew. I was so honored she would share them with me. Then I did something I never do and emailed her a few pictures of Addison.

She emailed back immediately and it felt so good to share them with her. To share Addison with her. We have been talking about our babies, our stories for months and now I can finally put a face to his name. He is beyond adorable. How unfair to have such perfect babies that we did not get to keep.

Last week I downloaded an app for my new iPhone (yeah I know, I finally have a grown-up phone) anyways it is called "sketch me". It cost a whopping .99 cents. Totally worth every penny...and then some. I turned many of Addison's photos into sketches and I actually might be ok sharing them on the blog. I have to sit on it for a while, but I would love to share my Addi without feeling like she is on display for the world. Thoughts?

**Maybe I should have added an example. Here is one I took of my brother the other day. I would add the sketches only, no color photos.**

Monday, July 18, 2011

On an Island

I have talked before about how my parents live on a lake, but even better than that they live on an island...really an actual island that you cross a bridge to get to. There are less than 30 houses on it so it is a very tight knit community.

It was the best neighborhood to grow up in and everyone really watches out for each other. Every summer they have a picnic for everyone to get together. My siblings and I always go because even though we don't all live there anymore these people are our friends and have watched us grow up. Last year it was announced that we were expecting a little girl and I wasn't sure how many people knew our story.

I was worried about who would ask/how they would ask/how I would word my answers, but I knew I just had to go and figure out my answers as needed. I had two people bring up Addison and that was it. I was a little disappointed that no one else said anything. I got a lot of "looks" and "sad" hugs, but that was it. It felt as if she was never really here.

The worst part of the picnic was that even though all of the island kids have grown up this year there are new families on the island and we are not one of them. There were lots of little ones and we should have been in that club, but we weren't. The parents stayed on the side watching their kids play together, talking and exchanging kid stories and we were with the non-kid people. I have never felt more kicked out of the club.

I wanted to talk to the three new moms and be a part of that group, but I knew any information I shared would just lead to questions and then I would have to tell them our sad news. One mom was pregnant, but I didn't ask her due date or any baby related questions. I should have been able to share pregnancy stories, but who wants to hear about one that ended in a dead baby. It makes me feel like because I didn't have a live baby, I don't get to share my experiences because in their eyes my pregnancy failed so it is null and void.

I just hate that we miss out on so much and just when I think the list of things we are missing out on can't get any longer I find something else to add.  Even something as silly as chit chatting in the mom club.

I definitely felt like I was on an island.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Really?!?!

There are some things that just stop you and make you think Really?!?! I have always had those moments, but they seem even more frequent now. Here is my list of Really?!?! Just for today and yesterday.


1. Brian and I went to Lakefair last night, which is an annual tradition for us. It's fun to people watch and eat oh-so-bad for you, but delicious fair food...I won't even talk about all the pregnant teenage girls with their skeeze ball boyfriends hanging all over them...oh wait I am not talking about them...moving on. Well as we were perusing all of our food options we came upon this girl. She had a rip in her pants, not just a little one, but the whole back of her pants. I couldn't look away. Finally I made Brian stand close enough to this train wreck so that I could snap a picture for you all...you are welcome! Nothing, but the best for you my friends!



It is possible she didn't know and I am a huge jerk for laughing, but she was with a group of friends that I am sure would have told her...because how can you not notice AND don't you think you would feel the difference? I mean really?!?!

2. This morning it was so cold I decided to wear a sweater. As I drove to work, I did so with my windshield wipers going and my heater on...this seems normal EXCEPT it's freaking mid July! I am fine with living in a rainy state as long as we get a nice summer to make up for all the yuck...this is unacceptable. Rain and 57 degrees on July 14th...really?!?!
My view while running errands this afternoon...gross!

3. Lastly, I know I will hear a million more stories like this but I still can't wrap my head around the women who get to have babies who don't want them when so many of us would do ANYTHING to have our babies. This one struck especially close to home as this happened in the very same hospital where I gave birth to Addison. She gave birth to her baby in the bathroom and threw him away...in the trash can...unbelievable. The only thing that makes this story even worse than it already is that Washington has a safe-haven law that allows a person to leave a baby, up to 3 days old, with a staff member or volunteer at any fire station, or in the emergency room of any hospital. All she had to do was hand him off to someone and she could have walked away. REALLY LADY?!?!

Ok, that's it for today. Just had to get those off my chest!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's a hard pill to swallow

Last night I finished up my umpteenth bottle of prenatal vitamins. It made me stop and think about how many of these horse pills I have consumed over the years...YES YEARS. I started taking them when we first started ttc. I figured out I have taken them for almost 3 years probably 1000 of them (and that's not to be dramatic, it's a very realistic number). I took them for the year it took us to get pregnant, the 9 months I was pregnant and then I continue to take them hoping to become pregnant again, which who knows how long that will take...maybe I will take them for the rest of my freaking life!

In reality I would still be taking them with Addison here because in a perfect world I would still be nursing her. Since I am not I am annoyed that I need to go purchase another bottle...those suckers aren't cheap! I feel like I should invest in stock of prenatal vitamins, ovulation tests and pregnancy tests or at least start buying in bulk!


It's hard to understand why I am where I am. I don't want to be here I just want the life I had planned. It's a hard pill to swallow this life of mine.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Nick-names and finding out the gender

Our little girl
Before we knew we were having a girl we made up all kinds of names for Addison. She started out as just baby C. then when we told our friend Dre about our pregnancy he called her baby Dre/Drea. My friend Kayla has the nickname Carl and dubbed this baby Carl/Carlita. When the books said it was time for her to start moving and she still hadn't my mom called her Larry the lazy fetus.

It's funny the nicknames we give and the ones that really seem to stick. She will always be all of those names to me.

I really wish I had been able to settle on the name Addison sooner. I wish all of our friends would have know her name before she died, but I'm glad they all had their little names for her. Our minds can be changed so quickly...before I thought I had to meet her to know what her name would be and now I feel like I want names for our subsequent children already picked out!  We already have our girl name picked out and are working on a boy's name. Go figure!

I think it's important (to me) to know the gender and give a name to the baby that way more people can understand that this is a REAL person no matter the outcome, not just a fetus, but a baby!

On Saturday it occured to me what we were doing that exact day 1 year ago. The 9th was the day we found out we were having a little girl. I don't post much on the weekend, but it was on my mind all day! Our appointment was first thing in the morning and I remember I had to drink a ton of water and then hold it until the appointment...such a mean thing to make a pregnant lady drink a ton of water and then not let her pee!

We were nervous and excited, but mostly excited. I was only a little worried they would find something wrong, but mostly I just thought that everything was fine and my biggest concern was pink or blue...oh the good old days when THAT was my biggest concern. Never again. Anywho we were both hoping and praying for a little girl, but we would have been happy with a boy too.

The ultrasound tech. did all her measurements before telling us what we REALLY wanted to know and then finally she said it's a girl! I didn't believe her, I kept asking if she was sure. She said she was 95% sure because she wasn't allowed to give us a guarentee, but she was sure. Brian got a "bug in his eye" that's what he says so I don't think it's a real tear ;) We were just so very thrilled.

We made our family wait until that evening to share the news. We wanted to tell them all together instead of telling one before the other. My sister was calling and texting me all day trying to break me, but I was able to keep our secret. We did call my in-laws to tell them first just because it only seemed fair to tell the people who couldn't be there in person with us about their first and only granddaughter!

My Grandma Millie was in a rehabilitation facility recovering from her surgery to remove cancer (she is now in remission yay) so we went there to share the news so we could all be together. We video taped the group and made everyone guess boy or girl and then we had my grandma read the news to the group. Everyone was so thrilled. It was such a great day and one I will always remember and cherish. Our girl, our daughter, our Addison.

Addison's parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, auntie & uncle (on my side of the family) Not the most flattering of Grandma Millie, but keep in mind she just had major surgery.


Happy parents
Excited mama
Proud papa showing off his little girl
Uncle Alex having a talk with his niece, while I roll my eyes...I should have let them talk to the belly more...ugh

Monday, July 11, 2011

Finding pieces of old me

I had a weird thought this weekend...it was another good week and I couldn't believe I would be so lucky to have another good week. It stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought about the fact that it was so unusual to have had a bunch of good days in a row whereas before December it would be weird to have several bad days in a row. I had forgotten what it felt like to not be sad all day every day.

There have been sad parts and pieces just not any all consuming days recently. I feel lucky to have had these days, but am also weary of what is to come...this is how I live my life.

I continue to miss Addison all day every day, but I guess this month I have resigned myself to knowing that this IS my life. I switch between the thoughts that Addison SHOULD be here in our daily routines to knowing that she can't be here. Maybe the biggest difference is that I don't feel so angry this month. I know the anger isn't gone just dormant.

My dad bought a new inner tube for the lake this weekend. I tried to reclaim a piece of my old self by going tubing with my siblings. Unfortunately it was just an even bigger reminder that I am NOT in that place anymore. We had a good time UNTIL the three of us went flying off the tube into the water...I had forgotten what it felt like to have water go up your nose, in your eyes and ears and how easily your body is thrown like a rag doll. Let’s just say that was probably the last time I will do that again unless of course a few years down the road I forget and need another reminder!

I am sore today from hanging on so tight to that darn thing and my neck is tight. I believe a trip to the chiropractor is in order. My chance at reclaiming the "fun me" = epic fail! On a nice note Brian bought some beer to take to a BBQ yesterday and even though Brian was the one buying it I got carded! Thank you Mr. check out stand worker, you made this 27 year old feel pretty good! On the other hand poor Brian was not carded...can't win 'em all!

At the BBQ one of Brian's friends/co-workers started up his sentence by saying "not to bring up something sad" (can I just say I don't really like that, I like when Addison is brought up so it's ok not to preface the fact that we are about to talk about her). In spite of that I was glad he brought her up, I appreciate when people do.

He went on to say that at Addison's service when the time was offered for people to speak that he wanted to say something and just wasn't able to. He wanted to tell us what he would have said. He said that he wanted to say something about Brian and I so he wasn't sure it was appropriate. He said that you can really tell a man's true character when he is in the presence of only other men and the way he talks about his wife/family. He said it was so clear to him that Brian loves and respects me and that we have an enviable kind of love and he was so happy that we have each other.

I love that he said that. I know that Brian loves me, but what a nice thing to hear from someone on the outside. It also struck me as a crazy thought that we have something other people would envy. I feel like our lives are so un-enviable and this loss of our daughter will forever be a mark on what could have been a "perfect" life, but he is right. We are so lucky to have each other.

We had a great time, laughed with good friends, ate delicious food and drank a little too much. It's days like this that trick me into thinking that I found a piece of my old self it may only last for a moment, but oh what a moment.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Retail Therapy

So I finally did it! Therapy...retail therapy. I have been talking about doing it, but could never make myself go. I had some birthday money burning a hole in my wallet so I called my sister last night to go out shopping with me.

Usually when I go shopping and I want to buy something I can never find anything, but yesterday was my lucky day because I got 5 new things and I still have a little money left! Bargain shopper...I think so! I hadn't gone clothes shopping since I bought maternity clothes and I am not a spender so it was a big deal.

The hardest part was finding shirts that I knew could "grow" with me in the event I get knocked up this month (God willing). I am proud to say all the items have enough stretch to last into a second trimester. Yay!

I have to say I really felt better after the shopping trip. It's amazing what can change mentally when you think you look good. I have been feeling so down and HATING all of my clothes and it felt really nice to put on something new this morning. It even made me want to do something with my hair.

I think from now on I will get one new thing per paycheck. It doesn't have to be something big, but just something and I am saving a lot on all those diapers I'm not buying :( Well I don't want to end on a sad note, but it's true.

So much for real therapy I think retail therapy is the way to go! Don't you?!?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

7 Months

Seven seems like a lot...I mean honestly any amount of time away from your baby is too much , but the number seven seems big. Why is it that numbers have that effect on me? Anything less than 5 seems small(ish), 6 is a milestone and 7, well 7 feels like old hat. I remember in the beginning when I would find other baby loss blogs and I would read about people in the 7+ month stage of loss I thought that seemed like such a different place than where I was.

I will admit that the 7 month mark is far less sharp than it was in those first few months, but I am nowhere near "healed" or "over it". I honestly don't really know what to write about today. I am in a weird mood. I know people remember what today is, but for the first time I had no messages in my email or Facebook from people who remembered what we lost  7 months ago. I didn't expect it to last forever, but it's just an odd feeling. I also know that the day isn't over and there are a few I know will acknowledge the day...I think.

Such a weird place to be in this grief journey. It's all weird, but it's like I don't have a place to be anymore. I am not "newly bereaved" and I am not "used to it" either...where does that put me? Wherever it is, I am not a fan of any of it.

Seven months...what can I say that I haven't said before? I guess it's all the same because I just miss her, I miss all the stages we are missing out on, I miss the smiles, kisses, laughs...I miss it all. I miss you Addison and I love you more than words can say.

** I had to save this post and come back to it...just couldn't decide what I wanted to say. Now it's getting close to midnight and I just want to get something out for this 7 month mark. My best friend Sarah just left after bringing me an orchid and I did have a few messages in my email so that does make my day a bit better :) Also I didn't get to post the birthday gift Sarah gave me. It's a charm bracelet with baby booties and Addi's name and birth date engraved on them, she is so thoughtful! Such a good friend!



Seven months...today wasn't nearly as hard as the 6 month mark and I made it through the day with no tears at all. I know tears don't only come on anniversary days, but it is always interesting to me to see how I feel on these days. I suppose I am thankful today wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

A day-cation



Brian works on Saturdays, but some how he managed to get today off. He really wanted to make use of his day off and his first thought was to go camping. The camping idea was way too last minute and I did not want to take all 3 dogs so that was out. This morning he decided he either wanted to go to Portland to visit friends or take a drive to the ocean.

Neither of these options sounded very good to me...I woke up in a sad mood and was just wanting to do nothing, but I couldn't let this rare day off get wasted so I put on a happy face and got ready to go. We decided on the ocean and to just take two dogs. Like a mini day-cation.

We loaded up the dogs, the bikes and beach bags and headed to the ocean. Today was so nice, the weather was just perfect. The ocean was REALLY crowded...apparently the whole world had our same great idea. I tried to let it be a distraction trip, but the beach was full of families and little girls everywhere and then there was the two of us with just our dogs and no baby, no Addison. I post pictures of my dumb 'ol dogs because I have no baby pictures to share...I am that person ugh.

Bella covered in sand, but LOVING life

These bike attachments for the dogs are the coolest! http://www.amazon.com/Walky-Hands-Free-Bicycle-Leash/dp/B003OYIAW4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309905099&sr=8-1

It was a great day for the dogs, lots of ball play, swimming, running around in the sand and even a bike ride. It was a really nice day, well as nice as it could be. Once we got home we picked up the missing dog and took them all to the lake so they all got tons of exercise. Tonight my usually energetic pack is sound asleep not willing to move for much.

I would say today was a perfect great day, nothing is perfect anymore without Addison, but it was as good as it gets. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but really the best day ever without Addison is only just a day. I can't help, but think about how AMAZING the day would have been if only she were with us. Even if she screamed bloody murder and hated being at the ocean it still would have been better to have her with us. I would happily leave the sun to spend the day with her.

Tonight there was a get together with some friends we haven't seen in a couple years. One couple is pregnant and the other have a daughter born just before Addi needless to say Brian went without me. I just didn't have the desire to put on a happy face all evening. I hate missing out, but since I did so good today I didn't want to chance turning it into a sad night.

I randomly go through the pictures I put on Facebook of my pregnancy with Addison (I don't know why...self-inflicted torture I suppose). I happened to notice that this picture was posted one year ago today...what I wouldn't give to go back to last year. I was just starting to REALLY show and I loved that baby belly so!
7/2/10 - 18 weeks
I do wonder if there will ever be a great day like today where I don't stop and think how perfect it would be except...