Friday, February 25, 2011

Crap

Crap crap crap! So...today I got a card in the mail from the bank girl I complained about the other day saying she was thinking about me and it had a Starbucks gift card included. Now I feel like a jerk! This sort of thing has happened to me several times. Just when I think oh good, I can be mad at someone for saying something dumb they go and do something nice and then I feel bad, which makes me sad...it is so much easier being mad than sad...can't I just be mad for a change! That may or may not makes sense to you, but it is how I feel.

I'm a little sad already today, so as much as I appreciate this card even it makes me sad. Ugh. Last night was tough, the day part was good, but on our way home I could feel my heart start to ache, my tummy start to hurt, my throat getting tight and my eyes starting to burn...I know where that leads! When we got home it was really late and I needed to go to bed, but I really NEEDED to see her pictures first. I jumped on the computer and scrolled through all of Addi’s pictures. Trying to remember exactly how she felt and exactly how she smelled.

There she was all 8lbs of her, exactly how I remember her in my head. I studied the pictures closely looking at her nose that she got from me, her dimple chin that she got from Brian, her round ears that she got from her Papa, her finger nails from her Auntie Alisa and her long narrow feet she got from her Grandma Karen and her Uncle Alex.

It's funny how sometimes I feel like I forget in my mind, but when I see pictures, she is exactly the way I remember her. I feel so lucky that she looked so much like all of us. Most babies look like one of their parents or not like them at all. We had such a short time so it was so special that we could see all these traits right off the bat. Even the nurse commented on how much she looked like us.

When I climbed into bed last night I could feel the tears coming. It's been over a week since the last time I cried myself to sleep so I guess I was due for a good cry. I'm still feeling a little down today, but it did help to get it out last night.

I need to finish the announcements today…I have been so excited for them and now that they are here I keep putting them off. I have a feeling sending them out will bring a mixed bag of emotions for me. I guess it would be best to send them out today so I have the whole weekend to recover from it. After I sent in the obituary it was a weight off my shoulders, but a mountain of emotions…I am trying to prepare myself as best I can!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Headstones

I really wish I was better about letting things happen, but when I get an idea I am like a dog with a bone and I can't let it go! Headstones are on my mind 24/7. I HATE that Addison doesn't have one yet. I am putting all my energy into creating the perfect headstone for her...if there is such a thing.

I drive passed the cemetery at least twice a day (it's on my route to and from work)and I stop by at least once a week...I am getting close to having all the babies names memorized!

After meeting with the guy at the funeral home I went on a mission to look at all the baby areas in the local cemeteries. There are 3 close to my house so those are the ones I went to. I had O with me on Saturday and she wanted to go, so I brought her. You may find it weird that I brought a 7 year old with me to do that, but Addison meant so much to her and I think it helped her to be part of this. I would never do anything with her that I didn't think she could handle. I am as protective over her and her brother as I am over Addison!

She was pretty cute skipping around the cemetery. It wasn't scary to her. She would yell out when she found a pretty stone for me to look at "what about this one for Addison"? We took pictures of our favorite ones so we make sure to get every element in Addison's stone that we love. We picked up her brother A from soccer and headed to the last place. O made the comment that she was sad because Addison's car seat should be next to her in the back seat. A tried to get her to be quiet (he was trying to protect me), but I told him it was ok for us to talk about it and that O was right, Addi should be next to her in the backseat.

I found one stone of a baby who died just after Addison and she already had her stone...I felt some crazy bad mommy guilt for not having one for Addison. It broke my heart even more and made me more determined to get going on this project!

We were almost done when another car drove up. It was a fellow blm and her family. I won't tell any of the specifics, but I just wanted to share how wonderful it was to meet her. We were strangers, but had an instant bond. A was able to talk with one of her sons and I think that was so great for him. I feel so badly that A and O don't have a real title for their relationship with Addi. They are like siblings to her, but they don't have an outlet to talk about her except with their parents and my family. I love that they love her so much. I just plain love them!

After all those places I had a lot to think about. Yesterday I met with the guy from the funeral home to discuss details. I saw some stones were bigger than the original measurements he had given me and he said we could have a bigger one if we wanted.

Now I need to email the funeral home I am ordering from to make sure they can do all the things I want. So the ball is officially rolling! I think Brian was a little hurt that I did all these things without him, but I wasn’t trying to leave him out, it’s just that this is a huge priority to me where he feels it can happen eventually. You can bet that nothing will get ordered until I have his seal of approval after all he is the dad!

At lunch the song “Making Memories of Us” by Keith Urban came on the radio. It just happens to be our song and the one we danced our first dance to at our wedding. It has such a deeper meaning to me now when I listen to the words. It’s funny how you can hear a song a million times and the meaning can change or just be so much deeper than you ever thought possible. I haven’t heard since losing Addi, but it made me tear up almost right away. Here are the lyrics.

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a
voice that you have never heard

I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where
the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you
Like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust
Making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
And I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention
Like a bad outlaw

And I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better
Than it's ever been

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Coming your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits
But it's alright now

And i'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you
With a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you
Like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust
Making memories of us

And I'm gonna love you
Like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust
Making memories of us

Brian has lived up to all of that and so much more! I can't help but get all twitterpated when I think of my husband. It's just such an amazing gift that Addi gave us.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Stupid Questions

If I had a nickel for everyone that asked me if we plan on having more children or that everything happens for a reason I would be a millionaire! The girl at the bank was like didn't you just have a baby? I told her yes and that we didn't get our happy ending...I thought that was a "nice" way to put it. She then had a million questions for me, how did it happen? Will you try again? blah blah then she goes well, everything happens for a reason...wow, can I punch her please?!? I know she meant well, but sometimes I have little patience for well meaning morons.

With that being said, I really don't mind the questions; it was just the way that they are asked that can bother me. Like some people ask if we will have more children and I can tell it is really genuine and then there are others (like bank girl) that make it sound like well you can have more and everything will be fine again. As if I can replace Addison like I can replace one of my pets! Whether they mean it or not, it's all in the way it is asked. I have noticed that my friends have questions for me, but are afraid to ask. I get it, I would be curious too. If you are curious about something, ask me, send me a message. I am really not shy about the details.

I got a call from an office supply place congratulating me on my new baby...I just said thank you and the lady didn't ask any questions so I just let it go, she doesn't need to know. I went to the gym on Monday and my yoga teacher and a fellow student asked about Addison so I told them. The one lady cried and they asked to say a little prayer. Even though I am a Christian, I don't feel like I need to pray all the time, but if it made them feel better than that is fine with me.

Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier if there was a ribbon, sign, t-shirt, SOMETHING I could wear that just says "my baby died" that way people would know and I wouldn't have to say it. Don't get me wrong I really like talking about Addison, but having to break the news to people sucks a big fat one!

Yesterday I went to look at headstones. I was really disappointed in the selection. Nothing seems good enough for her, but that seems to be how I feel about everything Addison related. If she only gets one, it has to be JUST right. A friend told me she wanted hers to be pink and precious and no better words seem to sum it up then that.

Yesterday was a bit hard, I know so many people in "baby bliss" right now, which I am really happy for all of them, but to think that they were getting to do all this fun baby related stuff while I was going to pick out a headstone...well...to say it sucks is an understatement.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My Valentine

Our first photo together in 2006
Dear Brian,
I decided for Valentine’s Day I would write you a love letter on my blog so the world (or at least my blog followers) would know how wonderful you are. Before I met you I had already resigned myself to the fact that I would never have movie love. I was ok with that. I don't know anyone that is still head over heels in love with their spouse after years of marriage. I do know lots of couples that make a good team and I decided that I wanted someone I could be a good team with.

It was not love at first sight for either of, but for some reason we both kept trying. I thought, this is someone I could be a good team with. We had so many of the same goals for the future and that worked for me. When we got married it was truly one of the happiest days of my life. I was a little nervous, but the moment we saw each other for the first time all those nervous feelings went away. I thought wow, he really loves me and I really love him.

I feel like our life together just comes naturally and you let me be who I am. When we found out we were pregnant your excitement over the pregnancy made me love you more than ever before. I knew without a doubt that you were going to love this baby completely and be the best father.

On that day that our lives changed forever, you were the one I wanted by my side and you were there. I don't know how I expected you to react, but you were everything I needed and more. There wasn't a second that you weren't right next to me. When it came time to call your family you wouldn't even leave the room to do it. I can't tell you how much you put me at ease that day.

When you first arrived at the hospital and heard the bad news you just held me and that's what I needed. Even when I blamed myself you never did, that has been huge for me. I know how much you wanted Addison.

Anytime I had a contraction your hand was the one I wanted to hold. That night you wouldn't even go sleep on the couch because it was too far away from me. You were there and you were my rock. When it came down to the actual birth and you wanted it to be just for the two of us that was ok. I wanted you to be the one with me. Holding each other when Addison came into this world was a feeling like no other. When they handed her to me I couldn't wait to hand her to her daddy. Not because I didn't want to hold her, but because I couldn't wait to see you with her. The way you looked at her and me is something I will never forget. You love her so completely and that love assures me 100% that you are the right man for me.

I have never felt so loved and so protected. I used to joke that I didn't know if you would jump in front of a bullet for me, but you did that day and everyone saw it. My dad has always felt like he was my protector, but that day he was able to pass that job to you, that is such a huge deal. You were always loved by my family, but that day you stopped being their son-in-law/brother-in-law and became their son and brother.

You are so amazing and wonderful. Thank you for taking such good care of me, for loving me and our daughter. For letting me cry on you and being so patient with me. The statistics for divorce after a loss like this are so high, but I know we will be ok. If we can survive this we can survive anything. You make me stronger and better every day and I can't imagine my life with anyone, but you. You are the best team mate, the best husband and I am madly in love with you. I so look forward to the day when we have our "take home baby" that baby has no idea how lucky they will be to have you as their father. Addison is so lucky that you are her daddy; our love for her is as perfect as she is and I can't think of anything better we could have given her.

I feel like because neither of us were head over heels in love the first time we saw each other it has allowed us to move closer towards that every day. If we had started out being nothing, but crazy for each other there would be nowhere to go, but down. We have been climbing up every day getting closer to that. I really feel like we are so lucky that our love is like that, it just gets better and better. I may not have had the butterflies in the beginning, but I have them now. You make me smile.

Thank you for being my husband and my daughter's father. I couldn't have asked for a better man. Happy Valentine's Day, I love you today and every day.
<3,
me

My Graduation from SPS















Just a day on the lake
Our first cruise



My favorite moment from our wedding










Just after Addison was born

***Added later Brian's response***

After reading this blog, I'm a little speechless. I love you more with each passing day! I love the life we have made together! I love to tell our story; as you said, it isn't movie love, it's real love! I love our daughter! I love that you love me!

It was early on in our relationship you told me I had one year to decide if I wanted to marry you and after that point, if I didn't have an answer, I was wasting your time. At that point I should have run for the hills!! But it was at that same point, that I knew I WANTED to marry you. Your honesty, your values, your love of family, and your great personality were all very clear from the beginning.

I bought a house hoping with you by my side, we'd make it a home. I gotta be honest, the idea of babies seemed nice but was not a "must have" for me. I'm not only scared of how badly I'll mess them up in life but I'm also terrified of the world our children will live in. However, as our relationship grew and our love grew, I saw your love for EVERYONE and I knew you would make a terrific mother who would instill all of the most valuable life lessons into our children. You helped me feel less scared of how badly I'll screw them up or how the world would look to them because with you by my side, you would make everything right!

As the days grew closer to getting to meet our Addison I got more excited by the moment. When I got the call at my office that I needed to come and be with you, I KNEW instantly our lives would be forever changed. When I walked in to the room my heart sank to new lows. Our little girl, who you baked so perfectly, would never get to know how much we loved her. Addison may not live with us today but she will always live on inside our hearts and minds. She has touched us both in unexpected ways and made us stronger people and a strong couple!

I could never blame you for anything regarding Addison. You made pregnancy look easy and as if you'd done it 100 times before. Without bending even one rule of pregnancy, you never complained or whined of the discomforts or sleepless nights. Even while delivering Addison, you handled it with grace and strength I don't know I could have mustered myself.

Our love will be forever. Our love will not fade. Through thick and thin you are my partner. I am the lucky-est man alive to have such a beautiful and wonderful woman by my side. I know I can be a "man" and have a hard time saying these words to you as often as I should but know deep inside, I think them all day and every day.

Thank you for being my wife, my love and my friend. I look forward to holding hands with you till the day I die!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Deliveries for the Nursery

This morning started off earlier than normal for me...I usually HATE getting up early on Saturdays, but now that I should be up early for Addison it seems only natural that my sleep in days are over. I decided to go try the body pump class at the gym for the first time. I had wanted to try it before, but never got around to it. It was ok, not as hard as I had expected. I will try to do it once a week. Maybe next week I will get up even earlier so I can get to the spinning class...I'm not promising anything, one class a day can be enough for me.

I went to weight watchers and then went to find the funeral home that a friend of the family works at. I need to find a headstone or at least start that process. I couldn't find it, but my dad called him and said to go on Tuesday so that will be my plan. I got a missed call from the furniture store...my ottoman that Brian ordered just before Addi was born for the rocking chair was delivered...great! I went to the store fully prepared to be asked. I went in and the lady says "Hi, getting much sleep these days"? Ugh. I told her, she cried...always makes me feel like such a douche to have to tell people, but it's not like it's fun for me to have to say it either.

I got home and put the ottoman in the nursery, it's perfect. I had to sit and rock. The dogs aren't allowed in the nursery, but I let Annie in. She is my old girl and she is the only one that I believe "knows" what’s going up. She was always my late night pregnancy buddy and she is so quiet in the nursery, she just lays at my feet. I know she would have been my nursing buddy. I decided to write in Addi's journal. It was nice, I just rocked, wrote and hung out with Annie. We were missing Addi together.

We get tons of "baby" mail every day. Just yesterday we got a picture special from Sears for our newborn and box of formula from some company. Every time something like that comes in the mail it makes me sad, but doesn't make me cry...you would think it would, but no, not yet at least. I remember the day of the funeral we were sitting at my parent's house and I saw the UPS truck come down the road...I knew it was her stroller. How weird to have the stroller delivered the day we said good bye...that didn't make me cry either and I don't know why. All these deliveries suck, but for some reason I can handle it ok. Thank goodness I guess.

Last night I looked over the million websites I had checked before for birth announcement/thank you cards. I got a sample from one of the places and I am SO glad I didn't order all of them, they didn't look half as nice in real life. I ordered a different sample so my goal is to get them, write in them and have them all sent out before the 3 month mark...hopefully the site sends them a.s.a.p. and they are nice! Since they are the only Addison cards I will ever get to send out they have to be JUST right! I also ordered return address labels with her butterfly footprints those will be for all our mail, after all she is the one that makes us a family...before her we were just the two of us.

It does make me smile that no one else in the world gets to be her mommy and no one else gets to be her daddy. She gave us those titles and made us a family, that is such an amazing gift she left for us.

I will post pictures of the ottoman and Annie bannanie. For the record her door to her room is ALWAYS open. It is not a sad place. I look in there every day, it's not scary or taboo. I kept the door open from the time we came home from the hospital; I never wanted it to get closed because I knew it would be hard to open back up. So there it is right there every day so there is no weirdness to it. It just is. We keep a baby gate up to keep the dogs out, they always want in. I actually really love that room, it makes me feel closer to Addison, I can go rock in that chair anytime I want and that is a great feeling.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Operation "Take Home" Baby 2012

I am REALLY good at doing something when I decide to do it. I don't like to talk about things until I know for sure I am going to do them because I refuse to be "that girl" that is always saying she will do something and then doesn't follow through. When I decide on something that I want it's almost like a military operation because my eyes are on the prize and nothing can distract me.

I am officially in baby no. 2 state of mind (this does not detour from the CONSTANT Addison state of mind). When I was ready to get pregnant with Addison I did a million things to get ready, but some of them included joining weight watchers and going to the gym. I wanted to lose enough weight so that I could "gain it all back" with the baby. I successfully lost 31 pounds before Addison. I'm not sure what my final pregnancy weight gain was, but it was 29 or 30, still one less than I was at my heaviest! Now I have 16 pounds left of my baby weight, which isn't too bad.

This last week I turned my attention to my new project operation "take home" baby 2012. Last time it was operation baby 2010 and now I want to specify I want a baby to take home at the end of this! There are 4 months left until we are "allowed" to try again. So I have at least 4 months to get into primo baby making shape. I think a 5 lb. a month goal is a super easy one so that’s what I will start with (this will include cheating on the cruise though :)).

I went to my first weight watchers meeting on Saturday. I really don't need the meetings, but when I do things I like to do it all or nothing. I used to think any diet type group was dumb, but I have to say it really isn't a diet it's just about knowing what you are putting in your mouth, totally common sense oriented, common sense I can understand! Plus with this you can still eat real food not just prepackaged crap. Not that this is the only way it’s just a way that works for me. When I did it before Addison I was embarrassed about it, but now not much bothers me!

Last night I went back to the gym for my first time post baby. It was weird being back. I thought I would start out slow and work my way up to the classes, but then I decided I would jump in with both feet so my first day back I went straight to a spinning class. The class JUST made their session 10 minutes longer so I was thinking GREAT first time back AND it will be the longest class I have ever done. Usually this would worry me, but not now I don’t have lot to be afraid of these days!

It was a great class; I probably could have pushed myself harder! After it was over I was even thinking of staying for the yoga class, but I forgot my mat and I didn't know if I was ready to tell the teacher about Addison so I went home...maybe next week! Tonight I am going to zumba...like I said all or nothing! The added bonus of this is that I slept like a rock last night. I much prefer this kind of sleep than to have to take a pill of some sort!

I have a feeling this whole getting healthier thing will be much easier this time around. For one, I am already in better shape now than I was the first time I started this, two I have a great goal to work towards and three I have Addison as my motivation. Anytime I get tired I can just think of her and it will push me to do better or try harder in whatever I do.

So here we go another chapter. Wish me luck …although I don’t need it…Addison is more than enough!:)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

2 Months In

The front

2 months...it's hard to believe it's been 2 months already. So many firsts that we have missed out on. I keep getting weekly updates in my email that tells me what my baby should be doing at this stage in her life. I can't bring myself to unsubscribe to the list...on one hand it breaks my heart a little every time I get one and on the other it makes me feel just a little closer to my sweet baby.

In a way this month was a little easier because the ache was just the tiniest bit less, however the more time that goes by the harder it gets knowing that it has been so long since we were with Addison.

This month I got my body back, no more leaky boobs, the tingle in my foot is barely noticeable and the color came back to my face. I still feel phantom movement in my belly, that breaks my heart every time...I get excited at first and then quickly realize the cold hard truth. I'm still not sleeping through the night, but I start back at the gym on Monday so hopefully that will be the thing I need to tire me out!

I made a lot of good steps this month, held 2 baby girls (with no tears), went to two baby loss support groups, went back to my OBGYN for a checkup where my doctor said I was physically healed and spent lots of time with friends.

This last week was a pretty good one, but Friday it started to go a little downhill. We ran into the doctor that delivered Addison at dinner. It's weird because I really like him, but seeing him kinda bummed me out for the rest of the evening. Today was a hard day...just feeling pretty sorry for myself I guess.

When I found out I was pregnant with Addison, I bought Brian a watch as my way of telling him. I told him it was the last nice gift he would ever get because we were having a baby. He rarely takes it off. I went to his work and asked him for his watch. I took it to get engraved since it is his "Addison" watch. I had it engraved to say To: Daddy Love: Addi 12/5/2010. It will always be his Addison watch. I waited while it was engraved and couldn't believe how different the mall was...it made me feel old to walk around and people watch. I think EVERY mother/daughter combo was at the mall today along with at least a dozen pregnant ladies/teenagers and even more babies...it was torture, but I couldn't leave without the watch.

I am so judgmental now...my friends that are pregnant or have babies don't bother me, but all the skeezy looking moms at the mall with their bellies sticking out under their shirts and their toddlers with runny noses and mismatched clothes...yeah I hate them. That's probably petty of me, but it's how I feel.

All in all I think this month went better than I had expected. I am still sad a lot, but I am able to look at her pictures and smile. Alex came over and helped me (well did it for me) with photo shopping Addison's pictures. He turned her feet into a butterfly and fixed a couple photos to make her look more like we remember her. Sarah brought me flowers and green tea :)

I ordered a stamp that is her footprints in the shape of a butterfly and started working on her birth announcements/thank you cards. I hope to order them tomorrow. I can't believe it's been two months and they are not done yet...that is so not like me, but I am sure everyone will understand. I still need to get to the headstone...I'm just having a hard time with that. I am so thankful that the obituary was posted, that was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Thank you to everyone who remembered us today. We love you and so appreciate your emails, texts and messages.



The back says To Daddy Love Addi 12/5/2010

Friday, February 4, 2011

My Perfect Daughter

I struggle with the fact that to us Addison will always be perfect. You might think that is not a problem, but it worries me for baby no. 2. How will that baby ever be able to live up to the perfection that is Addison?

Brian tells me all the time that we can't let Addison be perfect in our minds, but how am I supposed to think of her as anything less than that? In my mind she is the baby that sleeps through the night, nurses like a champ and rarely cries. She was such a sweet gentle baby in my belly; I just know she would have been like that her whole life.

I am a worrier by nature. My main worry would be that we won't be able to have more children and then if we do something will go wrong or the baby could have problems. Then say that all that turns out ok my next worry would be that it wouldn't be another girl. I REALLY want a daughter not that I don't want a son, it's just that I feel especially jipped now and really want a little girl. Now say we DO get another girl. I worry that she won't be as beautiful as Addison or as sweet. I want her to look like her so I can know that's how Addison would have looked. Now say it's a girl and she looks just like Addison, I worry that this new baby will always live in the shadow of Addison...see I am a worrier!

What if because the next baby isn't perfect like Addison is in my head I can't connect as well. What if that child feels like I love Addison more? What if I can never relax and become a helicopter mom (always hovering over my kid) because I am terrified something bad will happen. What if, what if, what if????

I know you will tell me that when the next baby comes none of that will matter because I will love them regardless blah blah blah, but it won't stop me from worrying about it!

My daughter was perfect, she is perfect. She will never talk back to me, she will never misbehave, never get in a fight, never have a broken heart, never bring home a weird boy with green hair, she will never disappoint us...she will never...

Then there are all the things she will never do that make that list above seem so worth going through...she will never look me in the eyes, never smile or laugh, never let me braid her hair, never go to school, fall in love, get married and have Brian walk her down the aisle, never give us grandchildren...never never.

Every day I see different things and think Addison would be doing this or she would never do that. I wonder which dog she would have loved the most and if she would prefer Brian over me, but nowhere in my mind is she anything less than perfect. If I could have ordered a baby out of a catalog it would have been Addison. I remember looking at her after she was born just trying to find some kind of imperfection that I could say ok, well at least she was spared from getting teased at school for _____(fill in the blank), but nope nothing…freaking PERFECT!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

3 days with Addison

I have been reading a lot and I mean A LOT of other BLM blogs (BLM means baby loss mom...apparently that is my title for this new "club" I joined into. Anyways, I am always surprised when I read about how little time they got with their babies. This makes me so sad for them and yet so thankful for all the time we got with Addison, it still wasn't enough, but much more than what they got.

I really feel like for how terrible this has been that we got the best outcome given our situation. Hopefully that makes sense to you! I have always gone to church and I believe in God, but I have never been a "super religious" person so you might expect me to be angry at God, but I have never felt that. I feel like what happened to us was going to happen no matter what and God is responsible for the people that were put in our path to carry us through the hardest hours even minutes of our lives.

When I found out there was no heartbeat I was by myself with only strangers to comfort me until Brian got there. In steps D. the nurse that was assigned to do my NST. She instantly climbed in bed with me held me, let me cry on her and wail in her ear. She is a nurse, but she doesn't get paid extra for that!

Then it happened that my favorite doctor was on call that day. Thank goodness for Dr. B! He came in to discuss our options and broke down in tears with us, talk about compassionate. He basically told us that from here on out, we call the shots and whatever way we wanted to handle things would be the way it would happen.

My whole family lives close and were able to get to us in minutes including all of my grandparents. My husband was a complete rock star and wouldn't leave my side. So many feel alone in this and alone is something I have never had to feel. That night I was given another wonderful nurse. I didn't have Addison until the next morning and D was back and was assigned to me again. She was the one who got us through the labor she told Brian and I what to do and we did it. I really credit her for carrying our whole family through the hardest days of our lives. She had to be heaven sent.

Addison was born at 10:40am on Sunday. I was so fortunate to have a husband that was on the same page as I was. We never even discussed it, but we both wanted to hold her and take pictures. I have read others where husbands wouldn't even look at their baby.

We got her from 10:40 that day till late that night. We even took a nap with her. We scrunched on to one hospital bed and put her in the middle of us. We took lots and lots of pictures and everyone got to hold her. S the night nurse took her late that night and brought her back to us early the next morning. On Monday they found I had an infection and needed to stay 24 more hours. THANK GOD for that infection. It gave us a whole extra day with our baby. We had her all day Monday and family came by again to spend time together.

Brian changed her diaper and her outfit. We cut her nails and my dad cut her hair. I sang to her and kissed her a million times. As far as the things we had control over I have very little regrets. Addison got to sit in a room full of people who loved her unconditionally. My family was so great, it didn't even occur to me until later that it may weird people out to be in a room with a dead baby, to us she was just our baby. A nurse told us that some of the other nurses on staff thought it was odd that we still had her...NURSES that work there, that floored me, but at the same time I didn't care, fine think I am weird, but I am not wasting one minute with my baby. So if you are weirded out reading this that's ok, I understand that you can't understand. That night my family said their goodbyes to Addison as we wanted out last day to just be the three of us. That was hard to watch them say goodbye.

Our nurse S took her again that night and brought her back to us Tuesday morning at 6am. We sat in bed with her between us, held her, kissed her and loved her. When it was time for S to leave (7:45am) she brought us in a new day nurse...not D. I couldn't bear the thought of that nurse taking Addison away...what if she was one who thought it was weird...what if a dead baby freaked her out...she seemed nice, but I wasn't taking any chances so I asked S to take her where she needed to be before she left. She agreed and (oh just typing this makes the tears fall down my face) we told her goodbye, kissed her and told her we loved her.

I'll never forget that moment; it was almost as hard if not as hard as hearing she had no heartbeat. There she went, out the door without her parents, but thank God for S. If it hadn't been her or D, I don't know that I would have let anyone else touch her.

I feel like the only reason I am semi "normal" now is because I got so much time to grieve with her right there with me, that my family got to have their time and that there are very few things I didn't do. For example I didn't get to see her butt...I know that may sound odd, but I wanted to see it and there are no pictures of it. Other people got to see it, but I didn't and I regret that, that's a pretty small regret in the grand scheme of things!

We got 3 days, not 3 whole days, but still 3 different days Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to hold Addison and love her. Those were the best 3 days of my life all things considered. I was thinking if I could go back and change things to where we never had Addison at all so we wouldn't have to know the pain of losing a child, I wouldn't. Obviously if I could have her here with us I would, but if I only had control over losing her or not having her at all I would do this all over again. She was worth all of it. That might sound crazy to you, but a life without knowing Addison at all isn't one I want. Those 40 weeks and 5 days with her in my belly + those 3 days with her in my arms made EVERYTHING worth it.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

A Good Day

I write the most when I am sad because it is my own free therapy. I keep telling myself I need to write when I have a good day so people know I am not depressed! Yesterday and today I would classify as "good days". It's hard because I am always a little sad, but days like today and yesterday I get glimpses of my old self. The sun is out and I don't feel like crying, that is a good day!

I love being able to think about Addison without crying. I hope the smiles outnumber the tears in the months to come. I had a client come into this office today who didn't know yet. He happens to be my most favorite client and I was happy to see him. I knew he would ask and for the first time I was really ready for it. It is the first time I have told someone where afterwards I felt like I did it right. I said all the things I wanted to and was still able to comfort him. He is a big teddy bear of a man and got all teary eyed, we must have hugged 20 times before he left. I could tell he was surprised that I was able to talk about her, but I was proud of myself.

I felt really good when he left. I got to share my baby with him and I didn't completely ruin his day by telling him. That just added to my good day. Since I have been back at work at least once a day I lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes just to breathe and have some alone time. I didn't do that once today. I also take my lunch time to just sit in my car and be alone with myself to re-group before I go in to work, it's usually 15 minutes plus today it was only 5...baby steps!

So here it is in black and white, good days do exist. I miss my sweet girl like crazy, but today I can smile for her.