Monday, December 26, 2011

Weird Christmas

As Brian and I were driving away from my parent's house last night I couldn't help, but say what I thought. "That was a weird Christmas"! From the outside looking in I am sure it looked very normal, there was a tree, family, presents and great food, but it felt nothing like Christmas.

This is technically our second Christmas without Addison, but it felt like the first in a lot of ways. Last year we were only 20 days out and we were so numb that I have little to know memories of last year.

This year I just couldn't get on board with Christmas, the wreath Brian bought from the boy scouts is still in our garage, we have no tree or any decorations, I planned on getting stockings hung up, but that never happened and I did NO shopping for anyone except for the one year old girl we sponsored off the Salvation army tree . I would say the most "Christmas" things I did included listening to Christmas music, cooking dinner for Christmas Eve, decorating Addison's headstone and participating in Christmas while at my parent's house. That's it and that was enough for me this year.

Christmas morning Brian and I woke up to the sound of our dogs wanting to be fed, no cries or giggles from a one year old little girl. We got up, fed the dogs and I started making a special breakfast for Brian (to try and separate the day from just a normal Sunday). We ate our breakfast and spent some lazy time on the couch. At one point I was thinking about how this day should have gone and tried to imagine the image of a one year old little girl toddling around in her Christmas pajamas and blond curly hair. I must have been lost in this thought because Brian asked what I was thinking about. I lied and said nothing. I knew I would start crying if I said it out loud and just needed this moment for myself.

We got ready for the day and still wound up back on the couch. Addi's little brother was moving quite a bit and Brian got to feel some good movements. That was probably the highlight of our day. I got up and finished the pies and we headed over to my parent's house. I think there were 13 of us all together. We ate and opened presents and then the majority of us fell asleep! Usually the grandparents fall asleep at one point or another, but not the rest of us! Maybe it was the turkey or maybe it was just a weird day for all of us.

The absence of a very special one year old girl was felt by all of us. I know there is a great amount of hope that her brother will be here with us next Christmas, but her absence will always be there.

I was surprised that this little boy even got a few presents of his own...which is a good thing since we have nothing boy like yet. He even had a gift with his name on it (I will share that later). It took me by surprise as we hadn't officially said it was going to be his name, but my grandma remembered and used it. The more I say it, hear it, the more I feel like it really is his name.

Anyways I suppose we survived another Christmas without our daughter. I can't believe we are already on the "second"  holiday without her. I know they will keep ticking by, but we have now survived all the "firsts". Weird, weird and weird!

When we got home last night, we decided to order the crib bedding we had chosen for our little boy. It's starting to feel more real and while I still can't allow myself to fully imagine him coming home with us, I can't allow myself to think he won't be.

I hope each one of my BLM friends was able to find some joy yesterday, even in the smallest amount. Each day sucks without our babies, but Christmas is just an extra day that the world reminds us what we are supposed to have...thanks world, we know!


  1. Even with Cale's healthy brother here with us this Christmas, I still missed him so much and what should have been. Like you said - their absence will always be there. But that's ok - that's because our love for them will always be there.

  2. This was an uber weird Christmas . I did NOTHING Christmas-y. No tree (after all my bitching), no decorating, no lights, no xmas shopping... NOTHING. My siblings got cash, and that was all. I could barely bring myself to even do that.

    BA humbug is what I think, you know? Maybe next year will be a little easier? The year after that?

  3. This was our fourth Christmas without Emma - I cannot believe I just wrote fourth, because it can't be that long can it? Each year has been a little easier and we had a lovely and joyous day this year but I still fell apart on Christmas Eve when I took flowers to her graveside and I still felt her absence profoundly through the course of Christmas Day - but it's wistful now, rather than stabbing pain.

    I truly hope that next year, the sadness will be mixed with moments of pure joy for you too.