Sometimes on one of the local radio stations they do this bit where people call in and try to "one up" each other by saying why it sucks to be them, then after each commenter they play this little song that just repeats "it sucks to be me" over and over...it's kind of a catchy tune and today it is playing on repeat in my head. While I know plenty of other people who could "one up me" I'm really having a poor me, it sucks to be me kind of days.
Brian and I have been keeping a secret...about when our ultrasound really was (wow, my sister will be pissed when she reads this...sorry Alisa)! It was yesterday morning, bright and early. I have been so stressed about it (please see my previous post) and not sleeping well and just really freaking out about it.
So our plan was to have this ultrasound and then let it sink in and announce it to our family and friends in our own time without getting calls/texts/emails etc. In theory it sounded like a great plan. So Thursday Brian had this idea about including my parents so we did something we have never done and invited them to the ultrasound. They were beyond thrilled. It was our secret, just the 4 of us.
So Thursday night I got home and couldn't sleep, Brian and I talked about what it would feel like to hear we are having a boy and he was trying to act as excited as possible and kept asking if I was excited. My best response was that I know I SHOULD be excited, but I am just so scared and not just that it would be a boy, but for all the crazy scary 1% chance things that could be wrong. He fell asleep rather quickly, but I just couldn't. I think I was up just after 1AM. Feeling sick to my stomach and so worried. Then just 3 hours and 45 minutes later I was wide awake. I tried to close my eyes and will myself back to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. I decided it would be better to get up than to make myself more miserable.
I made my way out to the living room where our old girl Annie was happy to see me up already. She sat at my feet like a good old faithful companion....so good I invited her up on the couch, which is normally a no no, but she was the company I was needing.
I grabbed the lap top and wrote the previous post and wanted so badly to say and the ultrasound was in a few hours!!! I couldn't, so I didn't. After that I was feeling so spent, so worried, so ready to get this whole thing over with. Brian was up by now and seemed excited for the most part.
He caught me in Addison's room just taking it all in. Thinking about how after today we probably wouldn't refer to it as "Addison's room" anymore, how the paint would probably have to be changed and her tiny pink clothes may all have to be boxed up. I took out her ultrasound pictures from 20 weeks and held them and studied them thinking about how the day we got them was one of the best days of our lives and how unfair it was that I wasn't feeling the same way about today for this baby...baby loss steals so much from every aspect of your life, but this is a biggy. When Brian caught me, he asked if I was in there rubbing pink socks on my belly and if I was it was too late for late and pink socks wouldn't erase a penis...it made me laugh. I left Addison's room, but not before grabbing a pair of her softest pick socks and putting one in each pocket...don't judge me!
We had to leave in separate cars (which I HATE), but it made the most sense since I had to go to work afterwards. Brian left first to have enough time to grab coffee and I made what I thought was the longest walk ever to my car. I just kept thinking about how today was a game changing day, after today we would know if this baby had any serious problems, we would know the gender, things would be real, we would make the announcement to the rest of our friends not in the loop and the world would know I was pregnant, things were going to be different after today no matter what and while I wasn't ready, I was ready to get it over with.
I got in the car and drove. The way to the hospital (and pretty much everything) takes me right next to the cemetery. I don't normally stop in the morning, but this was not a normal morning. I cried as I pulled in and cried when I got to her stone. I was also met with the "surprise" that they had made the adjustment to her stone to make it more level and left dirt all over it...that really pissed me off and I was more pissed that I had finished all my water for the damned ultrasound and had nothing to clean it with (you know where I will be after work) anyways, I had a little talk with my girl and then got back in the car to head to the doctor's office.
I cried some more on the way, but tried to keep it under control so I wouldn't look like a mess at the appointment. Shortly after I pulled in, Brian pulled in behind me and we got out of our cars, waiting for my parents. Just as we saw their cars pulling in my phone rang...it was the doctor’s office, I couldn't pick it up fast enough and it went to voicemail. Brian immediately said that he was betting they were calling to cancel, but I held out hope it was something else. Unfortunately he was right. Their one and only ultrasound technician called in sick today of all days and apparently they don't have someone on call. I wasn't leaving. I was trying my best to keep it together, waiting in line to check in. I told my family to go sit down and I would figure this out. My dad tried to stand next to me and I sent him away. When I am about to cry the last thing I need is for someone to hover over me or try and touch me...don't look at me, don't hug me, don't talk to me...don't even breathe in my general direction and everything will work out just fine. Otherwise I will lose my shit and be pissed at you for not backing the f off (yes, I am in a mood).
The girl at the front desk got a call as she was checking in a patient; she looked up at me and then said, "Yes, she is here". Soon after that a nurse came out and was all happy and bubbly and was just like "oh yeah sorry about that, guess we will have to reschedule". I told her she didn't understand and that I couldn't sleep and was sick about this appointment and needed it done whether it was here or at another office. She was like, "well, it's JUST a fetal survey" that's when I lost it (politely) my eyes were swollen and my throat was tight as I told her that we lost our first baby and no appointment was "just" an appointment to us.
She said if we would wait she would see what she could do. I wasn't going anywhere so that was better than the "go home" answer I was expecting.
Sometime later she came out and said they were working on finding another location, but in the meantime she would have an RN do a rolling ultrasound for us just so we could see that the baby was alive (she didn't say alive, but I knew that's what she was thinking). So we all went back into the tiny room and she showed us our living, squirming baby (who I knew was alive because was having a party in my belly). I asked her to show me the 4 chambers of the heart, but the machine wasn't good enough, I asked her to check for the amount of fluid, but she said it looked "normal" I was realizing this was not going to give me any of the answers I was searching for. Then Brian piped in asking about the sex...oh yeah the sex. She looked and looked, but couldn't really tell....seriously what a crappy machine. She said she saw "something", but that it could just as easily be the cord...yeah lady no guessing for us, deal!?!? There was one image she showed us of the baby pointing with one finger...everyone else says it was the index, but I am convinced it was the middle finger.
So we left. Such a disappointing day full of crazy anticipation for NOTHING. I suppose the day could have been worse, we could have been given devastating news, but honestly I learned nothing today that would relieve any fears of not hearing that next time. We know nothing more than we knew before. The best part (insert sarcasm here) is that they weren't sure when we could get in next. They were supposed to call today if anything came up and so far my phone has been silent. During the week it is next to impossible for Brian to get time off so, I'm thinking the soonest we get in is next Friday the 23rd. This is also the day I have been saying our next appointment is (because we really do have a doctor's appointment that day already...I wasn't lying I just wasn't telling the whole truth). So maybe that’s what I get for insinuating.
This situation has been a total mind fuck and I am so drained and emotional it's not even funny. I really can't go through this a second time and yet I have to. Seriously can we catch a break somewhere....can something about this be easy?!?! I suppose if everything goes wrong and this baby is born healthy and alive it will all be worth it...if the stress doesn't kill me first.
So it definitely sucks to be me, but I realize it could be a lot worse. I keep trying to remind myself how lucky I am to have these types or problems and worry and I promise I understand that I am lucky to even be pregnant at all, but wow this is hard. I had said before I was wishing I could put this off for another month and maybe someone somewhere took me seriously, but once I was geared up to get it over with the overwhelming saddness has just put me in a really bad place. I went to bed just after 7pm last night and have been up since around 4 this morning. I just feel so sad and lost and broken and uncertain....very very uncertain.