Saturday, December 17, 2011

It sucks to be me...

Sometimes on one of the local radio stations they do this bit where people call in and try to "one up" each other by saying why it sucks to be them, then after each commenter they play this little song that just repeats "it sucks to be me" over and's kind of a catchy tune and today it is playing on repeat in my head. While I know plenty of other people who could "one up me" I'm really having a poor me, it sucks to be me kind of days.

Brian and I have been keeping a secret...about when our ultrasound really was (wow, my sister will be pissed when she reads this...sorry Alisa)! It was yesterday morning, bright and early. I have been so stressed about it (please see my previous post) and not sleeping well and just really freaking out about it.

So our plan was to have this ultrasound and then let it sink in and announce it to our family and friends in our own time without getting calls/texts/emails etc. In theory it sounded like a great plan. So Thursday Brian had this idea about including my parents so we did something we have never done and invited them to the ultrasound. They were beyond thrilled. It was our secret, just the 4 of us.

So Thursday night I got home and couldn't sleep, Brian and I talked about what it would feel like to hear we are having a boy and he was trying to act as excited as possible and kept asking if I was excited. My best response was that I know I SHOULD be excited, but I am just so scared and not just that it would be a boy, but for all the crazy scary 1% chance things that could be wrong. He fell asleep rather quickly, but I just couldn't. I think I was up just after 1AM. Feeling sick to my stomach and so worried. Then just 3 hours and 45 minutes later I was wide awake. I tried to close my eyes and will myself back to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. I decided it would be better to get up than to make myself more miserable.

I made my way out to the living room where our old girl Annie was happy to see me up already. She sat at my feet like a good old faithful good I invited her up on the couch, which is normally a no no, but she was the company I was needing.

I grabbed the lap top and wrote the previous post and wanted so badly to say and the ultrasound was in a few hours!!! I couldn't, so I didn't. After that I was feeling so spent, so worried, so ready to get this whole thing over with. Brian was up by now and seemed excited for the most part.

He caught me in Addison's room just taking it all in. Thinking about how after today we probably wouldn't refer to it as "Addison's room" anymore, how the paint would probably have to be changed and her tiny pink clothes may all have to be boxed up. I took out her ultrasound pictures from 20 weeks and held them and studied them thinking about how the day we got them was one of the best days of our lives and how unfair it was that I wasn't feeling the same way about today for this loss steals so much from every aspect of your life, but this is a biggy. When Brian caught me, he asked if I was in there rubbing pink socks on my belly and if I was it was too late for late and pink socks wouldn't erase a made me laugh. I left Addison's room, but not before grabbing a pair of her softest pick socks and putting one in each pocket...don't judge me!

We had to leave in separate cars (which I HATE), but it made the most sense since I had to go to work afterwards. Brian left first to have enough time to grab coffee and I made what I thought was the longest walk ever to my car. I just kept thinking about how today was a game changing day, after today we would know if this baby had any serious problems, we would know the gender, things would be real, we would make the announcement to the rest of our friends not in the loop and the world would know I was pregnant, things were going to be different after today no matter what and while I wasn't ready, I was ready to get it over with.

I got in the car and drove. The way to the hospital (and pretty much everything) takes me right next to the cemetery. I don't normally stop in the morning, but this was not a normal morning. I cried as I pulled in and cried when I got to her stone. I was also met with the "surprise" that they had made the adjustment to her stone to make it more level and left dirt all over it...that really pissed me off and I was more pissed that I had finished all my water for the damned ultrasound and had nothing to clean it with (you know where I will be after work) anyways, I had a little talk with my girl and then got back in the car to head to the doctor's office.

I cried some more on the way, but tried to keep it under control so I wouldn't look like a mess at the appointment.  Shortly after I pulled in, Brian pulled in behind me and we got out of our cars, waiting for my parents. Just as we saw their cars pulling in my phone was the doctor’s office, I couldn't pick it up fast enough and it went to voicemail. Brian immediately said that he was betting they were calling to cancel, but I held out hope it was something else. Unfortunately he was right. Their one and only ultrasound technician called in sick today of all days and apparently they don't have someone on call. I wasn't leaving. I was trying my best to keep it together, waiting in line to check in. I told my family to go sit down and I would figure this out. My dad tried to stand next to me and I sent him away. When I am about to cry the last thing I need is for someone to hover over me or try and touch me...don't look at me, don't hug me, don't talk to me...don't even breathe in my general direction and everything will work out just fine. Otherwise I will lose my shit and be pissed at you for not backing the f off (yes, I am in a mood).

The girl at the front desk got a call as she was checking in a patient; she looked up at me and then said, "Yes, she is here". Soon after that a nurse came out and was all happy and bubbly and was just like "oh yeah sorry about that, guess we will have to reschedule". I told her she didn't understand and that I couldn't sleep and was sick about this appointment and needed it done whether it was here or at another office. She was like, "well, it's JUST a fetal survey" that's when I lost it (politely) my eyes were swollen and my throat was tight as I told her that we lost our first baby and no appointment was "just" an appointment to us.

She said if we would wait she would see what she could do. I wasn't going anywhere so that was better than the "go home" answer I was expecting.

Sometime later she came out and said they were working on finding another location, but in the meantime she would have an RN do a rolling ultrasound for us just so we could see that the baby was alive (she didn't say alive, but I knew that's what she was thinking). So we all went back into the tiny room and she showed us our living, squirming baby (who I knew was alive because was having a party in my belly). I asked her to show me the 4 chambers of the heart, but the machine wasn't good enough, I asked her to check for the amount of fluid, but she said it looked "normal" I was realizing this was not going to give me any of the answers I was searching for. Then Brian piped in asking about the sex...oh yeah the sex. She looked and looked, but couldn't really tell....seriously what a crappy machine. She said she saw "something", but that it could just as easily be the cord...yeah lady no guessing for us, deal!?!? There was one image she showed us of the baby pointing with one finger...everyone else says it was the index, but I am convinced it was the middle finger.

So we left. Such a disappointing day full of crazy anticipation for NOTHING. I suppose the day could have been worse, we could have been given devastating news, but honestly I learned nothing today that would relieve any fears of not hearing that next time. We know nothing more than we knew before. The best part (insert sarcasm here) is that they weren't sure when we could get in next. They were supposed to call today if anything came up and so far my phone has been silent. During the week it is next to impossible for Brian to get time off so, I'm thinking the soonest we get in is next Friday the 23rd. This is also the day I have been saying our next appointment is (because we really do have a doctor's appointment that day already...I wasn't lying I just wasn't telling the whole truth). So maybe that’s what I get for insinuating.

This situation has been a total mind fuck and I am so drained and emotional it's not even funny. I really can't go through this a second time and yet I have to. Seriously can we catch a break somewhere....can something about this be easy?!?! I suppose if everything goes wrong and this baby is born healthy and alive it will all be worth it...if the stress doesn't kill me first.

So it definitely sucks to be me, but I realize it could be a lot worse. I keep trying to remind myself how lucky I am to have these types or problems and worry and I promise I understand that I am lucky to even be pregnant at all, but wow this is hard. I had said before I was wishing I could put this off for another month and maybe someone somewhere took me seriously, but once I was geared up to get it over with the overwhelming saddness has just put me in a really bad place. I went to bed just after 7pm last night and have been up since around 4 this morning. I just feel so sad and lost and broken and uncertain....very very uncertain.


  1. Oh geez! "just a fetal survey"?!?! Bitch! Check the chart for past history before you speak. Ugh.

    You little trickster! Ha! But I totally get why you fibbed about the appt. I kept thinking there was going to be a gender bomb in this story somewhere! Sorry you have to keep waiting and wondering. At this point, I think you could relax a little and start processing things either way (and even if it's a girl I think it will be a little hard emotionally) if you could just find out. The wondering and fretting part is so hard. I was so glad we found out early. If this baby was a girl, I wanted time to process it so I could get happy at some point (bc I knew it would take a while). Huge!!

  2. I hate that you didn't get to find out after all the stress and anxiety. I do love that you spent a little time with your girl before your appointment. I'm sorry this is causing you so much worry. I hope next Friday comes quickly.

  3. Oh, Pumpkin...I'm so, so sorry your day turned out this way. I actually had penciled in that you'd be 20 weeks Thursday and wondered whether you'd have you anatomy scan then, but had erased it the other day b/c I remembered, No, it's next week. (And then thought, wow, that would be a lot to take in the days before Christmas.)

    I love that you took Addi's socks with you, and that you stopped to chat with your baby girl. Why the folks who work with gravestones can't be as fastidious as they should be is something I don't understand. How totally lame...they should be required to carry brushes and things to clean up their messes.

    Sending you tons of love and peace today. I hope your mind can quiet enough to let you get some rest.

  4. Oh, sweeitie. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I send a wish out into the universe every day for things to be easier for you. You so deserve some peace. It makes me sad that on top of everything else, you have to deal with things like this. So many hugs...

  5. I am so sorry!! I am sending a big hug :) I cant imagine how hard this must be on you but just wanted to say I am thinking of you :)

    Also, about the dirt on her on stone- I have lost it at the cemetary several times becuase of things much littler than that but I now carry a bag in my car with wipes (to clean), scissors (to cut the grass), super glue (to fix things that break that I have put out there) and floral tape/wire :) It makes me feel a litle in control- just an idea :)

  6. I was the same before every single one of my U/S appointments - no sleep, terror, anxiety etc. but especially the 20 week one and if someone had tried to cancel it, would have been exactly the same as you. It's not fair to have extra stress added to an already stressful time.

    I love that you took Addison's socks too - so precious and special.

  7. This kind of crap always happened when I was pregnant with Emily. From the day I found out I was pregnant (and had the stroke) to the day she was born (up until that morning when I suddenly was threatened by the staff with a c-section), I felt like NOTHING was easy. And a part of me just knew that was the baby's way of telling me to have a little faith. These little turds have no idea what they do to us from the very beginning! Hang on!

  8. So sorry for the stressful day and no resolution. Lol about the middle finger, too. I understand your anxiety, and the fear of disappointment. I also understand wanting to keep things private, even just for a day. Don't be too hard on yourself. If it's a girl, you'll love her and you'll still miss Addie. If it's a boy, you'll love him, and you'll still miss Addie, and you'll grieve the loss (or postponement) of parenting a little girl. This seems completely normal to me. I'm sorry it has to be so hard. It's really not fair.

  9. I'm so sorry that the visit was stressful and the nurse wasn't helpful {as in pretty crappy} at all. I love that your little one was showing of his or her middle finger- tehehe!!! That made me smile :)

    Praying that you have a little peace mama....

  10. poor thing. I hope they can get you in ASAP, i can only imagine how stressful this has to be for you. Hoping you get some relief and just for the record if it is a boy you can tell it is a boy...there is no mistaking it for the cord especially at 20 wks. There is still hope you will get your girl!!!

  11. I thought there was something up when you weren't giving me much info when I kept asking about your ultrasound. =) I'm so sorry it didn't happen though!! And it sounds like the one at the doc's office was a complete waste. It still surprises me that the MA's/RN's there can be so insensitive. I hope that you are able to get one before Christmas!! (Don't limit yourself to just the OB's office - there are lots of places to go in town that do the ultrasounds.) Love ya friend!!

  12. Have they rescheduled you yet? Been thinking about ya. Let us know when u r ready