I'm terrified of finding out the gender. With Addison we were SO excited for our 20 week scan to find out boy or girl (now I know there are a million more things you could find out at this time as well). Sticking to the gender part though we were just so thrilled to learn she was a girl. It was the icing on the cake as Brian thought Crawford's only produced boys and looking at his family history had me pretty much convinced as well.
My whole life I dreamed of being a mom, but in all those dreams it was always to a little girl. I dreamed of pink, tea parties and ballet. I knew having a daughter would complete me in ways nothing else could. When we found out Addi was a girl those dreams only intensified. I know I would have learned to dream in blue, but hearing those words "it's a girl" was a joy like no other.
Now I find myself believing this second baby is a boy and that terrifies me. I know so many that lost boys and would do ANYTHING to have another little boy and it's not that I don't want to have a son, it's just that I don't want to miss out on the things that having a daughter means.
And then there is the bigger issue. Addison's room is pink and her clothes are pink. If this baby was a girl she could share most of Addison's things (as sisters do). We would change the room a little, but for the most part it would be the same. Her clothes would get passed down (some wouldn't work because of size and season, but that wouldn't leave many to box up).
A brother would mean everything goes. Pink walls would need to be painted blue and ALL her things would need to be boxed up. We didn't change her room one bit after she didn't come home and to do it now makes me feel ill. It's not like her room is any kind of shrine and I knew that some day it would need to be someone elses room, but now that is actually getting closer I feel like I can't breathe.
I keep telling myself healthy and alive is all that matters, but then I think quietly to myself and a girl...I need a girl and then I feel guilty and awful for thinking that the gender matters because we are just so lucky to have any baby at all.
My brother is one of the best things that ever happened to my family and if our son was anything like him life would be good and while Brian is amazing now....let's just say he wouldn't have been the kind of guy I would have hung around growing up...I wasn't into green long hair...did I ever write about how he used to have green hair!?!? Yuck! Seriously we are lucky we didn't know each other growing up because I never would have gotten over his green hair phase. Luckily I have only heard stories and try to block it out as much as possible.
Anyways back to my worry. I haven't been sleeping because I have been so worried about this ultrasound, worried about them finding a problem and worried about hearing for sure that we are having a boy. Pretty much every other blog I read from a BLM says that they don't care what their baby is as long as it is healthy and alive, which makes me feel like the worst mom ever because the truth is that I do care. Trust me I
Brian is SURE we are having a boy and has convinced himself of that. I have tried to convince myself as well because the last thing I want to do is have gender play a role in my grief, but the more I convince myself the harder time I have with my grief over having a daughter.
A daughter would be no replacement for Addison, but it would mean that there would be a void that would be filled with all the things moms and daughters get to do and dads and daughters because lord knows Brian aches for this just as badly as I do.
Most people I know have already had their 20 weeks scans even before their 20 weeks and I purposely scheduled ours after. I needed it to be after Addison's birthday and then there is the other part. This scan makes this baby even more real. We are really pregnant, this is really happening and one way or another I will be delivering another baby...dead or alive. I just can't fathom losing another and yet I can't really grasp getting to bring one home, but I know we have to bring one home...we just have to. After this scan there will be more confirmation and they could tell us something is really wrong and I just can't go there. I need to believe this baby could come home with us (even in the smallest way) and I can't have anyone take that away from me...if I could hold off on this scan for another month or so I would probably do it and yet I don't want any surprises so here is it...almost here.