I know today is the 3rd, but it feels like the 4th. You see last year the 4th was on a Saturday so today's schedule has played out much like that day, the day our world came crashing down.
I woke up early this morning unable to sleep, remembering how things happened last year. I started another post that is VERY long and descriptive of that day, but it's difficult to finish so I will have to come back to it. Brian and I were both in a funk this morning and we knew it would be a "sad day".
I had this panic for a moment that Brian was wearing the same shirt he wore last year...so much so that I lifted up his sweater to see, it wasn't. That just worried me for some reason. After he left I felt like any little thing would send me into tears. I got ready and tried to focus on what I had to do, but couldn't help, but "go there" with every step I took.
Originally Brian had taken today off, but with his last minute trip to CA last month he decided he better work today. We both wish he had stayed home. We were invited to a 1st birthday party for a little boy who was in our birthing class today. For a normal situation I wouldn't have gone, but this family is extremely supportive of us and Addison and not going felt like missing out on one more thing that SHOULD have been our normal. I also knew of one other couple from our birthing class who would be there and they are equally supportive so I knew I wouldn't be alone.
I had procrastinated on shopping so I went out this morning. Everyone at the mall was overly happy and helpful and I just wanted to ignore them all. Whenever someone asked "how are you" I wanted to tell them that I was intensely sad because one year ago today was the last day my baby was alive...I didn't, instead I gave a half smile and lied. I settled on clothes because at one I know he doesn't care what he gets and clothes are great for the parents and not noisy at all haha. Again there was an overly helpful sales lady (I can pick out an outfit or two on my own thank you very much).
I went to check out and she made conversation. Asked if everything was for the same person, I said yes and she seemed confused that I had bought two almost identical footy pajamas so I said that they were for brothers who wear the same size. Then she was REALLY confused because I said they weren't twins. Then she asked if they were adopted, which I told her one was. She was happy with that answer and I thought she would stop talking. She went on to tell me that's how it happened for her sister (like she knew my friend's whole story from that one sentence) said her sister adopted and then got pregnant without trying.
She continued to tell me that wasn't her problem, she said she got pregnant really easy, had 6 pregnancies, but only 3 children. That's when I really started to listen. I told her I had lost my first and she asked how far along I was (expecting me to say a few weeks) when I said "all the way" she literally gasped. Then she was really interested and it was actually really nice to talk to a stranger about Addison. I found her much less annoying after that! As she handed me my receipt someone else had come up to the counter. She also had a coupon to give me for "next time" I could see her face drop as she told me the spiel on the coupon like she realized what she was saying....giving a dead baby mom coupons for baby clothes. She offered to throw it away, but I said I might keep it as we were expecting in April, she got so excited she put her hand up to "high-five" me. It was weird and nice all at the same time. It brought me out of the near tears part just in time for the party.
After that I went to a couple jewelry places because my very special blue topaz earrings Brian gave me are missing a back. Okay not missing, I dropped it and after an hour of both of us searching on hands and knees couldn't find. Thankfully it was just the back and not the earring! Who knew a screw back earring backer would be so hard to find. I was in line to talk to an associate when Brian called (I quietly answered and told him I would call him right back)( I HATE rude cell phone talkers everywhere, but especially stores). No jewelery stores had one to fit and they all wanted to send them away to get a match...these aren't going anywhere thank you very much! I am sad not to have them to wear this weekend, but I will get a back. I called Brian back and he sounded so broken. He said he was calling earlier because that was the exact time he had gotten "the call" from the hospital asking him to come quickly. I felt so bad for not taking his call. Just a rough day all around!
I left the mall and headed to the party. I got there mostly on time because I figured the earlier the better before any "birthday" stuff was underway. There were lots of one years olds
I stopped by the cemetery on the way home just to check that everything was still okay and that I didn't dream up her stone being there. Once I was home I just prayed for no visitors. It's been on and off tears pretty much all day (except for the party) and I cringe each time my phone rings. There was a knock on the door and I almost ignored it. I decided to peak out the window and the lady saw me. She had flowers so I figured I'd better open the door. They were really beautiful mix of light pink good smelling ones with a pink vase. They were from our good friends Kayla and Matt. They made me cry, but the good kind of cry. That's the kind of friend Kayla is, the flowers surprised me, but not the giver. Very wonderful and beautiful. We have received a few more things that I will blog about on Addison's birthday post.
There are just a few minutes until Brian is off work and I can't wait. If I'm going to be sad with anyone, he is the one I choose :) Tough day and it's not over. Damn, I miss my girl.