Sunday, December 4, 2011

Emotions are high and patience is low

Today was a VERY tough day. It wasn't as tear filled as yesterday, but Brian and I were just on two completely different levels. We couldn't have pushed each others buttons any harder if we tried. We are supposed to be the two that get each other more than anyone and yet I think we wanted to strangle each other most of the day. Nothing like feeling sad and alone on such a hard day. We both realized our emotions were high and that patience was low, but that didn't make it any easier to take. If there is a way to make a shitty day shittier, we succeeded.

We spent the day shopping for things to decorate Addi's stone with for her birthday. I was never able to come up with a definite plan for her birthday (not knowing for sure when her stone would be placed). I thought that since yesterday really felt like the 4th that we should treat today like the 5th since the weather was beautiful and being Sunday everyone was available while the sun was still up.

We rushed around trying to find everything we needed. It all took longer than expected and finding a shepherd's hook was down right impossible (we found one, but not easily).

I would say the only thing that helped my mood was each time my phone buzzed with a new email, text, etc. of people letting me know they were thinking of Addi.

Once we got to the cemetery it was just after 3pm. The weather was beautiful, but so cold! We decorated Addi's stone and sat around and talked. It looked like a serious production with so many cars. It was just my parents, siblings, grandparents and two friends. It was VERY last minute and not well thought out at all, but it worked. I feel guilty for not putting something bigger together, but I really couldn't handle it.

We released balloons and took pictures, but it certainly wasn't any kind of first birthday you would ever hope for. We only stayed for an hour or so because it was so cold, but it was enough.

Our family tradition is root beer floats for birthdays so we decided that was the plan for this evening. Brian and I picked up Addi's cake and headed over to my parent's house. We sat around and visited, ate root beer floats and then lit Addi's candle and sang happy birthday. I wasn't sure I wanted seemed so weird and yet I knew if we didn't I would regret we did. After that we went outside to light the floating and the flying Chinese lanterns. Unfortunately I don't think any pictures of this turned out, but the video did and I was pretty happy about that.

All in all the day was not as bad as I expected other than how Brian and I were being. Not our best day and not normal for us, but I suppose we can't be super happy with each other every day of our lives so hopefully we got it out of our systems today!

I'm glad today is over and I think I will be even more glad when tomorrow is's all about surviving these days...right?!?

Been thinking so much about Addison, which isn't far from any other day. It just sucks SO much not to have her. That these very special days are so much less than they could be.

This weekend I think of my girl and the other babies that share this day in December.

We had bracelets made with Addison's name and birthday...want one? We had to buy 200!

Addi's very own "mini" root beer float cup...we are serious root beer float drinkers!

Getting the flying lanterns good pictures from outside, but it was beautiful and I am glad we did it.


  1. "that these very special are are so much less than they could be" (or should be).
    Happy birthday to Addi.
    What a beautiful tribute to your beautiful little girl. The balloons are sweet as well as the cake. And it made me smile to see your family by her very special stone with blankets on their laps, it really does show how cold it is! How did the sky lanterns go? Was there any breeze?
    I've also ordered some and hope that they make it in time for Joseph's birthday. Australia has a temporary ban on them (they ONLY bloody country in the world!). They could well get stuck at customes, so I'll have to think of a plan B.
    It's helped me reading about your navigation in the lead up to Addi's birthday, being that I'm not far behind you. Is it true that the lead up is worse than the day itself?
    I hope the stress has lifted between you and Brian and you've found a little more peace after such a momentous day. I just wish so much that she was here to celebrate in person. Love and light to you. xo

  2. Love everything! Her spot is so beautiful! The bracelets are awesome... Wish I'd thought if that! And the lanterns... So glad to know they actually make those things! Thinking of you today... Hopefully it will go easy on you since you already had a bad one on the 3rd. Once the pressure from "these days" we're over I was able to feel a bit better. I hope the same for you.

  3. What a wonderful tribute. You did right by her, in my opinion! Thanks so much for sharing.

  4. Happy 1st Birthday Addison!!! I LOVE everything you did and you know she did as well. Thinking of you today and hoping it is a little less stressful. Thank you for sharing...what a wonderful supportive family you have!!

  5. Everything you did was such a lovely way to commemorate Addie on her birthday.

    I had to smile, too, because my husband was SUCH a grouch this weekend. It's one of the (many) crappy parts of grief--the way sadness can manifest itself as crabby/cranky/grouchy. I'm glad you made it through the day.

  6. Thinking of Addie today and glad you have found such beautiful ways to celebrate her.

    (And it must be catching - hubby and I just had a fight, too.)

  7. Finally catching up on your posts, but lots of tears here. Your story is so heartbreaking but everything looked great for her birthday.

  8. Just love your family and all your traditions. :)