Tuesday, December 6, 2011

December 5th and 6th

How do you spend your daughter's first birthday when she isn't here to spoil? We had thrown out a couple ideas, but didn't really make a plan until last minute. We thought ahead to take the day off work, but plans from that point on were difficult.

I made cookies last night and we wanted to take them and cards to our wonderful doctor and nurses. It was weird to be back in labor and delivery. As we checked in at the front desk the lady made a joke that we would be fine as long as we didn't leave with someones baby...I so wanted to tell her that we have never gotten to leave with a baby, but I held my tongue. We didn't get to see any of our people, but we were glad to leave the treats for them.

We headed to Seattle for the day. I had picked a one year old girl off the Salvation Army tree and thought we would shop for her and see where the day took us. On our way to Seattle I called my bff blm friend to see if we could meet up for lunch. She was more than willing to meet up with us so we headed to her house. She had a friend contact me shortly after we lost Addison and has been weekly, daily and sometimes hourly support! Since then we have become great friends!

We wound up spending Addi's day with her and really it couldn't have been anything better. She gets us, we get her, she loves Addi and we love her little girl. When we left she had a big bag of maternity clothes to send with me and a doppler so we can hopefully listen to this little one whenever the crazy arises!

Just down the street from her house was an elementary school that one of my bestest friends works at! We got to see her classroom and wound up having dinner with her. She had this on her chalkboard.
See the little AEC next to the date? What a good friend is she!?!?

I have some wonderful friends. All day long my phone was BLOWING up with emails, texts, facebook posts etc. I think I was so worried people wouldn't remember or care by this time that with each message it was a little reminder that Addison is very much remembered and not at all forgotten. We miss Addison, but we are not the only ones. It certainly made the day lighter.

I feel good tonight. I still miss Addison and what this day should have been, but I feel like I don't have to shout to the world that she was here and she matters because the world shouted to me that they know and they remember. I think I will sleep well tonight!

Brian and I are good today too, which really helps. I'm glad to be back in sync with him, we need each other!

We will still be sponsoring that 1 year old girl, but we will do it next weekend instead. I think you just have to let the day happen...too much planning isn't good for anyone!

I'm glad Addison's day wasn't as bad as we were preparing for. The days before were definitely harder. I think the hardest part of the day was knowing that December 5th wasn't just us missing out on Addison's, but Brandy and her family missing out on Andrew's 1st birthday and Jessica and her family missing out on her twins boys, William and Ethan'sfirst birthday. And tomorrow will be Brooke's daughter Eliza'sfirst birthday...so many first birthdays that won't go the way they should. All these babies and their families were weighing heavily on my heart.

December 6, 2011
The day after-much harder than the day. I woke up feeling emotional today, but wound up holding it together. It's like wow...all the sudden that much anticipated day is over and the phone and computer seem silent. It's an odd change up from one day to the next. We made it through the first year...now what?

In other news I actually made real dinner tonight and did some laundry...good night at our house...Brian feels like he is WINNING haha.


  1. These milestones can be so painful. I wonder if they will ever stop hurting so much?

  2. i found the one year birthday easier and more peaceful than I was anticipating as well. Glad you were surrounded with love and hope you continue to be throughout the holidays.

  3. I am glad her birthday went well for you and you got all the support you needed :)

  4. I'm glad you found a way to spend the day that felt right for you (and glad you and Brian are back in sync--funny how that works, isn't it?). Thanks for remembering my Eliza. It's so good not to be alone in this, but so hard to know other people are experiencing the same sadness.

  5. I'm just getting to all your posts. I love your friend! I have a friend who acknowledged and prayed for Andrew in her 4th grade (private school). Thought it was super sweet that those students got to hear about my son, too.

    You are so strong to pick out gifts for a 1-year old girl. I read an article recently about a boy who died from infant death and his parents do the same. Each year they buy a bunch of gifts and specifically pick out what they'd want to buy their son at the age he would be and give it to a boy that is what their son's age should be. I love that tradition but I'm a scaredy pants.

    I, too, was overwhelmed with love on the 5th. Glad you have such amazing friends and family.