Thursday, December 1, 2011

December 1st

I did everything I could to ignore December, but it came whether I was okay with it or not. The month I had SO looked forward to last year and SO dreaded this year.

November 30th and December 1st were the due dates I was given for Addison. I made it through the work day just fine yesterday and then I had to do something I had been procrastinating...order her first birthday cake. As I drove to the grocery store my throat started to tighten and my eyes started to swell. It's been a while since I ugly cried in the car, but this was a good a time as any. Once I parked I pulled myself together and and prayed the bakery wouldn't ask me any questions about who this cake was for. I knew if they did I would lose it right then and there. By some stretch of luck I got someone who didn't seem to have much interest in me at all.

I don't know that the cake will be exactly what I want, but I didn't have the energy to be any more specific. It must be white and light pink with her name and a 1. That's all I was capable of asking for.

I also had more shopping to do. I am usually a quick shopper, but my mind was all over the place and I kept forgetting things and having to go back 2-3 times in different aisles. I was amazed that I spent so much time in the store. I also remembered that I was in this same grocery store this day last year. I was loading up since I was about to have a baby and wouldn't be able to go to the grocery store right away. I remember the checker asked me when I was due and I said TODAY! It was such a different experience this year.

I got into my car to drive home and called Brian. He was on the other line and had to go. He asked what was wrong and I said nothing so he thought things were fine. We hung up and I cried the rest of the way home.

My dad and Brian were both at my house when I got home so I tried to act like things were fine. Instead being sad I was short and grumpy. Then Brian picked a fight with me about how I need to use coupons (I don't want to spend my Sundays clipping coupons thank you very much). That was all I needed for a completely crappy night.

I was also feeling over tired so I went to bed early. I cried myself to sleep (something that hasn't happened in a while). I did wake up feeling a bit better, but they day is still young. Brian said he was feeling sad this morning....f-ing December.

A year ago today I had my very last OB appointment. Everything was great...perfect even. I was dilated to 2.5 and 80% effaced. The doctor who checked me offered to set me up with the earliest induction date they's where our story could have been different...I asked that we wait...I ASKED. She said they wouldn't let me go a week later so she would schedule me to be induced on December 7th. I thought I was keeping her safe and germ free for as long as possible, letting her come when she was ready. No one ever told me the risks of staying one gave me any reason to think I needed to make her come early. I don't know if that would have changed things because it's possible the cord would have just tightened during the birthing process, but it's also possible she would have lived and I will always feel like I took whatever chance she may have had, that is my guilt to live with.

After that check up I was sent in for an NST to make sure everything was going well and Addi wasn't in distress. They hooked me up to the machine and everything was great...if only she had shown any signs. I was bored for the majority of the test, texting on my phone trying to make time go by so I could get back to work. I wish I would have really relished those moments of listening to her perfect little heartbeat...that was the last time I ever heard it.

I went back to work and contractions had started. I was feeling really bad after having such a good morning and I expected something to happen. They stopped and we all know that I didn't go into labor.  So may what ifs.

This time last year I was pregnant with a living baby...right now on this day I am pregnant with a living baby...I only have a few more days that I get to say that both of my child were alive on this day.

December 1st...I should love you so much because you were a day my girl was alive and instead you bring me so much sadness. Maybe next I can love you for what you are, but this year, this year you make me cry.


  1. uh, I cried all the way through this post, esp at the "I shopped in this same store on this date last year" part. geez. and the feeling of that last dr appt when you heard her heartbeat... if only we had known. I've been thinking about my last appt a lot. so hard. thinking of you in the coming days. big hugs.

  2. I know that for more than a year, I struggled with all the what-if's...what if we had tried this, etc.etc., but I have come to realize that it's pointless to go there, it doesn't bring her back and it makes me feel like crap...we did the best we could, you did the best you could, you have nothing to be guilty about. (Easier said than done to accept, I know.)
    I know these days are so very hard, I think the buildup to it is harder than the actual day sometimes. thinking of you and your sweet baby girl.

  3. My situation was different since Eliza came unexpectedly early and her heart had stopped beating by the time we got to the hospital (with me in active labor). But I did SO much reading throughout that pregnancy, and I truly believed that waiting until the baby was "ready" and avoiding being induced was the best decision you could make for the health of the baby. Statistically speaking, that's still true. Given all the sad stories I now know, of course we can't help but question that. Please don't feel like you took her chance, though. You made the decision that was best for your baby girl, given all the information you had at the time. You weren't failing her. You were being the absolute best mom that you could be.

    I'm just so sorry she's not here to share that birthday cake with you.

  4. Reading this breaks my heart.......I'm so sorry she's not here with you. I wish today was different.

    That last hard. I'll never forget that day.

    I'm orating for you. I hope you have a little peace in the days to come.....xoxo

  5. Oh my. My thoughts are with you today and all month long. All around me, I am surrounded by people that are excited that the holiday season is here and they are talking about shopping and laughing about trivial things and all I wish is that it was year ago and my baby girl was still growing in my belly. I want to ignore this month desperately. I know you and Brian will have the strength to get through it and I am betting the cake you ordered is going to be fantastic.

  6. Hadn't thought of it that way-- last few days to be pregnant with both babies. Because we both know that 12/5 and beyond will be uncharted territory for us. :(

    I'm sorry this is hard. I know it is and I hate it so much.

    The deja vu is the very worst part of this time of year. At this time last year... I was... etc. etc. Same goes for me. I can't even handle looking at the date written on papers from children at school. It breaks my heart. I remember going back to school last year and seeing papers children wrote the date 12/6 and I couldn't help but think that they were alive and well and learning and my child was dead and I was brokenhearted beyond repair. Still brokenhearted beyond repair, but at least not spending this 12/5 in the hospital holding my lifeless child.

    This is hard.

  7. I'm just sorry. and echo everything that was previously said. I wish I never knew of you and that you were a blissfully happy mom planning a 1st birthday party. Just not fair.