I did everything I could to ignore December, but it came whether I was okay with it or not. The month I had SO looked forward to last year and SO dreaded this year.
November 30th and December 1st were the due dates I was given for Addison. I made it through the work day just fine yesterday and then I had to do something I had been procrastinating...order her first birthday cake. As I drove to the grocery store my throat started to tighten and my eyes started to swell. It's been a while since I ugly cried in the car, but this was a good a time as any. Once I parked I pulled myself together and and prayed the bakery wouldn't ask me any questions about who this cake was for. I knew if they did I would lose it right then and there. By some stretch of luck I got someone who didn't seem to have much interest in me at all.
I don't know that the cake will be exactly what I want, but I didn't have the energy to be any more specific. It must be white and light pink with her name and a 1. That's all I was capable of asking for.
I also had more shopping to do. I am usually a quick shopper, but my mind was all over the place and I kept forgetting things and having to go back 2-3 times in different aisles. I was amazed that I spent so much time in the store. I also remembered that I was in this same grocery store this day last year. I was loading up since I was about to have a baby and wouldn't be able to go to the grocery store right away. I remember the checker asked me when I was due and I said TODAY! It was such a different experience this year.
I got into my car to drive home and called Brian. He was on the other line and had to go. He asked what was wrong and I said nothing so he thought things were fine. We hung up and I cried the rest of the way home.
My dad and Brian were both at my house when I got home so I tried to act like things were fine. Instead being sad I was short and grumpy. Then Brian picked a fight with me about how I need to use coupons (I don't want to spend my Sundays clipping coupons thank you very much). That was all I needed for a completely crappy night.
I was also feeling over tired so I went to bed early. I cried myself to sleep (something that hasn't happened in a while). I did wake up feeling a bit better, but they day is still young. Brian said he was feeling sad this morning....f-ing December.
A year ago today I had my very last OB appointment. Everything was great...perfect even. I was dilated to 2.5 and 80% effaced. The doctor who checked me offered to set me up with the earliest induction date they had....here's where our story could have been different...I asked that we wait...I ASKED. She said they wouldn't let me go a week later so she would schedule me to be induced on December 7th. I thought I was keeping her safe and germ free for as long as possible, letting her come when she was ready. No one ever told me the risks of staying pregnant...no one gave me any reason to think I needed to make her come early. I don't know if that would have changed things because it's possible the cord would have just tightened during the birthing process, but it's also possible she would have lived and I will always feel like I took whatever chance she may have had, that is my guilt to live with.
After that check up I was sent in for an NST to make sure everything was going well and Addi wasn't in distress. They hooked me up to the machine and everything was great...if only she had shown any signs. I was bored for the majority of the test, texting on my phone trying to make time go by so I could get back to work. I wish I would have really relished those moments of listening to her perfect little heartbeat...that was the last time I ever heard it.
I went back to work and contractions had started. I was feeling really bad after having such a good morning and I expected something to happen. They stopped and we all know that I didn't go into labor. So may what ifs.
This time last year I was pregnant with a living baby...right now on this day I am pregnant with a living baby...I only have a few more days that I get to say that both of my child were alive on this day.
December 1st...I should love you so much because you were a day my girl was alive and instead you bring me so much sadness. Maybe next I can love you for what you are, but this year, this year you make me cry.