Thursday, December 1, 2011

18 Weeks

How Far Along: 18 weeks (our baby is as big as a Bell Pepper)
Maternity Clothes: I may be buying another pair of maternity jeans...I currently only have one pair (since I can only wear them on the weekends), our evenings after work are usually spent at home so yoga pants and the pony tail are my bff. We went out Tuesday night and I had my jeans in the dirty clothes so that was no good and I didn't want to wear work pants any longer than I had too! Brian suggested I just wear a pair of my regular jeans...oh he is a funny one that Brian (the sad thing is he was serious)! Yeah right there is no way I can regular jeans at this point.
Movement: It finally happened the kind of movement that you know FOR SURE isn't gas! We were window shopping on Sunday (17w 3d) and had wondered into REI. Brian could spend hours there so as he was looking and checking out every single little everything I found a comfy chair to "test out" all the sudden I felt it. Brian came around the corner and I just said "the baby is moving" with the biggest grin on my face. Brian looked at me for a moment and then said this was the first time he has really seen me smile through this pregnancy. I feel bad about that, but I am just so damned worried ALL THE TIME. Monday it was the same thing and around the same time. Tuesday was extra busy at work and I didn't notice it. Started to panic, but knew if I went in to the OB it would have to be without Brian and I couldn't handle that either. Finally by dinner the baby was moving again. Wednesday seems to be right on schedule with the other days. Love that I have some assurance this baby is alive. Can't wait for more!
Sleep: is interrupted by 1-2 bathroom breaks each night. Been waking up super tired in the morning...maybe I need to get to bed before 10:30...I blame Brian since he MUST watch the news every night!
Gender:  2 weeks away...ugh. We have so much more that we are worried other than the gender, but the gender is scary to me as well.
Symptoms: sore back, runny nose, sneezing isn't always safe...I either celebrate after a sneeze or have to go change...that part isn't so fun, but it's worth it.
Cravings: I really wanted steak this week, but steak cooked well done isn't my favorite so I would rather wait until I can have it medium again!
Belly Button In or Out: in
Best Moment this week:  Sunday at REI really feeling the baby move. That moment still makes me smile.
Freak-out of the week: Tuesday when I didn't feel the baby until the evening...I totally convinced myself we were going to have a similar week as the one we had one year ago.
What I miss: I miss how my first thought before when I was worried that "things would be okay" now I always expect the worst every time.
What I am looking forward to:  I am scared to death of Addison's first birthday on Monday the 5th and the 4th since that is the day she died. I am also pretty nervous about out doctor appointment on Friday because they are just scary every time. It's going to be a tough/emotional week for sure!
Next Appointment: Friday, December 2nd...haven't had one in a month and I am so nervous!
Something Else: It really was wonderful to know this baby was moving and the bigger picture that it's alive! Alive is always my number one top priority! I am still feeling disconnected from this pregnancy though...self-protection I suppose. I just still can't believe that this baby might actually come home with us. I still expect the worst and I don't know how to get past that. I am so thankful and grateful to be pregnant again, but it is just so freaking scary! I am hopeful that the more this baby moves and once we find out the gender that some bonding will occur. I suppose there has been some because I worry about this baby so much and that wouldn't happen if I didn't care and I ABSOLUTELY care. I just want to be clear that I am not complaining I just don't know how to let go of all my worry.

Addison's headstone will be placed so soon and the spot next to hers is vacant...I can't let go of the thought that this space could be for her in the world where babies die has really put me in a bad place!


  1. YAY for movement! I love hearing about you smiling. Also, I can't wait to feel on your moving belly! haha. I'll be thinking of you next week and probably drop by saturday, even if you guys arent home to give you what we have for Addi. Can't wait to hear about your appt tomorrow. <3

  2. oh i had that same thought about the vacant plot when those around Hayes got filled. I was so upset that if i lost another they wouldn't be next to each other. omg. that thought is too much.